Shelby had given me the next day off work, but I had gone to the café anyway. I had spent the morning lying in bed moping until lunchtime when I forced myself to get up. I was sitting on a stool at the counter, pushing my food around the plate, when I heard the bikes pull up. Shelby looked at me with wide eyes.

"Um," she started, her eyes flicking between the window and me.

"I know. It's okay," I said with a slight smile.

I heard them pause as they came through the door, and could only guess they'd seen me at the counter. I couldn't bring myself to turn round, knowing that I wouldn't see him with them. I felt an arm drape softly on my shoulders as a kiss was pressed to the top of my head. I looked up to see Jay and smiled at him.

"How are you holding up?" He asked me.

"I'm okay," I told him, looking back to my plate.

Shelby scoffed. "She says that, but she's been playing with that food for half an hour now and hasn't touched a bite."

I glared at her as Jay squeezed me. "I saw him this morning," he said, making my whole body tense up. "He was asking about you,"

I didn't say anything but looked up when I felt Shelby take my hand in hers. "You should go and see him, you know," she told me.

"Shel,"

"No, listen. You need to see him, not just for him, but also for you. You can't sort your head out if you don't,"

"I told him I was out Shel, at the first time of trouble. He knew the deal when we first dated," I reminded her.

She nodded. "Yeah, I get that. But you still need to have a conversation with him. Mel, you're both in hell right now. This is the only way you'll be able to move forward. Even if that is on your own,"

I felt Jay tense up but he kept quiet when Shelby shook her head at him and scowled. I looked up at her again. "Will you come with me?" I asked her.

She shook her head. "You need to do this on your own, honey. This is between you and him,"

"No I just mean, well will you wait outside for me. I'll see him on my own but I need to know you're there,"

She sighed. "Okay, we'll go when Tia gets in, alright?"

I took a deep breath and nodded. I felt Jay squeeze me shoulder as he walked over to the others. They were all quiet and subdued, and that just made me feel worse. 

***

I'd never been this nervous in my life. I hadn't been to a prison before; I don't think I'd even driven past one. The lady at the reception area had been lovely and had shown Shelby where she could wait for me. They'd made me empty my pockets and she had searched me. There was a whole list of rules and I was terrified I'd forget one and do something wrong. I wasn't allowed to touch him and I had to keep my hands on the top of the table at all times. I couldn't believe I was in this situation.

The whole building felt cold. The walls were painted concrete; a dull grey colour that just made the whole place seem even more depressing. As I was led to the visiting room, we had to stop at every door and wait to be buzzed through. Every time, the noise of the buzzer made me jump. My palms were beginning to sweat and my heart was racing. It was only made worse as I saw him across the room, sitting at a white metal table; his shoulders slumped in what looked like defeat. He moved to stand as he saw me until a guard called out his name in warning. He sighed and sat back down, watching my every movement as I sat across from him.

"Hey," I said.

He smiled at me, but it didn't reach his eyes. "Hey, yourself. So, do you come here often?" He winked at me, and a breathy laugh escaped me.

"Don't joke, Ash," I said, smiling sadly at him.

"Sorry," he said. His hand twitched on the table, and I knew he wanted to reach for mine. I had to clench my fists until my nails dug into my palms. The need to touch him was unbearable. "I know why you're here," he said, and my eyes shot up to meet his.

"Ash," I started, trying my hardest not to cry.

He shook his head. "I get it. I knew the deal. But you have to believe me, Mel, I didn't do this!"

"I do believe you. I know you would never do this, but it doesn't change anything, Ash. This is obviously about the club. Someone's got a grudge so they come up with this bullshit,"

"I'm so sorry that you were dragged into this," he said, biting his lip and looking at the tabletop.

"Hey, you didn't drag me. I took a risk, and it didn't work out. That's just how life works I guess," I shrugged.

"Don't do that. Don't shrug it off like it's nothing!" It was the first time he'd ever raised his voice at me, and it resulted in another warning from the guard.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come. I just thought," I paused because I didn't know what I'd thought.

"No, I'm sorry. I'm glad you came. I didn't want the last time I saw you being as I was pushed into a police car. Not that this is much better really," he finished, looking around. I let out a sob and his head whipped back around to look at me. His hand twitched again and he groaned. "Shit. I'm sorry, babe. Please, don't cry," I knew from his expression that seeing me cry and not being able to comfort me was tearing him apart, so I stood up.

"I should go. Look after yourself Ash, please. Be safe," I begged.

He didn't reply, he just nodded and stared into my eyes. As I turned to leave, I felt his eyes burn into my back until the door slammed closed behind me. The guard on the other side looked at me with sympathy. He must have been at least sixty, and despite his large build and no-nonsense body language, his eyes were kind and comforting.

"Do you need a minute?" he asked.

I shook my head. "Thank you, I'm okay. My friend's waiting for me," I gestured with my hand in the direction of the reception area and he nodded, moving ahead of me to lead the way.

***

Mum and I were both quiet that weekend when I joined her for dinner. Shelby had told her about Ash, and she had not so subtly avoided the subject for the whole afternoon.

"Are you going to eat that, or are you just going to play with it?" She eventually asked as I pushed the pasta around my plate.

"Sorry, I'm just not really that hungry," I shrugged.

"According to Shelby, you never are anymore,"

"Mum, please. Don't start," I begged.

"Melody, you listen to me now. I understand that you're hurting, and your heart is broken, but I will not sit by and watch you starve yourself. It's been three weeks, and you're still just a shell!" Her voice rose until she was almost shrieking. She took a deep breath to compose herself. "You're my baby. I hate seeing you like this,"

I grabbed her hand and sighed. "I'm sorry, Mum. I know you're only worried. I just need some time. My appetite will come back soon, and I'll be okay. I promise," I told her. She nodded, but I doubt she believed me. I didn't even believe me.

"Will you do something for me?" She asked, continuing when I nodded. "Go out with Shelby this week. Just go and have a few glasses of wine, and dance and just let loose for an evening. Please?"

I smirked. "Mum, are you telling me to go out and get drunk?"

She laughed at me and nodded. "Yes, I am!"

"Okay, I will take Shelby out and we'll both get drunk!" I laughed for the first time in weeks, and an instant later I felt guilty for it. 

***

When I walked into the café that evening, I had a genuine smile on my face. The afternoon with my mum had done me good. After making me promise to get drunk, she had seemed to make it her mission to make me laugh as much as possible, and after a while, I didn't even feel guilty about it. She had made me realise that even though things were hard at the minute, I was really lucky. I had almost lost my mother when I was thirteen. She had gone through surgery and then chemotherapy, but had luckily gone into remission and stayed cancer free ever since. Many women weren't lucky enough to beat breast cancer, and I can't even bear to think of all the other types of cancer that take lives every day. I was lucky to still have my mum, and I was lucky to be so close to her. Our bond was unbreakable, and today had reminded me of the good things in life, so I was determined to embrace it for now.

I looked around and saw Jay, Smiler and Skids at their usual table. They all looked up as they heard me come in, and I could see the hesitation on their faces. I nodded and smiled at them, not quite ready to go over and make conversation yet. They all returned my gesture and I walked behind the counter to find Shelby in the kitchen.

"Hey! You look better!" She said as she turned to hug me.

"Yeah, I had a really good time with Mum. Which reminds me, what are you doing tonight?" I grinned.

She eyed me warily. "I finish here in half an hour, and then nothing. Why?"

"Mum made me promise that we'd go out and get drunk. So we're going tonight," I winked at her and she laughed, nodding.

"I'm in! Go get some cake or something, I'll be out soon,"

I laughed and walked back out to the counter. I was about to help myself to a coffee when I heard the bell over the door ring. I looked up and my eyes widened. Shit. I looked back to the kitchen in a panic. When Shelby didn't appear, I stepped out from behind the counter.

"You're not welcome here. Get the hell out!" I hissed. I could see Jay and the others watching me carefully, but none of them moved.

"I'm here to see Shelby," he said.

"She doesn't want you. Get out!"

"Since when do you talk for her, Mel?" He said, looking at me with a smirk that I was desperate to wipe off his face.

"Since you cheated on her a few months before your wedding! Get the hell out!" I pointed towards the door but he just laughed at me and shook his head.

"I heard your man got himself locked up. I bet he's having more fun inside than he ever did with a stuck up bitch like you!"

I was vaguely aware of Jay standing up, but I was seeing red. I grabbed the chair next to me and picked it up. I was about to throw it when it was snatched from my hands.

"Easy!" Jay said, putting the chair down and pulling me to him. My whole body was shaking, I was so angry.

"What the fuck are you doing here?!" I heard Shelby shout from behind us.

"Do you want him gone?" Smiler asked.

"Abso-fucking-lutely!" Shelby said, looking at her ex-fiance with disgust. She had barely finished speaking when Skids opened the door and Smiler dragged him out by his collar. Shelby turned to look at me. "You okay?"

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" I sighed.

"Well, you were the one about to throw a chair at him!"

I moved to sit on a stool and leant my forehead on the counter. "What the hell is wrong with me?" I groaned.

"That was interesting," Jay said from behind me.

"Sorry guys, I don't know what came over me!"

"I'm going to take a guess and say it has something to do with Ash," Jay said.

"Jay," I started, but he ignored me and carried on speaking.

"He's broken, Mel. I've never seen him so miserable. You know what he's been through, why he came here, but I've never seen him like this!" I knew he was talking about the military and guilt ripped through my gut. "He could handle being locked up for the rest of his life, Mel. What he can't handle is knowing that you're not his! And from the looks of things lately, it's killing you too. Don't think we haven't noticed the weight you've lost or the fact that you're obviously not sleeping. We see it all,"

I wiped away the tear that was making its way down my cheek. "I'll be okay, and so will he," I said, trying my hardest to believe it.

"No, you won't," Shelby said. "You love him."

"What? Don't be ridiculous. You know I don't-"

She interrupted me by shoving her hand over my mouth. "I know. You don't believe in love. Well, just because you don't believe something, doesn't mean it isn't real. People refused to believe that the Earth was anything but flat, but ta-da!" She waved her spare hand around. "It's fucking round! And do you know how I know it's not flat?" I rolled my eyes at her. "Because if it was, cats would've knocked everything off it by now!" I couldn't help the laugh that spluttered out, and I heard Jay and the others chuckling too, reminding me that they were still there.

Did I love him? Is that what it felt like? I couldn't imagine my life without him in it. He was the first and last thing I thought of every day, and he was on my mind constantly in between those times. I felt like a part of me was missing without him. But was it worth all the risk and pain that came with the club? I couldn't clear my mind. I pushed Shelby's hand from my mouth and looked up at her.

"Can you give me a few days off? I think I need to get away for a bit,"

"Mel, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to push," She said, smiling sadly at me.

"No, it's okay. I just need to get my head straight. You've all pointed out that I'm not coping, so I need a break,"

"Where will you go?" She asked.

I took a deep breath. "California,"

Her eyes widened and she nodded before leaning across the counter to hug me. "I love you, girly!"

"I love you, too! I'll be back in a few days. I'll call you," I nodded to Jay and the others as they watched me leave with confusion on their faces.