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evangeline blackwood

A startling scream forces me awake.

I jump up, my fists clenched ready to fight off any possible intruder.

But it's Adonis, who's now curled up on the edge of my bed. His entire body is shaking, his breathing hard and heavy.

"Dee, look at me." I bite my lip, frowning, unsure of what to do.

But he listens.

That beautiful ocean-blue is shining with restrained tears. His eyes are red-rimmed, almost painfully so.

My breathing almost stops completely.

A tornado directly hits my heart, my chest contracting. I feel like I'm drowning, suffocating even. The pressure on my chest, the turmoil in my heart at just witnessing him break apart.

How many times has this happened to him? How many times has he been forced awake screaming while he was all alone?

I shift closer to him, reaching out, but he wraps his arms around my hips and rests his head in my lap. My body bends over his instinctively, protecting and shielding his body with my own.

My lips meet his forehead gently

And he breaks.

He grips the fabric of my shorts, his hands clenched into fists. He pants, gasping for breath as sobs completely overtake his body. Violent shakes, a harsh and callous desperation to just breathe easily while his chest tightens and the tears tattooing endless miseries onto his skin. I cry with him. Promising myself in this very moment that I will continue to hold him until this pain fades, until this torture submerges even if it is just for a while, until he's given a chance to live truely without this fear or agony.

In this moment, we are one. Clinging to each other as if our very beings will shatter if we let go. But in this moment, we are trapped. Handed life sentences, scarred beyond repair. Scars marring not only our skin but our hearts too. Trapped by the nightmares that don't end when we wake up. Trapped by lives that we had no choice in living.

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Adonis is still asleep.

He didn't wake up to make a drink. Didn't wake up because another nightmare haunted his mind. He's just lying there on his stomach, arms wrapped tightly around a pillow, peaceful.

I've been awake for an hour, just staring at him.

I worry that his family might not know he's stayed out and are worried that he's not back. I don't know if he has plans with any of his siblings or his Mum or Dad. I honestly don't know.

But I do know that I don't want to wake him.

Delicately, I run my fingers down his bare arm and pause once I reach his most recent tattoo.

Stars.

The word. Just the 5 letters in typewriter-like font on his inner elbow. Not too small and not too big. Moving passed the word, I notice the constellation of scars decorating his arms, acting as a symbol of the terrifying experience that he endured not so long ago. Whether it was from glass shards on the floor or the edge of Michael's blade, I can't handle the horrible reminder that I could've lost Adonis so easily. I kiss his shoulder blade, resting my forehead against the tanned, warm skin so I can hear and feel him breathing, in and out.

He shifts slightly, groaning in his sleep and then his eyelids flicker open. He inhales deeply, as if suddenly remembering the events of last night, when he broke down in my arms.

" Nightmares?" I leaned on the bed frame, crossing my arms as I looked at Adonis' shaken form.

He managed a sad smile, gazing at me kindly. "Yeah."

I bite my lip, "I had a lot of those after what happened with Jonah and Michael."

His eyes flickered then, morphing from kindness to rage, to kindness again, despite being in his half-awake form. Adonis takes a deep breath, "How'd you stop them?"

"I stopped sleeping." I smiled half-heartedly, choosing honesty as the best option.

" Sometimes, it feels like it's controlling me. I feel like I can't wake up and I'm just stuck there, reliving the worst thing in my life. And I can't stop it, it's just happening again and again."

" You want to know what I do? To make sure the memories and the people can't control me?" I offer, tightening my arms around myself.

He stares  into my eyes, curiosity overflowing in his own. " Go on then."

" Hate." I bit my lip, continuing despite the nausea in my stomach.

Adonis' blue eyes watch me cautiously, "Can we continue that chat we had all them months ago?"

"Which one?"

"The trauma one when you got dead dismissive with me."

I bite my lip, nodding my head sharply.

"That was because of Jonah right? What you saw?"

I nod.

"And Julian?"

I hesitate but then nod again.

"Be honest." He basically whispers, "What's it like?"

"Everything you just said. It hurts." My voice shakes, I hate it. I hang my head low and take deep breaths, grasping and releasing the sheets. "It's just being paranoid 24/7. Having to check rooms for exits and know exactly who is around you at all times. Flashbacks just hit randomly and sometimes there's not even a trigger. It just hits you. Hard. Until you're a broken shell of a person."

"Do you blame yourself for Morgan, Eva?" I don't reply. "What happened to Morgan wasn't your fault."

"I know." The lie slips off my tongue so naturally, it seems like an instinct now.

"Nah, I don't think you do. It wasn't your fault." The confidence in his words only makes my stomach tighten further.

"Yeah, I know."

"This isn't on you. It's on Michael, it's always been on Michael."

"I understand, right?" I look away from his piercing, ocean eyes and inhale deeply.

"Morgan dying wasn't your fault."

My eyes sting, "Stop, please."

"It wasn't on you. Michael did it. This isn't because of you." His rough but gentle thumb catches the tears cascading down my face. "It's not your fault."

"Fuck off, Dee." I sniffle, and he wraps his arms tight around my shoulders so I can bury my head into his chest.

"This isn't on you, Eva, I promise." He whispers, rubbing circles behind my ear.

His exposed skin is flush against mine, warming my entire body and consuming me with tiny electric sparks. I almost melted into his hold, praying that this very moment never faded.

"Why are you being so good to me?" I mumble into his shoulder, not expecting him to pull away from me.

"You really don't know, do you?" The confusion and desperation and pain in his face is too much for me to handle, my breathing halts.

"What?" I swallow visibly, not quite sure what his reply will be.

He stands up, taking a few steps back from the bed.

"I...I love you."

Adonis Walker breaks.

His knees give out. His voice. His face.

He breaks.

I'm speechless, my heart is pounding dangerously inside my chest and I can't even find the words to speak.

Until I remember that conversation we had before his Mum showed up. When I told him I didn't want a relationship...that I didn't want him.

He never realised that I was lying to him.

And he told me that he was falling for me.

"I lied to you." My words trip and stumble out of me, I can't control them. "On that day when you kissed me and I said I didn't want anything more. I lied to you. You told me you were falling and that scared me so damned much. I wanted more, I always wanted more. But, Dee, you deserve so much better than me and I'm so, so sorry."

"What-" He pauses, blinking fast. "What are you saying, Eva?"

"That I fell too." I whisper, "All the jokes, the chats, the late nights. I fell for you and it scared me. And I hurt you and...and all this with Morgan and Apollo is on me. And you deserve better than someone who caused all this. I hurt you, Dee, twice."

"Yeah?" His grin is stunning and hopeful and happy. He comes back towards the bed quickly, before climbing on and slowing down to ask me if it's okay with his eyes. I nod, pretending hopelessly that I don't want him to touch me after that confession.

His hands move up to my face, cupping my cheeks and smashing his lips onto mine. I fell deep into the kiss, following and returning his eagerness. He told me everything when he kissed me. His desire, his desperation, his longing to belong to something meaningful. Both of us morphed into one and my god, it was incredible. My stomach erupted into butterflies that were going mental within me. My heart keeps stopping and starting and my thoughts are seemingly forgotten. Until, eventually, he pulls away from me.

His scent lingers in the air surrounding me, the warmth from his lips sticking to mine.

Wrapping his arms around my middle, his nose buried into the crook of my head and he's panting against the sensitive skin there. I hold my breath, ignoring the way that my entire body begged for more.

"My God, Eva." He breaths out, "I've been wanting to do that properly for so long."

We lay down together for around an hour, laughing and joking about. My shirt rides up slightly however and his eyes are instantly glued to the visible mark.

His fingers skim over it, tickling me in the process. I can't look at him while he does it. "I can't wait for them to pay for what they've done."

"Amen."

"Have you been asked to testify yet? I got a letter the other day."

I nod.

"It's going to be hard but so worth it." He pulls my shirt back down, sitting cross legged across from me.

"I'm not testifying, Dee." I admit.

Confession: I nearly relapsed