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evangeline blackwood

The canteen door slams behind me as I head towards Ashanti's table, where she's sat on her own.

It's been a long day, full of extra assignments and stressing about the rumours regarding Logan and his activities.

"We're going shopping!"

"Why?" I ask, furrowing my eyebrows. "I've already sorted out Apollo's shit."

"Not for Apollo, you idiot." Ashanti rolls her eyes, "For Donnie. You need to get him something really cute."

I flinch back at the mention of his name. The memory of our most recent conversations flooding back into my mind. Truth be told, our second to last conversation had been on a constant loop in my mind. My own words repeating over and over again, making goosebumps consumed with regret and guilt form on my skin as I tried desperately to convince myself that it was better this way.

With all this stuff with Michael and Karis and Logan, I can't get him involved. So I pushed him away, to protect him.

I flicker my face towards the floor. "Dee and I..." I cut myself off, saying his name hurts. "It won't be going any further."

"What?"

"It needed to happen, 'Ti. You know that, deep down." I say, shrugging it off and forcing a weak smile.

"You're being serious." She realises, jaw dropping. "What happened?"

"Same as always." I sign, "Me."

"You could've finally had something good, you know? But no, you're going to hide and fuck him over in the meantime. This ain't you."

"Guess you don't know me as well as you seem to think." I grab my bag and jacket, heading for the door so I can go to the courtyard.

The wind sends shivers down my arms. I find a place to sit, lowering myself down and bidding my heart to stop racing in my ears.

I feel nauseous, knowing a part of Ashanti's words were right. My eyes wander to a group of boys walking out of the Library.

Adonis.

With a  girl is hanging off his arm.

It's better this way, I tell myself despite the ache in my chest, it has to be.

I hadn't expected to see him so soon after our almost civil conversation at his home. In fact, I haven't mentally prepared myself at all. Almost as if he senses me watching him, that sharp blue drifts to my brown and he starts to make his way towards me, shrugging the girl off.

An unexpected lump begins to form in my throat, I don't know if I have the strength to reject him again. Everything seems to empty now without Adonis' constant presence. It's weird how I haven't even known him for more than a year and the impact he's had on my life is so immense. From not waking up with a Good Morning text to not facetiming until unseen hours in the morning.

I miss him so much.

I miss the simple touches. The way our knuckles would brush lightly against each other as we walked beside one another, the way he would eventually just intertwined our fingers together. I miss the way I always find myself getting lost in his blue irises every time we locked eyes.

I miss the way he always smelled like mint and freshly washed clothes. It was warm and safe and inviting and it made me feel like home.

But I would rather feel this everlasting longing than have him gone from the world or begin to despise the way I can't spend my days happy. I can't let him see me entirely broken because what if he regrets our entire relationship? What if he leaves?

I cannot ruin his life too. I can't burden him with this life.

Adonis reaches me and we stand in silence for a moment, none of us quite knowing what to say.

"Where're you off?" I ask, knowing he had a lesson after lunch so he wouldn't be going home anytime soon.

"I'm going home."

"What?" I say, surprised. "You've got Physics after Lunch, I thought you'd be going to the Canteen with Morgan or Apollo or-"

"Or you?" He cuts me off, "Well, plans change."

I'm entirely silent, diverting my eyes to the ground. I can feel his burning gaze on me and, once again, I wish the ground would just open up and swallow me whole.

"I meant what I said." Adonis continues after a moment. "My feelings haven't changed. I don't expect you to say anything back, I know you're just shutting me out because you think you're trying to protect me from something but-"

"But what?" I interrupt, "What? Do you expect me to stand here and tell you what you want me to? Do you want me to lie? Is that what you think of me?"

Adonis shakes his head. Studying him, I notice how his eyes are slightly glossy. The same way they were when I said that I don't want to be with him.

"No, I'd like to think I know you better to expect a sudden change."

"Adoni-"

"You can't tell me how to feel, Eva. I'm not bothered. I know you're lying to me and if it takes me telling you that everyday until you realise that you can't deny it any longer than I will."

"Adonis, don't-" I start thinking of any other excuse to remove myself from this conversation.

"Listen to me." He cuts in, "You're protecting me right? That's what this is about. For whatever reason, you think your world is so much worse than mine and it ain't. I lost my sister too, I struggle with things, I drink uncontrollably and I have family issues. But when I'm with you, I forget it all. Things are better with you, and I know you feel that too. That good world that you think I have isn't mine, it's ours. Our worlds are better when we're together and you can't tell me that isn't true because I see it and I know you see it too. I know you feel what I feel."

I opened my mouth to say something but he cuts me off once more.

"There's a reason you won't confront that, I understand. I know that you're scared and you want to protect me from your darkness, but you don't need to. Okay?"

"Adonis-"

"I'll wait for you to realise that, I promise. And I'm here for you, whenever you're ready to talk about your demons." He whispers, raising his hand to cup my face. Just one last time.

Leaning into his hand. I feel the familiar warmth that has become so foreign to me.

"I wish things were different." I mumble.

"Me too." Adonis says softly, "I ain't going to give up on you."

And I ain't going to ruin you.

----------------

Fiddling with my bag, I push my hair out my face and try to work out how the fuck I'm going to complete 4 pieces of homework before tomorrow.

God, I hate A-Levels.

A grunt of pain echoing across the College grounds caught my attention and my head flies up.

There's someone on the floor, and Logan is kicking the fuck out of him.

My feet burns as I rush over the asphalt ground of the car park, reaching Logan before the dispute spiralled. Ignoring the fear in the pit of my stomach, I force myself in between them without any consideration for the fact there's a blade.

"Evan." Logan gapes at me, breathlessly. It doesn't take long for him to snap out of the shock and he grabs my arm and pushes me out of the way.

Reality seems to set in as he turns to the unfamiliar boy, "I'll make you pay for this."

He punches him once, and the boy hits the floor instantly. Logan doesn't stop. He straddles him. ruthlessly ramming his fist into the boys face until he becomes almost unrecognisable.

"Don't. Ever. Come. On. My. Turf. With. A. Blade. And. Try. To. Threaten. Me. In. Front. Of. My. Boys."

He partners every word with a punch until I'm left speechless.

"Enough." I mutter, before finding the courage to raise my voice. "Logan! He's can't fight anymore. Leave it."

He doesn't stop. My stare turns to Mohammed, who's stood watching aimlessly, and he refuses to meet my desperate gaze. Michael and Karis aren't here.

"Loz." Mo finally speaks up as he yells at Logan, but Logan doesn't even listen. "Man, calm down. It's done."

My breathing steadies only slightly when Logan gets to his feet and finally separates from the obvious rival. I can see him properly now. It's not been long since I last saw him but Logan's changed immensely from that time. The bags until his eyes are larger and he's pale.

"Don't you fucking involve yourself in my business ever again." He snarls at me, rushing towards me only to stop a few inches away from where I stood. "Are you actually that stupid? You dumb bitch."

My eyebrows furrow. His body hovers over mine and I can tell he's trying to make himself seem bigger, to intimidate me, but it confuses me on why he would want to do that.

"Lo?"

Silence. He shuffles past me, disregarding my entire presence, and leans down to grab the knife that must have fell onto the ground.

"Fucking prick made it dirty." I'm not supposed to hear it. It's a muttered statement under his breath.

I freeze.

It's his knife? Logan's?

What?

"What the fuck, Lo? Why do you have a knife?" It slips out before I have the chance to stop myself. His gunmetal eyes shoot to mine immediately. "This ain't you."

"You don't fucking know me." The venom in his voice makes me flinch back.

"Talk to me, man." I say softly, "Come on, I feel like I've lost my best mate. I never see you anymore and now this?"

"Stop trying to get into my head." He drops the knife, running his hands through his hair. "Stop talking." He mutters. "Shut up, shut up, shut up." Before I know it, he spins around and his hand encloses around my throat, tightening slightly. A car wall hits my back and I bite my lip in a bid to conceal any winces of pain.

I try to conceal my shock at his sudden change, instead concentrating on him directly.

"You've got 5 seconds to remove your hands from my neck." Our stares lock, "Otherwise, I'm going to beat the dog shit out of you."

"Oh yeah?" There's that challenge and then his hands are gone.

I'm on the ground before I have the chance to think twice. My eye feels like it's exploding and my hand shoots up to my face.

"Not so hard now are you." He growls, spitting on the asphalt in front of me.

I stare at him with wide, blood-shot eyes, not quite believing what just happened.

He punched me?

"You preach about my future, about wanting to help me, knowing me but you don't know shit." He looks different, callous and cruel. I've never seen this side of him. "You don't have a fucking clue."

He storms off, pausing at the end of the street and shouting back at me. "From what I've heard, Jonah liked to run his mouth too. Watch yourself, Blackwood."

He's gone.

That boy I met 5 years ago. The vulnerable, broken child has now been forged into this callous and heartless man.

Why'd he mention Jonah? I know he's mates with Michael and Michael killed him but surely Logan doesn't know that? He wouldn't stick with them if he did.

He fucking slept in Jonah's room, for fucks sake, in the months before he died.

Fuck him. I ain't scared.

Why should I be? 'Cause they'll kill me?

Yeah, because I'm so scared of that. They took my brother but they've got the same 24 hours that I've got and bleed like I bleed so why the fuck should they scare me?

But it's Logan.

I pull myself up, ignoring the way my legs ache with the desire to fall once again. My face aches and I can feel the bruise forming, knowing that I'd have to find a way to explain it to my Mums.

I'm walking down the street, next to the park, when I notice a familiar group of people sat on the ramps. Adonis sees me too and I see him speak to the others.

I don't know how long its been since Logan hit me. But I feel completely defeated. I can't think straight.

Why would he mention Jonah? What if he knew? What if Michael knows I that I know and comes for me?

Attempting to walk away and act as if I didn't see him, I freeze as he shouts my name. "Eva!!"

I turn back, gulping, watching him jog until he's at the gate.

His signature grin is tattooed onto his face and as much as I want to admire his perfect attire, I can't find the effort nor the motivation too.

"Eva, I wa- What happened to your face?" He cuts himself off, closing the distance between us. "Who?"

"Leave it." I stepped away from him, my gaze looking everywhere but at him.

" Who did that to you?" The raw coldness leaking from his tone made me flinch, my entire body tensing. My entire face hurts and my eyes started to sting. Fuck. I hate crying.

"Just drop it, Dee!" Tears streamed down my face before I can stop them, my body shaking. "Please. Please, please, please, please."

The blood pounded in my ears, I felt dizzy. My heart thudded continuously in my chest. My hands shook. Everything was shaking. My hands. My legs. My head. The park. I blink, everything was disfigured and blurry. I fall to my knees, the floor catching me.

Breathe, Evangeline.

"Evan? Eva?"

The voice speaking sounded distant, far away but audible. Somewhat at least. I tried to focus on my breathing, but I couldn't stop the pain in my chest as I tried to catch my breath. My entire body is convulsing and I let out of whimper. Everything hurts as I rock myself back and forth.

Deep breaths.

My cries came harder then, my entire body was growing tight as bile rose in my burning throat. I knew it was a panic attack, I knew it wouldn't hurt me, but that didn't change anything. Anxiety was suffocating me, drowning me, strangling me.

I can't breathe.

Logan could have stabbed that boy. He had a knife on him. Did he have it in College? Or did Mohammed bring it to him?

I could hear Adonis panicking near me, calling my name. I try to speak but all I can release are pure, agonising cries.

A whirlwind of memories attacked me in that moment.

Michael.

Jonah.

That night.

No. No. No, no, no, no.

I can't go back there.

I can't.

"Breathe, Eva."

They're speaking to Jonah. They pull out a knife.

I'm trying to scream, trying to shout for them to stop but I can't.

Why can't I stop them?

Pain.

Like I was being split open.

A hand touches my shoulder and I flinch as though I've been burnt, curling into myself. "You're safe. Nothing is going to happen to you. I'm here. You're okay. Breathe with me."

Why can't I scream?

Logan. Logan's going to hurt me. Watch yourself.

No. I can't die. My Mums wouldn't last this time.

Fuck.

He's screaming. I'm screaming. Atlas is here. No. He can't get hurt too, I can't lose them both.

No, no, no, no, no.

Why us? Why my family? Why won't this all end? I'm tired, man. I'm so fucking tired.

Lips meet mine.

I breathe. In and out. Just like I was taught. My vision is blurry.

Adonis pulls away from me, holding my face gently. "Ev?"

I panted heavily, staring up at him with wide eyes. "What just happened?"

"I kissed you, you were having a panic attack and I didn't know what to do." He says softly, wiping my tears away with his thumb. Pulling me into a hug, he runs his fingers through my hair softly. "You're okay."

"How did you know that worked?" I ask quietly, embarrassment burning in the depths of my stomach at him witnessing that.

"Let's just say," He smiles tenderly, "Lydia Martin is a fucking legend."

"You can't do that again." I tell him, despite wishing secretly that he would. But I'm not that selfish, I can't burden him with my fucked up life.

"Why not?" He pushes away from me this time, shaking his head. "Ev, give me one good reason why we can't at least try this, and I swear I'll give you a million on why we should. You know I like you, and a part of me thinks you like me too."

"I'm no-"

"Yes you are." He interrupts me, "Look, whatever happened with you and Julian is in the past. I know something happened and you're scared, maybe you think I'll hurt you or leave you but I won't, I'll protect you. I'll take you away from them all, if you want. I'm not going to hurt you. I won't abandon you."

"I can't do this,  Dee. You need to understand." My voice breaks, and I hold my head in my hands.

It's for his own good.

"Alright." Adonis nods his head, thinking for a moment before continuing. "But I will keep fighting, Evangeline Blackwood, 'cause, in all honesty, me and you, I don't see anything not happening. You're not ready and that's fine, but I'm still sticking around. If nothing ever changes between us, I get it and it's fine. But maybe something will so I'll stick around, just in case."

"You're insatiable." I say in disbelief.

He smirks, "All part of the charm, Babe."

I look down, smiling.

Maybe being fought for won't be so bad.

"Eva, can I ask you something?" The gentleness is back, the part of Adonis that I adore with all my heart.

"You just did." I chuckle forcefully.

"Then another?"

I nod my head.

"Who hurt you? Was it Julian? 'Cause I swear to God, I'll ki-"

"It wasn't Julian." I whisper, my voice breaking.

"Hey, hey, hey. You're okay. You're safe, I promise." He draws circles into my shoulder blade, wrapping his arms around my shoulders so I could melt into his embrace.

"It was Logan. He switched." I mumble against his hoodie, clinging to the soft fabric.

I can't ignore the way his entire body tenses against mine at my words.

"What?" That shock. The same that I had. It takes him a moment to recover before he's stood upright, nodding over to Morgan, whose eyes are on us.

Confession: You can't ever trust no one.