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evangeline blackwood

"Go on...without me...it's okay."

"Eva-"

"Go, Morgan...It's fine. Just let me...die here...Remember that I'll always love you and you'll always be my best mate."

"Evan, we've been running for literally 2 minutes."

"Yeah well it's shit, Morgan." I deadpan, holding my hands to my head to regulate my breathing.

We slow down into a steady jog that turns into a walk. Morgan's smiling, his flushed skin the only sign that he was exercising.

"Why did I agree to this?" I complain, sighing.

"Because you wanted to spend more time with me, Darlin'." Morgan teases, trying to squeeze my cheek but I slapped his hand away.

Once I get my breath back completely, I start to look around and find myself in a place that I definitely didn't want to be.

I pause, my entire body coming to a halt as I notice Logan, Michael, Mo and Karis stood near the large skip. They don't notice me but I certainly noticed them.

Without warning, I'm 14 again and my brother is on the floor. There's blood everywhere and he's there and he's not breathing. I can't stay there, I can't let someone find me with him.

So I run, and I don't stop. But I don't leave without grabbing the blue-to-crimson red Puma Hoodie that Michael dumped in the skip.

Morgan notices my reaction, snapping me back into reality as he squeezes my arm. Turning away, with the full intention of walking in the opposite direction, he uses his hold on my arm to stop me.

"E," I focus on the circles he's rubbing into my arm, trying pathetically to steady my breathing. "You got to do this. I'm here, okay? You're safe, I won't let them hurt you. But you need to walk past them and that place. Not just for them to know that you're not scared, but for yourself. They didn't break you."

My words come out as pants. Shaky and hesitant. "What if they did, Morgs?"

"Then you don't let them see you weak. They don't deserve the satisfaction. You're so strong, E. I'm so proud of how far you've come. So let's do this, together. I won't leave you."

"They can't see you either. You've been avoiding them since College started."

He exhales, looking at me expectantly. "E, they can't hurt me. I'm invincible, remember?"

I don't say anything but I hold my pinky out.

The corner of his lips tug up slightly as he extends his own, wrapping it around mine.

Nodding my head, he sticks by my side as I walk past them. I don't turn my head to look at them for even a second and I pray that my anxiety isn't written all over my face.

By the time we're completely past them, I finally breathe again. My lungs expanding to let in the fresh air that my brain was desperate for.

"You did it." Morgan smiles at me, before wrapping his arms around my body and letting me cling to him. "I'm so proud of you."

--------

After my run, I make my way to The Walkers residence where I know Rory and Ashanti are waiting for me. The door is open upon my arrival, which is a bad idea in general, but I go inside anyway and go to her room.

"You alright?" I say in greeting. Ashanti is sat on the bed, nodding her head at me, and Rory is on her desk chair.

Sitting down on the floor, I pull my knees up to my chest and check my phone. Ashanti's telling a pointless story and Rory nods and smiles along.

"Are you alright?" I interrupt, to ask Rory, noticing the way her eyes don't truly meet her smile.

She shuffles at my question, eyes moving to the floor and back up confirming to me the answer.

But all she does is shrug.

Ashanti notices too, "Rory, you can speak to us if you need to. We don't judge."

"I've been seeing this boy in your year." Rory exhales, not meeting either of our eyes. "And I thought it was going really well, I was starting to like him quite a lot. We were going out on dates none stop, he took me everywhere. And then last night, he just texted me out of nowhere saying he's got someone else and all I was was a good fuck."

Ashanti kisses her teeth, the expression on her face extremely similar to my own.

We'll kill him.

Rory continues, sitting back in her chair. "I just wish things were different. Maybe a different time, or when we were older? Maybe we could've met somewhere else and things would've worked out the way I wanted them too. It's pathetic, I've never been the sort of girl to cry or complain or get attached but, to me, it wasn't a mess about. I've been speaking to him since the first day of College, he never gave me any indication that it was anything minor."

"Men ain't shit."

"He told me about you when I phoned him, demanding an explanation." Rory eyes Ashanti, "He said he fucked you too but he isn't into 'easy' girls."

My eyebrows furrow. "'Ti, I thought...?"

Her eyes widen, and I notice how her grip on her own crossed arms tightens.

"I'm a virgin so I don't know what the fuck he's talking about." She shrugs as if she isn't bothered but I can tell there's something wrong.

"Who's his new girlfriend?" I question, trying to change the subject at Ashanti's obvious discomfort.

"She's called Karis."

My eyes widen, "Karis Crookes?"

"Yeah, I think so."

Ashanti turns to me, "I thought she was with Michael Jacobsen?"

"She is." I confirm, "So I don't know what the fuck that's about. Either way, tell your brothers about that boy and I'm sure he'll be apologising soon."

"Don't tempt me." Rory laughs, knowing full well what I mean.

"Adonis would want to know if someone's hurt his sister, same with Apollo and Morgan." When she doesn't reply, I continue, "You should speak to them."

"I will." She tells me softly.

"I'm just going to the bathroom." I dismiss myself, sending them both one last smile before leaving.

I pushed the door open, choking on the air.

Phoenix's limp body was lying with his head on the toilet, the smell of vomiting strangeling me as I notice his eyes are completely shut.

There was no response from him, his body completely still.

"Phoenix?"

Shit.

"Phoe!" I rushed inside, sliding down to my knees and try to shake him.

He doesn't even shift.

"Rory! 'Shanti!" I scream, trying pathetically to find a pulse. I try to press harder but I can't feel anything. His chest isn't rising. Fumbling with my phone, I almost drop it as I try to call the emergency services. Someone takes the phone off me and I pull the 15 year old off the toilet, lying him straight.

I can do this.

30 chest compressions. 2 breaths.

1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

"I need you to wake up, Phoe. Please."

6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13.

"You're not doing this to your family. You're okay. Come on, man. You're okay." 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. "Please."

19. 20. 21. 22. 23.

I can hear Rory crying. Ashanti's voice is trembling as she speaks to the hospital.

24. 25. 26. 27.

Fuck.

28. 29. 30.

I tilt his chin back, punching his nose and exhaling deeply into his mouth twice.

Repeating the chest compressions, I press harder and harder until his chest finally pushes itself up and he starts coughing. They're violent and he's choking on his own vomit but he's alive.

He's breathing.

"'Shanti, what now?"

She speaks to the advisor, "Recovery position, they're nearly here."

I do as she instructs, continuously checking for his breathing and pulse.

Rory speaks up, "Please, E, please don't let my brother die. I can't, I can't, I can't.." She trails off, choking up.

I continue monitoring him, checking for any slight change until the ambulance arrives.

They put him on a stretcher, and we follow them until they're outside.

"One of you can come." The paramedic says, her gaze flicking towards us all.

Rory just stares at the ambulance with wide, watery eyes. "I can't...Tell him I'm sorry."

She jogs until she disappears around the street corner. Ashanti sends me an apologetic look, "We'll meet yous at the hospital. I'll phone Donnie and Apollo."

"Okay."

I feel weird, I don't like it.

I sit in the ambulance, watching the woman stick an IV in his arm and monitor all his things like the sort of thing you'd see in a film.

"Does he have a history with eating-related disorders?"

"Did you end up speaking to Phoenix?" I ask, studying the way his nose wrinkles at my words.

"Yeah, I found pure food stashed in his room. He just won't eat it, even though all of us have told him that he needs to. My Pops is dead worried."

"He stashes food, sometimes doesn't, um, doesn't eat a lot. He's been passing out too, so I think so." I answer honestly. "Is he going to be okay?"

"He's 16?" She asks again, dismissing my question.

"15." I correct, "I found him with his head on the toilet, I think he'd thrown up."

"How long has this been going on for?"

"I've only known him for a few months but I think for a while. He's lost a lot of weight recently and he was tiny when I first met him."

She nods, but otherwise stays silent. I go to grab my phone and then realise that I've left it with Ashanti.

We reach the hospital quickly, which I'm immensely grateful for. I follow the stretcher until they tell me I can't go any further and they'll keep me updated.

I'm sat on the corridor floor, with my arms wraps around my knees when Ashanti and the Walkers come running towards me. Rory isn't with them.

It's then and only then that I can feel the tears that I've held back straying down my face. He's 15, a kid. Why would he want to do that to himself?

Apollo and Ashanti sit on the chairs across the corridor and Adonis sits down next to me, pulling me into his arms and we both cry into each other.

"I'm sorry..I...What if I wasn't quick enough?" I tug at my hair, the apologies spilling out of me. "We didn't know, I swear. I'm so sorry, Dee, I'm so sorry."

"I don't know what I'd do without him." He whispers, "I can't lose him too."

Confession: I truly hope Phoenix finds the help he deserves and stops hating himself. The strongest thing he can do is look past his insecurities and keep going.