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evangeline blackwood

Sometimes, it all gets too much.

When it's not Jonah, it's exams and the future and life.

And when it's not that everlasting fear of what will happen, it's fixating on my past with Julian.

My thoughts strangle me, pulling and tugging until I'm gasping for breath. Morgan was right when he told me that things like that don't just go away. Julian Parks was my first love, the first person I truly exposed myself too mentally and physically.

When we stayed with each other over night, he used to tell me that he thought I was beautiful. My features, my skin, my soul, my strength. We would share our darkest secrets and what we thought about those around us. Endless conversations embedded with sparkles and electricity. Looking out for each other, checking that we were both taking care of ourselves first. He told me that he loved me eternally; I believed him. I believed that I could trust him, I believed that he wouldn't leave me.

And then he switched.

He told me he would always be there for me, yet every time my throat closed and my eyes bled, he wasn't there. He never answered his phone, or checked if I was home safe. Suddenly, all them intoxicating kisses full of fury and fire and raw lust were gone. Dissipated into thin air, like snowflakes, as my hope fell into an abyss of misery.

I'd say I saw it coming, but I didn't. I didn't think that could ever happen to me because I couldn't comprehend the idea of the world being that fucking cruel to me again.

In an instant, I was choking. My whole body began to ache with pain. It's indescribable. My heart stopped. Mind empties, going blank and every single reason that you had as motivation is immediately replaced with these doubtful thoughts. What did I do wrong? Was I not pretty enough? Kind enough? Did I not love him enough to want to make him stay and love me too?

It gets to a point where you feel like an entirely different person. And that's because you are. Your brain switches and the old you just has a front row seat as these thoughts cause chaos to erupt in your mind.

People who break your heart don't stop and consider how much damage they do.

You'd think with how callous he is to me that I wouldn't care. But I do. I still care and it hurts so much because I don't want it to.

I don't want to care about the person who tried to ruin me. I don't want to care about him at all.

A figure rushes into my front room, breathless and sweaty.

"Right, if anyone questions where I am, I've left the country. Stupid, igno-What's wrong?" Ashanti cuts herself off, standing straight and staring right at me. "Give me a name, an address. Tell me who and I swear I'll kill them."

"I'm okay." I tell her weakly, to which she scoffs at.

"Bull-fucking-shit. Who hurt you?"

"I'm just in a really shitty mood, alright?" I look off to the side. "I feel weird. Like I just want to punch someone in the face for no reason. Or cry until the sun goes down."

She nods, sitting down opposite me on my bed and pulling her knees to her chest. "It's been a weird year. Coming back to college must've been hard."

"Sometimes I just get tired, you know?" I stare at my fist wrapped around the bed sheet. "Like really fed up. Things have been going good, right? So I have no reason to feel like this but I do and I don't get it. I feel like I keep losing people, like I'm losing everyone around me and I'm sick of feeling like this-I don't want to feel like this no more."

"Evan-"

"I missed you, 'Ti. I've really missed you."

"I'm always here, Ev. Just call me."

"Same for you, man. Always." I send her a sad smile, "I know you're a lot more closed off than me but I am here."

Something flashes through her eyes but it's gone within a second. "I get that it's life, innit. Sometimes things can get really heavy. So heavy that you can't keep up a facade anymore and you don't want to laugh and smile, you just want to curl up and cry and tell everyone to fuck off."

"We've been through a lot. Both of us." I say softly.

Because we have.

I don't think anyone would ever understand as much unless you've lived it.

Aside from the general fear of someone we know dying, we're basically immune to the other stuff. Police sirens, blood stains, the knowledge that we could just walk down a road and end up in a gang fight. That one of us could die.

We both lost Jonah. I've never known my life without Ashanti, she grew up beside me. Jonah was just as much her family as he was mine.

And Logan. We found him together, with the addition of Morgan. We sorted out Social Services, we went to look for him whenever he went missing, we loved him and cared for him until he could look after himself.

"No one compares." She says, holding my hand in hers. "No one."

"Me and you against the world. Forever." I hold out my pinky, and she links hers without hesitation.

"I've got so much love for you. It's insane." Ashanti laughs, leaning her head on my shoulder.

We sit in silence for a bit. The only sound being our breathing. My entire body loosened, the knots in my muscles undoing with the serenity and the presence of my best friend.

"How come you needed to flee the country?"

"Dad saw the picture of me and Morgan on my lockscreen."

"White boy?" I say, already knowing the answer.

"White boy." She smiles, "Apparently my Grandad would be crying in shame."

I kiss my teeth, "Your parents will get over it eventually. Just hard to forget how they've been treated and realising that a minority does not determine the majority."

"Are you telling me your Dad knows about Donnie?" She asks with a raised brow.

"Nothing to know." I say, shrugging. "But I haven't told him but Jace probably has. Don't you remember how he reacted when Morgan started coming around?"

Her eyes widened in realisation, "Shit, yeah I do. God, that was funny."

My Dad had got back from a tour and my Mum had told him I couldn't come down because I had a friend upstairs. And then she slipped up and used the He pronoun. Apparently, he spilt his tea everywhere as he rushed upstairs. I just remember him rushing upstairs and bursting into my room saying: 'You better have your damned clothes on, boy' and 'Oh my fuck, he's white'.

A part of me puts it down to the lack of diversity in our area of South London, especially in my Dad's youth. But meeting and liking Morgan definitely helped him get used to Logan on a quicker scale.

"I miss them times." She whispers, softly exhaling.

"Everything was so much easier."

"Do you remember when we first told Jonah about Logan? How he helped us search for hours even though he needed to revise for his A-levels?" Ashanti smiles, but the sadness that lingers in her eyes matches mine wholeheartedly. "I miss him so much."

"He was your brother too." I shrug simply, "I'll never understand why someone chose to take him from us."

"Are you sure nothing isn't going on with you and Donnie?"

"Nothing more than a friendship." I reply honestly.

"Do you want it to be more?" Ashanti pushes further, raising her eyebrow in question

"We phone a lot and text. He asks me to meet him quite a lot too, for food and stuff." I dodge the question, "I'm at a stage where I don't think I could go back to how it was before I met him."

"What do you make of the others too?"

"The other Walkers?" I clarify, continuing once she nods her head. "I think Apollo is really hard on himself and I think Logan will be good for him. Rory is someone I absolutely adore, her soul is just beautiful. But I'm a bit worried about Phoenix, something isn't right there."

"What do you reckon?" Ashanti asks gently, "You're normally good at identifying them sort of things."

"Body dysmorphia, without a doubt. Adonis said some things and obviously there was the bathroom and seizure incidents." I try to connect all the dots in my mind and it's the only thing I can actually stick with.

"That's fucking awful."

"Innit." I bite my inner cheek, "I-"

"Rory and Apollo are going to the Parlour. You fancy it?"

My lips tug up at her words and, with that, we begin to get ready.

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The doors to the Ice-Cream parlour gave a musical tinkle as I pushed the door open. The warmth of the room hit me instantly as I was greeted with the sweet smell of ice cream and cookie-dough. My mouth watered as Ashanti and I walked over to the table where Apollo and Rory were.

"You're only 20 minutes late." Rory remarks impatiently, rolling her eyes and checking her watch for emphasis. "Apollo had to stop me from eating your food at least three times."

"Four, actually." Apollo comments, sipping his coffee with a sigh. "She hasn't stopped complaining since we left the house. I know she's my little sister but she needs to come with a hazard sign; Dangerous when hungry or something like that. Keep away at all costs."

"Carry on and you'll be leaving with a broken nose." She warns, sticking her tongue out at him.

"Not before I put your coffee over your head." Apollo shrugs casually.

I chuckle aimlessly as the siblings continue to taunt each other, already having been warned about their banter off Adonis.

"What's wrong with you then?" Ashanti asks, aiming her question at Rory.

The younger girl shuffles in her seat and I don't know why but her hesitance makes me remember that she still is a kid, no matter how mature she is.

"Basically, if my day gets any worse I'm asking hell if they have an exchange program."

Ashanti snorts at her words, even Apollo is biting his lip to stop himself from laughing.

"I'm not joking."

"What happened?"

"She got into an argument with Donnie while he was drunk." Apollo rolls his eyes as he speaks. "She ended up punching him and now Dad won't talk to her because he fell into the glass table."

"Damn girl, can you actually throw a punch that well?" Ashanti whistles, shaking her head in amazement.

"He annoyed me."

"Didn't he tell you? I could hear you on the phone until late last night." Apollo cuts in, eyebrows furrowed.

Heat creeps up my neck at his words and I can feel Ashanti's gaze on the side of my face. "We were just talking about random things."

Watching Apollo and Rory interact so casually ignites a sense of envy within me. They lost their sister and their mother, I don't understand how they could seem so normal, so at peace. I would never have realised that their pain ran so deep until Adonis told me.

I felt guilty for not realising it sooner, like with Morgan.

My heartache was so visible and so obvious that there's very few people who don't know about Jonah. And that very fact has started to make me question whether that's why I'm not healing, made me question how they could act so normal when I truly couldn't.

Because they're not okay, deep down.

I don't understand.

Maybe I was my own problem. Adonis and Apollo wouldn't have had time to fall into some major depression because they needed to look after Rory and Phoenix.

Maybe that's what I need to do.

Ignore it until it all goes away. Ignore it until Atlas doesn't ever realise just how fucked up I am.

Confession: Fuck knife crime.