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evangeline blackwood

I woke up early. I rubbed my eyes, reaching over my bed to get my phone naturally.

In my dazed slummer, I made contact with warm skin instead. The events from last night came back to me in waves and I recall just what happened between Adonis and I.

This isn't the first time he's stayed at mine, but this time he was still asleep when I woke up. His usually arrogance face was now calm, relaxed even as he slept.

He was a truly beautiful human being.

Aside from his blessed features, his soul was devastatingly alluring too. He seemed like the sort of person you'd thank for breaking your heart, as ominous as that sounds.

His sleeping form was something completely out of the ordinary, I've never known sleep to be that peaceful before. His long eyelashes are splayed across his warm, tan cheeks, the sweet and soft hue of red embracing them almost effortlessly. And then my gaze fell on the light freckles that swirled and adorned his face like stars, stunning constellations that glowed with sheer and raw serenity.

I could stare at him forever and, with that realisation, my jaw and stomach dropped in sync.

Oh my god.

I like him.

Like, like him. In the way that both Ashanti and Logan thought I would.

And I have no fucking idea what to do about it.

-*-*

The ice-cream parlour was beaming with light as Morgan and I walked out. We'd decided to have a day with just us, as it has been a long time since we did just that.

A part of me wanted to tell him about Adonis. But, at the same time, I can't bring myself to say the words out loud. I know how this game works, I know that, despite everything, everyone always leaves.

Adonis Walker would not be the exception.

Fuck.

I couldn't like him. I couldn't depend on him. But the real question was; how could he ever like me? That's what it came down to. No matter how I feel about him, Adonis would never share my feelings.

And maybe that isn't a bad thing.

I needed to sort myself out. My mental health and my fucked up thoughts. My fears and my nightmares. Liking Adonis was like inviting him to share this pain, and I couldn't ever put someone else through that.

How would he look at me if he knew that Jonah died because of me? He wouldn't stay friends with me once he found out. I was the one who called Jonah that night, the one who asked him to come home so I wouldn't be alone. I was selfish and unfair and, because of me, he was on that street at that exact time and they found him.

They found him and they killed him.

But if it wasn't for me, he would've never been there. If it wasn't for me, my brother would still be alive.

I can't ruin Adonis too.

All through my mental ranting, Morgan had ordered and handed me an ice cream cone. I thanked him and furrowed my eyebrows as he bit into his double scooped, cookies and cream ice cream.

"What flavour did you get me?" I ask, not quite being able to work out what it is.

He shrugs, "Think it was called Football Fever or something."

"Wow thanks." I laugh, taking another dubious lick of the bizarre coloured ice cream. As we step outside of the parlour, my eyes are instantly drawn to the large park sign and, upon that view, my eyes meet a pair of dark brown eyes.

He threw the hoodie in the skip, chuckling over the blood. He took the knife with him.

Knife.

Knife.

Knife.

My entire world freezes, my breathing halts. I don't see anything in his eyes. I always dreamed of them being so callous that my whole body would be filled with goosebumps. But they aren't. They're just empty, raw and void and empty.

He doesn't care about anything. He doesn't care about the pain his actions inflict.

Without another moment of hesitation, I turn quickly and walk as far away from the ice cream parlour and the park as possible. My mind is blank and I don't even register dropping my ice cream as I start to jog down the alley beside a random shop.

The blood pounds in my ears. My heart thudded in my chest. My hands shake. My feet tingle. I need to get away, my vision is disfigured and I can't tell whether it's from the panic or the tears stinging within my eyelids. I can't do this anymore. I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't.

My hands are over my ears, my phone beeping and beeping and beeping. Like it did that day. When Jonah sent me that final text. There. My nails dig into my palms and the pain calms me slightly.

In and out.

I cry harder, my chest somehow growing tighter as bile rises in my throat. My back hits the wall firmly.

I hear shuffling and suddenly, Morgan is looking straight at me, stunned and silent.

"Why did you disappear? What just happened? You dropped your ic-" And then, "Wait...Evan, are you crying?"

I close my eyes. Shaking.

"What's happened? Evan?" His voice is a lot closer than previously, and I realise that he must be right beside me. "What's up with you?"

"I can't breathe." I whisper, praying to just die. "I can't, I can't, I can't, I-"

And that's when my knees give out.

Morgan pulls me into his arms.

"Let go." I mumble weakly despite trying to scream. He's holding me up and I want to protest but my lips won't form the words, my heart has completed expired and my mind has completely descended into hell. My eyes are weeping, bleeding even. Morgan's whispering words of comfort but I can't hear them, his tight grip is attempting pathetically to hold me together through force but it's futile.

I feel numb. Nothing. Just like I'm falling into this eternal abyss or like I'm in a labyrinth that I can't escape.

Just nothing. A void.

We're on the floor now. He's shushing me, rocking me back and forth in his lap. I try to speak again, shout for Jonah, scream at those who took him away from me, but nothing comes out aside from a small, pitiful cry.

It takes a while but when I finally calm down, Morgan's right beside me.

"Did you see Michael?" He runs his fingers through my hair, whispering the words as if I'd run off at the mention of his name.

"I'm sorry, Morgs. I..I.." I stutter, clenching my eyes shut. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

How can it be that 4 years later, I can't even look at him without my anxiety completely drowning me?

"Don't apologise, E. I get it."

I keep my mouth sealed shut at that statement but he must notice how I tense up.

He gets it.

He's said stuff like that before. Cryptic and small. I've never commented on it. It's his shit.

But I pray to God that he's never experienced this misery.

"You know what, Evan? I always see how your face changes when something baffles you or you want to know more. But you never ask, why?"

I swallow, "If people want to speak about something then they will."

"You mean like what you saw?" I knew he'd mention it. I knew he fucking would.

So why does it still sting even though I expected it?

"Sometimes, it's not about whether you want to speak about it or not and more about the fact that you need to." He explains, "You can lie to everyone about it but you can't lie to yourself. It will continue ripping you apart."

I shake my head, shuffling to the side of him. "What are you so bothered?"

"Why do you think? I don't want you to feel this loneliness that I know you have." His voice trails off, almost breaking. My eyes widen. "You want to ask again. I can see it."

He begins talking before I even have the chance to disagree.

"Donnie's family fostered me while I was in Year 5." He starts off, his eyes set on the wall in front of us. "My Mum fucked off before I had the chance to start walking and my Dad..My Dad didn't know what to do."

"Mor-"

"Don't. I want to tell you." He interrupts, grabbing my hand and squeezing it. "A part of me always wished he was hooked on to something, you know? Just to excuse the behaviour. But he wasn't. He just..didn't care. Left me to my own thing. I'd find ways to feed myself, cloth myself, teach myself. Sometimes, I'd go for days without eating a thing. Other times, he'd just scream and scream and scream. He never hit me but words hurt too, you know."

"Don't you live with him now?" I pry hesitantly.

"I stayed with Donnie and the Walkers for nearly two years while Dad was in some psychiatric unit. The social called it M.D.D, said he had it for years. Once he was better and they said he was fit for custody, I went back with him and we moved away."

"I'm so sorry that happened to you."

"Are you crying?" He shoves my shoulder, smiling sadly. "Don't cry for me, Blackwood. You're getting soft."

"How can I not? You're like the most amazing person I know and you didn't deserve any of that."

"No one deserves to go through shit, E." He wipes the tears on my cheeks, his lips tugging up. "But sometimes, stuff just happens and we can't control it. We just got to do what we need to do. I worked for years to smash all my exams so that when I'm all old and grey, I can give my kids everything that I never got given."

"I always thought you were the smartest person alive." My lips tug up as his eyes open wider at my words.

"I ain't smart."

"You are." I grin, "You don't even realise it."

"Thanks." He looks lost for words and it just makes me like him even more as a person.

I divert my eyes, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want my shit to get in the way of yours."

"You're one of my best friends. You're shit is my shit, always." Wrapping my arms around his shoulders, I leaned my head into the crook of his head. "I love you, man."

"Love you too, E." He muffles back. "So many people have underestimated you, thinking that you were going to break. They were wrong."

"What'd you mean?" I pull away from our hug, my eyebrows furrowing.

"No one thought you'd come back to college after last year."

I freeze, "What d'you mean last year?"

They can't know, can they? Even Ashanti and Logan doesn't know.

"It got too hard for you, didn't it? Being reminded of your brother everywhere in that place?"

"Nah, I.." I trail off, thinking back to them first few weeks in sixth form. Jonah's picture was everywhere, captain of all the major teams, best damned kid in his year in terms of his grades.

His death shocked everyone. And the college acted as if he was still there.

"It was something different, but I get what you mean." I explain softly, taking a deep breath.

"Oh, fair enough." He hums, "Either way, you're much stronger than the things that tried to break you. Just like me."

Confession: We didn't deserve the shit we went through.