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evangeline blackwood

Jonah used to tell me that, as humans, we should always be kind to ourselves. To treat ourselves in the same way that we'd want the younger versions of ourselves to treat their lives. And the same question always arose. What would we say to the younger versions of ourselves if we could?

I think I'd tell her to not try and find her worth in a boy. To love herself so deeply that no one's disapproval could ever harm her. To fall deeply, truly and madly in love with herself. Because, at the end of it all, how can you expect someone to love you or vise versa if you don't even like yourself. I'd tell her that I'm there now. That I've finally started to like me for me.

I'd then tell her that life has taught me a few things.

First and foremost, that she didn't deserve anything that happened to her. She didn't deserve to lose her brother or get hit or get called every name under the sun for disagreeing with her boyfriend. I'd tell her that sometimes, you can be the nicest person in the room and do everything right, but things still go wrong. That part of life is inevitable and not always with reason.

The second thing I've learnt is that family is everything and not all family is blood. I'd tell her not to push her Mums away, I'd tell her to be honest and tell them the truth from the off so years down the line she wouldn't regret never speaking up. I'd tell her that family was ice cream dates with Atlas and weekly Sunday dinners with Cami and Jace. I'd tell her that family was drinking nights with Logan and Ashanti and sometimes family can be found in the randomest of places.

Then I'd make sure she understood that it doesn't get easier and that's okay. People don't always change and wounds don't always heal. These are the parts of life that cannot be controlled. But by surrounding yourself with good people, people that you genuinely enjoy being around, you can survive.

"What's wrong, Ev?" My Mum sits down next to me, interrupting my train of thought, grabbing the television remote and flicking through the channels until she finds one she likes.

"Nightmare." I mutter, leaning my head against her shoulder.

Ah." Cami nods, "You've been having less though, since college began."

"Yeah I know." Of course I know. I've not had more than one nightmare-free night in a row before.

"Has it got anything to do with the new kids that brought us food?"

"No. Why would it?" My brows furrowed in confusion.

"Because that's the only thing that's changed." She taps her nose, chuckling. "I saw you and one of the twins talking for a while."

"Of course you did." I roll my eyes, "Are you alright, Mum?"

"Yeah, course. I just couldn't seem to sleep tonight." Her eyes water and I frown at her.

Despite how much she attempted to hide it, I knew how much Jonah's death still affected her.

She fell into this dark depression after he died, to an extent where she wouldn't work or leave the house. She just cried, and cried, and cried.

She'd never admit it to me, yet I knew my Mum blames herself for it. I don't know why, I don't understand why. But her guilt just becomes so obvious that it's hard to ignore.

She blames herself for not protecting her son.

Now she just ignores it. Or, at least, she ignores it in front of me. If Jace mentions it, she leaves the room. And Dad doesn't even bother to stay long enough to talk about it.

*&*

I don't belong at parties. I have no idea why I agreed to come. I squeeze through the sweaty, hormonal bodies and follow Ashanti. The unfamiliar scent of beer combined with weed hits me like a fist. The music is so loud, it makes my skin tingle and my heart pound against my chest as the bass thumps in time with my heartbeat.

Over the roar of music, a distant, hazy chatter could be heard. I couldn't make out any words, but laughter rang in my ears and wouldn't seem to stop. We reach the corner of the room, the one in which everyone labels as the designated drivers area. I scan the party then, looking for familiar faces.

And praying that my eyes don't meet them haunting brown eyes along the way.

He shouldn't be here, it's Morgan's shout, but I doubt he's invited all these people to begin with.

I'm sat on the garden sofa across from everyone partying under the gazebos in Morgan's back garden. The fact he's put his house on the line for a shout, despite being 18, is highly admirable.

Morgan spots me from his place inside the gazebo. His face breaks out into a heartwarming grin and he waved to me, moving through the crowd of teenagers towards me.

But before he can reach me, a figure stumbles through his side gate and into the back garden.

"Ah there he is, my brother." Adonis slurs slightly, slinging an arm around Morgan's shoulders. "You ain't leaving, are you?"

"It's my party, Don," Morgan laughs, but openly checks Adonis' state. He's, to put it frankly, steaming. "What happened to you sticking off the beer and babysitting Phoe?"

"Oh, it got boring, brother." He falls into Morgan but kisses the side of his cheek in a cute and brotherly way. "And Phoenix is like 15, he'll be fine."

My stomach flutters, I think I've got a thing for guys who don't abide by toxic masculine standards like not showing any affection to other heterosexual males.

Morgan's lips tug up a bit further, despite the hesitation in his eyes. "You're drunk, ain't ya?"

"Little bit." Adonis chuckles, pulling himself away from Morgan and walking to the beer table.

It doesn't take long for Morgan to appear next to me. He sobers up a bit and he stares at me seriously. "Have you heard?"

I frown, "What?"

"Michael put a hit on some kid in College."

My breathing halts, eyes widening. I don't ask how he knows, I already know.

"E, I think it's time that you tell."

"Not happening." I leave no room for argument, turning my head.

"You have to speak about it. Did you even think about going to the Police?" Morgan pushes further.

"I ain't a snitch." I snap, scoffing at the idea.

"How the fuck is it snitching?" He shoots back, "E, they killed your brother."

" Leave it, Morgs." I signed, "You don't get it."

"What don't I get?" He crosses his arms, raising an eyebrow at me.

"It was four years ago. There's no point."

" I'm sorry, E, but I don't agree with you." He leans back onto the wall, shaking his head. "All I know is that if that was my brother or any of my family, I wouldn't rest until the fucker who took him was punished, especially if I knew it wasn't a one off."

"Well I'm not you." I exclaim. "I can't just shut off my emotions or laugh things off. This isn't just a joke, Morgs. This is my life, my brothers dead. Look, it's your birthday tomorrow, man. I don't want to make the mood weird because you deserve to have a good time."

Morgan's eyes don't flicker for even a moment. He straightens up, shrugging his shoulders. "You do whatever you wanna do, E. But don't be scared of no one. I know for a fact Jonah wasn't raised that way and I sure hope you weren't. If you change your mind, know I'll have your back the entire way. No one touches you. They don't know you know so you're already at an advantage."

I run my fingers through my hair, tugging at the ends. I get where he's coming from, I do. I just can't.

I didn't even say the words aloud to him. He asked me if I knew what happened and I just blurted out the fact I saw it.

Adonis is gazing at me from across the garden and, as our eyes meet, he starts walking towards me. We were texting for the majority of the night, even when I woke up at a mad hour he was still awake. I wasn't sure whether I'd come tonight, despite it being Morgan's birthday, but Adonis basically dragged me here and then cancelled last minute.

Without thinking about it, he grabbed my hand and tugs me off the chair I'm sitting on. All whilst ignoring the crowd of teens around us. He hauled me into the house and tried most of the room doors until one of them opened. We ended up in what seemed to be the spare room.

"What are you doing? Morgs said upstairs is out of bounds." I hissed out. "We can't just go into some random room, Dee. Are you insane?"

He rolls his eyes, walking and dragging me into the room. "It's me, he won't care." He pulls a packet of cigarettes out of his pocket and my lip curls up at the sight. Adonis chuckles upon noticing my expression, "It's just weed, calm down."

Adonis pulled a spliff from the packet and lit it up in the dark room. Only around halfway through the spliff did he offer it to me. I accepted it with acquiesce, making him laugh lightly.

Soon enough, both of us were obviously feeling a pleasant buzz. Adonis kept quite a cool expression. You wouldn't have even noticed he was stoned if it wasn't for the slight droop of his eyelids.

"Why do you do it?" I hum, asking the first question that comes to mind whenever I find out someone enjoys a little more than drinking.

I'm not one of them ignorant people that doesn't acknowledge that most people take drugs to escape the things in their lives. Everyone has a reason for doing something, even if they don't know it yet.

"Helps me tune out. I just forget for a while." His eyes slip close and he lies down onto the bed.

I snigger at his expression, not really processing his words for a few minutes. I don't question what he wants to forget.

We just sit there. Lay side by side, quiet and content, as the world spins into silence. 

Confession: I see the world different at times like this.