Chapter 20
Doubt

"Brendt..." I tried to call his attention.

Hindi na napigilan ang pagdaloy ng sakit sa aking boses na tila nanghihina habang nakatingin sa kaniya na ngayo'y titig na titig pa rin sa imbitasyon na hawak-hawak.

I can't help but to wonder... Why is he still this affected?

Two years have passed but his heart is still with those memories he kept for the five years he was with Sandra and her daughter.

I don't want to doubt but his actions are giving me a reason to. If he's fully moved on; If he has already forgotten everything, he wouldn't act like he is still affected.

"Brendt." Muli kong pagsubok na pumasok sa mundo kung saan siya nakakulong ngayon at hinawakan ang kaniyang kamay.

Ramdam ko ang pagkagulat niya nang dahil sa aking paghawak na mukhang nagpabalik sa kaniya sa wisyo.

He casually placed the invitation above the center table before he smiled when he turned to look at me but I can feel thousands of uncertain emotions behind the smile he's faking.

"Let's go to the kitchen. You can watch me cook." Agad niyang pag-iiba ng topic. "I'll cook your favorite. Wait. I'll just check if I still have enough ingredients for it."

Nagmamadali siyang umalis upang tumungo sa kusina. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang titignan niya. Sa pagkakaalam ko ay hindi niya naman alam ang paborito ko.

Marami pa kaming hindi alam tungkol sa isa't isa. Wala pang halos tatlong buwan kaming magkakilala ngunit magpapakasal na kami. Tama ba ang padalos-dalos na desisyon na ginagawa namin?

It is right to ensure my life to him whom I've just met two months ago?

Well, it was Dad who decided that we should already get married. Wala naman ito parehas sa plano naming dalawa. Though I really want to spend the rest of my life with him. There's no doubt to my feelings. But his feelings are shaky. What if he was just caught up in the moment that's why he agreed with my Dad decided?

Should I just cancel our engagement and just have a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with him?

Napahinga naman ako ng malalim at saka sumulyap sa invitation na nilapag niya sa center table. Kinuha ko ito at binasa ng kabuuan ang mga nakasulat dito.

The wedding will be held on October 28 at Sofitel, Seawall Garden.

Cassandra must be so lucky to have someone like Sean who's willing to marry her again for the second time.

Pagkatapos ko itong basahin ay agad ko itong nilapag sa center table kung paano ito iniwan ni Brendt bago tumungo sa kusina.

I can see that he's really focused with preparing everything that he needs before he started cooking.

Umupo nalang ako sa bar stool kung saan mas tanaw ko ang bawat galaw niya habang nagluluto.

Pumalumbaba ako at tinitigan siya nang mapakunot ang aking noo nang maalalang paborito ko raw ang kaniyang lulutuin ngunit wala naman akong nakikitang kasangkapan doon ng paborito kong pagkain.

"Brendt, hindi mo kailangan niyan." Pagpigil ko sa kaniya nang sinimulan niyang batehin ang itlog sa isang maliit na mangkok.

Napatigil naman siya sa ginagawa at saka nakakunot-noong lumingon sa akin.

"Isn't your favorite omurice?" He absentmindedly asked and my heart sunk at his question.

He is thinking of her again. Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses niyang naalala si Sandra ngayon magmula kaninang umaga.

"It is not my favorite food, Brendt." Sabi ko at hindi ko na maiwasan ang hinanakit sa aking boses. "Si Sandra ang may paborito niyan. You told me earlier that she likes you cooking omurice dahil iyan din ang niluto mo kaninang umaga. It's her favorite, not mine."

Bumuntong hininga naman siya at saka hinilot ang kaniyang sintido. Umiling-iling din siya bago muling mag-angat ng tingin sa akin.

"I'm sorry..." He apologized. "It's just... I was so preoccupied." He reasoned out.

"You're preoccupied because of what? Dahil si Sandra lang ang tumatakbo diyan sa isipan mo?" Ako na ang nagpatuloy ng katotohanang dapat niyang isagot.

His eyes slightly widened. Agad din itong dumilin at saka umiling.

"No." He refuted. "Marami lang talaga akong iniisip. Dagdag pa ng pagkakakita ko sa inyo ni Kiel kanina. It's not what you think, Xy."

I don't know if I was just too stubborn to listen to his explanation or because I already know better—his real reasons, that's why I didn't even bother listening to him.

"I know that you are scared earlier with the thought of Kiel taking me away from you. Pero 'diba nang dahil 'yon sa ginawa sa'yo ni Sandra noon?" Walang pag-aalinlangan kong sabi. "At noong nakita mo ang invitation ng kasal nila ni Sean, mas lalo kang nawala sa sarili mo. All you ever think about is her, when I'm already here!"

Dinuro ko pa ang aking sarili, ngunit agad siyang umiwas ng tingin.

I want him to see that I'm already here. That I am not Cassandra. I want him to see Xylia Saavedra. He doesn't need to be scared or afraid; He doesn't need to take cautious in loving; And he doesn't need to cook that fucking omurice ever again.

"It's not that, Xy... I don't." Sabi nalang niya. "H'wag na nating pag-usapan 'yon. I'm sorry." Pag-iiwas niya sa topic.

"Paano natin hindi pag-uusapan kung hanggang ngayon ay apektado ka pa rin?" Mariin kong tanong sa kaniya.

"I am not, Xy." Pabalang niyang sabi at hindi pa rin ibinabalik ang kaniyang tingin sa akin.

Will that be better? Will it be better if he will not face me? I'm scared that if I will take a glimpse of his expressive eyes, I will see the truth that I want to know but at the same time, I want him to conceal to prevent myself from hurting.

Huminga naman ako ng malalim. Bumaba ako sa pagkakaupo sa bar stool at saka isinukbit ang bag ko.

"Let's face it, Brendt!" Tumaas na ang boses ko. "You are still affected. You are still not over her."

Bandang huli ay ako rin ang nagsabi ng mga salitang ayokong marinig sa kaniya. Siguro'y mas maganda ngang malaman nalang ang katotohanan para maagapan ang sakit na maaaring maramdaman.

Nakakainis lang dahil kahit alam ko na ang katotohanan sa sarili ko ay hindi ko siya magawang iwan. Hindi ko magawang umalis muna upang mapakalma ang sarili ko. I hate how I just want to stay by his side all the time.

"Are we really gonna fight about this and make it big?" Tanong niya na binabaliwa ang lahat ng sinabi ko. "I'm tired, Xy. Ilang beses na tayong nagkasamaan ng loob ngayon. H'wag naman na nating palalain."

I mockingly laughed at him as tears began to swell in my eyes.

"Well, pagod na rin ako, Brendt." Mahinahon kong sabi at yumuko ako dahil ayaw tumigil ng mga luha ko sa pagtulo. "Just tell me if you're still not over her 'cause I don't want to look stupid loving you so much when you still love her. I can wait but, please, don't marry me if I'm not the woman you can see your future with. Nakakagago kasi eh."

I didn't bother looking at him anymore and just went off. We need space. He needs it. I'll give him time to think. We don't need to rush. We can just take things slowly.

It's really true that a clear rejection is better than a fake promise.

He could've just rejected me or even my Dad's proposition about our sudden marriage, than to impose himself into something he doesn't want to do.

Yes, I really want him to be my last. I want to marry him. Pero kung hindi buo ang kaniyang desisyon sa akin ay ayokong ipagpilitan ang sarili ko.

"How about this one?" Tinuro ni Daddy design ng isang three-layered cake.

Madaling-madali si Daddy sa pag-aayos ng kasal namin ni Brendt. I wasn't planning to meet him again pero hindi ko alam na may inayos palang ganito si Daddy at talagang dito pa sa unit ko kaya wala akong kawala.

"It's simple but looks delectable." Brendt commented. "That would do."

Si Brendt na ang hinayaan kong magsagot ng mga katanungan ni Daddy. I don't want to involve myself. Might as well just let him decide on everything even though our marriage is still uncertain.

"Okay. I think that's all." Sabi ni Daddy at masayang pumalakpak.

"I'll arrange and organize everything then, Mr. Saavedra." Sabi ng organizer. "Mauna na po ako." Paalam nito at tumango nalang kami saka ito tuluyang umalis.

Bigla namang napangiti ng malaki si daddy. "At last, we're already done!" He said. "All we need to do is to wait for the exact date. I dated it next week."

Nanlaki naman ang aking mga mata. Hindi pa nga kami sigurado ni Brendt ngunit next week na niya kaagad plinano ang aming kasal.

I know he's concerned about me. Nasa isip ni Daddy ay may nangyari na sa aming dalawa ni Brendt at nagkaroon na nga ng anak ngunit hindi lang pinalad pero hindi 'yon basehan!

"Next week?!" Bayolente kong sabi. "Hindi po ba masyadong mabilis?"

"You already know the answer to that, Xylia and I don't want to repeat it all over again." Sabi nalang niya bago tumayo sa kinauupuan. "Well, I need to go home now. Nagpapasama si Madeline sa Tagaytay."

Bahagya naman akong napangiwi sa pagbabanggit niya sa pangalan ni Madeline.

"Thank you po for helping us out." Tumayo si Brendt at nakipagkamay kay Daddy.

"No problem, hijo. Anak ko rin naman ang mapapangasawa mo." Sabi nalang ni Daddy at ngumiti kay Brendt.

Dad kissed me on my head before he finally left.

Hindi ko na sinulyapan si Brendt nang makaalis si Daddy at inayos ko nalang ang mga kalat sa coffee table.

"October 30." He suddenly said. "Sounds a good date to me for our wedding." He added.

Napakagat naman ako sa aking ibabang labi bago sinikop ang mga baso. Hindi nalang ako nagsalita at saka tumayo upang dalin sa lababo ang mga pinag-inuman.

Ramdam ko ang agad niyang pagsunod sa sakin. Paulit-ulit din ang kaniyang pagbubuntong hininga.

"Are you still mad at me?" He asked me.

Humarap naman ako sa kaniya at saka tipid na ngumiti. "No, I'm not." Simpleng sabi ko.

"You're not but your actions say otherwise, Xy." Sabi niya lumapit sa akin.

Napasandal naman ako sa may sink at tinukod niya ang kaniyang mga kamay sa magkabilang gilid ko para makulong ako.

Napalunok ako at umiwas ng tingin sa kaniyang mapanganib na mga mata.

"I'm just giving you time to think about everything, Brendt. I'm not mad." sabi ko dito. "You don't have to marry me next week if you still love her. I can wait."

"I don't love her anymore, okay?" Punong-puno ng pagsuyo ang kaniyang boses habang hinahanap ang mata ko. "I'm here right now because I chose you. Ikaw ang papakasalan ko. Ikaw ang pinili ko. Ikaw ang mahal ko."

"Of course, you would choose me." Sabi ko nalang at saka humarap sa kaniya. "Why would you choose her? She's already married. Syempre doon ka na sa siguradong mamahalin ka pabalik."

Napaawang ang kaniyang bibig sa aking sinabi. His stare softened. Unti-unti niyang ibinaba ang kaniyang kamay at lumayo sa akin.

"Is that what you think of me, Xy?" He asked me while his eyebrows furrowed. "Tingin mo ikaw pinili ko dahil alam kong wala na akong pag-asa kay Sandra?"

Ginantihan ko siya ng titig. "Bakit?" Tinaas ko ang aking kilay. "Hindi ba?"

I just need to face the reality to lessen the pain that I'm feeling.

"Yes, she left me and chose Sean." He said. "But I also let go of her. Pinakawalan ko siya without any grudges. I know letting go of her is the right thing to do. Tanggap ko 'yon kahit masakit para sa akin. I understand that she is not for me and she belongs to someone else. Hindi ko na iniisip pang pwede pang maging kami, Xylia. Matagal ko nang natanggap na hindi."

"And now I've risked everything just to love you. I chose to agree marrying you not because of your father but because I want to." He explained. "Xylia, you taught me how to love again and that means so much to me. Iyon palang ay may sinasabi na. I may look uncertain at some times but please don't doubt my feelings for you."