Chapter 10
Contract

Unti-unting namulat ang aking mga mata at bumungad sa akin si Brendt na katabi ko't mahimbing na natutulog.

After what we did inside his car, we didn't have enough kaya tinuloy namin ang maiinit na pangyayari sa kaniyang condo. I can still remember every move we make.

I bit my lower lip trying to stop myself from smiling with a thought of waking up beside him every morning of my life.

I was concious and I was very of what we did. I can't believe that I gave him my first. Binali ko ang pangako ko sa aking sarili na hindi ko 'yon gagawin hanggang sa kinasal na ako.

I wasn't even regretting my decision on letting him wreck my virginity. Instead, I'm happy and I don't even know why.

Girls like me who values their feminity so much should be crying out loud or even thinking about being suicidal for losing their most valuable possession. But, I'm not. Nakukuha ko pang ngumiti kahit wala na sa akin ang pinakainiingat-ingatan ko at kahit napakasakit ng pribadong parte ng katawan ko.

"Nababaliw na ata ako..." I uttered, whispering as I traced his face with my delicate fingers.

Kahit natutulog ay ang napakagwapo siya. Palaisipan pa rin sa akin kung bakit siya pinakawalan ni Cassandra.

What's with that Sean Sarmiento that Brendt hasn't?

But I can't blame Cassandra though. Sean's her husband. She really had to choose him. Plus, they have a daughter.

Nang maramdaman ko ang pagkislot ni Brendt ay agad kong binawi ang aking kamay.

He slowly opened his eyes. Napaawang ang kaniyang bibig nang makita akong bumungad sa kaniyang umaga. Don't know if he's awed by my morning face or horrified though.

I smiled and was about to greet him a good morning when he suddenly got up on our bed. Doon palang ay agad na akong ginapangan ng kaba.

Don't tell me...

Does he regret everything that happened last night?

"Brendt, what's wrong?" naguguluhan kong tanong sa kaniya.

Napaupo na rin ako sa kama habang tinatakpan ng kumot ang sarili at nakatingin sa kaniyang sinusuot na ang kaniyang mga damit.

"I will go for a while." he said. "You can take your time cleaning yourself. Pagkatapos ay umalis ka na dito sa condo. Hopefully when I'm back, you're not here anymore."

And with those words, my tears started to form inside my eyes. Regret suddenly creeped into my mind.

"You told me that you won't leave me, Brendt. Sinabi mo 'yon sakin kagabi. Sabi mo you will be here for me." paalala ko sa kaniya.

Nilingon niya naman ako. I can see that frustration is very evident in his look. Nagpapatunay lang ito na talagang ayaw niya ang nangyari sa aming dalawa at pinagsisisihan niyang nagalaw niya ako.

"Nadala lang ako kagabi..." he reasoned out. "It was out of the pity I felt for you. Iyon lang 'yon. Now I can see reasons that we shouldn't have done that. At alam kong ikaw rin. I know you don't want this."

"I don't regret anything that happened to us last night, Brendt..." I told him the truth. "I can't see any problem. We both did it with our own will. Wala namang nagpumilit sa atin. We both enjoyed it! I did!"

"There is a problem, Xylia!" he exclaimed. "We fucked! We had a damn sex and that's the fucking problem!"

"Well, it's not a problem for me. I'm perfectly fine with it." sinubukan kong kalmahan ang aking sarili at hindi na pinantayan ang pag-aalburoto niya.

Baka sakaling mas mapakinggan at mas maintindihan niya ako kung magiging kalmado lamang ang pananalita ko.

"I wouldnt mind giving away my first if it's with you." I said.

Pumikit siya ng mariin at huminga ng malalim. "I'm sorry, Xylia..." he uttered an apology.

Umiling naman ako. "You don't have to be sorry." malambing kong sabi. "I told you that I'm fine with it."

Nag-angat ulit siya ng tingin sa akin at ngayo'y nawala na ang lahat ng emosyon na ipinapakita niya.

"But I'm not fine with it." he said. "I'm the one who's regretting what we did and I'm sorry for that. Let's just forget that this happened. I'm sorry."

Lumabas siya sa kwarto ngunit agad ko naman siyang sinundan. I can't just let him regret what we did. Hindi dapat siya nagsisisi. Hindi dapat.

"Brednt, please. Take back your words please..." I almost cried pleading him while grabbing his arm.

"Xylia, please!" sigaw niya at napalakas ang pagbawi niya sa kaniyang braso.

Dahil wala akong masiyadong lakas sa aking hita, binti at tuhod ay agad akong napaupo sa carpeted floor ng kaniyang condo.

I saw his eyes slightly widened up as his lips parted ngunit agad iyon napalitan ng malalamig na titig.

"Just act like nothing happened." he calmly said.

How can I act like nothing happened? Maibabalik ba ng pag-aarte at pagpapanggap na 'yon ang nawala sa akin? Will it close and keep my hymen intact again? Will it bring back the dignity that I lost?

My tears started to rush down, falling on both of my cheeks. This time, I can really say that I already lost everything that I have.

"Let's just forget about this." he stated. "Let's just forget about everything and just keep our formal relationship. I'm your boss and you're my employee. Let's just stay that way. Ganoon naman dapat."

Hindi ko alam kung bakit kahit napakarahan ng pagkakasabi niya ay mas masakit itong tumatama sa puso ko.

Bumuntong hininga naman siya at tinukod ang isang tuhod sa aking harapan. He was about to wipe my tears away when I dodged his hand and moved my face away from his touch.

Pinalis ko ang sarili kong luha at saka huminga ng malalim bago nakangiting nag-angat ng tingin kay Brendt.

"Thanks for everything then." sabi ko naman. "Oh, Sir Stewart! Nandito na po pala kayo."

Nagsikap akong tumayo habang yakap-yakap ko ang sarili ko gamit ang kaniyang comforter.

Tinignan ko si Brendt na ngayo'y nakakunot ang noo dahil sa aking sinabi.

"Pasensya na po sa abala ha? Mag-aayos lang po ako sandali doon sa kwarto niyo pagkatapos ay uuwi na po agad." sabi ko naman. "Sana rin po payagan niyo po akong umabsent ngayong araw dahil masama po ang pakiramdam ko. Bukas na bukas, babalik po agad ako sa trabaho. Maraming salamat po."

Ginawaran ko ulit siya ng isang ngiti bago patakbong tumungo sa kaniyang kwarto.

Madaling-madali ako sa pag-aayos ng aking sarili. I only took shower for five minutes, I guess.

I grabbed my bag and it was a good thing that I brought a spare of pantie dahil malapit na rin ang time of the month ko. Just to be sure.

I just wore my brassiere again since I have no extra bra. I'm just going to wash myself again once I'm home.

I wore a simple make-up and just kept my hair damped. I went out of Brendt's room and I felt the coldness of his serene unit. He really left.

Kailangan ko na sigurong magmadaling umalis dahil ayaw niya naman akong maabutan pang nandito.

I got a sticky note pad on my bag and wrote to thank him for being kind. He accomodated me and let me clean myself even though he doesn't want me here as soon as possible.

I lazily rested my back on the wall while waiting for the elevator to arrive on my current floor.

Nang tumunog ito at nakita ko ang numero ng palapag ay agad akong umayos ng pagkakatayo upang ihanda ang sarili sa pagsakay.

A smiling Tiffany welcomed me as soon as the elevator doors opened. She stepped out of the elevator and when her eyes met mine, her smile dropped and her lips parted because of surprise.

"Xylia..." she still managed to say my name. "What... What are you doing here?" her forehead creased.

I smirked at her and crossed my arms. "None of your business."

Papasok na sana ako sa elevator nang hinawakan niya ang aking braso upang pigilan. Tinignan ko naman ang nag-ooperate ng elevator at nakahawak pa rin siya sa button upang pigilan ito sa pagsara.

"Did you come here to see Brendt as well or..." pinasadahan niya ng tingin ang aking suot nang may napagtanto siya. "You're still wearing the same dress you wore yesterday."

Marahas kong tinanggal ang pagkakahawak niya sa aking braso. "I told you. It's none of your business." mariin kong sabi bago sumakay sa elevator.

Whatever she's thinking right now, I don't care anymore. Whatever her relationship is to Brendt, bahala na silang dalawa doon.

Nang makarating ako sa aking unit ay agad kong itinapon ang aking sarili sa aking malambot at malaking kama.

"Saan ka ba nanggaling ha?" nag-aalalang sabi ni Selena nang sinundan niya ako patungo sa aking kwrto at hawak-hawak ng mahigpit ang kaniyang cellphone.

"Pasensya na. My phone's battery is dead. Hindi ako nakapagtext or nakatawag." dahilan ko naman. "Doon ako natulog sa hotel malapit sa pinag-ganapan ng reception. I got so drunk so..." I lied.

"Do you want to talk about what happened yesterday?" Selena asked me, full of concern. "Alam mo namang nandito lang ako para makinig, Xy."

Gumapang ako sa aking kama hanggang sa naabot na ng aking ulo ang unan at agad isinubsob ang aking mukha doon.

"I just want to rest first. I'm so tired." sabi ko nalang.

Rinig ko ang pagbubuntong hininga ni Selena. "Ako na ang magluluto ng kakainin natin." sabi niya. "Just rest. Gigisingin kita kapag tapos na akong magluto para makakain ka na."

Tumango naman ako. Muli siyang bumuntong hininga bago lumabas ng aking kwarto at kasabay nito ang muling pagtulo ng aking luha na agad sinalo ng aking unan.

Even though I tried to deny that I'm falling for Brendt, I also know that I'm lying to myself. Through a short period of time that I've known him, he already managed to bring back my heart to a whole state that was shattered into pieces before. But now... it's breaking again.

I think my heart's destined to be broken and my eyes are destined to cry.

Maybe there's no such thing like forever or happily ever after in my life. Maybe I'm the girl whom the cupid never noticed. Maybe I'm invisible to him.

This is why I hate falling in love. This is why I'm keeping myself away from this kind of things. But what can I do, I already fell for the trap and I don't know how to get through it.

"You should've woke me up right after you cooked. Anong oras na oh?" tingin ko sa wall clock dito sa kusina dahil mag-aalas-sais na ng gabi.

"I know you're very tired. Not just physically but also emotionally. Tsaka, napakahimbing din ng pagtulog mo. Paano kita magigising ng ganon ang lagay mo diba?" sabi naman ni Selena.

Nginitian ko naman siya at saka kumuha na ng aking pagkain. Marunong namang magluto si Selena but she still has a lot to learn. Now that she's going to become a mother, dapat ay mas matuto siya tungkol sa pagluluto.

"Are you really just going to eat there without telling me what happened yesterday?" nagtatampo namang sabi ni Selena. "Gusto ko sanang hayaan na ikaw mismo ang magsabi sa akin pero dahil mukhang wala kang balak sabihin ay pipilitin na kita. I want to help you and make you smile kahit papaano pero kung itatago mo sa akin ang nangyari ay hindi ko alam kung paano kita tutulungan."

Napatigil naman ako sa pagkain. Ngumiti ako kahit na kitang-kita naman sa aking itsura na hindi ako masaya.

"Sanay na ako sa relasyon ni Daddy at Madeline. Pero iba pa rin talaga kapag nakita mong talagang pinakasalan niya na ang babaeng pinalit niya kay Mommy." sabi ko naman. "But that's not it, Sels. Hindi lang 'yon. Kaya ko pang kalimutan ang nangyari kay Daddy at Madeline pero ang nangyari samin ni Brendt..."

I saw Selena's eyes widened with surprise but she never spoke and just let me continue.

"He regretted what happened. And you know what's funny? Ako na nga ang nawalan ng virginity pero siya pa ang nagsisi. Nakakahiya..." I sarcastically laughed.

"Xy..." marahang pagtawag sa akin ni Selena upang kahit papaano'y makalma ako.

"He's my first, Sels!" I cried out. "Sinabi niya mismo sa harapan ko na hindi siya okay sa nangyari saming dalawa. Na pinagsisisihan niya ang ginawa namin. Na nadala lang siya sa kaniyang emosyon nang sinabi niyang lagi lang siya sa tabi ko. Putangina niya. Maybe that's why Cassandra didn't choose him before. Gago kasi siya at walang paninindigan! Tangina niya."

Napabuntong hininga naman si Selena at saka tumayo upang lumapit sa akin. I shouldn't have told her all my worries. Baka pati siya ay maapektuhan dahil sa mga problema ko.

Selena's more on a silent type. Kapag may problema ka ay makikinig lang siya sa'yo, she'll let your tears flow and flow until nothing's left bago ka niya tanungin at bigyan ng advice. She's really an opposite of Deia who blatters everything inside her head but that makes them both perfect as my friend. It's well balanced.

"What are you planning to do?" tanong sa akin ni Selena habang nakatigin lang ako sa kawalan at sumusubo ng pagkain.

Nilunok ko naman ang aking kinakain bago siya sinagot.

"I'll just wait for my contract to end tapos ay tatanggapin ko na ang alok ni Daddy sa kompanya." I answered. "Siguro nga'y dun talaga ang bagsak ko."

"Ilang buwan ba ang napirmahan mo?" she curiously asked.

"Two months." I simply answered. "Tinitignan pa rin nila ang performance ko kaya two months lang ang binigay nilang offer sa akin. Ganoon din sa mga bagong empleyado. Ang sabi nila, they will offer an extension once they find my perfomance well." pag-eexplain ko.

"You still have a lot of days left for your contract to end." sabi naman ni Selena. "Can you still stay there for those days left?"

"Of course, I can. I can be professional if I want to, Sels. Or if I don't want to be professional, pwede namang mag-absent nalang ako palagi." sabi ko. "There'll be no disadvantage since I'm really planning to leave their company. Wala lang sa akin kung hindi ma-extend ang contract ko at hindi maging permanent employee."

"But there's only twenty days left." aniya at napatingin ako sa kaniya.

They are still counting?

"Binibilang niyo parin?" napakunot ang noo ko. "I already gave Deia the money. Tapos na ang deal!"

"You must've forgotten that Deia left it inside your drawer and yes, we're still counting." she said.

"Ayoko na nga! Hindi ko na nga kaya!" hindi ko na napigilan ang pagsasabog ng aking damdamin.

It all started because of that freakin' stupid deal! Kung wala ang deal na 'yan ay hindi mangyayari ang lahat ng ito.

"I already lost, okay? I just can't do it anymore kaya huwag niyo naman na akong pilitin." I almost begged Selena. "Tama na, please. Let's end everything."

Padarag kong binaba ang kubyertos saka tumayo sa aking kinauupuan. Nawalan na ako ng ganang kumain.

"You didn't lose, Xy." she said when I stood up. "You gave up. Magkaiba yun." she stated.

Tumayo rin siya at saka hinawakan ang aking balikat.

"When you lose, you tried and did everything you can but still, you ended up not getting what you want." she explained. "But when you give up, hindi mo pa nga nagagawa ang lahat pero sumuko ka na kaya at sinasabi mong hindi mo kaya, kaya hindi mo nakuha ang gusto mong makuha o makamit."

Selena sighed and let go of my shoulder.

"In your case, you gave up, Xy." she said. "Hindi ka natalo. Sumuko ka."