A Monster Masked With Beauty

I knew things aren't always going the way I want them too. And sleeping for three whole moths is a great example of it. Why did I fall in such a deep slumber? My body should at least feel weak and tired, but no, I was feeling stronger than ever. I didn't expect my hair to grow this long as well, having it shorter is better. But I'm not going to cut it this time.

"So you're saying you came here to personally see me?" I said after these two Spirit Keepers kept giving me riddles. "Ano naman ang kailangan niyo sa akin?"

"Kailangan mo nang balumalik, Ke'ala." Wika ni ni Julius.

"Your presence is greatly needed this time around." I frowned at what Lunox said.

I sat back on the bed as Julius kept walking back to back in front of me. As for Lunox, she was sitting comfortably on the couch. Kanina pa lumabas si Denaricus para hayaan kaming makapag-usap. These Keepers must be really susprised nung una nilang nakita si Denaricus.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Dark energy is spreading, Ke'ala." I smiled, bitterly so.

"And why would it concern me? Alam kong masisira ang mundo dahil sa masamang enerhiya na ito, but why would my presence be greatly needed this time around?"

"Do you still remember Etherion?"

"Who would forget your crazy plan of activating a tower to open up a portal to absorb our world's energy?" She chuckled, and it was a menacing one.

"Don't you still get it at this point?" I frowned. Ano ba ang akala niya sa akin? Some kind of a God? I just woke up from a three-month slumber and she expects me to think thoroughly?

"Cut to the point, Lunox." She sighed at tumingin kay Julius.

"Dear, ganito kasi yun." He said with his usual playful tone tsaka lumapit sa akin at hinawakan ang magkabilang balikat ko. "You need to activate the Etherion if you want to save multiple worlds."

"Are you...telling me to get myself killed activating something that needs millions of people's energy?"

"You've been gone for too long, Ke'ala. So it's only natural you don't know how serious this is." Wika ni Lunox. Kinuha ko ang mga kamay ni Julius sa balikat ko and crossed my arms.

"Why me?" There was that long silence after that question and I don't know if they just didn't want to tell me the reason or they just didn't know at all. "There are hundreds of Cursed Bloods out there, I'm not the only one who can absorb energy. Secondly, I'm not going to kill myelf for a world which has done nothing for—"

"Do you really think so?"

"Which do you mean? The first or the second one?"

"Both." I sighed.

"I don't know."

"We wouldn't find you for months if we knew there's someone out there who can replace you." Tumayo siya at sumeryoso ang mukha habang nakatingin sa akin. "Plus, do you really think we'll just let you die after activating Etherion? The problem here is you can't die by simple means."

"Oh so activating Etherion is a simple thing." I countered what Lunox said.

Napa-facepalm si Julius sa aming dalawa. Well it's inly natural that we're always arguing like this for the last time we part didn't really earn us a good chance to start a friendship like how I parted with Julius when we were back in the Spirit Land.

"Gosh, you two are making things more complicated. Sigurado akong napapagod lang si Ke'ala dahil kakagising nga lang niya. Lunox, we're going back tomorrow."

"We can't let this delay on further, Julius."

"We will return and continue this discussion tomorrow—"

"She has to know."

"Tulad nga ng sinabi ko—"

"Know what?" I interrupted them both. What have been missing here exactly?

"The New World Order is taking place, Ke'ala." I kept quiet to let Lunox continue. "The Black Clan has sided with the West Mages Association."

"Why would blacks side with those witches and wixards?" Nagtataka kong tanong.

"Humanity believes in the New World Order. They believe in a world where there is no irregulars to ruin the balance of the world."

"While Exodus believes in an another version of a New World Order. Funny how they believe creating a world for irregulars is the only balance the world needs for it not be destroyed." Dagdag naman ni Julius.

"A war is happening, Ke'ala." Sabi ni Lunox.

"A war always happens in that chaotic world."

"You're refusing to understand!" Sigaw niya kaya napatakip nalang ako ng mga tenga ko.

"I had enough of this Lunox! Leave."

"How dare you—"

"Lunox, hayaan nalang natin siya. Babalik tayo bukas."

"Julius..." I can feel so much annoyance coming from her but she was right, I was refusing to understand. She sighed in understanding just before she glared at me one last time. "I'll give you time to think, but mark my words. You will come running to us after your real level of intelligence returns."

Is she mocking me?! If she is, then it's on. I'm not going to tolerate this any further. They came here telling me that my original world is starting to crumble, wars happening everywhere, dark energy spreading, and what?!

They want me to activate Etherion to save multiple worlds na madadamay?! Damn them! I wasn't born to be a sacrifical pawn! I'm not going to risk my own survival up until now for something I'm not even sure if I'm getting alive out of.

Binaba ko ang mga kamay ko at nagpalabas ng scythe. Ganoon din ang ginawa ni Lunox, nagpalabas siya ng dalawang espada na hinahawakan niya ngayon sa magkabilang kamay niya. I can feel my eyes glowing in pale blue as mine reflected on her same-glowing eyes.

"Enough!" Sigaw ni Julius sabay palabas ng staff niya at tinama ito sa lupa.

This action brough shiver down my spine and I hated how he was capable of making me feel so intimidated. I sighed once more and made my weapon disappear. Tsaka ako bumalik sa kama ko at humiga dito. I was feeling fine just earlier and now I'm beginning to et tired and exhausted. Just what in the world is really happening?

"Just...just let me think." I said and covered my face with my hand. Naramdaman ko ang dahan-dahang pag-alis nila at matapos ang ilan oang sandali ay tuluyan nang sumara ang pintuan.

"A world which has done nothing for me huh?" I know deep down that was a lie.

The world may be cruel, but it wasn't always that way for there were a lot of times that it was fairly good. But now that I think of it, despite how chaotic it may appear or worse it might become, there are always going to be those kind of people who would still think it's beautiful.

And I wonder why they still think of such. That feeling when they have already experienced a lot of hell in their entire lives yet they still see the world as something magnificent, something...pretty. Why is that? Gusto kong malaman ang sagot. And I want to see it for myself.

People knew that in some time the world will somehow fall and after several years, dynasties, empires, kingdoms, will be built again and there history will be rewritten once more. It's funny how they thrive to pursue their individual ideals on how the world should be when in fact, the world was created to hold those ideals not for the world to be a certain fruit of an ideal itself.

Of course it's complicated, everything is. And now they're relying on me to activate Etherion. I'm not a God, hindi ako ganoo ka kapangyarihan tulad ng inaasahan nila. I can't wven use my magic that well myself. Nabuo ang tower na iyon kapalit ng ilang milyong sakripisyo para lang mapunta sa Etherion ang enerhiya. But even a million of their energy isn't enough to activate it. How am I suppose to do it?

Ayaw kong dumepende sa ibang tao pero...ayaw ko din namang mapag-isa. I didn't want to admit how I sometimes feel lonely because no can understand me, but now I do. Does that mean I'm a little bit stronger now that I'm able to admit my weakness? Still, I don't want to be weak but I don't want to be strong either.

Dahil tulad ng sinabi ko noon kay Denericus, people around me starts to leave when I'm stronger than them, then they start to underestimate me when I'm weaker. Ang gulo, naiintindihan ko naman kung bakit dahil ganoon lang talaga ang mga tao, ayaw nilang may humihigit sa kanila. But it's a little sad knowing I can understand them when they don't even try to when it comes to me.

I sighed and stood up. Lumakad ako sa may fridge sa dulo at tsaka ito binuksan. Kunuha ako ng isang bote ng malamig na tubig at mabilis itong ininom. Kanina pa ako inuuhaw but they chose to enlighten me first, of course my mind isn't straight enough to exactly process what they're saying. Not to mention I'm even hungry, kaya kinuha ko narin ang isang mansanas at kinain ito.

Matapos ang ilang minutong pagpupuno ko ng pagkain sa tiyan ko, humarap ulit ako sa salamin at sinuri ang sarili ko. It's annoying but I can't stop staring at myself. It wasn't on my plan to become this beautiful, even more so that my eyes are glistening every time the sunlights reflects on them. Now, I'm not becoming a narcissist. It's just the look on my eyes bother me a lot.

I feel like I'm looking at another version of myself, drowning, begging to be freed, wishing for me to end everything fast. Why am I in such a hurry? I'm feeling anxious, and the looks I'm giving screams of anguish...an unbearable one. Pakiramdam ko sobra akong nasaktan sa punto na gusto ko nang tapusin ang lahat.

Hinawakan ko ang dibdib ko para maramdaman ang tibok ng puso ko. It's beating but at the same time it feels like it isn't. I feel emotions, I have them, but why do I feel so empty? Hah...ano ba talaga ang nangyayari sa'yo Ke'ala? Sa sobrang gulo ng lahat parang gusto ko nalang na burahin ang sarili kong mga emosyon—

"Endure it."

I stopped. My hand reached up to my head, it was throbbing, almost as though reminding me so something. I sighed and looked away. I have no time for this. I need to decide what course of action I'll take as soon as possible. Now let's start thinking, Ke'ala. First there's that New World Order. What is it? It's an ideology, a new era where no irregulars should exist in order for the world to continue living, one with balance.

Pero base naman sa New World Order ng Exodus, naniniwala silang mga irregulars lang dapat ang mabuhay sa mundo. If I think about it, half of the world is probably filled with irregulars, those with unnatural power surging within them that may destroy the balance of the world. Sa pagkakataong ito, ay hindi naman mali ang Exodus. Imagine a world where all strong people live, they won't have to wory about balance at all.

But what's happening right now is a war. Lunox said the Black Clan sided with West Mages Association, and the question is, saan naman kumakampi ang Association? Those magicians don't really come out of their hiding, the last time I encountered them was when they were trying to take me. If it's the Association, most likely tungkol na naman ito sa relics.

Pero ano naman ang kinalaman ng mga relics sa New World Order na pinag-aawayan ng dalawang grupo? And if the Black Clan is with them, ibig bang sabihin suportado din sila ng Council? Since basically, the Head of the Council runs that clan. Saan naman nabibilang sa imahe ang Academy? Where do they side? Or they side with the first version of New World Order kung saan walang irregulars ang dapat sa mundo, but if they do that, it would mean disregarding the fact that some of their students are irregulars.

Hindi lang Magnus ang pinag-uusapan ko dito, pati ang Academy for magicians sa East, sa paaralan ng mga assassins sa West, at ang Academy din sa South for Alchemists. Maraming irregulars sa mundong ito, specifically on each schools. If this war broke out, pati din ang mga paaralan maaapektohan. It might lead to another Great War and just thinking about it...

It excites for whatever reason.

Now I see why Lunox say this is too important for me to just disregard. This is such a huge deal that I need to activate the Etherion for it to absorb the dark energy surrounding our world, because Etherion filters the dark energy and make it a pure one, it's an ancient technology after all. Pero kung gagawin ko ito, hindi parin naman titigil ang away dahil tiyak na sa ilang daang taon na lilipas ay mangyayari na naman ang ganitong sitwasyon.

And this has to stop within this generation, that's what those Spirit Keepers are trying to tell me. Our world is too oblivious that they have to interefere themselves before they ruin everything. I really need to go back. Pero ano naman ang gagawin ko para matigil na ang laban—

Where will Cursed Bloods side this time? Last time they sided with normal humans to save the world pero ginamit lang pala sila and in the end, our races declined greatly, maraming buhay ang nawala. Kung malaman man nila ang New World Order, hindi na ako magtataka na kakampihan nila ang Exodus, and I don't want my race to go through hell again. I have to make sure they stay out of this.

In other words I need to get back to Arizole as well. But going back there is a bit perplexing. I don't have the confidence to simply return after leaving for how long now. Pero hindi din namang pwedeng hayaan ko lang sila, we're the same race after all. What one does affects the whole group.

Tumayo ako dahil may naramdaman akong papasok sa pintuan. Hindi ko inaasahan na magiging si Allean, isa sa mga researchers nila dito. Ngumiti siya sa akin sabay ayos ng salamin niya, may tinaas din siyang isang plastic na base sa amoy nito ay pagkain.

"I got you some food from the big red bee." Wika nito at nilagay ang dala niya sa lamesa.

"Big red bee?" Nap-facepalm siya ng mukha.

"Nakalimutan ko, you don't know who bee guy is. Well it's Jollibee."

"Who the hell is Jollibee?" She laughed.

"He's a big dangerous half-man and half-bee who lures people in with his food." I decided to ignore her realizing she's playing with me. "The doctors said you can't eat somehing heavy at first dahil kakagising mo palang at bakamabigoa ang katawan mo. Kaya dinalhan kita ng strawberry-flavoured fries tsaka cheeseburger." I know I just ate but I couldn't stop myself from actually eating an actual meal.

"I must say, your food here tastes a lot better." I complimented as I but from the burger.

"Now eat while I explain what exactly is going on inside your body." May kinuha siyang isang teknolohiya na kasing-laki ng isang libro and it has a touchable screen, mula sa dala-dala niyang bag. And I'm not stupid enough not to know blood is flowing inside my body, but I guess she must mean another.

"What do you mean?" May pinindot muna siya na kung ano bago muling magsalita.

"Before the incident three months ago, your body was somehow normal. Walang mana sa mundong ito but a different kind of energy that doesn't work well with your body kaya nanghihina ang nga taong katulad niyong napunta dito sa mundo namin." She paused and took one fries then eat it. It annoyed me dahil hindi niya ako dinedrecho.

"So you're saying I'm not normal now?" She nodded vigorously.

"And it is strange. Somehow, over the past three months that you've been unconscious, your body was slowly evolving, adapting." Hinarap niya sa akin ang hawak niya at nagpapakita dito ang mga impormasyon tungkol sa enerhiya sa katawan ko. "This tablet shows your growth while you're being a sleeping beauty."

I couldn't prevent myself not to be surprised by what I'm currently reading. Pinapakita nito na sa tatlong buwan na tulog ako, umiba ang daloy ng enerhiya sa katawan ko. What I mean is that, somehow I am able to absorb different kinds of energy, mana or not, excess or pure, and that also means that...

"I can absorb dark enegy as well." It was statement not a question but she nodded as a confirmation. Binalik ko sa kaniya ang tablet na sinasabi niya tsaka ko kinuha ang isang bote ng tubig na iniinom ko kanina.

"But you don't have to worry about breaking dahil nakahalo ang masamang enerhiya diyan sa katawan mo. Because like I said, your body slowly adapted to the changes your surroundings made as an effect. So for others, they might die when they have dark energy inside their body but for you, it's completely normal like a natural process. Can you tell me your ability again?"

"I can feel emotions around me, as well as absorb—"

"Their energies, now I know why your body became like that." She beamed with a smile that of interest. "You're special, I haven't met nay specimens like you before. Why don't you just stay and let me study you further? Lalo na at alam na nating hindi ka mamamatay dito."

"No, I'm not staying." I sighed. "Does Denaricus have the same case as mine? Hindi ba at twenty years na siyang nandito?"

"Mr. Denaricus is a different case, Keila. That man takes medications that can numb the pain, but once he starts giving in to that unbearable pain, he will break." Umupo siya sa couch. "It's amazing how he's still alive after all that." I scoffed.

"That man's just obsessed with living so much that he's willing to go to such lengths." Naubos ko na ang burger ko kaya ang fries naman ngayon ang kinakain ko.

"And you aren't?" She asked with her chin resting on her hand, her legs crossed. I looked away hoping to avoid her curiousity. Pero dahil nga mas lumakas ang pakikiramdam ko ngayon, hindi ko magawang hindi pansinin siya.

"I'm not obsessed with living, though I very much would prefer death."

"Hmm? Death huh? May I ask why?"

"You're already asking."

"Then?"

"In death...there's just silence."

"You won't even feel how defeaning it is if you're already dead." That's exactly the point.

"It depends on one's feelings of satisfaction, don't you think?" She shrugged.

"Fair enough." Napabuntong-hininga siya at tumayo. "Shall we go for a walk?"

Hindi na ako sumagot pa at sinundan nalang siyang lumabas ng kwarto. I really dislike the smell the hospital gives off, plus the emotions around are all dynimcs, deep, constantly changing...but mostly gloomy. They all have this same feeling of desperation that creeps through inside me and that itself isn't comforting enough.

Every hallways I turn, every sound I hear, every chatters that break in, there were emotions blended among them, among the air. Kung ano ang nararamdaman nila ay ganoon din ang nararamdman ko because of my ability, but over time I have learned how to control my own emotions so I don't get confused between what's mine and not.

Pansin ko din ang mga matang nakatingin sa amin habang naglalakad kami. I realized they were exactly looking at me. Hindi ko na lamang sila binigyan ng pansin at hindi nagtagal ay nakarating kami ni Allean sa may garden. Umupo siya sa may bench habang ako naman ay naglakad-lakad sa paligid.

Different kinds of flowers were blooming, their scents were alluring as well, something that gave me a pleasant feeling. They were some people around but overall, there was this dominating and comforting silence wrapped around the place's atmosphere. On the corner of my eyes though, I saw Allean took out a stick of cigarette and placed it between her lips.

"You smoke?" She asked while lighting it.

"I heard it kills you."

"So that's a no, huh?" Napabuntong-hininga siya at sumandal sa sandalan ng inuupuan niya. "Sobrang nagpapasalamat sa'yo ang agency na medyo kumalma narin ang masamang enerhiya dito. You're one of a kind."

"Am I now?" I met her gaze when I asked that. I wonder why they all see me as some kind of a special being. I didn't feel like one.

"You draw people in." Those lines were familiar. "I wonder if it's about the gloomy aura around you."

"Gloomy?"

"Wala nga akong ability tulad mo pero kahit sino ay makakahalata sa paraan ng pagtingin mo." She answered blowing the air out of her mouth along with the smoke.

I just gave her a weak smile and returned to the flowers in front of me. Gloomy huh? Bakit ngaba? There are different reasons why poeple are drawn to me, they say I am special, but little do they know how those words are killing me deep inside. It's a sickening feeling because they were able to see a part of myself that I couldn't.

"If I was a normal person, I'd want to stay here."

"Are you scared?"

"I am. I'm scared of actually returning at this point without knowing what awaits me there."

"That's the point of life, you unlock what you don't know."

"There's one thing I'm certain though." I sighed and crouched lower to the grasses, touching the budding flowers. "I'm certain of my death."

"You don't fear it?"

"I don't know. It's a terrible feeling, really. Hindi ko alam kung matatakot ba ako o matutuwa. Hindi ko alam kung matatanggap ko ba ito o hindi. Hindi ko maintindihan kung gusto ko ba talagang mamatay o mabuhay. A part of me wants to live, but there's this side of me that's tired now."

"If you're that exhausted of living, then just live your life like you're dying. It might be worth it when you exhale your last breath."

"I have always lived like I'm dying, because I always felt like it."

"You're still a child, Keila. Marami pa ang pwede mong magawa sa buhay. It's fine being scared because that's a humanely instinct, it's a proof that you're a human."

"Can you still say that when you learn a little of me?" I turned around seeing her smile. "I killed people you know, innocent ones...children, elders...people hate me for it. I'm apparently a monster." Her smile didn't even fade when I said that. She's one tough woman.

"The monster I see now is a scaredy-cat though. The monster I'm facing right now can't even decide the way she'd live her life. The monster I see right now is apparently weak." I closed my eyes and sighed. I don't even feel angry when I was called weak. Perhaps I accepted it. "But that same monster is beautiful though."

Agad akong napatingin pabalik sa kaniyabat tumawa lang siya. Lumapit siya sa akin at ginulo ng kaonti ang buhok ko, her long lab cloth swaying behind her, her glasses threatening to fall but didn't even bother fixing it.

"How?" Hindi ko maiwasang tanong.

"A person with so much uncertainity is what makes them beautiful." She crossed her arms exhaling another batch of smoke. "People have different perspective, Keila. They see another people different from the way other people see them."

Tumayo na ako at sinundan ang tingin niya. There were two kids playing around the tree at a certain distance. The other boy was wearing the same clothing as mine habang ang isa namang batang babae ay parang bumibisita lang. I felt emotions radiating from them.

"Ano ang nararamdaman nila?" Tanong niya sa akin.

"Joy." I said referring to their haloy faces. "And pain." I added, referring to the emotions hidden behind.

"You see? A happy face doesn't always mean the way it is. Sometimes it serves as a mask to hide something deep within." She pointed her finger at the running boy. "He's dying. He's on the verge of death but he's living like he isn't. That's beauty itself, don't you think?"

"A deceiving one." She nodded.

Tahimik lang kaming nagmamasid sa paligid matapos ang usapang iyon. Hanggang sa natumba nalang ang batang lalaki, ramdam ko naman na nataranta ang batang babae at sumisigaw ng tulong. Tinignan ko si Allean na lumakad sa direksyon nila. I just shook my head and followed her.

"Anong nangyari?" Kalmadong tanong niya sa bata.

"H-hindi ko p-po alam...n-natumba nalang..." hindi niya niya pinatapos ang sasabihin niya dahil nakita naman namin ito at tsaka, umiiyak na siya.

Hindi ko nga rin alam kung bakit pa tinanong ni Allean as she checked the boy's pulse. The boy was still feeling emotions, agony, but he didn't want to end it. Nakahawak lang siya s akamy ng batang babae. Hindi ko alam kung bakit parang sumakit ang ulo ko makita nila. It's weird. He's feeling pain yet he didn't want to end it. It's like he would rather suffer than to leave.

"He'a dying." Straightforward na sabi ni Allean. She didn't even sugarcoat her words kaya mas umiyak ng malakas ang batang babae. "Humihina ang na ang pulso niya. He can't be saved this—"

"Are you always like that?" Tanong ko sa kaniya. May kinuha siya sa bulsa niya na tinatawag nilang cellphone.

"What? I rather be blunt than give them false hopes." Ibinalik ko nalang ang tingin ko sa babae.

"Ano ang gusto mong gawin?" Tanong ko dito.

"A-ayaw ko siyang mamatay."

"But people die." She glared at me and that amuse me for a second there.

"P-pero ayaw ko siyang mawala ng ganito kabilis. H-hindi ko kakayanin." I don't know but seeing their emotions intrigued me.

"So you're saying it's about time huh?" Mahinang bulong ko at tinignan ang nanghihinang batang lalaki.

"I already called the nurses. Dadalhin ko nalang siya sa emer—what are you doing?" Nilagay ko ang kamay ko sa ibabaw ng dibdib ng bata.

"He can be cured."

"There's no cure for a stage four cancer." She's really blunt.

"This monster shall bring a miracle then." Sinalin ko ang ilang enerhiya ko sa bata.

Nahihirapan siyang huminga, humihina ang tibok ng puso niya, but when my own energy started collidig with his, bigla na lamang bumalik sa normal ang paghinga niya, bumibilis din ang tibok ng puso niya. This is actually dangerous because there's a fifty percent chance na hindi tanggapin ng katawan niya ang enerhiya ko. But I'm relying on the other fifty percent success, mamatay lang din naman siya so it's better to risk it.

Labas man sa kalooban ko ay inalis ko ang nasasakitan niyang emosyon at pinalitan ito sa kasiyahan. Dahan-dahang pumukit ang mga mata nito at muling natulog.

"What did you do?" Tinanggal ko ang kamay ko at tumayo na.

"Giving him more time."

Ilang sandali ay may dumating na nga babae nakaputi at kinarga ang bata tapos umalis. Nakabalik narin kami dito sa kwarto para magpahinga. That took a lot of my energy than I had expected. Kaya uminom kaagad ako ng tubig pagbalik ko, that may have taken a lot of my energy but I don't think I'm that exhausted.

"Ano ba talaga ang ginawa mo dun?" Tanong ulit ni Allean.

"I erased some traces of his sickness away using my own spiritual energy."

"Some? You could have erased all of it." Pinatong ko ang bote pabalik sa lamesa at muling tinignan ang repleksiyon ko sa salamin.

"I am only giving him more time to live." For a moment there, I saw my eyes glow in bright blue. "He had to accept the fact that he'll die soon."

"And here I thought you actually cared about their sitaution." Napahilamos siya sa mukha gamit ang palad niya sa sinabi.

"Cared?" Nagtataka kong tanong sa kaniya. I tilted my head in confusion.

"You're not?"

"It was merely out of interest, Allean." I sighed. "An interest that soon faded, an action caused by a mere whim."

Pinikit ko ang mga mata ko at yinaas ko an kamay ko at nagpalabas ng masamang enerhiya na siyang nagbalot ng kadiliman sa buong kwarto. I never have thought I could manipulate dark energy like this.

She scoffed. "You're twisted."

I opened my eyes revealing the palest glow I have ever seen. It was glowing so brightly that I could sense Allean's fear. I chuckled. I wonder if she still sees me as beautifully as before. That's why people shouldn't be quick to judge.

"I am apparently a monster." I opened my palm creating a small red magic circle on top of it. The light it was emitting served as the whole room's source.

"A beautiful one." She replied, I felt her gaze never leaving me. "I told you, what shows doesn't always appear that way."

I wonder.