*Warning: mildly explicit content ahead.*

CHAPTER NINE:

I was dizzy and had to remind myself to breathe, but I was beginning to feel cautiously optimistic. Perhaps getting what I wanted would not be as difficult as I'd expected it to be?

No, of course it was going to be just exactly that difficult.

With a low chuckle, Edward pulled me away, holding me at arm's length.

"I love you," he said, his eyes liquid and warm.

"Yeah, me too," I said, breathless.

He set me gently on my feet. I wrapped both my arms around him, refusing to allow any space between us. He chuckled softly, scooping me up once more, and nearly flying up the stairs to my room.

With a smirk, he dropped me on my bed and I let out a squawk as I fell with a slight thump, bouncing on the mattress. He laughed at the pout I sent him, before settling down next to me.

I leaned into him, ducking my head under his arm and cuddling into his side. It probably felt similar to snuggling with Michelangelo's David, except that this perfect marble creature wrapped his arms around me to pull me closer.

It seemed like a good place to start.

"Can we discuss something? I'd appreciate it if you could begin by being open-minded."

He hesitated for a moment. "I'll give it my best effort," he agreed, cautious now. I opened my mouth, shut it, then opened it again but didn't say anything, struggling to find exactly the right words to open with.

"Listen to your heart fly," he murmured. "It's fluttering like a hummingbird's wings. Are you all right?"

"I'm great." My voice was a bit squeaky, ducking my head to examine the faint scarring on the backs of my hands like it was the most fascinating thing I'd ever seen.

"Please go on then," Edward encouraged.

I still didn't know how to begin. I felt his eyes watching me and I was afraid to look up. The blood began to burn in my face.

His cool fingers brushed my cheek. "You're blushing?" he asked in surprise. I kept my eyes down.

"Please, Bella, the suspense is painful."

I bit my lip.

"Bella." His tone reproached me now, reminded me that it was hard for him when I kept my thoughts to myself. Well, tough. He could see what it was like for the rest of us who had to rely on communication.

Of course, I was struggling a bit with the whole 'communicating' thing right now. Taking a deep breath, I looked up at his face.

"Edward," I said, unable to help my nerves. "There's something that I want to do."

He waited for me to continue. I didn't. My face was all hot.

"Whatever you want," he encouraged, anxious and completely clueless.

"Do you promise?" I asked, knowing my attempt to trap him with his words was not going to work, but unable to resist.

"Yes," he said. His eyes were earnest and confused. "Tell me what you want, and you can have it."

I couldn't believe how awkward and idiotic I felt. I was too innocent- which was, of course, central to the discussion. I didn't have the faintest idea how to be seductive. I would just have to settle for flushed and self-conscious.

"You," I mumbled almost incoherently.

"I'm yours." He smiled, still oblivious, trying to hold my gaze as I looked away again.

I took a deep breath and shifted forward so that I was kneeling on the bed. Then I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him.

He kissed me back, bewildered but willing. His lips were gentle against mine, and I could tell his mind was elsewhere- trying to figure out what was on my mind. I decided he needed a hint.

My hands were slightly shaky as I unlocked my arms from around his neck. My fingers slid down his neck to the collar of his shirt. The trembling didn't help as I tried to hurry to undo the buttons before he stopped me. His lips froze, and I could almost hear the click in his head as he put together my words and my actions.

He pushed me away at once, his face a mixture of highly shocked and heavily disapproving.

"Be reasonable, Bella."

"You promised- whatever I wanted," I reminded him without hope.

"We're not having this discussion." He glared at me while he refastened the two buttons I'd managed to open.

My teeth clamped together.

"I say we are," I growled, lunging for his shirt again.

He grabbed my wrists and pinned them to my sides.

"I say we're not," he said flatly.

We glowered at each other.

"You wanted to know," I pointed out.

"I thought it would be something faintly realistic."

I took a deep breath to steady myself. And, as the anger began to fade, I felt something else.

It took me a minute to recognize why I was staring down again, the blush returning- why my stomach felt uneasy for a reason that had nothing to do with duck blood soup, why there was too much moisture in my eyes, why I suddenly wanted to run from the room.

Rejection washed through me, instinctive and strong.

I knew it was irrational. He'd been very clear on other occasions that my safety was the only factor. Yet I'd never made myself quite so vulnerable before. I scowled at my comforter and tried to banish the reflex reaction that told me I was unwanted and unwantable.

Edward sighed. The hand over my mouth moved under my chin, and he pulled my face up until I had to look at him.

"What now?"

"Nothing," I mumbled.

He scrutinized my face for long moment while I tried unsuccessfully to twist away from his gaze. His brow furrowed, and his expression became horrified.

"Did I hurt your feelings?" he asked, shocked.

"No," I lied.

So quickly that I wasn't even sure how it happened, I was in his arms, my face cradled between his shoulder and his hand, while his thumb stroked reassuringly against my cheek.

"You know why I have to say no," he murmured. "You know that I want you, too."

"Do you?" I whispered, my voice full of doubt.

"Of course I do, you silly, beautiful, oversensitive girl." He laughed once, and then his voice was bleak. "Doesn't everyone? I feel like there's a line behind me, jockeying for position, waiting for me to make a big enough mistake... You're too desirable for your own good."

"Who's being silly now?" I doubted if awkward, self-conscious, and inept added up to desirable in anyone's book.

"Do I have to send a petition around to get you to believe? Shall I tell you whose names would be on the top of the list? You know a few of them, but some might surprise you."

I shook my head against his chest, grimacing. "You're just trying to distract me. Let's get back to the subject."

He sighed.

"Bella... it's not possible. You're too-too breakable."

"Edward," my nausea had returned, twofold, as I realized we were about to have a conversation that I wanted to put off for as long as possible. "You realize," my voice was shaky, "you realize I might always be this breakable."

His body went stiff, and I couldn't look at him. "I know." He whispered, and his voice sounded tortured. "You've never even once asked about being Turned."

"Oh Edward," it was my turn to cradle his face, tilting it so he had to look me in the eyes. "I love you," I told him, strongly, "you are the only one I will ever love like this. You are the love of my life, my one and only. I love you more then life. You are my life. But I can't be a vampire."

As I spoke the words, I felt like something heavy fell away, fell off my shoulders. I inhaled and exhaled, feeling freer, a burden I'd been aware of but too scared to do anything about having finally lifted.

"Not won't, you can't?" Edward tests the words in his mouth. "Is it not possible? For a witch to be Turned into a vampire?"

I think back to Qiang's book, to my own research, to my DADA classes, and shake my head. "It's possible, but being Turned into a vampire... it means giving up your magic." Edward turns to stone under my touch.

"To ask you to be a vampire... I'd be taking your life, your soul and your magic." He breathes, and there's agony in his eyes. "I never wanted for you to be Turned, Bella, but a selfish, selfish part of me thought that you would insist, and then I wouldn't have to feel the guilt that I should, and I would have you forever."

Warmth trickles down my cheeks, and I realize, with shock, that I'm actually crying. Edward's eyes are shining with tears he physically cannot spill. I lean against him, against his chest, where a heart should be beating hot, warm blood through his body, a chest that should be rising and falling to provide oxygen.

There was no heartbeat, and his chest was still. There would never be a heartbeat, and his chest would only ever rise and fall when he chose it to.

"I would do all that," I'm speaking into the fabric of his shirt, but I can hear what I'm saying clearly enough that I know he will be able to hear too. "I would give you all that- I want to give you all that. I want to always be by your side. I'd give away my magic in a heartbeat. I never wanted to live forever, to watch my friends and family grow old around me while I stayed young, but with you, forever... forever wouldn't be a curse. It would be a blessing. I'd stand by your side forever, loving you forever. I'd give up my magic and my human life for us without hesitation. And we both know I think vampires having no soul is ridiculous. Needing blood to live doesn't make someone a monster. You and your family, you're not monsters because you care. The moment you stop caring about human life, the moment you throw away compassion, morals and ability to love, that's when you lose your soul. That's when you become a monster."

"I don't understand." Edward's voice sounded bleak. "If you would give everything up, why... why did you say you can't be a vampire?"

"Because I can't give up my magic yet, Edward."

Edward sucks in a breath he doesn't really need, cold hands cradling my face, pulling me off his chest so he can look me in the eye.

"You're talking about... about the War. You won't be Turned because you think- no, you know you'll still need your magic. And you'll need it because..." his voice trails off briefly, his expression horrified, "because you're planning on fighting."

"Edward," I look at him, not sure what to say, "I thought you already knew that. That I planned on fighting."

"I didn't want to think it." His eyes are tortured, the agony and pain in them making me cringe. He looks almost like he wants to grab me and run, far, far away from anything that could possibly hurt me, put me in any sort of danger.

"This wasn't what I was expecting to come out of this conversation tonight." I mumble, looking down, unable to bear holding his gaze. His hands, still curled under my chin, gently tilt my head back up, and he presses his lips to mine. I close my eyes, losing myself to the sensation, to his lips moving against mine.

His hands leave my jaw, trailing down my sides. I suck in a startled breath when, hesitantly, they move under the front of my sweater.

His cool fingers press against my overheated flesh, and I gasp into his mouth. My fingers greedily tangle into his hair, and I let out a moan as his fingertips dance along the soft flesh of my stomach. I move from his lips to his jaw, then trailing kisses down the line of his throat to his collarbone. Icy fingers trace lines down my sides, and, in a somewhat impulsive move, I move back and pull off my sweater, so I'm sitting before him, in just a bra and sweatpants.

His golden eyes almost look like they're burning as they sweep over my front. My breath hitches slightly when he doesn't say anything, and suddenly all I can think about is the scars, and how inadequate I am, this soft, fleshy, broken thing, before this glorious, marble god.

And then Edward lets out an honest to god moan, and suddenly I feel like the most beautiful thing in the world. He gently lays me on my back, in a move so swift I barely feel it, and his lips trail over every scar, every pink line, and I can feel that tingling heat in my abdomen and lower, building up. Letting out a somewhat embarrassing mewling noise, I buck my hips up into him without even meaning to. A thrill of pleasure jolts through me at the contact, and a breathless moan escapes my throat.

"E-Edward," I moan, moving against him again and again. The heat was building inside me, a glorious, tingling rush I'd never felt before, not like this. His mouth met mine, and his tongue swept out against my lips. I let him in, begged him in. I didn't even try holding back the moans that escaped as his mouth slanted over mine again. I pushed more into the kiss this time, twining our tongues, not demanding or aggressive, sloppy or over-eager. Slow and sensual, soothing and thrilling our lips and tongues slid together and he made a sound like a mix between a growl and a moan.

My movements became more frantic, pressing my body against his, my breasts to his chest, my groin to his. It almost took me by surprise, one moment I was rocking against Edward, the next I was muffling a scream as the built up rush reached its climax.

I lay there, trembling, my limbs feeling oddly weak and heavy. My breath came quick and harsh, and my entire body felt hypersensitive. Edward moved, rolling so he was lying beside me, not hovering over me.

Gathering enough of my wits about me so I could string a sentence together, I remembered the book, and managed to ask without nervously giggling, "did you... you know, come?" I whispered the last word, as it felt almost dirty in my mouth. I looked up to meet his eyes and immediately had to look away, heat spreading across my cheeks.

Edward was looking at me like he'd never seen me before, but not in a bad way; admiration. Pure admiration. He was looking at me like I was the most exquisite thing he'd ever seen.

"You're stunning, Bella," he spoke up, and he sounded impossibly breathless. I looked up at him, and reached for his hand, remembered what the girl in Judy Blume's book- Katherine- had asked, and practically whispered,

"Show me what to do." It took Edward a moment to realize, and then he made a shocked sound.

"Bella, I-"

"I want to, Edward," I shivered slightly, remembering the wonderful feelings he'd given me. "Show me what to do." When Edward still hesitated, still that early 1900's gentleman, I took the initiative to pull his pants down, over his hips, down his thighs, to his knees. He was wearing silk boxers, cream colored. Edward didn't move to stop me when my hands moved to the waist-band of the silk boxers, instead he was holding himself perfectly still, his hands clenched at his sides in fists. When I pulled them down, down to his knees, I almost stopped breathing.

I'd seen a picture of a male's sexual organ before in health class, and then biology, but there was something about seeing it in this sort of environment... I'd heard of girls who used their mouths and tongues to bring their partner's pleasure, but I wasn't ready for that. Instead, I reached out and gently touched it, causing Edward to inhale sharply in surprise. It seemed like a good sort of reaction, so I took a leaf out of Katherine's book and let my hands go everywhere, exploring hard, cold flesh.

Edward made a stuttered groaning sound, and I decided that I had to be doing something right, so I kept doing it until he suddenly pulled away. I jerked back, for a moment surprised and hurt, then I realized he'd ripped off his boxers, still around his knees, and used them to- oh. Right. Males made more of a mess then a woman did when they reached orgasm.

I wasn't sure how Edward discarded of the ruined, stained boxers, which probably cost more money then I even wanted to think about spending on a pair of underwear, but he only disappeared for a moment, before lying back down next to me.

"So where did that come from?" I asked, snuggling up beside him. I shivered a bit, his cool temperature pressed against my overheated flesh more uncomfortable then stimulating now, and grabbed my wand from the bedside table to cast a quick heating charm on him, before snuggling back to him. He held me tenderly, and I rested my face in the crook of his shoulder.

"I love you." Edward said, simply. "I want you to be happy, because you're always trying to make everyone else happy, even at the cost of your own. You are..." he moved his head, tilting it down to press his lips against my forehead. "You are the love of my life, no matter for how long you are in it." He murmurs, marble lips moving against my forehead. "You will always be my one love. I want forever with you, Bella, but if we can't have forever, then we'll make what time we do have count." My eyes are wet, and I sniff. This isn't exactly the most cheerful conversation to be having in my first post-orgasm afterglow, but...

"Forever. I love you forever. No matter what happens." I promise him, wetly.

"Forever." He whispers against my forehead.

Forever. No matter how long or short it is.