I feel like crying
My heart is bursting
eyes are tearing away the words you've written,
gobbling them up
once I spot you, I feel my tears water my face, trembling inside my lids before they roll down.

Your blond hair and your blue eyes, staring straight at me

You didn't run away fast enough

I'm crying fully now
as i recall the memory
forever replaying
replay
replay
again
again

I watch your lean body, I can almost feel the tight white shirt, the soft texture of your cotton exercise top.

I can almost reach for your short hair and replace the concern on your face with a kiss.

I never knew

I didn't think it was

how could it be

after all this time, the boy that's been sending me letters

the boy that made my heart lift
is the boy across the street, making my heart sink

i've loved you for

forever.

and

and....

how dare you!!?

how dare you, for now telling me

for revealing in such an invading, suffocating way

i can't breathe it's as if you've got my throat around your big fingers.
i can feel my neck grow limb

you've

you've

you've

now, you tell me

now?

you tell me?

I've

i've

ive....?

I've loved you this whole

time

and I couldn't fucking talk to you

i only looked at you from the window, spotted you across the street, peeked when you left,

now

now

now!!!?

Now, I'm here to discover that all this hiding, the sneaking glances, and occasional catches, you liked me too?

no, you "adored me"!!!

you "loved me"

wait you "love me"

you say "I'm too good to be true, a dream, a girl you can't look at for too long

too long

because

"maybe it will turn out to not be real"

so you look away?

I looked at you that way!

how?

how can we be so similar, so close, yet so far?

no, I can't accept this.

I don't like this feeling

I feel trapped and clogged, there are tissues building up my stomach and are now blocking my throat.

I can't speak

there are tears speaking for me, forming around my face, outlining my face,
creating my face.

but you'll never hear my voice or feel my lips.

you never will.

I won't let you.

I hated feeling powerless as I looked at your lean body stride towards your car.
I hated not being able to call across and ask you how've you been, or to be able to bump my shoulder against yours.
Or, just. just act normal, around you. Other girls could, you could.
I hate feeling jealous, feeling nervous. thinking I'm not enough because you haven't noticed me. feeling jealous that maybe you've found somebody new and forgot that I'm here.

I hated that.

I hate that.

and i hate even more that you were looking at me this whole time, with the same feelings.

with your lips shut, stomach tight, and eyes begging.

you

you

you could've

you know what

fuck it.

yes, I love you too.

I decline the offer though

but I do send my letter

hoping for a friendship and love that is real. maybe with you

maybe not.

but one that isn't heart-gutting, and gashing my skin, and tearing me apart.

i can't read your mind yet feel your words on the pages typed from a "midnight desperation, plea"

I can't but

I do love you

so,

do know that

just

...

goodbye

~ anonymously

yours