I kissed this boy named Todd, he wasn't anything especially special.

He was just a boy

I was looking for him, I just wanted a boy

He didn't make me feel anything.

His shoulder length hair was crowded with knots and wasn't neatly brushed.

I didn't mind

I just wanted a boy

Any.

But,

He didn't make me feel anything

I received a little blush, felt the wetness of his pink lips, purple reaching my own orangey red.

But, besides that, he left, I left

And I felt nothing

I even felt worse.

Empty.

Frustrated

Angry

Exaggerated

I was lonely

That was why

I was searching

Looking for that one

Just to prove to the actual boy, that I liked him

Tom

I feel tears sweeping down my stomach, reaching my toes and curling around my pelvis.

My back is arched and I'm stuck in an uncomfortable position

I didn't stop there

I vanished the feeling, gulped down the thoughts, listened to loud music, kissed ugly boys. maybe that would fill my empty heart but only Taylor filled the void.

But, even she didn't hear my call.

I was loosing track of time, losing myself in men, there was Jerry, Clyde, Roger, Thomas, Gary, and Paul.

All men that meant nothing to me and manged to ruin everything for me.

I heard Samuel scream my name in the night, I didn't feel his tounge against my earlobe.

I listened to Oliver's plead but his arms didn't reach me.

Anthony smiled but it didn't mirror my own.

Kyle said my name sweetly but all I felt was empty

A
Cry
From
Elton
John

Woke me up

And I heard my heart swoon

I was lost

Under a bed, on top of the sheets

In the dark, on the morning light, shining through the curtains, screaming on my face.

I heard the call

But, did I listen?

There was hope.
Finally

But it was like, I didn't want it

I wanted the hunt, the chase, but lost myself in that, instead of wanting the prize

I settled for less, cared less and less, stylized nothing and left the house as I was made with curly, matted hair, with dry lips, smooth from a recent smushy lip.

I cried

In my sleep

But woke up with no stains.

I lost myself

But only because I thought I couldn't have it and that all I could have was that. So, knowing I didn't have it, it meant I was without                           empty

Empty

Empty

Men

Men

Let's go to Jerry

Run back to Paul

Fall for Sebastian

Yearn for Peter

Ask for Augie

Plead, plead, cry, cry

Empty empty empty

Let me let me let me

Be
Be
Be

I cried when their lips met my own

I died each time their bodies met my own

I laughed when they left

But felt empty

Inside

Empty, empty, empty

Because, I went searching for myself in others, and found nothing

Oh oh

Instead, I must look

Inside

But how?

Every girl must have a man

Kiss the next one to prove you've been kissed

Watch the movies so you could feel that love

But then you kiss any old guy, like they told you, and you don't feel that way

But, anyway, you continue anyway, settle for the less but complain that you don't have the best.

I don't have the best

I don't have the best

Because I went too fast

I didn't listen to myself

And chose to depend on men

Men who didn't matter

And kissed me wrong

Made me worse

I lost myself

Went empty

Became empty

Because

I choose to depend on them

Next time, I'll choose to wait

I don't need to hurry like other girls

Prove myself through boy's "love"

I'll wait, and kiss myself

Look at boys and Invision the man! The man for me

For them

But, especially for Me

I just wanted it so badly, but I never got it

I'll get it though

I won't force it

I'll listen,

I'll take my time

Because then the right one will come

He will come

And when he does, the emptiness I felt with the others, won't be.

I'll be fuller

But, I need to be full by myself

Without others around me to force, contorte, and kiss me.

I need to choose for me

I need to kiss me

I need to love me.

Because I am full!

I am whole!

I am expansive

I am free!

I am worthy

With man

Without a man

And I need to feel the love now

All the other men I kissed was to feel the expansion

But, they couldn't give that to me

And I couldn't find the one that could.

But, I won't wait for him to come around in order for me to feel that

I'll feel that now!

Feel full now!

And then when the man comes, I won't be looking for that feeling, I'll already have it within me, it'll just expand, multiply, add, and grow, and become the whole universe. The stars will surround us and wrap our hearts.

But, it's not coming.

Not because I don't deserve it or am not worthy or I don't want it enough.

It's because I'm worth it and I deserve it so much and I want it and it needs to be perfect.

And Right now, it won't be that if I force it.

Universe is telling me I'm worth it; the universe is finding me the perfect love.

So, I must trust

And now         I am full now

I'm constantly growing fuller and fuller

I am whole

I am full

Not empty, full