"Addiction ruins you"

"Then let it ruin me."

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Loneliness was a state which I had come to appreciate; considering the battles that I had to face to get away from the past were as suffocating as the continuous waves of the ocean slamming my soul, engulfing me and making it hard for me to breath.

But seeing that man, sat across the giant hall, away from people and drinks; loneliness felt like a thorn prickling the soul. His surrounding was filled with darkness and silence engulfed him in its abyss as the noise of music was not much heard at that corner of the pub. The broken chairs were piled up at that corner, the sharp and prickling neon lights reflected dimly there, illuminating some of the wooden tables set aside there for none to sit but him.

The dark hood covered most of his being but his tanned skin was glistened by the faint lights. He was a regular in the pub for quite some time, but always choose to stay in the corner with grave silence occupying his surrounding, intimidating the observant. His posture strict but slightly bent forward and his both hands slammed against the wooden table with fingers entwined, his figure lean but well-built and his presence held the immaculate energy of nothingness.

No drinks, no smoking, no girls! He just sat there with the electrifying curiosity sprawled around him. The loneliness that he presented, unsettled me and something inside me shifted in fear of being stuck in such abyss. The loneliness I accepted fulfilled my social needs to an extent where it suited me, I was not completely detached from the world around me- or so that I thought.

My eyes fluttered with the changing frequency of neon lights, and I lost focus from the mysterious figure. Loud blast of music disturbed my eardrums and got me out of my trance in which I was dedicated to the man sitting alone. Removing my hand from under my chin, I straightened up at the bar counter, awaiting to serve but the rush hour passed away, the people in pub were mainly regulars who had already spent hours there and were fallen and wasted. Peering around the pub, lascivious gazes brought a solemn feeling in my stomach making it churn; the thought of having me being looked at like that in strangers view never ceased to disturb me but complaining about the bartender job was not the luxury I could afford.

A person with no relevant or strong education and experience, with overfilling debts burdening the slumped shoulders- she got a job with a pay higher than expected due to the reference of a friend; that should be enough, no matter how much the job bothered us. Something deep inside me churned in displeasure and perplexed my thoughts- something about how the childhood and teenage being ruined really could leave you with nothing but compromises. For some people, staying up, climbing up was easy but for some people; the tainted scars of healed wounds held more pain than any fresh wound, which ultimately made survival a distant cloud to reach.

My eyes travelled to the main door, narrowed down with the pressure from light and the burn from smoke, but they held a glint of longing, which was noticed as a chirpy yet low voice made me huff, "Any hottie spotted?" A slight pinch on my forearm made me cock my head to the side and I was met with dark eyes having a glint of excitement peering up at me.

"I am on job, Mary!" I responded. With both of her dainty palms, she combed her short length hair and pushed them to the back and her head tip back for a few seconds and she shook her hair to get rid of any tangles.

An unlit cigarette was clasped between her thin lips and dangled as she was settling her hair, while she pushed back the hair that shadowed her milky skin, I saw her nape of the neck being inked with some new designs, I was about to question about them but she cut me off as she pulled out the cigarette from her mouth, "It is okay, fun is allowed on job too! Boss's order!"

"You really like being my boss and order me around, don't you?" I questioned as I poured us a drink.

She nodded with a grimace, "Hell yeah!"

Even while engaging in a conversation with the dark eyed curious Mary Sanders, my eyes darted towards the door every now and then in hopes of him. Five days, no contact and a part of me felt insecure and felt the heap of past's burden making the matters worse. My forehead creased in anticipation and bewilderment on his cruelty. That was not unnoticed by my dear friend, who knew me well enough to understand my previous traumas and my unflinching and thumping emotions for a man who was...way too unknown for such a known emotion as love but yet, the hopeless and needy part of me could not shield itself from the charm of such enticing steel blue eyes and the endearing and smooth words he uttered. "Do not wait for that son of a bitch! Please, for God's sake, move on and stay away from him!" I noticed her tone changing; sharp and slightly loud but her lips stretched across her mouth into a wider smile.

My trust on Mary was unwavering; she was the one who I could rely upon, she took care of me at my worse, created an avenue for my bread and butter, showed me a way of living despite afflictions, ignited a will to continue in that world- her wisdom about life and her guidance came from the fact that she had seen more springs than I did and seemingly more autumns of miseries as well. But in the matter related to him, her views used to push me off the edge. I gaped at her, a bit petulant, putting my hands on my hips and completely facing her gleaming yet serious gaze, "Please, do not start again!" I exclaimed in pure annoyance; I blew a sigh of exasperation at her, knowing what was to come yet again.

Her dark eyes lost its glint of tease and a frown creased her forehead, she crossed her slim arms across her chest and straightened up her tiny frame, "I understand...he is the first man for whom you had such intense emotions and yes-"she shook her head and firmly continued, "I won't ever call this love, but whatever you feel, I understand. But tell me, how is this fair for you? He did not even call you for five days and this is not the first time...doesn't it bother you? Don't you have doubts about him? How can you be such a love sick puppy for a man as monstrous as him?"

I wanted to inquire about her distaste for him, but I knew she would only be giving me Silence in return. Her tone gritted, "At least say something," she reacted to my numb response of unresponsiveness.

"What! You know I like him and you judge him...harshly, if I may add! And you do not bother to give me any reason for it." I shrugged and heaved a sigh. My eyes bored into hers and the air around us thickened. The loud voice of mine could not cut through the air and the noise of thumping music, but it was enough to turn a few heads towards us and my continued gripe and pique shook the drunk ones in our proximity.

I felt a hard grasp on my arm as I was about to turn to the counter again, with no intention to continue the argument which led to same results always. The touch of her small and light hands was not comforting, it tightened a bit to pull me towards her, it felt as if she wanted to wake me up from a century old slumber of ignorance, the aura surrounding her became tense and deterrent, "I judge him because I know guys like him, who prey on innocent and broken girls like you, giving them hopes about a future yet ruin them as much as they like. They blind the innocent girls with the illusion of love and affection to the point where girls end up ignoring the sane voices which are trying to pull them away from such dangers of beautiful and deceiving men...and look, that is what he did, the great Luciano Marcel made me untrustworthy for you!" she snapped.

Unfortunately, people who were near the bar counter were noticing the eruptive outburst, so before I could add something, Mary tightened her grasp on my forearm and dragged me away from the counter and nearer to the dimmed corner of the pub, lights and music were muffled but enough to reflect on both of our faces. My small frame was squished in the dark and as my body was clad with black as well, I could realize that for the people looking for me in the dark, only my pale skin of slender arms and red locks framing my face could make me visible. A hope for him to find me ignited, until the heavy words of Mary stepped on the hope I so lovingly carried.

"And you...tell me, am I wrong to judge a man...who has never been clear about his past, present and future to you. Am I wrong to judge a man, who all of sudden started to take interest in a bartender? Am I wrong to judge a man who's every word, every action, every glance and every lineament of his face hold a mystery behind it? Am I wrong to judge a man who I knew for a long time, who I saw having sex with every other girl of this bar every time, until you caught his eyes?" Her voice was low that time, but held intensity and a convincing force that was driving me even crazier and more confused than before.

I gulped, my throat felt dry and thorns seemed to appear prickling my tongue, I looked around in the darkness that surrounded us and avoided the determinant expression that sprawled across the sharp face of Mary. I tugged a strand of my thick hair, the wave hooked around my ear, "But he does not sleep-" I tried to speak up but my voice was cut off by a heavy chuckle from Mary and my eyes flew open at her reaction.

She noticed my displeasure, and the lineaments of her face softened and she looked down to hold my palm, lifted up and brought it to her lips, caressing her, "You are my little sister! I think of your welfare only! But that man Clarissa, he will put you in danger, your associations with him can cost you your life. It took you so long to get back on your feet, are you going to let a man like him; the one who toys with girls, the one who vanishes every now and then, the one who hides about his identity and work and legacy, destroy your newly found balance in life?" My breathings palpitated as she calmly expressed her concerns.

What was I supposed to say? I wondered.

"He does not like you in a way you want him too, but he does for sure like you in a way he wants to and his wants are dangerous." Mary huffed out, "Men like him are not and should not be for girls like you, Clarissa Martin."

A tremor of terror slithered up my spine, rendering me shocked and speechless and my lips quivered, finding the courage to let out another set of defending words for him but with the infinitesimal courage, "His family's money so he does not work-" I spoke up again to earn another snicker that was directed at my hopeless attempts.

The snicker turned into a laughter, which made my heart tear apart and almost convinced me to believe Mary and doubt the man I had been seeing for four months. And as surprising as it seemed to others, for me that four month relationship meant a lot; it was the only relationship I had had. The one where I learned to embrace my ideas about love, my comfort level regarding skin on skin contact and my own body issues, the one where I understood how it felt to be loved, touched and kissed romantically with pure bliss. So for a girl like me, it was a lot and it was everything but still, almost a doubt with string of fears crawled up my skin, making a way to enter my mind to clog the desperate feelings I claimed to title love.

Suppressing her laugh, Mary sighed, "No one knows his family; he does not have any normal relationships, none that we know of, Clarissa. Please wake up."

I stared at her as she continued to boggle my mind and pushing the seed of doubt further down in my sand of an existence, I squinted at her and then squeezed my eyes shut and hummed in painful thought about Luciano playing a scam with me and not actually liking me, because even to my dismay, I had accepted that Luciano talked to me but never made me talk to him, he asked and continued to ask about me only to cut my turn to inquire with a physical jolt of affection. I noticed that pattern even before Mary's continuous warnings but the idea of love came at such a time for me where letting go of it became impossible. I became desperate to taste the love; after all, for years all I had had was the taste of metallic danger and appalling pain.

Deep down I knew and trusted Mary's wisdom more than my desperate desire to find love and longing with Luciano, I believed that warnings would not have been empty so subconsciously, I let the doubts find a nest in my heart to reside and torment me with each passing breath from then on.

Tears welled up in my eyes, my shoulders slumped and I felt Mary squeeze my hand that was in her hold to infuse some strength in me, "I know he is handsome, mysterious and well equipped with his words but trust me, you deserve a simple and normal life after all that you have endured. He is not the mystery you should chase or be smitten by, just work here in this shit hole and clear your debts then move the city Clarissa, find a new place, new home and new people to surround yourself with because otherwise; the shadow of evil of this Chicago will haunt you forever." My eyes followed hers intently, with my hitched breath; I heard her words as if my life was dependent on what she said.

Feeling of inescapable pain paralyzed my mind for a brief moment with my heart being punctured, my thoughts regarding Luciano tarnished. A part of me; probably the sane part of me, pushed me to believe that he could be wrong and not just wrong or a liar, but dangerous as well.

I felt a graveyard forming inside me; death and silence encircled around me, and the feeling that occurred to me years ago and long gone graced me with its presence again. Mary, noticing my state of being; eyes unsettled and wandering around, lips pressed into thin line, skin trembling under her hold, a slight bent posture indicating the life leaving the legs and silent cries from my heart which knew nothing but agony all its life, she decided to change the subject, "Let's get back to work, Clarissa. Do not take advantage of owner's sister." She winked at me and playfully nudged me in the forearm; I nodded with a weak smile hanging on my face with a single thread of strength. After all those months of efforts by Mary; finally she was able to make me doubt.

As Mary and I tried to reach back towards the counter; we realized the increase of crowd in the pub. We were pushing the drunken dancing bodies out of our way, some of them did glower at us but we managed to get away. The energy rose in the pub and I huffed at the thought of increase in serving activities and not to mention all those hungry looks that being a bartender I had to face and at times ignore due to the law of the world for women.

"Where is she?" A loud growling male voice echoed in the noisy pub which made many heads turn towards it and DJ even was forced to stop the music for a while to assess the situation for any danger. The crisp and strong voice held power, fierceness and brewing anger that could even put a roar of lion to shame. Our eyes travelled to the source of the voice, only to find a tall broad frame and his back turned on us while he held the life out of Nathan's neck, heaviness descended upon us as we noticed that the busiest pub of the city was silenced by the mere presence of that man and under the weight of his rumbling voice.

Mary fumed as she saw her brother Nathan in a tight captive of that man, glued to the wall. The sight was more than enough for her to lose her cool and she plunged towards them and to my surprise was able to thwart away the broad body away from her brother, I took faltering steps towards them.

"Where is she?" He held Mary's arm; pulled her towards his hard body and twisted her hand behind her back, a small squeal of pain escaped her mouth and that was enough evidence of his name in my mind. The only man who Mary and Nathan feared for no reason- well, I used to think for no reason, but it seemed that there was more than a reason. My heartbeats palpitated and the zephyr around me thickened, for a brief moment, I felt my head spun and blur occupying my vision but soon I was able to get back firmly on my feet.

Before more harm could come to my only friend and a kind man who gave me job; I rushed to them and dragged away his strong frame away from Mary. Mary stumbled back as she was out of his clasp and Nathan held her possessively. I was met with the menacing gaze, I whispered, "Luciano!"

In a split second, I saw the warmth coming back to his hard face, and his sea blue eyes losing the need of rampage and got fixated on me.

A glint of relief was spread across his face, he racked his hand in his disheveled dark hair, his body was stiffened, his muscles were rippling beneath his fitted white shirt and it was enough to make me drool to be honest just like I had been feeling those hot flaming sensations since last four months but in that moment, the smile he kept all of sudden didn't sooth me instead it seethed me. Those eyes of his that always seemed understanding and trustworthy seemed unfathomable and cryptic to me. Instead of having an urge to go and put my arms around his neck, I had an urge to slap him for treating my friend like that and creating a chaos at my workplace.

Seeing the matter subsided, the people around us started mingling and resumed what they were doing. The world around us got busy; Mary took Nathan to treat the wound on his neck. I stayed rooted on my spot and threw a glare at him; gritting my teeth.

Before I could go mad, he took a step towards me, his hand lifted up, his one lean finger pressed against my cheek and ran down to my neck, he got closer and leaned down towards my face, his deep and thick voice enunciated, "I missed you."

His arms caged me, pulling me closer to his body that radiated heat but in that moment, I noticed that instead of tingles in the pit of stomach, I felt different. I felt uneasy. I felt trapped and suffocated. And that was what Mary was warning me for since the moment Luciano took interest in me.

Unlocking my eyes from him, I drifted my gaze to my surrounding; his hard and strong body was tightening its hold on me, "You know, your eyes are so beautiful; so green and refreshing. And I'd like them to only stare at me," he mumbled to my ear, his voice like a wine; addicting and sensual but it held something secretive.

His demanding voice made me turn my head to his direction, staring at his eyes, "If you had missed me, you could have contacted me in these five days. But you didn't. Where were you? Why do you get vanished every now and then? Where do you live? You have no place and I am always...worried, Luciano." Before I could say anything stupid that could expose my doubts, I tried to make him believe on a fact that I was worried for him. But in reality, I was worried for myself, for Mary, for Nathan.

A small smile tugged on the corner of his lush lips, he leaned in and his lips pressed against my forehead, chills and soothing effect was there but they were taken over by the horror of Mary's statements and warnings.

"Forget it; I'll never do that again. Let's have some fun, darling. I missed you so much really. Let's have a dance." Just like that, he threw all of my queries under the rug and disregarded them with his distinct style.

He didn't wait for my response but instead, he held my arm and hooked with his and gently took me towards the dance floor which was already over-crowded. Loud, seductive music was on and people were swaying along the rhythm. And his smile widened as he tilted his head towards me, "Let's dance. I really want you to be close to me. I missed this feeling."

His words were not working as much as they used to.

The fact that haunted me was that he again left those questions about him unanswered. And it agitated me, hurt me...and scared me.

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VOTES, COMMENTS AND SHARING IS APPRECIATED.

So, here is the first chapter of this. How was it? Worth reading? Did you like the tone of this story, a bit mysterious, dark and thick? Liked Clarissa, Mary or Luciano?