Elena

"Have you seen them Victor, they are HUGE and so cute!" my heart was racing as the snorkeling instructor tried to unbutton my swim suit. "I can undress my wife myself!" Victor's sharp tone made me turn around startled. He was literally killing the instructor with a look, grabbing one of his wrists. The poor man looked horrified by Victor towering over him. "Victor, he's just trying to help!" I turned to him and put my hand on his forearm, looking at him imploringly.

Up until that point, everything was like magic. The walks, I saw places I never even dreamed of, Victor took me to see Grandma and Grandpa rocks on a beach called Lamai, we visited Phra Yai Island, I screamed when a python hung over my head in Ang Thong Park and Victor hid me in his arms . And today we went snorkeling to see the turtle island or whatever was under the water.

Victor's gaze slowly shifted to me and a chill ran through me. Darkness and death was the first thing that crossed my mind when his eyes riveted me. "Victor...." suddenly everything I heard, my father's stories about Victor, what was written, what I read, all the headlines flooded into my mind and I shuddered, sharply withdrawing my hand and stepping back. A wave hit the boat, I slipped, lost my balance and screamed.

"Elena, please talk to me" we both entered our bungalow two hours later. I couldn't do anything but stay away from Victor the whole way. His look was all I could think about. "Elena?" he grabbed my arm and I flinched, turning to him in horror. His fingers around my hand immediately opened, he raised his hands in front of him and stepped back. Instinctively, I curled up a little further away from him, wrapped my arms around myself and took a deep breath.

The war between the Victor I knew and the Victor from the stories, the rumors and the one I saw on the boat made me unable to find words to start this conversation. "Give...give me some time, please?" was all I managed to say before giving him a brief glance. Viktor looked so desperate, my request seemed to physically hurt him, but he nodded silently, turned and walked out, leaving me alone.

I stared at the closed door, I saw him on the porch steps. Even his back looked hurt and desperate, and everything in me screamed to run after him, to hug him, to tell him that everything was okay. But I couldn't. At the moment, as much as I was in love with Victor Craven, I was also scared of him, so instead of following him, I turned and walked towards our bedroom.

I lay down on my side of the bed, curled up into a ball and looked at his pillow. Until a few hours ago, Victor was the ideal man. Kind, gentle, caring. Viktor is the man who holds me in his arms like I'm made of thin glass and I'm going to break. Viktor is the man who cooks, washes the dishes, makes the bed, waits for me in the morning with a ready breakfast, even though he has trained for at least an hour or more before that. Viktor is the man who looks at me like that, as if he is blessed by my presence, he listens to me, looking straight into my mouth, as if he saw and memorized the words themselves, not a voice.

Victor is the man who never fails to tell me how beautiful I am. The same man who kisses me like that, as if he needs me to breathe, to exist. Up to that moment, there had not been a second in which he had looked at me sharply or coldly, there had not been a moment in which his voice had not been normal or lower, there had not been a second in which he had displayed or shown even the slightest hint of rudeness towards me.

But is this really Victor? Or is it the man who nearly broke the instructor's arm with one grab, awakening the feeling of death when he turned to me? True, as soon as he realized it was me, his gaze softened, he let go of the instructor and apologized, but which of the two is the real one?

When you witness something like this, you can't help but wonder how many of the rumors and stories you've heard are true. The guards, the guns, is that why Victor was so overprotective when we were out? Is that why I've noticed him looking around so many times, trying to hide it, when he realizes I've caught him? If the stories about him are true, did he expect one of his enemies to attack us and therefore always stood close to me to protect me?

I reached up to touch his pillow and my gaze took in the trembling of my hand. Am I really so afraid of my own husband that I can't stop shaking even when he's not in the room? I sat up and pulled my knees up to my chest. Why am I afraid? Victor said his anger would never be directed at me, so if I believe his words, why don't I stop shaking? Do I really trust him? Can I?

Can I?

I rested my cheek on my knees and looked at his side of the bed. He scared me, even now, just the memory of the anger and cold written on his face, the promises of pain and slow death in his eyes, froze my blood. Can you really read something like that just by someone's expression or look? Or is it just that chilling sickening feeling in your guts that made your knees tremble and soften like mine on the boat?

Victor wouldn't hurt me, would he? If he wanted to do it, he had such a convenient occasion, especially since we've been here. For God's sake, for a kilometer the only other living things were the animals that roamed the island. But if I believe it, why am I afraid? I am in love with this man, why did one act of aggression somehow erase all the happy moments from my mind? If I'm really in love with him, why can't I trust his words that he would never hurt me?

Because I don't know this Victor. Not once has he shown me this side of him. Not once was the question raised about the rumors and stories I heard about him. It was as if he was hiding this part of his life, if it existed at all, or maybe because I didn't do anything to find out the truth?

I didn't just not ask him or talk to him about it. I ignored it. Victor was the perfect husband, I had no reason to believe what I heard and I just pushed everything back somewhere, covering the rumors with the diaper of feelings he evoked in me. I preferred to believe in Victor, whom I saw, in his promises, in my feelings for him, so that I wouldn't have to realize that there was darkness in him, which was probably just waiting for something to provoke its appearance.

I sighed and dug my fingers into my hair, pulling it into a low makeshift ponytail. I am inexperienced in relationships, I was brought up conservatively, but Viktor opened my eyes to many things, to new sensations, he gives me the confidence to discover what is hidden inside me and to show it. Hold my hand while teaching me to get to know the real Elena, the world and my sensuality. To discover myself as a woman who enjoys physical pleasures.

The truth is that Victor is not hiding anything. Not saying it's raining outside isn't like intentionally letting someone get wet, is it? Victor may not talk about it, but would he hide it if I asked him direct questions? Would he keep quiet, would he leave me out of this part of his life? Or would he trust me?

If I asked him and he said, well, the trust between us would only increase. But what if he lies to me? Then what? Will I be able to stay with him either way? Will I be able to be the wife of both Victor Craven, CEO of Craven Groups, and Victor Craven the Criminal? If his life is really divided into good and evil, can I live peacefully with him, create a family, can I wake up in the morning, send our children to school and drink my coffee without dying of fear that in any moment outside the home they can be attacked? Can I love Victor and not wonder when he goes out where he is, is he okay, is he safe?

My mind was screaming no, but the pain with which my heart was beating said otherwise. Viktor is my husband, I'm in love with him. He made oaths, swore to love me, to respect me in good and bad, in joy and sadness, in health and sickness. I swore to the same. I stood in front of the priest, Viktor held my hands, I looked him straight in the eyes and swore to be by his side in every step of his life.

If marriage was only the good, then there would be no divorces. If it was only the good, it wouldn't take years for people to get to know their partner, make sure they can spend their life with them, have children and a family. If it was only the good, then what were these oaths for? Why sadness, illness, bad times?

Shouldn't I, as his wife, talk to him before I judge him? Shouldn't I listen to it? To hear his side of the story too? If I'm really in love with him, why was it so easy for me to forget the Victor I know and believe he could hurt me?

Yes, he scared me today. Yes, I didn't expect such a reaction from him, just because someone tried to unbutton my swimming costume. I suddenly remembered what Viktor told me in the restaurant. "As long as it's only sideways glances, I don't mind". Is this his jealousy? Was this aggression because another man touched me? I can live with that, but the rest, if it's true? Can I? Can I accept if Victor really is as my father describes him? A killer?

I sighed and lay on my back, staring at the ceiling. My head was throbbing and I felt like I was torn between 'buts' and 'ifs' when I had so many questions but no answers. Answers that only Victor can give me. I raised my hand above me and stared at my engagement ring and wedding band. My hands were no longer shaking, but fear was still turning my insides.

I turned to my side and stared out the window. The sun had begun to set and the sky was colored blood red, gray and gloomy. Was this the other part of Victor's life? I don't know why, but imagining him going through all this alone hurts me. I know I shouldn't, if Viktor is a criminal and a murderer, I shouldn't think about how lonely he has been until now. I have to grab the fear, pack my bags and run as far as I can.

But I can't.

The truth is that despite the fear, despite my shaken trust, a voice deep inside me tells me that whatever the truth about Victor, he would never raise a hand against me, he would never hurt me intentionally. Not the man who prepared our wedding with me, satisfying all my wishes. Not the man who won't let me lift a finger because he believes it's his duty to take care of me. Not the man who, despite all the orgasms, still kept my virginity until I was ready to lose it.

Because this is my husband. My man. CEO or killer, I vowed to be by his side every step of the way, until death do us part. It's silly, when I have questions and no answers, lying here making up stories, tormenting my mind, when all I have to do is go out and find him and ask him.

Slowly, feeding my own courage with everything I had learned about myself from Victor, I let my feet off the bed and stood up. It took about a minute of deep breaths and breaths to take the first step towards the bedroom door, but with each step it seemed to get easier to put one foot in front of the other, easier to breathe, easier to believe that whatever the answers are, I can accept them.

Victor

It's beautiful, the water, the sunset, the waves, the light breeze. Everything was talking and whispering to me with her voice, I could see her eyes on the ocean surface, feel her warmth and smooth skin on the breeze. I never believed that a day would come when I would be sitting alone on the beach and someone's rejection would cause me to feel physical pain like this. A thousand times I'd rather relive the wounds that scarred my back than sit here while the woman I love is in there probably thinking about leaving me right now.

That's not how I wanted Elena to see me. I never thought I could look at her in such a way that I could see such fear in her eyes. I can't believe I reacted like that. The instructor just tried to help her, just that, without second thoughts. But the moment he grabbed the zipper and pulled it, when the beauty of her beautiful back and the smoothness of her skin became visible to his eyes, a white-hot jealousy gripped my throat and my mind was overtaken by the need to get his hands off her, to kill him. If Elena hadn't intervened, I probably would have done exactly that.

It is my fault. Elena doesn't know this part of my life, she doesn't know me like that. She doesn't know, and I didn't say anything, not once, I didn't hint at it, I didn't talk to her. I had to. If, instead of being silent, I had sat down to talk to her, if I had asked her what her father had told her about me, then she would have known, or at least part of it, but enough to understand.

I wish this half of me didn't exist, I wish she was buried, but she is alive, she is just as much a part of me as the man Elena knows, even if only for her. She is the only one who has ever awakened such feelings in me. Before her, I didn't believe in love, I didn't believe in fairy tales, but now, because I was who I am and because I kept silent, I was losing my 'and they lived happily ever after' ending. And I can't do anything but sit and wait and hope.

Now it was too late for conversations, it was too late for confessions, when the fear of me that hung in her eyes was already there. I will never forget her eyes, her expression, when I looked at her and realized it was her. The way she sat in the Jeep on the other end of the seat, looking away from me, the trembling of her hands in her lap that she tried to hide. I'll never forget the feeling when she didn't even look at me as we got out of the jeep and entered the bungalow, the quiet terror in her voice, the uncertainty that I wouldn't give her time when she asked for it.

I lost her before I could win her. Now, no matter what I told her, no matter what I promised her, no matter how I swore, no matter how sincere I was, Elena would not believe a single word I said. After what I read in her eyes, I'm ready to crawl on my knees, I'm ready to beg her, I'm ready to atone for all my guilt, just for one chance to tell her, to explain to her.

Just a chance, that's all I need. Even if she never looks at me again with those beautiful eyes of hers, never smiles at me again. Even if she asks for a divorce when she learns everything. I'm ready to give her everything if I get just one sign of hope from her. And if I get it, if she listens to me, if despite everything I can give her, she decides to leave me, so be it. I will give her freedom, even if it kills me. And yet, even the monster that I am, can't help but hope, can't help but pray to Hell for another chance, can't help but promise the Devil what's left of me, just to have her.

I sensed her even before I heard her approach. Elena acted this way to me, as if her proximity was like a weak electric shock that crawled over my body and made all my hair stand on end and my stomach flutter. I jumped to my feet and apparently startled her, because she stepped back when I turned to her. "Elena, I..." she shook her head, so I shut up and started looking for something on her face, in her eyes, something that would give me the hope I so desperately needed.

"Elena..." I tried again when she said nothing for what seemed like an eternity. "Is that it?" her question came out weak and too quiet, her eyes refused to meet mine and she was standing three feet away from me but at least she was here talking to me and I was glad she spared me the fear in her eyes but I'm dying to sink into her eyes again ,no matter how painful it will be. "Elena..." she looked at me and my breath stopped. At sunset, her hair looked like a flame, her eyes looked as dark as moss, she was so beautiful that I just fell on my knees in front of her.

"Forgive me,my love" I looked up. Victor Craven never got down on his knees. Victor Craven never crawled, never begged, never apologized. What was not done by will, was done with money, with a bullet. This is how I was taught, this is how I was brought up. Emotions are a weakness that I cannot afford, guilt is a bad advisor that makes me weak and susceptible to manipulation. Any uncertainty could mean death. Anyone I care about can be a weapon in the hands of my enemies. And I lived like that, my father made sure that I believed in it and wore it like a second skin.

Until I met Elena. Nothing would stop me from being with her, there's nothing I wouldn't do and can't live with, there's nothing I can't take or give. Just to be with her. I can take her hate, in time I will turn it into love. I can take her fear and melt it away, loving her as I do now. But if she rejects me, if she tells me she wants to leave, nothing I've learned, nothing I've been through will ever compare to tearing my heart out.

"Today...today you scared me, Victor" God, how it hurts. I've never known the pain of words, but today I know coming from her is like barbed wire in an open wound covered in vinegar. "I'm sorry my love, I...the sight of his hands on you...I just reacted" the truth is what can save me. If her father told her about me and now she is standing in front of me, if I lie, if I try to hide, I will lose her completely. But as long as she's ready to talk, there's hope and I'll be damned if I let her go!

"The night before our wedding, my father came to talk to me. He tried to convince me that you were a criminal and a murderer, that you were a monster and I shouldn't marry you, he told me disgusting things. Your reaction...that, what did you do with that man...Victor, I need to know how many of the stories and rumors are true?" I could see how difficult it was for her to say all this, I could see how a war was being waged in her eyes whether to believe me or not. So her father told her, I hoped not, but now there was no point in denying it.

I sighed and sat back on my heels, feeling unnatural in this submissive position. But to her, it didn't matter. "I don't know how much you know exactly, but everything your father told you is probably true" I replied quietly and she dropped to her knees, her hands flying up to cover her mouth and her eyes filled with fear and tears. "Elena!" I reached for her, looking at her like that is scarier than dying. "No, my love, just don't cry, anything but don't cry!" I tried to touch her, to hold her hands, crawling in front of her, begging her with tone and look.

I barely managed to touch her elbow and she flew back, shaking her head. My hand froze in midair. I felt a searing pain in my chest as I watched her struggle to stay away from me. "Elena, my love, I would never hurt you!" I tried to get closer, her gaze did not leave me, as if she is looking at an animal that is ready to fuck her and it hurts, God, how it hurts. "Listen to me, my love, I'll tell you everything, I'll answer every question, only with the truth, just listen to me, give me a chance, Elena, I swear, I'll never hurt you, I never would!" I reached out to her pleadingly and she flinched, but at least she didn't pull away again, which meant she was at least willing to listen.

"Are you...going to tell me....everything?" she sobbed, her huge frightened eyes like those of a chased rabbit. If she had come to talk, she probably thought she was ready for my answer, but she probably didn't expect me to confirm her fears, which only returned her horror of me. "Everything, my love, I swear" I answered a little more insistently and she nodded. And that's something. "Let's go inside my love, I'll make you some tea or coffee and answer any question you ask me, okay?" she just nodded again, and although when I stood up and tried to help her up, she again pulled away and wouldn't let me touch her, she still followed me into the bungalow.

"Where do you want me to start?" Elena was sitting on one end of the sofa, with her legs under her and a cup of tea, while I was sitting on the other end, facing her, agonizing over how close she was and I couldn't touch her. "From the beginning" her hysterical fear was gone, but her eyes, her expression, her voice, she was scared, so scared she'd probably have a gun pointed at me if she had one.

"Okay, let it be from the beginning" I sighed, I put down my cup of coffee and looked at her. "It all started with my grandfather, I think somewhere in his mid 20's or 30's. He was an orphan, he lived on the streets and stole for a living" Elena listened to me carefully, her eyes hypnotized me as I dug up memories of my family history . "One day he ran into the wrong person. At that time, mobsters were easily recognizable, their faces decorated the walls with 'Wanted' inscriptions above their names" I could see how with every word I said, Elena seemed to imagine the picture, the streets, the people, it was so beautiful that I was itching to kiss her, which would probably be a mistake right now.

"That's how it all started. The man offered a job to my grandfather, who grew up as a mafia contractor, got married and in the sixties my father was born. When he was fifteen, my grandfather decided it was time to bring him into the business, but my father was ambitious, unlike my grandfather, for that time he was far more broad-minded, his understanding was not so stunted. My father was aware that as a mafia contractor, he had power, so he took advantage. He knew that the skills value, mind is power. My father built Craven Groups, started laundering money, instead of the mafia paying underlings, this gave him a new position and more power. Money buys everything, it is a power that has been proven over the years" I paused, for to take a breath without taking my eyes off Elena.

"The harder my father worked and the higher he rose, the more legal the Craven Group business became. My father opened department after department, started with the production of medical drugs, opened a laboratory to use as a front for the production of drugs. He started to sell them, conquering larger and larger territories, manipulating the high-ranking, reaching the top positions. I was ten when he started training me" Elena's eyes became huge, I could see how regret that my childhood was taken away began to fighting her fear and suspicion. I'm not a good person, I did a lot to have her, if she wants to feel sorry for me for something I'm not sorry for, fine.

"The scars on my back, the ones I told you were from a motorcycle accident?" she nodded and I shrugged. "It was a lie. Not the part with the bikes, but the scars. My father thought that pain was toughening, helped a man overcome the influence of his feelings and forget them. I spent days, sometimes a week, locked in a cage, regularly whipped until I passed out consciousness until I became the man my father wanted" her eyes filled with tears, a soft 'dear god' escaped her lips and she clutched the glass tightly.

"Time passed, my father was never a man who cared about others, he got what he wanted one way or another. I grew up being taught the same, one of my father's mistresses killed my mother, when I was about sixteen, it was she decided that this way she would make my father marry her. My parents never loved each other, their marriage was arranged and once, as soon as the heir was born, the two remained married but lived separate lives. Thus, my father's mistress was my first kill. Although he didn't love my mother, she was a Craven, and to touch a Craven was punishable by death. Anyway, I did it, I knew how, I had the skills, I was part of the business, in about three years I became my father's right hand, after two more, he declared me the heir. I've been in charge for about ten years now, in that time I've killed a lot of people, raised the Craven Groups to the top, I even work with the army. All the stories, the rumors, they are true, but besides my people, you are the only one alive who can prove it" I finished and waited for her answer.

A few long silent minutes passed, Elena didn't take her eyes off me, but I could literally see the wheels in her mind turning as she processed what she heard. "Your father, where is he?" she asked quietly after a while and I shrugged. "He died about seven years ago, in the bed of one of his lovers" Elena gasped. I know how it sounds, I also know that while I was telling her, I sounded like a bad book reader who can't get into the images and remains indifferent to the story itself. But nothing in my family touched me emotionally, nothing connected us, except blood and name.

"If...if we stay together, is this what our lives will be like? Once I give birth to an heir, we will both live separately? And you will turn our child into a...murderer?" I moved closer to her, I took the cup of tea from her hands and put it next to mine on the table, I took her hands in mine and kissed them. "My father was a monster, callous, hungry for power and control. I'm not much different, Elena, when I proposed to you, I told you I'd be the beast in your fairy tale, but Elena, I have no intention of living life with you, like my father with my mother" I assured her and moved even closer, as if I was approaching a frightened animal that I am trying to calm down.

"I want to take care of you, I want to make you happy, Elena, I don't just want an heir, I want children who are happy, to meet me running to me with open arms, followed by their smiling mother, not an empty vestibule and quiet house. I want a family and a home, Elena" the corners of her lips turned up slightly, but she was still unsure and scared and quickly hid it. "I'm not going to lie to you,my love,I can't give up this way of life,thanks to my dad I'm in a position right now,that would keep my family safe,but if I decide to give it up,on our heels will be anyone,who thinks that by killing me will achieve something" her brows sunk, these were not the words she wanted to hear,but they were the truth, cruel and cold,but true.

"What are you telling me, Victor?" she asked and I took a deep breath. "I'm saying that I want to spend my life with you, Elena, as husband and wife, to have a real marriage with you, not to try to fill an emotional void like my father, moving from one bed to another, each time with a different woman. I want my children to love me, I want you to love me, and I swear, as scary as it sounds, I can protect my family. I can give you so much, Elena, I can give you everything! The man you met in the last three weeks, this is the man who wants to live with you, if you give him a chance, if you think you can accept the darkness, together with me, I'm yours, Elena!" I passionately clasped her hands and leaned towards her, resting my forehead on hers.

"You have enemies, Viktor" she sobbed and I nodded, locking her gaze. "I have, but I know how to keep them away from you, if they could do anything they would have done it already,my love" I assured her and she closed her eyes with a sigh. "Why...why didn't you tell me this before, Victor, before we got married?" that was the question, on that answer probably depended her decision whether or not to stay with me.

"I don't know, I was sure Nicholas would make sure to enlighten you for me. When you didn't mention anything, when you didn't ask, I just kept quiet. On the one hand, I thought you already knew and accepted it, but you didn't want to deepen what you learned on the other hand, you were so absorbed in the wedding, and then so happy, and since I wasn't sure how much or what exactly you knew, I didn't want to spoil your happiness. I didn't expect to be so jealous, Elena, I'm surprised myself, but never ....I've never felt this way about another woman.I can't promise you that it won't happen again, or that it won't be systematic every time someone tries to touch you, but as I for you, so and you are the first for me in many ways" her cheeks flared up, such a charming blush that I couldn't help it, no matter if she would hate me or not, I grabbed her face and kissed her.

"I know my way of life is dangerous my love" I continued as I pulled away. "But I can protect you. I want you to give me a chance to find out where our marriage will go, Elena. I want to teach you so much, I want to see you blossom, to see you through your first pregnancy and through all the others after that, as I hold your hand, I want to see you grow more confident, to show you what I can do for you, for you, if only you think you can accept me as I am and give me just one chance?" I gave my all, I put all my love for her in this last request of mine, I told her everything, now the rest depends only on her.

"You want a family? A real one?" she whispered and I smiled. "With you, more than anything" I nodded. "And children?" she sucked on her bottom lip. "As much as you agree to give birth!" here she smiled, wide and shy. "And you won't cheat on me?" I shook my head vigorously. "I'd rather die than see you look at me with hate again" not that she wasn't looking at me with fear right now, but the hate is on a whole other level.

"I...I'll need time" I took a deep breath and pulled away slightly, kissing her hands. "I'll give you as much time as you want" I assured her and she nodded. "Victor, I...if I accept...all of this..." her chest puffed out and this time she was the one who moved closer. "I want everything, Victor. I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. I want a home, I want my husband to come home at night after work and spend the nights in our bed, in my bed. I want to have children, many children, to we read stories,kiss them goodnight,I want garden birthdays,with clowns,balloons and ponies.I want my children to be able to choose what they will be when they grow up.Can you give me that?" my heart beat faster and faster with every word she said, with every question that I took as a promise for the future.

"I swear, Elena. I won't promise that I won't show aggression, because that's who I am, that's how I grew up, but if you think you can live with it, for God's sake, Elena, I'll make you as many babies as you want, I'll buy a whole bloody stable and I'll teach the fucking ponies to dance if I have to! Anything you want my love, no matter what it is, you'll have it, I swear!" her tears flowed, she was laughing and sobbing, threw herself on my neck and started kissing me and my God, I adore this woman!