I ALWAYS HEARD DANA BEFORE I SAW HER. She came rushing to me during the lunch crowd, attacking me from behind as usual.

      "You walk so small, and it's so adorable," she said, pinching the air like they were supposed to be my cheeks.

      I just smiled. "Thanks, I guess."

      "Anyways, what's happening with you and your mom?" she asked. "I remember you texting me about it last night, but you didn't really go into detail. Do I need to kick her ass?"

      I shrugged, not knowing where to begin. Yesterday night, when Ashton dropped me off at my house, it was calm, but the tautness from earlier remained. Mom went out like she usually did after we fought. And I was positive we would avoid each other for however long we needed to cool off, and soon, we'd fall back into our method of a hi-bye relationship.

      But I was fuming at the performance she pulled.

      I didn't want Ashton to know I had dilemmas at home, notably with her. It was embarrassing. Our relationship just took off, and it was almost shattered faster than glass. I truly liked Ashton, and I craved for this to work. Establishing a better connection before I informed him about my roadblocks was crucial. I had to have the right start that I didn't get with Calum because I couldn't bear to have another failed love on my behalf.

      To Dana, I just sighed. "Honestly I—"

      My words were clipped off by Michael. "Yo!" he said, signaling to us.

      Dana and I cut our conversation short, and she shifted to me, groaning. "We seriously need a girl's night," she said, and I agreed.

      We made our ways towards Michael, and Dana huddled to him like a baby penguin. "The guys are still in line waiting on Calum. He's trying to persuade the lunch lady to give him more fries," he said.

      Dana laughed while I said, "Knowing Calum's skills in persuasion, she'll probably do it."

      And sure enough, when Dana and I gathered at the table after getting our food, an extra tray of fries rested on Calum's blue tray. We both shook our heads.

      I sat next to Ashton while Dana was on my right. She initiated the conversation as usual.

      "Guess where I'm going for Christmas break?" she asked, eagerly, chomping on her apple. She gave herself a drumroll, and we all gazed at her expectantly. "California!" she nearly screamed, which gained us some stares from the table adjacent to us.

      "Ah, dope," Luke said. "You should bring me some sand in a jar with a gold seashell."

      "Ooh, I want the weirdest hat you can find from the airport shops," Calum said. "Like, one that'll get stares."

      Luke snorted. "That would be hilarious. Imagine walking around the mall with it on."

      While they all dashed out ridiculous things they could get from the Golden State, Ashton and I chatted amongst ourselves. Our rhythm fused perfectly thanks to last night. Everything and anything was said. I shared how Calum and I became friends. I also finally opened up about my dad and my life before he passed—attempting to concentrate on the good and not the haunting memories of his murder. It was a different story for another time.

      "Do you have anything planned for the break?" I asked, swiping one of my carrots in the ranch.

      "I haven't got anything set in stone," he said, "but I was hoping to put in more work hours. I'm trying to keep busy because I know next semester will take a chunk of my free time."

      "True, there's so much going on."

      "What about you?" he asked. "Planning on chilling?"

      I rolled my eyes, dreading what I prepared. "Quite the opposite, actually," I said. "Like you, I'm putting myself to work. And by work, I'm studying. I made a schedule last night, and I was up until like two in the morning."

      Truthfully, I had cold feet for the next semester. All the finals, state tests, and the overall uncertainty of what high school—and life—had to offer made me weary. Setting those aside, I also had the Spring Festival to organize, prom to attend, college applications to think about, and every other life-changing moment going on during my final months. Not to mention my state of mind that might cause mountains.

      See, I was looking at the bigger picture here.

      "The pressure is going to be thick, especially since four other people are climbing for the same spot I'm trying to achieve," I continued saying. "I'm going to be studying like a mad man."

      "Smart people amaze me," he said with a light laugh. "You guys have this tunnel vision kind of focus. Like, all the time. And you seem to know how to do everything in every way. It's insane."

      "Don't sell yourself short," I said, nudging him. "Intelligence comes in many different ways. Book smarts come with practice and determination that not everyone pushes for, and even with that is varied. I want to be valedictorian for the sake of proving myself while Luke may have different intentions." I gazed at the table and chuckled. "And then there are people like you and Calum. Sure, maybe you guys weren't straight-A students since you were four, but that doesn't mean you're not a diligent thinker. You guys make me stumble with the way your brain works. It's refined—august even. And I believe that level of agility is something to be envious of."

      "Wow," was all he said after a few moments.

      I laughed, realizing how many words just spewed out of my mouth. "Sorry. I didn't mean to ramble."

      "Don't apologize," he said. "I like your words."

      I hid my smile as I felt my arm being poked. "Hm?" I said to Dana.

      "Wanna come over Friday?" she asked. "I leave Sunday, and I want to hang with you before then."

      I mentally checked my schedule. "Sounds good," I said, knowing I was free.

      Seconds later, my bladder suspended the rest of my carrot feast. It was probably for the best anyway. With the amount I ate, I wouldn't have been surprised if I became orange.

      "I'll be back," I told Ashton. "Gotta pee."

      As my little legs navigated through the cafeteria, someone from behind ruffled the top of my head. I turned and saw Randy with Lucas Braswell.

      "Paisa!" Randy said, beaming down at me.

      I returned his smile because it was so freaking infectious. "Hi, Randy," I said, hardly audible since the lunchroom thundered with over two hundred voices.

      Lucas and I weren't all that acquainted so we merely nodded in acknowledgment of one another. Randy kept his hand on my head like he was escorting me. "Where ya going?" he asked.

      "Bathroom," I said. "Where are you going?"

      "Hell," he said, and I laughed.

      "Sure."

      "Anyway, I kind of wanted to talk to you, but you were around Ashton and Calum," he said, and I raised my eyebrow. "Kind of got nervous."

      "Nervous?" I said, my voice now echo-y in the naked hallways. We settled by the lockers, and I chuckled. "Why?"

      "I just get this feeling that you're off-limits when they're around you," he said, hurrying his words. "Anyways, what I wanted to say was that we should hang sometime."

      I peeped over at Lucas, who was just gawking at the ground before facing Randy again. "You want to hang out ... with me?"

      "That is what I said, right?"

      I folded my arms. "I just ... I mean, like, why? Like, what's your motive here?"

      He shrugged. "You seem interesting. I like interesting people."

      Then, Lucas tapped Randy and pointed to his gold watch. "Gotta go," Lucas said.

      Randy rolled his eyes. "You know, you remind me more of my mom than my best friend." Then, to me, "Anyway, it was just a thought. I'll catch you later, tiger." Then, he whirled around to leave.

      I observed his interplay with Lucas for several more seconds before my bladder wakened up again. And as soon as I began walking away, the sensation of Randy's eyes on me was evident until I hit the bathroom door.

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

      A gust of wind swept my hair back as Ashton and I strolled along the streets, drinking milkshakes. We decided to continue exploring each other's "inner selves", per Ashton's words.

      We're reading each other's terms and conditions.

      "So, I was thinking we could get a little deeper today," he said.

      I grimaced but nodded reluctantly. "I did say that you call the shots here," I said and took a long breath. "Okay, whatcha got for me today?"

      "Past relationships."

      I wasn't sure if my brain freeze was from the milkshake or the feasible issues of this conversation. Nonetheless, I tried not to reveal how apprehensive I was, but I think I failed miserably because Ashton chuckled.

      "You look like you're withering away," he said, his curly hair causing a ruckus with the breeze. "How about this. Since you look like you're about to piss your pants"—I shot him a look—"I'll go first so you'll feel less embarrassed."

      Surprisingly, that made me feel more at ease. And now reflecting on it, Ashton's love-life was now an interest of mine. He was attractive, so I had my doubts he'd been a lone wolf all these years.

      "Okay," I said, still feeling the horror of what I would have to share.

      "Alright," he sighed. "So before you, in total, I've been with five girls."

      I almost spit out my drink, but I didn't want him to think I was judging him. "Five," I said. "That's not bad, considering you were here since freshman year."

      "You think so?" he said. "Just yesterday, Luke was taunting me about being a womanizer. Jokingly, of course, but Calum, at Homecoming, kind of insinuated it too. I mean, it didn't affect me, but it was thought-provoking."

      "Were all the girl's just flings or something?" I asked.

      "Only three, and they barely lasted two months," he said. "But the other two last for more than six months."

      I rolled my eyes. "How dare you let them disrespect you like that," I said with a laugh. "Don't worry. I'll make sure to smack both of them later."

      He began to share with me who they were, and I recognized a few of them I had classes with before. They were all kind girls from what I remembered, which said a lot about Ashton's character. And they remained respectful towards each other afterward, he told me.

      "That's nice," I said. I hated break-ups that ended poorly or became so awkward that they never spoke again. Friends to lovers and then back to friends was always great to hear.

      "So, how about you?" he asked after some breaths passed.

      I envisioned the angels and devils on my shoulders.

      One: I could go back to being a shut door.

      Two: I tell him that I have been in a previous relationship but not tell him it was Calum, which meant being a cracked door with the chain on the top.

      Or three: I could fling the door ajar and tell Ashton everything with the chance of him being upset and changing his mind about stepping into my threshold.

      The angel never appeared.

      Ashton glanced at me with a chuckle. "Your silence is a bit worrying."

      All or nothing, I thought and inhaled before choosing my words. "We swore that we would take this to our graves, but I feel like, now, it would be lying if I didn't tell you," I said.

      He was silent for several moments. "Think we should sit?" he asked, and I nodded meekly.

      We spotted a cafe nearby and took a booth towards the back. A gnawing feeling crept up on me, and it was nail-biting. I stared at the table, attempting to occupy myself.

      Ashton clutched my hand and offered me a supportive smile. "Hey, stop acting like you've dated Hitler or something," he said. "I'm sure it's nothing to stress over, and at the end of the day, I'm still going to choose you, okay?"

      Taking in another breath, I decided to rip off the band-aid. "CalumandIusedtodate," I launched out, not sure if he understood what I said. I shut my eyes, reluctant to face him, and coiling into my standoffish ways.

      He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates—

      "Ah," he said with a sigh I couldn't comprehend. "Now I see."

      I popped open one eye, wanting to see his reaction, but he was peering out of the window. Our hands remained hugged together, and he displayed no interest in letting go. But his stillness destroyed me.

      I didn't like the notion of taking risks on things I couldn't predict the outcome. It made me anxious. Lying, though, wasn't the best resort either, which I knew. I assumed it would keep me and the other person safe, but nine times out of ten, it just hurt both of us.

      I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Ashton?" I whispered, wondering if he could feel my hands trembling. "I'm breaking on the inside. Please, tell me what's on your mind."

      "How long were you guys together?" he asked almost immediately.

      "Eight months," my voice wobbled.

      Ashton closed his eyes. "I'm not mad," he said. "Just a little hurt that it took you this long to tell me."

      "The only thing I can offer you is a sorry, and I find that so pathetic of me," I said honestly. My words were drowning me. "I mean, this situation happens so much, and it's literal crap. There's never an excuse, and finding one would make me even worse of a person than I already am. So, I completely understand if you want to end things with me."

      Ashton's hazel-green eyes bored into mine, and tears accumulated in my own because of how affectionate and forgiving they were.

      "I didn't realize how frail you actually are," he said. "For some reason, I thought you had a rock-hard soul, but now I know: you're paper-thin."

      Silence crowded us as I sought to find space for my voice, but I was trapped.

      "And I'm not saying that in a bad way," Ashton continued saying, "but it is nice to know you can fall apart just like the rest of us. I'd say it makes me like you more. Sure, maybe you're not one hundred percent honest with everything, no one is, but you have a conscience. And I can tell you feel really guilty about this. So much to the point where you start to depreciate yourself, which makes me wonder why you jumped to that so quickly. It was almost automatic, and that's concerning. Why do you do that?"

      Being called out about something I wasn't aware of doing forced me to recoil into a silent state. All I could do was stare at him blankly and say, "I don't know."

      He somewhat smiled, which puzzled me. "See," he said. "That's why I'm not mad at you or this situation because I feel like you've been hurt way too many times by things you've done and were blamed for. And I'm not going to blame you for this. You met Calum long before I even knew you, so why should I be upset at the fact that you two were in love. It would be selfish of me to leave you because I didn't understand the works of falling in love, don't you think?"

      He had a point, like when Calum wasn't upset with me for kissing Ashton. Love molded in ways humans could understand, and I got two that knew that. It was crazy what luck I had.

      A tear slipped from my eye. "I'm really sorry, Ashton," I said. "I swear on a thousand lifetimes I'll try to be the best person ever. I owe it to you."

     "You don't have to owe me anything, Val," he said with sincerity. "As long as you're honest with me and stay true to yourself, that's perfectly fine, okay? So, don't cry."

      I nodded and dried my eyes. "You won't believe how much I cry daily, so this is nothing," I said, laughter breaking out of me.

      Ashton didn't respond, but his expression turned down, addled, and I realized how depressing that was. But instead of saying more on it, I just smiled, trying to let him know everything was fine. And after the heavy air cleared up and we chatted about other things, he drove me home.

      Stepping in and seeing Mom passed out drunk with glass bottles everywhere, I groaned. As I worked to take her to her bed, I noticed she was clutching onto a picture of Dad. Tears stained Mom's cheeks even while sleeping, and I could only blink my own away. I placed the photo next to her and spread a blanket around her petite frame.

      Progressing to my room, worn, I realized I would have to wake up tomorrow and pretend to be okay all over again. A surge of melancholy loomed over me, making it impossible to close my eyes.

      I didn't want to trouble Calum after my talk with Ashton because it felt wrong. And then, everything necessarily wrong with my life popped up in fragments. And only until my hands were black and blue and my arms had that familiar burning sensation was I able to calm down.

      I cried myself to sleep that night.

: : : : : : : : : : : :

WOOOOOOO, I'M MAKING PROGRESSS! Anyway, STORY TIME.

So, tell me why me and my sOuLmaTe were at the mall, and we were in line at an ice cream place, and there was this kid crying and being loud lol. So, my friend was like "oh my god, shut that kid up," something along the lines of that, and I was like "someone needs to put a muzzle on it." (you know, jut being the terrible people we are). BUT TELL ME WHY THE KID'S MOTHER WAS THE LADY IN FRONT OF US OHMYGOOOOOODDDDD. LITERAL JAW DROPPING, EMBARRASSING MOMENT. 

We're awful.

Anyway, how's your big toe?

Bye!