D E N V E R

I was on my way home from Parañaque when my phone started ringing and Madeline's number suddenly appeared on my screen. Having not seen her name pop up on my phone for literally weeks now, I immediately stopped at the roadside and answered her call.

"Dhie..." She was crying. I'm sure of that. "Dhie, I miss you."

And she's drunk-calling me.

Great.

"Where are you? Who are you with?" I asked with a sigh. "Is Pat there? Can you hand her the phone?"

They always like to get wasted together. It's what they call a girl's night out and what Axl, Brent, and I call the chaos before the storm.

Mads gets the worst hangovers and she doesn't even remember anything in the morning. Her memory just miraculously wipes itself clean, which is a good thing because then she won't have to feel embarrassed for all the stuff she did the night before. That falls on me, because I remember everything. Literally.

"I'm not with Pat. I'm with Warren. Remember, Warren?" she asked groggily. "Your... bandmate."

Warren? Since when did I have a bandmate named Warren?

"Madeline—"

"Oh, here he is!" Mads exclaimed. "Warren, I'm talking to Denver," she said, obviously talking to the guy.

"Mads—" Narinig ko nang kuhanin ni "Warren" ang cellphone mula kay Madeline at saka pinatay 'yon. Kahit pangalan lang ni Mads ang binanggit niya ay sapat na 'yon para makilala ko ang boses niya at matukoy kung sino siya.

Napahigpit ang kapit ko sa manibela at hindi mapigilang makaramdam ng naghalong inis at pagkabahala. "Tangina mo, Von..."

I stepped on the gas pedal with a sinking feeling in my stomach, taking the exit leading to his place. I want to pretend that I have no idea why they're together. But I know Mads. I know Von. And I sure as hell know what shit is up.

I was parked in front of his house ten minutes later. I dialled Madeline's number and she answered on the fifth ring.

"H-Hello?" She sounds like she just woke up.

"I'm here out front. I'll take you home. Mapapagalitan ka ng mama mo."

"Dhie?" she asked in confusion as if she already forgot that she was just talking to me a couple of minutes ago. But then again, she always forgets.

"Oo. Bumaba ka na. Ihahatid kita pauwi."

"But I don't wanna go home."

"Pakausap kay Von."

"Von?"

"Kay Warren."

"Oh. Why?"

"Just hand him the goddamned phone, Madeline."

"Geez. What's with the attitude?" She scoffed.

But seconds later and it was already Von who was holding her phone, speaking on the other line.

"D-Denver," he whispered. He was nervous, that's for sure. But why would he be? Unless he knows I just caught him in something he shouldn't be doing.

"Nandito ako sa tapat niyo. Pakihatid sa 'kin si Madeline."

"Den—"

"Ngayon na, Von."

Bumuntonghininga siya at hindi na sumagot. Maya-maya lang ay pinatay na niya 'yong tawag at makalipas ang ilang minuto ay nakita kong naglalakad na palabas ng bahay nila, kasama si Mads.

"She... I... She drank too much," he explained, his bottom lip quivering.

"Ano bang ininom niyo?"

"Ano, gin lang."

"Malakas 'to sa gin," bulong ko, habang inaalayan si Mads sa likod ng kotse. "Pero kapag nag-chaser ka ng pineapple juice, malalasing 'to."

"Pa'no mo alam?" nagtatakang tanong niya.

Tinulungan niya akong ihiga sa Mads sa likod ng kotse, sinisigurong maayos ang puwesto niya bago isinara ang pinto.

"She used to be mine. Of course, I know."

Hanggang sa makarating kami sa bahay nila ay tulog lang si Madeline sa likod. Pinindot ko muna ang door bell sa tabi ng gate nila, at nang makita ako ng nanay niya na sumilip mula sa bintana ay madali itong lumabas at sinalubong ako.

"Diyos ko, Denver!" suway ni Tita Maan. "Sabi ko naman sa 'yo, huwag kayong magpapagabi na dalawa! Anong oras na? May mga pasok pa kayo bukas!"

"Sorry po, Tita," agad na paumanhin ko habang inaalalayan si Mads palabas ng kotse.

Base sa naging reaksyon ng nanay ni Mads, tingin ko hanggang ngayon ay hindi niya pa rin alam na wala na kaming relasyon ng anak niya.

"Oh, sige." Tango ni Tita Maan. "Ikandado mo na lang 'yong pinto kung uuwi ka, ah? Ikaw na ang bahala riyan kay Madeline at ako ay matutulog na. Maaga pa ang flight ko mamaya."

Madalas akong makitulog sa kanila noon. Isa o dalawang beses sa isang linggo lalo na kung maraming kailangang tapusin na report si Mads. Kung hindi ko kasi siya babantayan ay wala siyang magagawa at magse-cellphone lang magdamag.

"Dhie..."

"Stop calling me that," saad ko pagkapasok namin sa loob ng kwarto niya.

Hindi ko na maalala kung kailan ako huling nakatapak dito. Pakiramdam ko ay hindi kami naghiwalay dahil kabisado ko pa rin ang lahat. Kung nasaan ang switch ng ilaw, kung nasaan ang mga gamot niya, at maging kung saan niya tinatabi ang mga gamit niya sa tuwing dinadatnan siya.

Kabisado ko pa rin ang kwarto niya gaya ng pagkabisa ko sa kaniya.

"Are you still mad?" mahina niyang tanong habang hinahalungkat ko ang kanang drawer niya upang painumin siya ng pampatulog. Kung hindi ko kasi gagawin 'yon ay hindi na siya makakapagpahinga ulit hanggang sa mag-umaga.

Mabilis akong umiling. "Humiga ka, mahihilo ka."

"Dhie, I'm sorry..."

Mads never cries. I have only seen her do so maybe once or twice in our entire relationship, which is why I am feeling extremely uncomfortable now that she's weeping next to me.

"If you want to... be in a band... that's fine. I'll learn to be okay with that," she said. "I just don't want you to give up the chance of becoming... more."

I inhaled a lot of breath and kept my mouth shut. We have been through this before and I don't want to go through it again.

"Dhie, I'm talking to you," she whined.

"You're just drunk, Madeline."

"Yes, I'm drunk!" she agreed. "I'm drunk and I'm telling you that I love you."

I swallowed hard at her proclamation but didn't get my eyes off her medicine drawer.

"Tomorrow, I'll be sober," she whispered. "But guess what? I'll be sober and I'll still love you, Denver. I still—"

"I didn't break up with you because I no longer love you," I interjected, knowing she'll forget this conversation ever happened.

I finally got my hands on her bottle of sleeping pills, so I carefully removed the lid and took a single capsule. Then, I walked to her personal fridge and grabbed her purple water bottle.

"Then why did you?" she asked when I sat beside her and dropped the pill on her waiting hand.

My eyes met her glassy ones. She's so beautiful, I never actually learned how to look away. And just like that, I almost wanted to forget what my reason was. Almost.

"You were so close to killing my fire," I whispered. "Mads, I was dumb crazy for you."

"And how is that a bad thing?" she asked innocently before drinking the pill and gulping it down with water.

"Because I was so close to letting you," I admitted.

Her forehead creased as she looked at me with a slightly annoyed expression on her face. "And how is that a bad thing, Dhie?" she repeated. "I'd do the same for you. If the situation was reversed, I would give up everything for you if you asked me to."

I forced a smile. I don't know why I expected her to understand. Perhaps I thought that the time we spent away from each other was enough to convince her how much my music means to me. Apparently, I was mistaken.

"Hmm. I think you got one thing wrong," I said, getting the water bottle from her and walking across the room to put it back in the fridge.

I watched her from a few feet away. Counting the time in my head and knowing exactly when she would close her eyes and when I would hear her soft snore which just means that she had already fallen asleep.

Four minutes and seventeen seconds.

"If the situation was reversed... I would never ask you to give up anything for me," I whispered, pulling her blanket up to her shoulders before quietly and finally leaving her room.

That night, I headed home with a heavier heart. I shouldn't have come when she called.

I'm telling you that I love you.

I'm telling you that I love you.

I'm telling you that I love you.

Her voice kept playing in my head like a nightmare I can't wake up from.

I don't forget.

I remember. Everything.

And that is my blessing and my curse.