N A M I

"Can we talk?" I heard him say.

Denver with his ever-so-manly voice.

I already knew it cannot be good because people only ask for permission to talk when they know that there is a possibility for the discussion to end badly.

The last time he asked if we could talk was when he admitted to me that he still wasn't over Mads despite already being in a relationship with me.

Now, three years later... and here we are again.

I hugged him even tighter, pressing my head harder against his chest like I have done countless times when we slept together these past years.

"Don't say it," I begged, knowing what's to come. "Don't say it. I don't want to hear it."

"Nami..." he whispered.

I shook my head. "No," I insisted.

"Our time's up—"

"I said don't, Denver!" I cried.

He licked his lips and said in his most soothing tone, "We tried, Nams."

I shook my head profusely. "No," I whispered, sitting up and turning my back on him. "I tried, but you didn't! So, no! I said I don't want to hear it, so, I don't want to hear it!"

He gripped my arm, and I could feel the tremors on his hand caused by his neuropathy.

I don't wanna walk out and leave him like this. He's having a bad night, and he probably missed his meds again.

I let in a lot of breath and tried to calm myself down, but I couldn't stop my tears from falling.

"We had an agreement. A thousand days. We're already at a thousand and nine. We are more than a week overdue," he stated.

I know.

"That agreement means nothing, Denver. You wouldn't have broken up with me two weeks ago," I whispered, facing him. "Bumalik lang naman si Mads kaya nakikipaghiwalay ka ngayon."

He let go of his hold on my arm and let his hand drop on the bed.

"Nami..." he whispered. "Don't waste a thousand more on me."

"I'm not wasting anything on you."

"You are."

"No, I'm not."

"You are, Nams."

"Why can't you just love me back?" I asked him desperately. "Is it really that impossible?"

Our eyes met and he smiled at me sadly. "You know I love you."

I looked away from him. "But it's not enough," I spat out, standing up and wiping my tears. "You will always love her more. No matter what I do, and no matter hard I try... she still owns all of you, and I'm only begging for her scraps."

***

"Sasabihin ko sanang 'alak lang 'yan' pero hindi ka nga pala umiinom," bulong ni Bryan.

Nandito na siya sa hardin at nakaupo sa duyan nang makarating ako.

Alas-dose na ng hatinggabi. Ano pang ginagawa niya rito?

Hindi ako sumagot at umupo na lang din sa katabing duyan upang ipahinga ang katawan ko.

Matagal na kaming parte ng iisang barkada pero hindi kami gaanong nakakapag-usap ni Bryan dahil madalas ay na kay Monica lang ang atensyon niya. Still, I consider him a friend at magaan ang loob ko sa kaniya noon pa man.

"Hindi ka makatulog?" tanong ko.

"Hinihintay ko si Nica," bulong niya.

"Nasaan ba siya?"

Humarap ako sa kaniya at nakita ang pilit niyang pagngiti.

"Pabalik na iyon," sagot niya. "Ikaw? Hindi ka rin makatulog? Namamahay?"

Umiling ako at saka ngumiti sa kaniya. "Kakagising ko lang. Nagpapahangin lang."

Tumango-tango lang siya sa akin at hindi na nagsalita habang pareho kaming nakatingin sa kawalan.

Sa pagkakaalam ko, tatay ni Monica ang nagpapaaral kay Bryan. Graduate na siya noon ng ibang kurso nang pumasok siya sa med school, at hanggang ngayon nga ay nag-aaral pa rin.

"Bry," tawag ko sa pangalan niya.

Humarap siya sa akin at saka naghintay na magsalita ako.

"Kung... may agreement kayo ng isang tao. Like... literal na contract. And then you both agreed to be in a relationship for a thousand days. Valid ba iyon?"

Bahagyang kumunot ang noo niya. "Nalilito ka yata. Med kinukuha ko, hindi Law."

Natatawa akong sumagot, "Nagtatanong lang ako ng opinyon mo. Kunwari, kayo ni Nica. May sinign kayo na contract na 1000 days kayong magkakaroon ng relationship. May mga sinet kayo na rules na bawal kayong maghiwalay during that period and you will only be exclusively seeing each other. Tapos after no'n, if the relationship works out... then you'll get married at exactly 1,111 days post-contract—"

"Nams." Kunot pa rin ang noo niya. "Kayo ba 'yan ni Denver?"

Umiling ako. "No," agad kong pagtanggi. "Haha. That's stupid. Why would I agree to that kind of arrangement—"

"May kontrata rin ako, pero hindi kay Nica," bulong ni Bryan. "Sa magulang niya."

"What kind of contract?" I asked.

Ngumiti siya sa akin — iyong totoong ngiti at hindi iyong nagpapanggap lang. "Bawal kong sabihin, eh. Nasa kontrata rin." Tawa niya. "Normal na siguro 'yon sa inyong mayayaman. Mahilig kayo sa kontrata para siguradong hindi kayo lugi."

"What do you mean?"

"Kapag may kontrata, may panghahawakan ka," aniya. "May kasunduan kayo at mayro'n kang kasiguraduhan na pareho kayong tutupad sa usapan na iyon."

"I know. I know," I answered. "But what if nga, the contract states a thousand days lang—"

"Eh 'di, isang libong araw lang, Nami," pirming sagot ni Bryan. "Nasa inyo na ni Denver iyon kung itutuloy niyo pa, pero kung ako ang tatanungin mo, sana hindi ka pumayag."

Huminga ako nang malalim at saka umiwas ng tingin sa kaniya. "It was my idea."

Natahimik siya.

"It was my stupid idea. Oh, my god." Napasapo na lang ako sa noo ko. "Ang tanga ko. Why did I even come up with that?"

I thought I could make Denver fall in love with me within a thousand days. He was broken and I wanted to fix him.

I was over the moon when he agreed to sign that stupid contract. All I knew was that he and I would be in a relationship for a thousand days. And back then, that was all I ever wanted.

But now... a thousand days later... and I want more.

Hindi na sapat sa akin ang isang libo lang. Gusto ko ng isang libo pa.

If Mads waited a few more months before she came back, I'm certain Denver would have already proposed to me.

Why did she even have to return?

She only ruined everything.

May awa sa mga mata ni Bryan nang muli siyang tumitig sa akin. Sinuri niya ang mukha ko at saka tahimik na bumulong, "Tinatapos niya na ba?"

"Sabi niya... overdue na raw kami nang nine days."

"Nakikipaghiwalay na siya?"

"I don't know, Bry. It seems like it."

"Gusto mo pa ba?"

"Of course, I do. I love him!"

"Mahal ka ba niya?"

"Sabi niya... oo."

"Naniniwala ka?"

Umawang ang bibig ko at napatitig na lang din ako sa mga mata ni Bryan.

Nakita ko na ang iba pang mga kapatid ni Sasha, pero si Bry iyong pinakagwapo. Maputi siya at mestiso ang hubog ng mukha. Hindi na nakapagtatakang sa kaniya napunta si Monica.

Tumango ako.

"Hindi naman ako magtatagal nang ganito kung hindi ko nararamdaman na may pag-asa at mahal niya rin ako," pag-amin ko. "Mahal niya ako, eh. Ramdam ko iyon, Bry. Pero—"

"May mas mahal siya." Siya na ang tumapos sa pangungusap ko.

Hindi ako nakaimik.

"Iyong tipong... binibigay mo na lahat. Ginagawa mo na lahat. Handa kang ubusin ang sarili mo, at kung hihingin niya pati atay, baga, at apdo mo... hindi ka magdadalawang-isip na ibigay sa kaniya. Pero kahit anong gawin mo, kulang pa rin," ani Bryan. "May hinahanap siya na wala sa iyo at kahit kailan, hindi mo maibibigay kasi wala ka no'n, eh. Hindi ikaw iyon. Hindi mo mapupunan iyon."

Sa sobrang lalim ng hugot niya ay hindi ko mapigilang isipin na baka nasa parehong sitwasyon lang kaming dalawa.

"Nasaan si Nica, Bry?" muli kong tanong.

Tumaas ang isang bahagi ng labi niya kasabay ng paglipad ng dalawang ibon sa mismong ibabaw namin.

"Nando'n sa mayro'n ng wala ako," mahinahon niyang sagot.

Bryan and I ended up talking for hours.

He is very smart and gives out really great advice.

I opened up to him, and he opened up to me — a bit. I found out that his relationship with Nica is also his first. The same way my relationship with Denver is mine.

Even when Monica is someplace else with someone else, he still wouldn't talk shit about her. And I completely relate because I can't talk shit about Denver, too. Regardless of our circumstances.

"What if he cheated on me?" I asked. "Kasi he was left here with Mads, right? What if they did it?"

"Technically... dahil sa kontrata nakabase ang relasyon niyo. Tapos na kayo no'ng isang linggo pa," sagot ni Bryan.

"So, you're saying that I should be okay even if he tells me he slept with her?"

Natatawang umiling si Bryan. "Ako pa talaga tinanong mo."

"Put yourself in my shoes, Bry. Would you be okay if Nica tells you that she's sleeping with someone else?"

There was a flicker in his eyes that signified I hit a spot.

"Sorry," I immediately apologized. "Sorry, Bry," I whispered remorsefully.

We were both quiet for a while.

The weather was nice and it wasn't too cold. But I found myself wishing I just stayed at home and didn't come here.

"58," biglang bulong ni Bryan.

"Ano iyon?" tanong ko, sabay harap sa kaniya.

"Tinatanong mo ako kung ayos lang ba sa akin. Limampu't walong beses kong hinayaan," aniya. "Iyong ngayon, hindi siya nagpaalam, pero alam ko na naman iyon. Doon lang naman siya pumupunta parati kaya naghihintay na lang ako."

I felt my mouth drop open in shock. "58 times, Bry?" I asked disbelievingly. "Bakit mo pinatagal nang gano'n?"

Mahina siyang tumawa at saka nagkamot ng ilong. "Mahal ko."

Something tugged in my heart just then. If my intuition is correct and Denver really did it with Mads... then I'm already at one.

"Huwag mo nang paabutin ng 58, Nami," bulong ni Bryan.

Rinig ko ang malalim niyang paghinga at ang labis na panghihina sa boses niya.

"Hayaan mong ako na lang ang matirang tanga sa ating dalawa."

***

The sun was already up when I returned.

Denver was still in bed, asleep, his left hand in a brace.

I just watched him sleep peacefully, knowing that this would be the last.

I realized I was selfish for coming up with that contract and tying him to me, even when we both knew that he never really got over her.

In my heart, I know that Denver really tried his best to reciprocate my feelings for him. But if a thousand days wasn't enough, a thousand more wouldn't make much of a difference.

I climbed onto the bed and lay down next to him, putting my head on his arm and wrapping him in an embrace.

We have slept this way so many times over the years. I couldn't sleep without the feel of his arms around me anymore. So on nights when we have to go to bed without each other, I make do with pillows and pretend they're him.

"Nams—"

"Ssshhh," bulong ko. "Maaga pa, matulog ka pa."

"Nami, I'm sorry—"

I hit him lightly on the chest. "Stop it," I whispered. "I know you tried."

"I didn't want to hurt you—"

"I know."

"Nami, please—"

"I'm letting you go."

He stopped talking, then. He wasn't expecting that. He probably crafted some lines in his head to convince me that we should break up, but I got to it first.

"Ibigay mo na sa akin 'to," bulong ko habang nakayakap pa rin sa kaniya. "Let me hold my head high and be the one to end it this time, D."

He ran his hand through my hair and we remained wrapped in each other's arms for a few minutes before he leaned a little and kissed the top of my head.

"Salamat," bulong niya.