M A D E L I N E

"Kahit kailan talaga... ang duwag mo."

Denver froze as soon as he heard the words that came out of my mouth.

Hindi naman puwedeng siya lang ang nagsasabi ng saloobin niya, 'di ba?

Dalawa kaming nag-uusap dito. Dapat ako rin.

"Ang duwag mo. Ang duwag duwag duwag mo," paulit-ulit na bulong ko.

Akala ko ay tapos na kami rito.

Tatlong taon na, eh.

Mas mahaba pa nga iyon kaysa sa itinakbo ng relasyon naming dalawa.

Bakit nandito na naman kami?

Maingat niyang ikinandado ang pinto at saka tahimik na naglakad pabalik sa kama kung saan niya inilapag si Julia.

Narinig ko siyang umupo sa likuran ko at huminga nang malalim.

"Siguro nga," bulong niya. "Duwag ako noon."

Sa sobrang hina ng boses niya ay halos hindi ko siya marinig sa gitna ng malakas na pagbuhos ng ulan.

"Pinakawalan kita. Natakot ako sa maraming bagay. Natakot ako sa pagmamahal na mayro'n ako para sa iyo. Pero hindi na ngayon, Mads."

Lumingon ako sa kaniya at nakitang kuyom ang mga panga niya habang nakatingin sa akin.

"Iiwan ko lahat. Para sa iyo."

Lahat?

"Mads... we can leave. You and me. We can leave all these behind. We don't need anything. We don't need anyone—"

"Denver, ginawa ko na 'yan, eh." Umiling kong pinunasan ang mukha ko. "I already left. I'm already healed. I'm ready to start over again, but not like this—"

"Then tell me what you want me to do. Sabihin mo lang, gagawin ko."

Umiling ako.

"Sabihin mo lang, Mads..." Lumapit siya sa akin at saka lumuhod sa harapan ko para hawakan ang mga kamay ko. "Sabihin mo lang... ilalaban kita."

Umiling ako.

Ayos na ako, eh.

Mahirap... pero inayos ko ang sarili ko nang mag-isa at walang tulong ng iba. Kaya hindi ko alam kung bakit ngayon ay nasasaktan pa rin ako.

"Denver, bakit kailangang sa akin manggaling?" tanong ko.

Tumingala siya sa akin na nangingilid ang luha sa mga mata.

"I shouldn't have to tell you anything. I shouldn't have to tell you to fight for me. I shouldn't have to tell you how to love me. Denver, if you really wanted to, kusa mo na dapat ginawa iyon." Binitawan ko ang mga kamay niya. "And not because I told you to."

"Akala ko ba handa ka nang pakasalan si Nami? Naghihintay ka na lang ng tamang tiyempo, 'di ba?" tanong ko sa kaniya. "So, bakit nagkakaganito ka na naman, Denver? Bakit ganito na naman?"

Habang nakaluhod sa sahig ay inilapit niya ang katawan niya sa akin at saka mahigpit na niyakap ang baywang ko habang nakaupo ako sa gilid ng kama.

"Mads, I am doing okay without you," bulong niya. "I am doing okay, and that is the truth. I am a licensed engineer. My band is successful. I am living the life I have always wanted for myself and I am doing okay."

"But with you, I am more than that," aniya. "I am so much more, Mads. I am more than just okay."

"I used to think you were too much for me. What we had was intense and overpowering and it was too much. I only wanted to play and do well in school. I was not ready for too much."

I swallowed, suddenly taken back to the past.

"Now I have all the things I wanted, but they're not enough. I don't care if I don't become an engineer. I don't care if they kick me out of the band. Mads, you are the high I need in my life. And I'm ready, now. The good. The bad. I want it all. I'm ready for you, now."

Kinagat ko ang ibabang labi ko.

"What about Nami?" I asked.

What about my sister who spent three years of her life loving you?

Humiwalay siya sa akin at saka tumitig sa mga mata ko.

I never realized how much more mature he looked.

He no longer looks like the playful college student he once was. And he has a bit of stubble on his chin which means that he probably hasn't shaved in days.

"I am ready to settle down with Nami. Yes. At gago na kung gago, but that's all it is. Settling."

"Nami... saved me. She did. In a lot of ways. And I will always be grateful that she came in my life. She and I have grown together. And we have grown individually. We have a decent amount of love and respect for each other and we are both prepared to settle on that. But Nami deserves better. She knows that as much as I do."

"In our three years together, I have never been unfaithful to her. I never thought of you. I never dreamt of you. I never talked about you. I erased you from my system completely.

"But, now... it's like the system collapsed and everything that I have been keeping in is forcefully coming out from inside me."

Denver swallowed hard and let out a desperate sigh. "I can't hold it in anymore, Mads. I love you. I love you with my entire being and with all that I am. I love you with every bit of me. I love you with all the love I have in me. And I know it's not gonna be easy because there is so much more at stake. But frankly? I don't fucking care."

"Si Darwin?" pigil-iyak na tanong ko. "What about Darwin, D?"

Denver paused.

"Wala ka rin bang pakialam sa kaniya?"

Denver remained frozen on the floor.

He thought for an entire minute before he finally let his hands fall from my waist and drop onto the bed, defeated.

Three years ago, he wouldn't have hesitated to enumerate the number of reasons why he is better than Darwin.

But times have changed.

Denver knows better now than to pull down on the one person who did nothing but push him up since day one.

Tumayo ako sa kama at saka madaling naglakad palabas ng kwarto nang hindi lumilingon pa.

Parang sasabog ang utak at puso ko.

Kung alam ko lang na ganito ang mangyayari, sana ay nanahimik na lang ako sa Batangas at hindi na nag-abalang magpakita pa.

Dumiretso ako sa hagdan at bumaba pero sa totoo lang ay hindi ko alam kung saan ako dinadala ng mga paa ko.

Mas lumakas ang bagyo kaya't hindi ko magawang lumabas kahit na gustuhin ko pang magpakabasa na lang sa ulan.

"Mads."

Boses ni Tab— Shakira ang narinig ko.

Nang lumingon ako sa kanan ko ay nakita ko siya na prenteng nakaupo sa sala at kumakain ng Kamote Chips.

"You guys fighting?" tanong niya.

Hindi ako sumagot at nilibot na lang ng tingin ang buong sala para maghanap ng iba pang puwedeng mapuwestuhan.

"Come on. You can talk to me," ani Shakira. "I'm not gonna tell anyone cos no one even looks at me here."

Binalik ko ang tingin ko sa kaniya at saka nakita ang malungkot niyang pagngiti.

Hindi ko masisisi ang mga kaibigan ko kung bakit malayo ang loob nila kay Shakira. Pero gaya niya, ilang taon din akong nahiwalay sa lahat. At alam kong gaya ko, ngayon ay gusto na niyang makabawi.

Huminga ako nang malalim at saka umupo sa tabi niya. Agad niya naman akong inabutan ng Kamote Chips at saka nag-indian seat sa sofa para makaharap sa akin.

"Okay. So, I know you broke up years ago and that he already has a girlfriend now. But I can tell that there's still... something... between you two. I just can't put a name on it."

Napangiti ako sa excitement niya. Siguro, pareho rin kaming matagal nang hindi nakakapag-girl talk.

I gave her a detailed summary of the situation I'm currently in. I told her about Nami, about Darwin, and about Denver's recent confession.

Shakira is a very good listener and she just let me talk without interruption. Although she would sometimes nod, shake her head, or furrow her brows whenever I say something that merits a reaction.

"But who do you like more? Denver or his brother?"

"Iyon na nga iyong problema, eh." Buntonghininga ko. "I was so sure it was Darwin. I was so so so sure. But now... I don't know. Litong-lito na ako."

Tumawa si Shakira. "If they were both in the same room, kanino ka lalapit?"

"Kay Darwin," mabilis kong sagot.

"Kasi alam mong lalapit si Nami kay Denver?" Ngisi niya. "But what if walang Nami, Mads? What if... nasa barko sila? Tumaob iyong barko. Lifeguard ka, right? I'm not asking you to save just one. You can save both of them, but the question is... who are you gonna save first?"

Denver.

Because he panics and Darwin doesn't. And of course Darwin would want me to save him first. That will always be his rule. Si Denver muna bago siya.

"Shakira—"

"Oh, my gosh, Mads!" Tawa niya. "I was only joking. I'm still Tabitha. Stop calling me Shakira."

Umawang ang bibig ko.

Hindi ako makapaniwalang napaniwala niya ako.

"Gaga ka!" Tawa ko bago kumuha ng isang throw pillow at saka inihampas iyon sa kaniya. "Akala ko nabaliw ka na talaga!"

"Haha. If I'm ever gonna change my name, I'm not gonna choose Shakira, 'no!"

"Ano lang?"

"Haha. Beyoncé."

"Haha. Gaga ka talaga!"

Sinong mag-aakala na darating ang araw na makakabiruan ko si Tabitha?

I never liked her before. Mas lalo ko pa siyang kinaayawan noong naghiwalay sila ni Brent.

But now?

I guess we both just... grew.

I'm not the type of person to take somebody's past against them.

People learn.

People change.

And I'm happy that Tabitha and I both did.

It's the right decision talking to her because it helped me make up my mind.

I'm gonna go back upstairs and talk to Denver.

Walang mangyayari kung iiwasan ko lang siya at hahayaang maulit ulit ang lahat gaya ng nangyari noon.

Lumayo ako nang tatlong taon, umaasa na pagbalik ko ay maayos ang lahat at maayos na kami.

Pero mali ako.

We are back in the same exact situation I tried my best to run away from.

But I'm not gonna run anymore.

I am not gonna hide.

I am gonna face this, and I will let this end here.

I know now.

And I am certain that I will never again be changing my mind.