M A D E L I N E

We were all about to head home from school when Denver suddenly called for a meeting. It's been a while since the last. We only ever do that when someone has an upcoming birthday, but I don't think anyone of us is about to celebrate our birthday any time soon. I wonder what the matter is.

Denver looks like he just cried. He was staring sullenly at his feet, his voice soft, when he announced that Jolo is sick and that he needs to get surgery.

I thought at first that it was just a prank. I was half-expecting to see Jolo jump on Denver's back and scold him for spreading fake news. The guys loved doing pranks on each other. There is no way Jolo is sick. He is perfect and healthy and okay.

But no Jolo jumped.

No Denver smiled.

And no prank happened.

Pat started crying and Brent left without another word.

Everyone was so confused.

How could this happen to Jolo?

I swear I just saw him last week before he flew to Canada and he was fine. He was him! Just our funny and reliable Jolo.

And now, all of a sudden, he has a brain tumor?

I held my chest and felt my heart beating wildly inside it.

Jolo has become such an important person in our lives. He was friends with the boys first, but he had no trouble befriending us, girls, too. He is friends with everyone. There is not a single soul on Planet Earth who can hate on him.

If he dies, I am a thousand percent certain someone will build a memorial for him.

But, no.

I shouldn't think about that.

I don't pray as much as everyone else, but if that's what it takes for him to get through this, then I will pray every hour of every day.

"Everything fine?" Darwin asked.

I shook my head.

"Tell me what happened."

I did.

I told him everything and by the end of my story, I was already soaking in tears and sniffing on a handful of tissues.

"Claire's Head of Neurosurgery and also board director at the Royal Prince Alfred Hospital. I'll talk to her."

I nodded gratefully. "Thank you."

He glanced at me, then. I probably look like a mess, with make-up all over my face, but Darwin just smiled softly — almost too softly — and whispered, "Don't cry, now."

Do people ever feel like an ice cream? Because I do, now.

I am an ice cream and Darwin is the fucking Sun.

I can feel my entire body melting just by being close to him, and I know that it's not going to do me any good.

If this goes on, I will end up as a puddle of liquid ice cream. But then, I can no longer be called an ice cream because I'm just a puddle. I no longer have any shape or form.

Madeline the puddle. That's who I'm going to become.

Who would want that for themselves?

"What is it now?" Darwin asked.

"What?"

"You're thinking again."

"Ayaw mo bang nag-iisip ako?"

He laughed. "Depende kung anong iniisip mo. Ano bang iniisip mo?"

"Ikaw."

"Haha."

"What?"

"Ako?"

"Oo, ikaw."

"Haha."

"Tawa ka nang tawa. Anong nakakatawa?"

"Ayaw mo bang tumatawa ako?"

"Depende kung anong tinatawanan mo. Ano bang tinatawanan mo?"

He looked at me proudly. "Smart."

Inirapan ko lang siya.

Hindi pa rin ako natutuwa na hindi pa rin lumilipas ang crush ko sa kaniya. Lagpas isang linggo na. Dalawa na nga, yata. Ayaw ko ng ganito.

"Bakit mo nga pala ako laging sinusundo?" walang koneksyong tanong ko.

Hindi ko na maalala kung kailan niya ako unang sinundo sa Dawson, pero simula no'n ay parati na niyang ginawa. Ewan ko ba, tuwing dismissal ay inaabangan ko na rin siya sa labas dahil alam kong darating siya kahit na wala naman kaming napag-uusapan.

"Because I like looking after you."

"Parang... nakababatang kapatid... gano'n?"

He paused. "Not exactly."

"Eh, ano?"

Darwin always has answers. But that one question took him an eternity to respond to.

"I don't really... know for certain..."

Malabo 'yong sagot niya pero naintindihan ko rin 'yon. Sa totoo lang ay hindi ko rin kasi alam ang isasagot kung sakaling ako ang tatanungin niya.

Malabo, pero ayaw ko nang lumalim kung ano man 'to. Ngayon pa lang ay dapat ko nang maitama ang lahat. Habang maaga pa ay dapat nang puksain ang apoy bago pa ito lumaki at kumalat.

"Can you not pick me up tomorrow? I'll just start commuting."

He nodded. "Is that what you want?"

I nodded back. "Yeah."

He nodded again. "Okay, I won't."

For two straight weeks, I never saw Darwin again. We would text every now and then, but it just wasn't the same. I miss being able to talk to him whenever I want. I miss seeing him after school. I miss telling him about my day. I miss hearing him laugh.

I told myself that I will never need a man again, but damn, I just really miss him.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang pumasok sa kukote ko at pinuntahan ko siya sa opisina niya sa Eastwood. Isang buong building ang mina-manage niya kaya't hindi ako nahirapang hanapin 'yon lalo pa at may naka-display na malaking logo ng Romero Group of Companies sa itaas.

Sa ground floor lobby pa lang ay sobrang sosyal na no'ng opisina nila. Hiningian ako ng ID ng receptionist, at nang tanungin kung mayro'n akong appointment ay nagsinungaling na lang ako at sinabing oo.

Nakita ko si Jade na naglalakad papunta sa elevator, pero nang tawagin ko siya ay hindi niya ako pinansin.

"Sorry, Mr. Romero is in a meeting," sambit ng receptionist na bagama't nakangiti ay mataray ang tingin sa akin. "Perhaps you can come back another time?"

"Ah, gano'n ba?" nahihiyang sagot ko. "S-Sige, babalik na lang ako."

Madali akong lumabas ng building at naglakad palayo na parang walang nangyari. Pakiramdam ko ay hindi ako belong sa mundong 'yon. Hindi sila katulad ng ibang mga empleyado ng Romero na nakilala ko.

Hindi sila katulad ni Darwin.

Naglakad ako papunta sa Eastwood Mall at saka pumasok sa loob para maglibot at magpalamig. Ngayon lang ako gumala sa mall nang mag-isa at sa totoo lang ay nakaka-enjoy pala. Puwede akong pumunta kahit saan at puwede kong gawin kahit ano.

Nanood ako ng sine na mag-isa at kumain ng hapunan na mag-isa. Sobrang gaan lang ng pakiramdam ko kahit na sa isip ko ay mas nag-enjoy siguro ako kung kasama ko siya.

Nang makauwi ako ay naabutan ko na lang ang kotse ni Darwin na nakaparada sa tapat ng bahay namin.

Kabado akong tumakbo papunta sa gate, pero naramdaman ko na lang ang kamay niya na kumapit sa braso ko bago ako hinila papunta sa gilid ng bahay namin.

"Where have you been?"

"Hay, akala ko nasa loob ka!" Napahawak ako sa dibdib ko. "Akala ko nagsumbong ka kay Mama."

"That would be the last thing I do, Mads. Where have you been?"

"Ano, naggala lang?"

"You have been to my office?"

"Ano, h-hindi nila ako pinaakyat, eh. Sa lobby lang ako. Tinawag ko si Jade, pero hindi niya ako—"

"I know. I fired her."

"You... what?"

"I fired Jade. I don't have a secretary anymore."

"Baliw ka na ba? Bakit mo naman ginawa 'yon?"

"Because she didn't bring you to me."

"Darwin—"

"Never mind her, Mads. Where have you been?"

"I will not tell you unless you hire her back."

"I won't do that."

"Then, I won't tell you."

"Fine."

"Fine."

"So, where have you been?"

"Kakasabi ko lang. Hindi ko sasabihin sa iyo hangga't—"

"I will hire her back. Come on, tell me."

"W-What?"

"I said I will hire her back. So, please just tell me where you've been."

"No. The rule is I will not talk to you unless you're done hiring her back. You're literally just standing there, interrogating me. Anong assurance ko na ie-employ mo ulit siya?"

Alam kong hindi ako gusto ni Jade pero ayaw ko namang mawalan siya ng trabaho dahil sa akin. Who knows, baka may pamilyang umaasa sa kaniya. Baka may alaga siyang aso na kailangan niyang bilhan ng masarap na dog food. Baka may chapel sa lugar nila na umaasa sa donasyon niya. Ayaw kong maging dahilan ng pagkatanggal niya sa Romero.

Darwin let out a sigh, took his phone and dialled her number even as his eyes remained locked on mine. "Report to work tomorrow. If you don't, I will have you blacklisted. Goodbye."

"Darwin!"

"What? I hired her back."

"You... ugh!"

"Where have you been?"

"Ang kulit mo!"

"Why did you come looking for me?"

"Ewan ko sa iyo!"

"Did you miss me?"

"Never!"

He held my wrist and gently pulled me close before wrapping me in an embrace and resting his chin on top of my head.

We stayed like that for a while. Not talking. Not moving. He was breathing heavily and I could hear the steady rhythm of his heart from against his chest.

"Yeah. I'll never miss you, too," he whispered.

"Darwin..." I said his name in resistance but it sounded more to me as if I was yielding. Giving in. Surrendering and succumbing to whatever this is.

"Can I pick you up again tomorrow?" he asked softly, his arms still wrapped around me.

Say no.

You know what's good for you.

You didn't heal your wounds only to jump in the fighting pits and hurt yourself again.

Mads, say no.

"Okay."