M A D E L I N E

I don't know how long I stayed in the living room after Denver left.

This is it, isn't it?

We really are over.

I know we broke up months ago, but I have always had this thought in my head that we'll get back together in the end.

Tonight, all those thoughts went crashing out the window.

Our story is done.

We won't get back together in the end.

This. Is. Already. The. End.

I've had plenty of other failed relationships before. But this is different.

All the pain I've endured in the past couldn't have prepared me for what I am feeling now.

I thought he was going to stick until the end.

I was confident, even.

I laughed at myself while crying.

Napahiya ako ro'n, ah...

Darwin Kyle Romero
Are you still up?

Natigil ako sa pag-iisip nang bigla na lang mag-text sa akin si Darwin.

Darwin Kyle Romero
I saw my brother's car when
I dropped you off.

Yeah.
He just left.

Darwin Kyle Romero
How is he?
How are you?
Are you both okay?

Are we?

I don't know. I can't speak for Denver anymore, and just thinking about it makes me feel miserable again.

I want to know how he's doing. I want to know if he's already home. I want to know if he has school work to finish or if he's just going straight to bed.

I want to be part of his life.

Why did I make him promise to let me go?

Why didn't I do my best to win him back?

I had the chance!

We were here. He confessed that he still wasn't over me. We were kissing... and then that's it!

I wasted it.

I could have persuaded him into considering me again. Why didn't I do that?

Why did I just give up?

I lifted my phone and dialled his number again. I'm sure he hasn't gotten far. He could still turn around and come back.

We could talk again.

I'll tell him that I will support his music.

I don't care if he doesn't want to manage his family's business.

I don't care if he wants us to leave everything behind and live in a nipa hut in a province somewhere.

I don't care about anything at all.

Right now, all I know is that I want him back.

I need him back.

"The number you have dialled is either unattended or out of coverage area. Please check the number, and dial again."

Paulit-ulit kong tinipa ang number niya, pero paulit-ulit din ang sagot sa akin ng babae sa kabilang linya. Kung kanina ay pinipigilan ko pa ang pag-iyak... ngayon ay hindi ko na 'yon nagawa.

"The number you have dialled is either unattended or out of coverage area. Please check the number, and dial again."

I didn't want my brothers to hear me crying so I tried my best to do so without making a noise. I could literally feel my heart clenching inside my chest, almost as if it was clawing its way out of my body and begging for a different owner. One that won't hurt it this much.

Damang-dama ko na ang pag-iyak kaya't napatalon ako sa kinauupuan ko nang bigla na lang mag-vibrate ang cellphone ko at muling lumabas ang pangalan ni Darwin.

Pinunasan ko ang luha ko at hinabol ang hininga bago sinagot 'yon.

"Come out," mabilis na aniya pagkasagot na pagkasagot ko ng tawag.

Come out?

Anong ibig sabihin no'n?

Akala niya ba ay lesbi ako?

"I'm here outside."

He's... outside? Nasa labas siya? Parang naka-Internet Explorer ang utak ko sa sobrang bagal ng pagproseso ko sa mga nangyayari.

Dumungaw ako sa bintana at inusod ang kurtina upang makita kung totoong nasa labas nga siya.

"Shit." Napamura na lang ako nang makita ang kotse niya na nakaparada sa tapat ng bahay namin.

Anong ginagawa niya rito?

Kanina niya pa ako hinatid, bakit ulit siya bumalik?

Nagmamadali akong nagpunas ng mukha bago lumabas ng bahay para puntahan siya. Binuksan niya ang passenger door kaya agad akong sumakay sa kotse at hinarap siya.

"Ba—"

"Let's drive around."

"H-Ha? Saan?"

"Just... around," mahina niyang sagot. "Put your seatbelt on."

Wala ako sa mood na mag-roadtrip pero mas gugustuhin ko na 'to kaysa magmukmok sa bahay na mag-isa at ngumangawa.

Kinabit ko ang seatbelt ko at nang makita ni Darwin na maayos na ako sa puwesto ay agad siyang nagmaneho palayo ng bahay.

"Patrick's getting himself wasted, you're crying your eyes out," pahayag niya. "What the hell happened between you, two?"

I ignored his question because the only thing that mattered to me was his first statement.

"Denver's getting himself... what?"

"Wasted," Darwin answered. "He's with that friend of his — Jolo. The one living in the same building as him."

Tumango ako. Si Jolo nga. "Paano mo nalaman?" tanong ko. "Hindi ba, hindi na kayo nag-uusap?"

"Reynold told me."

"Reynold?"

"Yes, Reynold," he confirmed. "Patrick's surveillance guard."

"Surveillance... w-what?"

"His surveillance guard." Humarap si Darwin sa akin at pinandilatan ako na tila ba makakatulong 'yon na ipaintindi sa akin ang nais niyang sabihin. "He has two. Robert in the morning and Reynold at night. I call them the RR Twins."

Napaawang na lang ang bibig ko habang ina-absorb ang sinabi niyang 'yon.

"May guard si Denver?" kunot ang noong tanong ko. "Kailan pa?"

"Since he was five years old."

"W-What?" Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. "Do they know... everything he's doing? Do they... watch him all the time?"

"Of course, they do. Our father pays them well to do just that."

"Even... even his... I mean, even the stuff w-we..."

Darwin shrugged, getting exactly what I was trying to say. "I don't think you were being private, anyway."

Pinamulahan ako ng mukha.

Hindi ko alam na may guard si Denver!

But come to think of it, imposible nga namang wala. How could I be so stupid? He's heir to a huge business conglomerate. Of course, he has guards!

"Does Denver know about this?" I asked.

"I think so, yes." Darwin nodded. "He was always trying to escape them when he first found out. Eventually, he realized he couldn't. And I guess he just learned how to be okay with being followed around."

I was dumbfounded.

I can't believe I'm learning more about Denver through Darwin. How come he never told me about that before?

The same way he never told me about his insane monthly allowance.

The same way he never told me about Manang Esmi and her carinderia in Pasay.

The same way he never told me about pretty much everything else!

Slowly, it began to dawn on me, that maybe... just maybe... I don't even know Denver at all.

"What's so funny?" Darwin asked, staring at me curiously.

I couldn't hold my laughter. I don't even know why I'm laughing. I guess I just find all of it funny. "I'm in love," I whispered. "With a man I don't know..."

Darwin's forehead creased. "You know Patrick," he said. "Just because you don't know everything about him doesn't mean you don't know him at all."

"Of course, it does!" I retorted. "Sa tinagal-tagal ng relasyon namin, hindi niya man lang nagawang ipaalam sa akin ang tungkol do'n?"

"Mads, I have been in a relationship before and I only found out that she was allergic to shrimp three months after we broke up," Darwin said in a monotone. "You can't know everything about someone. No matter how much you want to, and no matter how hard you try to... you can't." He looked at me again, this time with concern. "It will do you well to know that."

That silenced me.

For a few minutes, while Darwin continued to drive around without direction, I just sat quietly beside him and embraced my broken heart.

It doesn't matter anyway whether I knew Denver or not.

We are over.

And I should start forgetting about him if I know what's good for me.

"You had a girlfriend?" I asked softly.

I always thought that Darwin was all business and no pleasure. This won't be the first time he proves me wrong.

"Why do you sound so surprised?"

"Wala lang." Tawa ko. "Hindi ko in-expect. Wala ka naman kasing nakukuwento."

He shook his head and smiled. "We broke up a year ago. Do you expect me to go around telling stories about my ex?"

"Bakit ako? Lagi naman akong nagkukuwento sa iyo tungkol kay Denver, ah."

"Patrick is my brother. It's normal that we talk about him from time to time," he said. "Besides, you're still not over him so I'm not expecting you to have anything else on your mind, for now."

I smiled back. "For now?"

"Give it a few months and you'll be laughing at yourself for thinking that losing him means the end of the world."

"But it is the end of the world."

"You know as well as I do that it isn't."

"Tell me... didn't your world stop spinning when you broke up with your ex? Didn't you wish that you could go back to the past to undo a few things and unsay a few words? How long was your last relationship? How did you get over her so fast? Did you really love her or you just—"

"Eight years," he whispered. "We were together for eight years and it took me an entire year to get over her."

He licked his lips and let out a sigh. "You don't forget someone overnight. You don't forget someone in a week or in a month. But sometimes, Madeline, moving on isn't about forgetting." He looked meaningfully at me and stopped the car in the middle of nowhere. "Sometimes, it's about remembering."

I just stared at him, waiting for him to explain. And he did.

"Remember all the good times. Remember all the memories. Remember how much you made each other happy," he said. "But also remember what you're feeling at this very moment. The pain, the sadness, the feeling of being alone. That's what's going to help you get through."

I wasn't given the chance to answer because he suddenly turned the car's engine off and got out. He then walked to my side and opened the passenger door to let me out.

I don't know where we are.

It was cold and dark.

I could hear the sound of crickets chirping, and above me, I could see the lights of thousands of stars shining down on us.

"Isobelle was a fan of the stars. We used to come here every night when the weather's good and the sky is clear. Helped a lot with her anxiety."

He led me to the back of his truck where a mattress and a handful of pillows were already waiting for us.

"Is that her name?" I asked, referring to her ex. "Isobelle?"

He nodded.

"It's a beautiful name," I answered as I climbed on the back of the truck, onto the softness of the sheets. "I'm sure she's beautiful, too."

He climbed next to me and let out a soft sigh before laying on his back. "She is," he answered, his voice calm.

I can't imagine Darwin being in a long-term relationship. But then again, I also can't imagine him just playing around. I guess I still don't know him enough to judge.

"How did you meet? Why did you break up? Do you still have a photo of her? Can I see?"

Darwin chuckled, his deep laughter echoing around us.

"Some other time, Madeline."

I was dead curious but I didn't push it.

Darwin is my friend, and if he doesn't want to talk about her yet, then I'll just wait until he is.

"Do you know that you and Denver are the only two people who call me that?" I said. "Everyone else just call me Mads."

"Madeline sounds better," he said wistfully. "Mads sounds like some type of mint candy."

"Mint candy?"

"Or mint gum. Either of the two."

"Grabe ka sa pangalan ko, ah." Tawa ko. "At least, hindi Darwin."

"I hate that name."

"Then why do you use it? Bakit hindi na lang Kyle? Si Darwin nga tinatawag niyong Patrick. Why can't we call you Kyle?"

Tumikhim siya at huminga nang malalim. "Only my mother called me that," he answered. "My real mother. Not Claire."

Of course, I am aware that Tita Claire isn't his mother. No one ever talks about Darwin's mom. In fact, I only just realized that I don't even know her name. All I know is that she passed away when he was young.

"Do you still remember her?" I asked curiously. "Your mom?"

He nodded.

He didn't talk about her further, so I didn't ask. I am slowly learning to pause when the conversation calls for it. Something I gained an understanding of only a few weeks ago, because of him.

We lay there quietly, both staring up at the sky, feeling the cold breeze brush against our skin.

I can feel the pain still lingering in my chest, but strangely, it doesn't hurt that much anymore.

Here, under the stars, I am starting to realize just how minuscule I am. How ordinary and insignificant.

I am crying over a boy when there are people from other parts of the world who are crying because they have nothing to eat, or because they have lost a loved one.

Here I am, a simple girl, with good health and a healthy body, studying in an elite school with friends who mean the world to me. I am more than lucky.

I shouldn't cry.

Darwin is right.

It is not the end of the world.

Who knows what could happen in a few years? I might meet someone better. Someone who will take me for who I am and not look for my shortcomings in other people. Someone... who will stay.

"Darwin," I whispered, feeling grateful for him and for everything he's done for me.

"Hmm?"

He sounds sleepy.

He came from work. He is a busy person. He still has work tomorrow, and yet here he is, with me, staring at the sky as if nothing else matters and we owe nothing to the world.

"Thank you," I whispered.

I can hear him breathing next to me but he didn't respond. He must have already dozed off.

I closed my eyes and was asleep in seconds. I dreamed of the stars. I dreamed of the moon. And for the first time in a long while... I felt free.