N A M I

"My head is killing me," Denver complained with a yawn as soon as he arrived from school. He dropped his stuff on the floor and walked up to me after patting Lilo's head and scratching Stitch's belly.

"Idlip ka muna."

He sat next to me and kissed me once on the cheek. "It's Tiffany's birthday next week. We'll go to Baguio."

"Ingat kayo ro'n," bulong ko bago siya niyakap nang mahigpit. Ilang oras lang naman siyang nasa eskwela pero parang sobra ko na siyang na-miss.

"By we, I mean us, silly." Tawa niya, sabay pisil sa ilong ko. "You're coming with me."

"H-Ha?"

"Don't you know?" he asked, laughing as he lay down on the couch and rested his head on my lap like he always does.

"W-What?"

"That you're my girlfriend," he said, closing his eyes. "I won't go anywhere you're not invited."

Alam kong bago pa lang kami, pero bakit pakiramdam ko, sa bawat araw na lumilipas ay mas kinikilig pa ako sa kaniya?

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko na-deserve magkaro'n ng boyfriend na katulad niya.
I'm just thankful that I gave him a chance because he never gave me any reason to regret my decision. Everything is just so smooth-sailing for us.

If I knew how good it felt to love and be loved back, I wouldn't have been afraid of commitments. But then again, if I wasn't, then I wouldn't have waited and I most definitely wouldn't have ended up with him.

"Okay," bulong ko bago yumuko upang idikit ang labi sa kaniya.

Every time we kiss, I get this underlying question in my head.

Do I kiss better than Mads? Or am I at least half as good? Denver is the fist guy I ever kissed so I don't really have a lot of practice.

I moved my lips against his, my stomach feeling hot and fuzzy.

Nagulat na lang ako nang makitang nakatulog na pala siya. Alam kong masakit ang ulo niya, but he literally fell asleep while I was kissing him!

I mean, I get it that he's tired lalo pa at puyat siya kagabi dahil marami siyang tinapos, but to fall asleep while kissing someone? Am I that lousy of a kisser?

He was asleep for over an hour and when he woke up, I can already tell that something was up. He wouldn't meet my eyes and he looks as if something is bothering him.

"Can we talk?" he asked, his voice sounding different.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero nakaramdam ako ng kaba sa tono ng boses niya. Okay naman kami kanina, ah? Bakit parang nag-iba ang mood niya?

"Maybe... later? After the gig?" I asked.

I know that we can talk now. We can even talk on the way to Neon Nights. I just have a strong gut feeling that I need to prepare myself for something big, and I need at least a couple of hours to do that.

Mula nang umalis kami ng condo hanggang sa matapos kami sa gig ay hindi ako mapakali. I felt nauseous and sick in the stomach. I know that I was the one who asked for us to delay our conversation, but the wait only did more harm than good because now that I am done overthinking, I came up with several possible reasons why he wanted us to talk.

1. He had gotten someone pregnant.

That isn't impossible. He was already sexually active way before he met me.

2. He wants to break up because I'm not a good kisser.

He fell asleep kissing me. What other proof do I need?

3. He still isn't over Mads.

I mean... we look alike! It's possible that he only paid attention to me because I look like her and he's not yet over her.

I don't know why but I prefer my first guess over the third. If he ends up telling me tonight that it's still Mads who has his heart, my heart would probably shatter into a million tiny pieces. If thinking about it already hurts like this, I can't begin to imagine just how broken I would be if it does end up happening.

I sat down, my legs hanging off the sides of the Neon Nights stage after we were done performing for the night. There were still a lot of people but I was already so weak in knees, I can't stand up anymore.

Denver walked up in front of me and grabbed my mic from my hands. "I'm really sorry," he whispered.

I know he's trying to make me feel better, but what he said only made me feel worse.

Why is he sorry?

Is he about to give me some bad news?

Did I do anything wrong?

Up until tonight, I was so sure that I was doing everything right. We were so happy. Why is he suddenly acting like this?

Kara, Von, and Dreb must have felt the tension between us because they all left quietly without so much as a goodbye — which I'm thankful for because I no longer have the strength to put on a fake smile.

"Denver, what is going on?" I asked him softly.

We were surrounded by a lot of people while loud party music played around us, but I didn't care. I can't let this go on for another second.

He held my hand and ran his thumb on my skin. "I... I want to start over," he whispered sullenly.

"What do you mean?" I asked, my hands feeling cold even as he held it.

He exhaled loudly, looking down onto my eyes. "I pursued you for all the wrong reasons, and I'm really sorry, Nami..."

There he is, calling me Nami again.

"What do you mean?" I repeated. "I don't understand."

"I..." He avoided my gaze and looked down on his feet. "I think I'm still not completely over her."

There it is.

Even when he didn't mention any name, we both already knew who he was talking about. I couldn't come up with a response. I already expected it, but I was kinda hoping I was wrong.

"I need a little more time," Denver whispered. "I want to give you my all, and I just need... a little more time."

What is he saying?

"Are you not breaking up with me?" I asked. I guess I was right for being afraid of commitments. This is what happens when you get in a relationship. You give someone your heart and then they break it. I shouldn't have stopped being afraid.

"I am," he answered.

I couldn't feel my hands anymore. I feel numb. We haven't even been together for a month but he's already ending it.

Sobrang bigat ng dibdib ko. Umiiyak ang puso ko pero walang luha na bumabagsak mula sa mga mata ko.

"But I will court you again, if you let me."

I looked up at him in surprise. I was already embracing the downfall of our relationship.

"Denver, I don't understand—"

"Magsisimula tayo ulit. Liligawan ulit kita," aniya. Itinaas niya ang kamay ko at saka 'yon maingat na hinalikan. "Haharapin ko ang mga magulang mo. Magpapakilala ako. Gagawin natin nang tama at hindi nagmamadali. Sisiguraduhin kong... maibibigay ko sa 'yo nang buo. Kailangan ko lang ng kaunti pang oras, Nami." Nagtama ang mga mata namin at kitang-kita ko kung gaano siya kadeterminado an maitama ang naging pagkakamali niya. "Alam kong masyadong malaki ang hinihingi ko sa 'yo. Tatanggapin ko, kung ayaw mo na."

Sa loob ba ng mga araw na lumipas ay naghahati kami ni Mads sa puso niya? Pantay ba kami o lamang siya?

Sa pagtulog ni Denver, sino ang laman ng panaginip niya? Sa paggising niya, sino ang pinapangarap niya?

Mahirap kakumpetensya ang nakaraan lalo na kung parte pa rin siya ng kasalukuyan. Anong laban ng ilang linggo naming relasyon sa higit dalawang taon nila?

"D, my man! Tara, kain tayo! Libre mo kami!"

Nagulat na lang ako nang biglang tumalon si Jolo sa likod ni Denver. Akala ko ay nakauwi na sila pero hindi pa pala. Naglakad si Sasha palapit sa amin at umupo pa sa tabi ko. Kapwa sila walang kamalay-malay na nasa gitna kami ng isang mainit at seryosong usapan.

"Ililibre sana namin kayo. Kaso naalala ko, wala pala kaming pera. Kaya kayo na lang ang manglibre, tara na! Tapsilog lang ako saka tokwa't baboy."

Sa iisang condo lang nakatira sina Jolo at Denver. Si Sasha naman ay malapit lang din ang bahay mula sa kanila kung kaya't madalas ay kumakain muna kaming apat bago umuwi.

"Gusto mo ba?" tanong ni Denver sa akin.

Tumango ako. Hindi rin kasi ako nakakain ng hapunan kanina dahil sa nangyari.

Magkahiwalay kaming nagpunta sa Tapsilogan na kinakainan namin dahil may dalang sariling sasakyan si Jolo at mayro'n din si Denver.

Habang nasa byahe ay hindi kami nagkikibuan na dalawa. Hindi niya binuksan ang radyo ng kotse niya at hindi niya rin hinawakan ang kamay ko habang nagmamaneho na siya namang lagi niyang ginagawa noon.

"You know what, I'm not really in the mood for food," bulong niya. "Let's just ditch them and head home."

Hindi na siya naghintay na sumagot ako at basta na lang na nag-U-turn kahit na ilang metro lang ang layo sa amin ng kotse nila Jolo.

Hanggang sa makarating kami sa condo at makaakyat sa unit niya ay hindi pa rin kami nag-uusap. Pagkabukas ng pinto ay agad kaming sinalubong nina Lilo at Stitch na kapwa kumakawag pa ang mga buntot sa pagka-miss sa amin.

Kung maghihiwalay kami ni Denver, kanino sila mapupunta? Paghahatian ba namin sila? Sa kaniya si Lilo at sa akin si Stitch?

"Magbihis ka na muna. Iinitin ko 'yong natirang Adobo. Hindi ka pa kumakain," ani Denver habang nakaupo sa sahig at nilalaro 'yong mga aso.

Hindi na ako sumagot at dumiretso na lang sa loob, pero imbes na magbihis lang ay kumuha ako ng tuwalya at saka naligo.

Matagal ko nang alam na may heater 'yong shower niya pero hindi ko 'yon ginagamit dahil hindi naman malamig dito sa Manila gaya sa Baguio. This is the first time I turned the heater on and had a hot bath and somehow, it made me feel like I'm back home.

Habang naliligo ay narinig kong may kausap si Denver sa telepono.

"Hindi kami naaksidente, sumakit lang 'yong tiyan ko."
"Bawi kami bukas ni Nami."
"Oo, tol. Enjoy kayo."
"Ingat kayo pauwi, ah. Pasensya na."

I was already feeling so much better after stepping out of the bathroom. I found Denver sitting next to the dining table where a plate of hot rice and a bowl of Adobo is already prepared for me.

Déjà vu. Parang kanina lang ay kabaliktaran ang nangyari. Siya ang bagong ligo, at ako naman ang naghanda ng pagkain niya.

"Nami." Tawag niya sa pangalan ko.

"Oh?" sagot ko.

He licked his lips. "Nami, I don't need an answer right away," he said. "But whatever you decide, I will accept it. You can still stay here with me and we will still take care of the dogs together. We will still play music together. We will still go to Baguio next week—"

"Payag ako," singit ko sa kaniya bago umupo sa harapan niya at inilapit sa akin 'yong plato ng kanin.

Habang naliligo ay nakapag-isip-isip ako.

I looked up at him and nothing has changed.

He is still the Denver I love.

Yes, he did me wrong but he owned up to it. He is willing to rectify his mistakes and do it right. Matatawag ba na pagmamahal kung susukuan ko siya kaagad at hindi na bibigyan ng pagkakataon?

I love him. And when you love someone, you don't just dispose them and move on to the next person. When you love someone, you make things work.

I may be new when it comes to relationships, but at least, I know that. Whatever happens now is on him. All I know is I love him too much to let him go just yet.

"Take all the time you need. Get over her. Do whatever it takes, and then come back to me," I said in one breath. "Okay?"

Our eyes met and for the first time ever, I wasn't sure what I felt and what he did.

"Okay."