My stomach erupted into butterflies.

Every inch of my skin tingled, and it felt as though I had static electricity running over my arms. Her lips were soft against mine and my heart thumped in my chest, threatening to burst out of my ribcage. For the first time in several weeks, my mind went blank. I had chosen to follow my heart and my heart stopped putting up a fight, all the thoughts from the previous few weeks falling silent.

At that moment, it was just Katie and me. It wasn't the sound of the priest in the back of my head telling me it was wrong, that we were doing the 'devil's work'. It wasn't the stories I heard of people being attacked or arrested on the street simply for falling love. It wasn't my own head telling me it was wrong and that I was making a mistake. It wasn't even the project or Victoria, none of that mattered. It was just us and nothing else mattered. It felt as though nothing else would ever matter again.

I pulled away from Katie and looked at her. She seemed a little startled, her eyes wide as she stared back at me, barely even blinking and not saying a word. The thoughts returned faster and harder than ever. By the look on Katie's face, I had done the wrong thing. Every fibre of my being screamed at me for making a mistake, for doing something wrong and completely messing everything up.

Again.

Although I had chosen my heart, my head may have been right this time.

"I-I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that," I said.

"Flick, I-" Katie started.

"No, it's fine. It was a mistake."

My hands shook. I placed them on my thighs and stood up, clambering over my project supplies on the floor and darting through the door. The hallways were cloaked in darkness, a small strip of moonlight cutting through the large stained-glass window in the main entrance. I reached the middle of the hallway and looked down the staircase to the entrance, debating whether to go out to the grounds rather than stay in the school.

Outside, an owl hooted. I pushed my hair off my face and decided to venture further into the school. I took the stairs two at a time, listening out for any slight creak or movement anywhere else in the building. Upon reaching the top step, I walked to the end of the hall and into the spare classroom I had hidden in a few weeks before. Rather than sit in front of the door like before, I dragged a spare desk in front of the door to wedge it closed and then sunk down into the far corner of the room.

Nestled in amongst the abandoned furniture, I pulled my knees into my chest and stared into the darkness. A single tear ran down my cheek and I buried my face into my knees, hugging them as tight into my chest as I possibly could.

How could I have been so stupid?

I had no idea whether Katie felt the same way about me, I hadn't even considered the possibility that she may not feel the same way. I had my project on hold to try and fix the rift in our friendship caused by my obsession with beating Victoria, but I had just ruined everything between us. She was never going to want to talk to me again. Whatever friendship we may have had, I had destroyed by one simple action. I would never be able to show my face to her again.

The silence in the room was overwhelming and nothing could drown out the thoughts that crowded my head. They were screaming at each other, each one worst than the last and I couldn't shake them from my head. It was one after another, pinballing off each other and bouncing around my skull.

You're so stupid.

Why would you do that?

You've ruined your friendship.

They just kept going. I placed my hands over my ears to try and drown the voices out, but it didn't do anything. They only got louder. My head ached and I buried my head in my knees and pressed my arms over my head, biting on my bottom lip to keep from screaming and waking up the entire school in the process. I just wanted it all to stop. I wanted everything to stop.

A soft knock came from the door, but I tried to bury myself deeper into the corner of the room. No one else would be walking around the halls this time of night and even if someone else happened to be stalking the hallway, how would they have known where to find me? I knew I should have gone outside. It would have been harder to find me had I been out on the grounds. They knocked again.

"Flick? Can I come in, please?" Katie said on the other side of the door.

"Leave me alone," I muttered into my knees. I wasn't sure if she heard me.

"Please? I just want to talk. That and I think I just heard someone outside."

I lifted my head off my lap and sighed. The last thing I wanted to do with Katie was get her into trouble because of a mistake I had made. I'd messed things up enough already. She knocked again. I crawled across the floor and pushed the desk out of the wat of the door, scuttling back across the room to the corner and burying myself deeper, wishing the floor would just open and swallow me whole. This was a conversation I didn't want to be having.

The door opened a little and I tried to hide behind the dust sheet that had been draped over a nearby desk. I looked at the floor, watching the small strip of moonlight get cut off by a shadow and then disappeared completely when the door clicked shut. Footsteps echoed across the floor and came to a stop in front of me. Katie slipped down the desk and took a seat on the floor, crossing her legs.

She didn't say anything at first. She just sat beside me and crossed her legs, dropping her hands into her lap and playing with her nails. I just wanted her to say something and get it out of the way so I could be left on my own amongst the dust sheets. If I could have, I would have stayed in the room until the end of the term so I wouldn't have to face Katie or anyone else. I wanted to hide. It seemed like the best option right about now.

"So, that was a little unexpected," she said.

"I didn't mean to; it was a mistake. I'm sorry." I played with my fingers and refused to look at her.

"Why are you sorry?"

"Because-"

"Because you feel like you have to be? You took off before I even had the chance to say anything."

"I saw the look on your face."

"I was just taken by surprise, that's all. If you'd stuck around a little while longer, I would have been able to respond."

"Respond how? Tell me how you were disgusted in me for what I did? That you'd never want to speak to me again?"

"That's not what I was going to say."

"Then what were you going to say?"

"I wasn't going to say anything." I gave her an odd look. "I was going to do this."

Katie placed her fingers under my chin and lifted my head up. She cupped my face in her hands and looked me in the eyes, a slight smile creeping onto her face. Her thumb ran across my cheek, wiping away a stray tear. I looked at her, furrowing my eyebrows but she just smiled and leaned a little towards me. Katie slowly pressed her lips against mine.

For the second time that night, my stomach did so many backflips that it could have been an Olympic gymnast and my skin tingled. This time, neither one of us pulled away. My mind went silent, the screaming stopped, and I could just enjoy the moment with Katie without the constant back and forth in my head. Regardless of what my head said, or whatever people may have thought at the moment, it didn't even matter.

She pulled away after what felt like an eternity, her hands still cupping my face. Katie smiled at me and took her hands off my face and laughed slightly. Her cheeks were tinted red and she couldn't look me in the eye without laughing or looking away. The butterflies in my stomach continued to flutter uncontrollably. I looked down at my hands and played with the bracelet on my wrist, not being able to fight the smile that forced its way onto my lips.

I thought I had ruined everything, that Katie would never want to talk to me again, but I had been wrong. The screaming in my head didn't return when she pulled back. For once, the voices were silent, but I wasn't complaining. It felt nice not to have them screaming at me and that my heart had been right.

"Do you know how long I've wanted to do that?" Katie said, glancing at me.

"Me too." I played with my fingers. "I thought you would hate me."

"No way. I was just surprised, that's all." She took a breath. "I like you, Flick. I have for a while now. I've just been struggling to figure out what to say to you for weeks and then you were so obsessed with the project that I just didn't think it was the right time, despite Jo's comments."

"Jo? She knew?"

"Hm. When we were in third year, she caught me staring at our old French teacher. She's been trying to get me to talk to you for three months, at least."

"Huh."

"Let's not talk about Jo, though we'll have to tell her. She'll kill me otherwise. For now, I'm just happy sitting with you. At least no one can find us here."

"The sun will be up soon; we won't be able to stay here for long."

"I don't care. I'm just glad it's the two of us."

She laced her fingers with mine and dropped her head onto my shoulder, sighing deeply and staring out into the darkness. I closed my eyes slightly and smiled, lowering my head so it pressed against her hair, almost like a pillow. If the sun wasn't so close to rising, I would have fallen asleep.

We stayed in the spare room until the sun started to appear behind the trees, lighting up the room in the early morning light. I lifted my head off Katie's and looked at her, watching the way her eyes lit up in the sunlight. She placed a small kiss on my cheek and stood up. With her hand still in mine, she pulled me up. We stood in the small strip of light that came in through the window just looking at each other, not talking and not feeling the need to. For the first time in several weeks, everything just felt right.

My heart and head had stopped battling, my feelings for Katie were well and truly sorted out. The best part being that she liked me back and had for months. All that time I had spent fighting with myself about whether she would like, where she would hate me if I confessed my feelings and yet I had no reason to beat myself up over it. We had the last few weeks of term to get ourselves sorted out, to decide where we wanted to go from here. None of that seemed to matter as it felt as though we had all the time in the world to figure it out.

"We should go. They'll be waking up soon and we'll be in trouble," Katie said.

"Maybe we shouldn't have stayed up all night," I said, laughing slightly.

"Perhaps not, but I'm glad we did. It was nice to not have a stress-dream about the O-Levels."

"You'll be fine. I know you will."

"Come on, let's go."

With her hand still in mine, she pulled me through the door, and we crept down the stairs, parting ways on the third floor so she could return to her dormitory. My hand felt empty without hers and I couldn't fight the smile on my face. I brushed some loose strands of hair behind my ears and crept back to my dormitory, glad to find everyone still fast asleep. Despite not sleeping that night, I felt too awake to climb into bed.

My mind and body were too overwhelmed with what had just happened to sleep. Instead, I perched on the edge of my bed and looked down at the bracelet, reading the words inscribed in the heart charm and the conversation Katie and I had had that day. She had told me I had been worth the cost of the bracelet; she had placed her hand on mine and even kissed me on the cheek that morning. All the signs were there, I just didn't read them.

Still, I finally knew how Katie had felt and better yet, she had kissed me back. Whatever other people may have said or may have viewed it; their opinion didn't matter anymore. They didn't get a say in who I liked or how I lived my life and they certainly weren't going to stop me from following my heart.

~~~

First Published - August 2nd, 2020