i'm an animal
trapped in your parked car
–radiohead

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                "– SO ROSA, THE MAID, rushes upstairs, to the duke's room, in order to find out what that horrible sound was. When she reaches the corridor, mind you, she finds the duke flat out stretched on the ground, as dead as damned concrete, which is symbolic for the omnipresence of — why are you getting up? you're leaving, Nathaniel?"

I look down at her, sat on multitudes of blankets, her slim figure somehow still defined even when swallowed by my sweatshirt, turquoise eyes glimmering as she looked up at me with the innocence and sadness of a child.

"You're leaving." It's a statement this time, uttered in her small voice. She shakes her head once, dazed. "Don't leave, Nathaniel."

By now, the sun is beginning to send small rays across the roof of the bed and breakfast where we spent the night, wrapped in a cycle of lengthy conversations, passionate touches, and religious silences.

But the sun will rise, and the day will commence, and I will have to leave this creature, this goddess, and get back to the mediocrity of my life.

"I have to go, Trina." I don't dare look at her. I can't. Just half a minute ago, she was telling me about the last book she read, completely immersed and passionate. Mere ten minutes ago, she was on the fifth reason why we should take up acrylic painting lessons together. Meeting her eyes, those two laser beams that can set my organs on fire, seems like an impossible, even sinful act.

"Don't leave, Nathaniel." She's on her feet in a second and looking up, her gaze trying to dig into mine with unadorned urgency and desperation. She places her delicate hands on both my cheeks, caging me in with her, forcing me to look at her. "I swear I'm better. I'm trying for you," She nods, confirming her own words. "You saw how I was all night. You saw. I'm better now, I swear it to you."

I remove her hands, wanting her skin to be off mine so that I can concentrate. "I need to leave."

She seizes my hand again, firmly, almost threateningly. Time stops. She shakes her head. "Mi amore–"

   "No. Let me go, Caterina. Let go," I yank my hand away from her grasp. And yet, even as I utter the words, I feel nil conviction.

Judging by this night, she really has gotten better.

You know this is temporary, Nathaniel. Don't be stupid. Leave while you can.

"Nath, per favore. Don't leave. For me." Caterina's eyes start shimmering, and then big, voluminous tears start edging their way down her pale cheeks, like rain droplets sliding down a windowsill, the sun rays making her look like the most diabolical angel to have ever graced the earth. "Don't you dare leave me, Nathaniel," She chokes out, voice hoarse. "I love you."

I shouldn't have come. I shouldn't have. She's sinking her claws in my chest. I need to get out now. She's good now, but she won't be good later. Think about yourself.

Without another word, or a final glance, I turn around and rapidly walk to the fire exit, my fingers digging into my scalp, tearing at my hair. I shouldn't have come.

Before the door shuts behind me, I hear her small mutters, and they pierce my heart, grasp it tight, almost stopping me from functioning. "I'm not sick," The small murmur would've almost gotten lost in the soft wind, if two seconds later, she hadn't engraved it in every sound wave, every blue sky, every breath of air as she howls it, eyes turned upwards, laced with rage and resentment and desperation, destined to the creator of both her destiny and free-will. "I'm not sick!"

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