WARNING*- Mature content, including vulgar language, talks/ attempts of suicide, and trigger themes.

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It was cold when Finn finally went back to school. After receiving a major hangover from his night of partying with Lydia that he still couldn't remember, he decided that he would skip a couple days. Finn wasn't too keen on dealing with people he didn't really care about while having a massive hangover.

Finn walked with a slump in his back, black rimmed eyes, his skin pale from lack of sleep, and his throat dry from the bitterness and the amount of alcohol he had days before. Finn still couldn't remember half of what happened that night but slowly bits and pieces were coming back in flashes.

It was quite odd for Finn when he would be eating a hamburger one minute and the next his vision blurs and all he sees is flashing lights and Lydia's smile. Although Finn couldn't stop thinking about Lydia's smile because it was one of the only things he thought was truly beautiful.

The concrete below Finn was chipped and worn and was a dull beige color that made Finn's nose crinkle a little. The school was filled with chatter and laughter just like it always was and with people that didn't look, or even glance as Finn walked by.

No one cared. No one ever cared.

And that thought didn't bother Finn in the slightest, because to be honest he didn't really care either. Finn accepted the fact that he was merely a fragment of pain in this cruel world a long time ago.

"Oh! Finn!" Finn glanced up to see Lydia running towards him as fast as her short legs could take her.  She looked messy and slightly clumsy as she pushed through person after person shrugging her bag further up her shoulder while trying to keep the huge glasses frames that she barely wore on her nose.

Finn's heart sped a little watching as Lydia's jumper drifted against her stomach.  But what really made his heart skip a beat was the small splashes of red paint stained on the jumper.

Finn knew the jumper probably smelt of tequila and lost dreams, of cotton candy and caramel apples and felt like cool sunsets and fireworks over the seas. 

And that's what made Finn's heart skip a beat.

"Woah," Finn stumbled a little as Lydia practically fell into his arms.  Finn helped Lydia stand up as a small giggle escaped her lips.  "Are you alright?"

"Yeah! I'm great actually." Lydia giggled brightly as Finn furrowed his eyebrows as a smile that matched Lydia's slowly spread on his face.

"Why aren't you wearing your contacts?" Finn asked causing Lydia to smirk up at him before pushing the big frames further up her nose.

"I don't know, just wanted to wear my glasses today, I guess." Lydia shrugged her grin still never leaving her face.

"Well, you look beautiful." Finn said meaning every word.  But as Lydia's grin widened she never realized the glint in Finn's eyes that said that he truly thought she was beautiful inside and out.  He thought she was beautiful every minute of every day.  Lydia didn't see the glint in his eyes that said that he was in love.  Because for all Lydia knew, Finn was just a good friend.  Someone who was always there for her and was always making her happy.

So Lydia smiled and thanked Finn before averting her thoughts to the next subject, dismissing the compliment like it was nothing special.  "I have good news. I asked my parents and they said it was perfectly fine, so I was wondering if you wanted to have dinner with me and my family like we used to when we were younger."

Finn's once gloomy eyes brightened in seconds remembering how he loved having dinner at the Quinn household.  "Yeah, I would love to see Dylan and your mother's food is amazing." Finn smiled remembering Lydia's mother cooking brownies on a warm spring afternoon after a day of swings and sunsets that felt like a dream to far away to reach.

"Are you sure?" Lydia asked her smile suddenly dropping and Finn knew she was thinking of the obvious wincing Finn did every time he breathed and walked.

Finn's father had recently returned after a month of vacancy and he brought with him his strength and a bottle of vodka all in one hand.  But after a couple of days of Finn living through his own nightmares, his father finally left and Finn knew he wouldn't be back for a while.

"Yeah, I'm sure." Finn forced the smile back on his face as Lydia smiled with him.

"Is this tonight?" Finn asked just before Lydia turned to walk into the school.

"No, I actually have a date." Lydia stuttered before speaking again.  Lydia had always been nervous when talking about her love life or anything to do with dating.  "It's tomorrow night." Lydia smiled and turned while waving goodbye before walking into the school not once looking back to see the look of utter heart break on Finn's face.

Because all Finn could think of was holding Lydia in his arms on the couch during a rainy day.  Or kissing her lips under the sunset that dripped into the water of the beach.  And all he could think was, that would never be him.

~•~•~•~

The icy breeze blew through the air and caused goosebumps to rise on Finn's arms. The air smelt of dead grass and mud as rain trickled around him.

It was cold and Finn stood on the yellow grass as drops of dusty water splattered on his hoodie leaving dark water stains. His grey tennis shoes were drenched in water leaving the skin on his feet cold and pale.

The stone that sat in front of him on the dried grass stood still.  It sat there with letters and numbers engraved into the cement.  With love and grief floating around it and it brought Finn to his knees as a tear slipped down his cheek.

It was all his fault.  It was all Finn's fault that the only family he had was gone.  The monster that dwelled in his house hadn't felt like family for years.

Finn set the vibrant red roses on the ground surrounding the rock.  The rose reminded him of his mother.  The red symbolizing love and how she loved everyone and everything she came in contact with. 

But red also represented war and Finn knew that his mother fought countless of wars before her fight finally came to an end.

A smaller stone sat beside the first lingering slightly behind.  It echoed the other rock with every mark and dent.  Finn turned to the rock with tears in his eyes and rain in his hair.

The stone stood with three words etched in it that made Finn's heart clench.

'Amber Emilia Owen'

Finn's tears stood still as he stared at the markings.  He remembered the blizzard that brought a smile to his face and a giggle to escape Amber's lips as the flurries floated and danced towards the earth.  He remembered the playground about a block down from his house that sat at the bottom of a field and held a bright red slide and neon green swings that Finn remembered him challenging Amber his chore money if she could successfully jump off the swing and land on her feet.

He even remembered Amber's favorite purple sweater that she wore almost everyday in the winter of 1998.  That sweater was now torn and dusty and sat in a cardboard box in the depths of the attic.  Finn knew exactly where that sweater lie in the bottom of the broken brown box next to the green piece of plastic that once held Finn and Amber's pet Goldie. 

Sure, now that Finn thought about the name it was a tad bit pathetic to name a goldfish.  But it was still something that Finn and Amber shared as siblings and he would always keep in the brown box although the small golden creature had been flushed down the toilet years ago.

Sighing Finn sat down the last rose in front of the stone.  One single thorn had punctured Finn's finger drawing blood that ran down his hand.  But Finn couldn't feel any pain, because Finn sat in silences as small tears trailed down his eyes and blood ran down his fingers, staring intently at the stone.

No pain, just silence.

Distant footsteps sounded padding on the grass softly behind Finn. He didn't move knowing it was Lydia from the constant vibration of his phone in his pocket.

Finn's head was slumped towards the ground as his eyes averted to his side to see the torn red converse beside him.

They were torn and slightly brown but still vibrant red spots were scattered around it. The once pure white soles were now covered in mud and grey streaks slashed across the sides. Years of walking and running through pain and laughter were shown in the tethered marks on the sides.

"I figured you'd be here," Lydia's soft voice spoke. The air was thick and Finn felt oddly on edge because of it.

"It's her birthday," Finn spoke after a long beat of silence. His voice was shaky and slightly groggy due to the fact that he hadn't slept in days. "She would've been 24 years old."

"I know," Lydia spoke slowly with a hint of sadness laced in her voice.

"It's all my fault," Finn dropped his head from his hands as more tears spilled down his cheeks.

"No it's not."

Finn shook his head at Lydia's words, "Yes it is. If I had known she wasn't happy she would have never left, she would have never died."

"Finn listen to me," Lydia knelt down on her knees as Finn lifted his head from the ground. With eyes rimmed in tears and cheeks stained in salt Finn stared at Lydia waiting for her to say something that could comfort him in anyway.

"It's not your fault and it never was. No matter what your father ever said to you or what you think at all you could have never known your sister wasn't happy. No one knew. Amber was struggling with her own problems and you were definitely not the one that made her unhappy. If anything you were the only one that made her stay for so many years. You were the one who made her truly happy. You're her brother Finn, her best friend. You weren't the one that made her childhood so strained and unhappy. you weren't the one that made her go off to military and you sure as hell aren't the one who killed her." Lydia spoke before Finn took a deep breath.

Finn knew deep down that none of this was his fault. But somehow over the years of pain and torture the monsters under his bed brainwashed him into thinking that everything that went wrong in this cruel and nasty world was always Finn's fault.

"Remember when we were watching the sunset in that meadow and I told you that I would teach you how to be happy?" Lydia spoke suddenly. 

 Finn slowly looked at Lydia with a small nod, "Yeah."

"Well, I realized something.  You can't truly be happy until you've accepted that the deaths of your mother and sister were never your fault. And I know you've been blaming yourself for years but now I finally think you're ready to accept the fact that there was no possible way you could've stopped this from happening." Lydia paused waiting for Finn to react but nothing came. Lydia sighed before continuing as Finn stood, eyes still staring at the stone.

"It's time to accept that." Lydia spoke before taking one step towards Finn. Lydia lifted herself up onto her tip toes before slowly and gently kissing Finn on the cheek. Her lips lingered on Finn's skin and a sensation that tingled in the cells of Finn's cheek sent goosebumps up Finn's arm.

Time stood still as Finn stayed and Lydia slowly turned to walk away. And suddenly Finn knew it wasn't his fault. So Finn took a deep breath before telling himself four simple words.

"It's not your fault."

~•~•~•~

Oh my gosh it feels like it's been forever since I updated. Granted, it has been only two or three weeks but I'm still extremely sorry that I have failed to update every week like I told myself I would.

I was a taking a small (one week) break from Wattpad where I only go on to read updates or other books. But I'm back and I will be writing more.

It also took me a little bit longer to write this update because I had a minor writers block and it was a little weird because I knew what I wanted to write I just didn't know how to put what I was thinking into words. Fortunately, I made it through my writers block and finished the chapter and hopefully will be starting on the next one soon.

News: starting this June if any of you like TeenWolf you guys should go check out my TeenWolf fanfic that I will be starting this summer. I'm really excited because I don't usually write fan fiction but who knows it might be at least decent.

And I have recently just posted a story called Hiraeth and I've been wanting to start it for a while so go check that out too.

For the people who did not see my message board I apologize in advance for being very indecisive, there are so many story I want to start writing and sometimes I post them before I'm even ready to make a plot. So be ready for a lot of publishing and unpublishing. (Don't worry Lydia will not be unpublished).

Finally, I have posted the rewritten version of Moon Gazing, if anyone had read the first one I'm very sorry for that one was horrid and I try to forget it ever happened. But I'm rewriting it so if you want to read a better version of it with the same characters and better writing then go check it out too!

Thank you for reading my endless author's note!

Hope you enjoyed!

~ moe