This chapter has super much dialogue but I guess it happens. Don't really like this chapter but I'd feel bad not updating.

Pain. Physical pain is what Thomas felt. But it was also mental pain at the thought of him being so submissive towards Newt. It was no secret that Newt was the one in control with whatever they had, but it started to get to Thomas to the point where it hurt him. He didn't want to be so easy, and yet he was.

He'd told himself yesterday that he wasn't gonna end up in Newt's bed again, and yet he had ended up in that exact spot, writhing underneath the blonde as he became a mess at every touch. Newt had his ways, and Thomas gave himself up like he was an experiment. He was a toy to Newt, and Newt played him well.

Thomas came home the next morning with hickeys sprawled along his neck, and his wrists were slightly sore and bruised after being restrained. He still refused to admit that he'd liked it, because to him it was not something that he should've enjoyed. Thomas shouldn't have enjoyed any of it, and yet he had. He ended up feeling so worthless as he took two more pain killers when he'd gotten water from the fridge.

Ash emerged from her room, not seeing him at first as she started making a coffee with a flavored capsule. When she glanced to the side, she jumped slightly seeing the mess that was Thomas. He looked terrible, eyes dark from lack of sleep, and he was soaked due to the weather.

"He used you again didn't he?" It didn't take a mastermind to figure out that she was talking about Newt, and all Thomas did was nod. He didn't see a point in trying to deny it.

Ash didn't say anything else, instead she walked onto the balcony with her coffee, passing him along the way. She was always the type that refused to cry in front of people, and so she chose to walk away instead. But once she was on the balcony, away from Thomas, tears started to fall from her eyes.

Thomas could see her from where he stood in the kitchen, but she wasn't facing him. It bothered him, and so he found himself walking out onto the balcony too. He could tell that she was crying by the way her shoulders shook, and so he wrapped his arms around her as she cried more at the gesture.

After she'd calmed down considerably, she walked over to the sofa that they had on the balcony. He followed after her, sitting down when she did.

"I don't get it, Thomas." Ash said after a few minutes of silence.

"You can't be that blind either. Don't you see it?" Thomas nodded, he did see it. But it was also so much more complicated than that.

"I see it."

"I just fail to understand it. He's so cruel."

"Not always. He can be really sweet." Ash shook her head, biting her lip before looking down at her feet.

"Have you fallen in love with him despite everything?" She whispered, and Thomas took a moment to think, but he was quick to make up his mind once more. Maybe a bit too quick.

"No. I mean, a part of me likes him a lot. But I hate him just the same."

"Then why are you still intimate with him? Or with him at all." Thomas placed his jaw in his palm that was rested on his knees as he looked at the building across from them.

"When you've given such a huge part of yourself to someone else, you can't just leave. It would feel like you're saying goodbye to yourself if you did." Ash sighed in response before she took a sip of her coffee.

"I guess I can understand that bit." Thomas nodded, trailing the marks on his wrist with his finger lightly to distract himself.

"What is that?" The boy froze, unsure of what to say as a response to what it was.

"It's just some bruises. Nothing major. It doesn't even hurt unless I press down on it." Ash took a hold of his arm to examine it closer, and he let her.

"What is it really from?"

"You're gonna get mad at me. Or disappointed." She gave him a stern look, clearly not dropping the subject at hand.

"Does Newt abuse you?" Thomas' eyes widened. He definitely didn't want Ash to think that, because that was really far from the truth. Newt never touched him in a harmful way.

"He never hurts me. He just tied me up last night. But he didn't do it against my will. I agreed to it so can you drop it? Please? I promise you that he's never harmed me." She gave him another look, and he quickly corrected himself.

"Okay, he's never physically caused me any harm. Mentally I don't know anymore. I'm just a mess when it relates to him. And I know what he does and what I do as a response. I hate him and myself for it. But I hate myself more for the fact that a part of me is still falling for him. It's like a reflex that I don't have any control over. A part of me really likes Newt." It stayed quiet for a moment, the girl contemplating on speaking first.

"Do you wanna rant about whatever you're feeling to me?" Thomas laughed at first, but then he slowly nodded. He wanted someone else to know a little bit, because it was quickly consuming him piece by piece.

"I'm mad at myself for getting so attached to him. I know that he barely holds any feelings for me, and whenever we have sex, he's completely detached. I just really wish he somehow still cared for me even a little bit. I want him to like me back so that it doesn't feel so one sided. It's like I'm putting all of myself into it and he does nothing in return but mess with me. I feel so conflicted. I should hate him. I do hate him."

"You love him too though."

"I never said it was love. I like him a lot is what I said."

"I think that your like is actually love. But you try to tell yourself it isn't because no one sane would fall for someone like him after everything he's done. You're in denial because of who he is." Tears started to form in his eyes, and he glanced down at his hands to avoid looking at his friend.

"Is it so wrong for me to still like him?" Ash sighed, sipping her coffee once more before speaking again.

"No, it's not wrong. It might not be the smartest choice to keep this relationship going based on how unhealthy it is, but it clearly means something more to you. And I think it means more to you because you love him. You let yourself get emotionally attached. And I know you say you hate him, and maybe a part of you really does. But more of you loves him."

"I'm such an idiot."

"No, you're human." She responded.

"Is it even possible to fall in love with someone in less than two months?" He continued.

"I'd say so, yeah. It might not be as strong as maybe eight months. Definitely possible though."

"So you're telling me that I love him?" Thomas stated, eager for a response as he looked at her.

"Thomas, at the end of the day, I can't tell you anything. I can only tell you what I think based on what I know. Why don't you start with telling me a bit more about your feelings around Newt?"

"What are you? A psychiatrist?" Ash giggled, biting her lip as she looked around.

"I'm trying to help you figure out your feelings towards someone I've never met. Do you have any pictures by the way? I'm dying to meet this guy."

"And Minho's dying to get rid of him." They both laughed despite everything, but then it quickly went away, and silence filled the air.

"Just tell me about Newt. What you feel when you're with him. Just anything. Unlike Minho, I'm willing to have an open mind. Besides, I've never met him, so to say that he's a complete asshole wouldn't exactly be nice. Then again, he did punch Minho in the face before he even said hello." Thomas had to laugh again as a response before he lifted his legs up so that he could sit with them crossed before facing her.

"Well I've already told you what he looks like. But trust me, any description can't even begin to compare to how gorgeous he actually is. And as to what I feel around him? I feel lost. Utterly lost. Suddenly Newt is standing right in front of me and it's like I lose all control over myself and I'm just his. My heart is beating fast, I'm warm, and every time he gets closer, or does something, I just want to kiss him. But I can't kiss him, because to him it would be too intimate unless it leads to us sleeping together. I just want us to kiss one time where it's just a kiss. I don't want it to lead to anything else. Just one kiss so that I know that he feels something towards me in return. So that I know that I'm wrong about thinking he's emotionless and detached. I want to be proven wrong for once in my life. I want him to..." He was cut off by Ash, and he was slightly thankful for it as he was breaking down into tears all over again.

"Love you." Thomas nodded again, because she was exactly on point with what she meant. He just wanted Newt to show affection towards him. He craved to feel wanted by the blonde, and not in the way that he was currently desired in. Thomas wanted Newt to love him, but he didn't.

"There's so many people in this world, and the one person I fall in love with, is the one person that doesn't care about me."

"So, now you admit to loving him?"

"I obviously do. You're making it pretty damn clear to me." The girl only nodded.

"Do you think that maybe Newt just doesn't know how to show emotions. Maybe he does care but he doesn't know how to show you, if that makes sense?"

"Now you're just trying to make me feel better about this."

"There's people like that though, Thomas. He could be one of them. Maybe he cares a lot more than you know. Maybe more than he knows. It could be that he tries to deny his feelings just as much as you, but he's better at hiding it." Thomas hated to admit that she could be right, but if she was, then Newt was damn good at acting. Pretending like you hold zero emotion towards something is not an easy task, and for him to pull it off so well, if he is, meant he's amazing at lying.

"Why would he do that to me though? He must be able to somehow see what he's been doing, right?" Thomas was met with silence for a few minutes, and he grew slightly impatient before she finally responded.

"Yeah. Or he chooses to ignore it because he hates himself for it just like you hate yourself for all of it."

"Okay, what are you trying to tell me here?" He said, slowly growing annoyed at having this conversation.

"I think she's trying to tell you that there could be two sides to this. Either Newt really doesn't care about you and all he does is sleep with you because he wants to. Or, it's more complex for him like it is for you. Maybe he cares and he just sucks at showing his feelings. Or maybe he could be afraid of liking you because his original intentions were to sleep with you and that's it. He could've gotten emotionally attached like you did, but he has a more aggressive and cold way of showing it because he's trying to deny it." Ash and Thomas both glanced up to look at the door, and sure enough, Minho stood there with tousled hair and running gear.

"You run in this weather?" Was the first thing Thomas said when he saw the other, receiving a glare in return.

"Yeah, I run. But that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about Newt. Also known as the bastard that gave me this damn bruise on my face." Minho pointed at the mark on his jaw, and Thomas had to stifle a giggle whilst the other sat down on the ground across from them, despite it being wet.

"I don't like talking about Newt."

"You seem to have no problem talking about it with Ash. Talking with me won't make a difference." Thomas simply rolled his eyes.

"Except it will make a difference. You're always the one telling me how stupid I'm being without even hearing me out. And you never think about what it's like to put yourself in my situation. And don't you dare say that you'd just leave. It's not that simple or I would've left ages ago." Minho sighed.

"Question." He said, and Ash and Thomas both looked at Minho, waiting for him to go on as he kept firm eye contact with Thomas.

"Ever wish you'd never gotten with him when you first met?" Thomas chuckled.

"All the damn time. But I have to accept that I decided to be an idiot. An idiot who now also somehow has feelings for this guy that I haven't even known two months. Someone who also treats me like one of the worst human beings but at the same time manages to be so damn sweet to me." He'd raised his voice towards the end, and Minho and Ash shared a look before an arm was wrapped around Thomas.

"So what exactly are you going to do now?" Thomas shrugged in response to the question asked by the boy across from him. He really didn't know.

"I guess I'll just let him ruin me."

"Don't say that Thomas. He won't ruin you. Not unless you let him."

"Minho, I am letting him. I don't care anymore. He can do whatever he wants with me." Ash started to get up, growing uncomfortable with where this conversation was going.


"You seemed to care a few minutes ago when you were talking to Ash. Who has now walked back inside cause of us." Minho glanced inside with a concerned look, and Thomas had to hide the jealousy that rose with the fact that Minho seemed more worried about their friend.

"Fine. A part of me cares and a part of me doesn't. I care about Newt's feelings. I want to know what he feels. I don't care about what he does to me anymore. Or maybe I do a little. I really don't know!" Thomas hit the back of the sofa with his fist, a response that made Minho jump slightly. Thomas clearly wasn't having that best day. Or month for that matter.

"I think you need to talk to Newt. Without ending up in his bedroom. You two really have to talk about this." Minho was right, Thomas knew that he was. And yet he wanted to avoid having that conversation with Newt to the best of his abilities.

"I know that I have to. But I don't want to."

"Would you rather have me do it for you?" Thomas gave him a look of disbelief.

"Please be joking. I really don't need you to talk to him. I'll figure it out. I'll be fine." Minho nodded, getting up to go back inside. He was freezing, and a cold bath would do him good.

Thomas stayed out there however, thinking to himself on how he could have that particular conversation with Newt.

If he'd ever even dare to have it.