Newt was the first to wake up the morning after. It was still early, the clock not having hit anywhere near six in the morning yet. It was dark outside with the rain pouring onto the window at a records speed, and the boy groaned as he got up. Or more like tried to get up. He felt a weight on his chest, and as he glanced down he saw Thomas sleeping away softly with his head using Newt's chest as a pillow. The blonde couldn't see why that would ever be comfortable, but he let Thomas be for a bit as he contemplated on what he should do.

He could stay. But that clearly was the riskier option in case Thomas woke up and saw what position they were in. Besides, he knew that the other would be asking him why he hadn't pushed Thomas away, and honestly it wasn't a question he was so sure he could answer any time soon.

The second option was to leave, and normally he would've already bolted out the door. But something tugged at his heart strings and stopped him from running out any time soon. He didn't have it in him suddenly. It was odd, but he let himself stay in place despite the battle going on in his head.

It took him another half an hour before he decided that he'd get up and leave before the older but seemingly more innocent boy woke up. He sighed as he gently took Thomas' head and placed it to his actual pillow, praying that the other didn't wake up from the movement. Newt got up himself straight afterwards, looking down at Thomas before he looked down at the floor in shame. His hipbone hurt slightly, and he tried not to let out a whimper in case any sound would alert the boy in bed.

"I'm so sorry." He said before he opened the bedroom door, looking for Minho and Ash before bolting to the door. They hadn't been anywhere in sight, so he took his chance while he had it.

Thomas woke up a little later, not finding Newt beside him like he'd held his hopes up for. It would've been too good to be true anyway, and now all he had was the ice pack close to him, the only indication of the blonde having been in the same room.

He didn't want to be upset, but he couldn't help the frown that formed on his face and the tears stinging his vision. Newt had left again. And by now it was something that Thomas should've been used to and have expected, yet he couldn't help the tiny bit of hope that had formed that maybe Newt would be next to him.

The boy decided not to dwell on it much longer, calling Newt up instead when he found his phone. Asking him why he was gone couldn't make the situation worse. He'd probably just have his already made up answer confirmed.

Back at Newt's place, the blonde was still huddled up under the blanket that Thomas had slept in just a day earlier on the couch in the living room. He'd been thinking ever since he'd made it back to his place, and none of his thoughts were anything positive for him. Newt felt completely disoriented with his thoughts and feelings, and he didn't know himself what exactly his feelings were.

The blonde was utterly and hopelessly confused. It left him a mess under the blanket.

He could've sworn he could still feel Thomas' body heat around the blanket, but he was smart enough to know that it was only his vivid imagination messing with his mind. Newt suddenly wished that he'd never left Thomas' side an hour or so ago. He had though, and there was nothing that he could do about it now.

So, he was left in a bubble of his own screwed up feelings, not knowing where to begin with his thoughts and what to go through first so that he could clear it away. Newt could've blamed his lack of knowledge on the tingle his lips still had because of Thomas kissing him. And maybe he could've blamed it on all of Thomas instead of just a small bit. But instead he decided to rack his brain through everything so that he could come up with some sort of conclusion.

Newt was afraid. He hadn't realized until Thomas had fainted, just how much the other had impacted him. If anyone would've asked what he and Thomas were up to, he would've probably stated that they were acquaintances that occasionally hooked up. But to him it had been much more, just like it had been for Thomas. He just didn't know it, and now that he slowly realized it, he cowered back in fear of what could happen. Newt didn't want his emotions to win over him and chose whatever path to take. He didn't want to think of Thomas as anything more, and yet he did. Thomas was much more.

A ring through the room broke his jumbled train of thoughts, and he peeked from under the blanket where he'd hidden until he spotted his phone on the coffee table, ringing with Thomas' name flashing on the screen. He sighed, biting his lip out of habit when he was making a decision. The blonde eventually reached for it with his hand, pressing the green button to allow the call.

"Tommy." The nickname rolled off his tongue without him being aware of it until it had happened, and he winced slightly when he expected Thomas to say something about it. But he didn't.

"Why'd you leave me?" Newt's breathing hitched, and it felt like his air supply had been taken away. Thomas had been crying. He could hear it through the phone with sharp clearness. Almost like his cries were the focus on a camera, and it was all you could really see because the rest suddenly became blurry.

"I didn't think you'd want me there when you woke up." The clear lie slipped before he had a chance to catch himself, and he could hear Thomas scoff in clear incredulity.

"You can just tell me why you left. It's not like you can hurt me much more than you already are." Newt bit his lip again, sure that he'd be chewing it raw within ten minutes if he didn't stop. But he really couldn't help it, and he couldn't help the cry at the back of his throat as more tears went down his face. He felt exposed when he cried, and he hated it, but lately he really hadn't been able to keep it bottled up like before.

"I left because I thought it'd be better." There was a silence on the other end, but Newt could hear Thomas' clear breathing because of his rapid breaths through his cries.

"You're a fucking idiot." The blonde wanted to laugh, because yes, he was an idiot. But laughing didn't seem like the best thing to do in a moment like this one.

"I know." He could hear a slight giggle on the other end, and it made a small smile make its way onto his face before he realized why they were actually talking.

"Why?"

"I'm afraid of you." The blonde answered, and again the silence was deafening to him as he willed it away.

"Why would you be afraid of me? You can clearly take me." The confusion in his voice made Newt's heart skip a beat, and he knew he'd have to finish this conversation quickly if he wanted to somehow keep his sanity.

"I'm not afraid in the physical sense. I'm scared of what you've been doing to me." The hand that didn't hold his phone went to his forehead so that he could lean his head against it, as if that would help him in a situation like this. But he did it, waiting for Thomas to say something again.

"What's that mean?" Newt sighed, close to done with having this conversation as he was already hovering over the end call button.

"It means you've done something with my feelings for you." Before Thomas had any real chance to answer, Newt had hung up, leaving them both without each other.

Thomas was quick to get up, walking over to the kitchen to look in the liquor cabinet. He could use a drink, despite it still being extremely early in the morning. He looked and felt like a mess, knowing that Newt had made him play into the blondes hands like always. It made him doubt what the other really meant and what was an insincere lie. Thomas was starting to believe that everything that had happened since he stormed into the others place, was never even real to begin with like he'd felt. And the thought of Newt having some sort of feelings for him was an impossible option to him, so the blonde admitting that only made him doubt everything further.

In simpler words, he needed a drink, and he needed it now.

He found a half empty bottle of Bailey's, and he decided to stick to that before the noise of glass on glass hitting each other, became too obvious on what he was doing. He went through a brief moment of not knowing what day it was, but he quickly recovered when he settled on it being a Wednesday and a work day. Thomas groaned at the thought, his exhausted body barely managing to keep up with anything anymore. He was about to tilt his head back to down his drink before it was taken from his grasp.

"You're not drinking that." Thomas looked at Minho with a scowl on his face, clearly not being happy with the interruption.

"And why not?"

"Cause you ended up in the hospital last time." Thomas sighed, he couldn't argue with that even if he wanted to. There was no good comeback to shut Minho up.

"That was a one time thing."

"So don't make it a two time thing." Thomas whined, desperate to get the drink from the others grasp as he really needed it now, but Minho wouldn't even blink an eye to Thomas' needs.

"Please. Minho I need it."

"You need to sleep because you look half dead." It was true. Thomas did look dead with his pale white skin and red bloodshot eyes, but he was still living and breathing.

He reached out for the Bailey's once more, but his weak arm gave up and let Minho win against his struggle, if you could even call it a struggle given the fact that he barely even managed to fight it at all. Thomas simply rolled his eyes once more and pushed past the other, sinking down onto the couch until he had to get ready for work. Yes, he sat in the same place on the couch for seven hours until he had to get ready to strip.

Wednesday was another day off for Thomas, his bigger show being tomorrow with Minho. He hadn't really done much other than work, lounging around in random places in the apartment before showering and leaving with his car in the still pouring rain. To say that he was being productive would be a lie.

But around four in the afternoon on Wednesday, he heard his phone ring, indicating that he had a call. He reached for it with one hand while stuffing his face with popcorn with the other one, answering it and placing it against his ear.

"I need a bit of my stash." Thomas stopped chewing when he heard the familiar brit, nodding before realizing that Newt wouldn't be able to see that he was saying sure.

"Okay. That's fine." It was silent, an unspoken communication between them before Newt spoke again.

"I'll come round at five." And everything after that seemed to be a jumbled blur.

Newt came over and everything had been fine when they first conversed. But then somehow, and Thomas really couldn't grasp how in the hell it had happened, but somehow they ended up in his bed, naked and in a tangled mess under the covers whilst gasping for breath. It was all so painfully familiar to the both of them, and now it hurt Newt almost as much as it hurt Thomas, but neither of them said anything as they just lay there silently and their vision blurred in ecstasy.

They were a terrible, terrible mess that had crashed into flames with nothing to put them out.

"I guess I'll get my things and go?" Newt had meant for it to be a statement when he'd faced Thomas, but he found himself saying it as a question instead, because he really wasn't certain with anything anymore, and he really couldn't make up his mind with what he really wanted.

Thomas didn't respond first, he stared straight ahead at the wall before getting up, Newt following in pursuit as they got dressed with barely any sound made. They'd already gotten the stash that Newt needed, so now all he did was hand it to the blonde as he only smiled in return. And Thomas had to stand there and pretend like his heart wasn't shattering in a million pieces because Newt was walking out for what seemed to be the millionth time.

But maybe this was what they were destined to be. Maybe they'd never been meant to work but consistently stayed around each other because they didn't want to be gone from each others lives forever. Maybe their unstable ways were their own perfect love. That didn't change the fact that Newt suddenly wasn't in front of him anymore though, gone out the door and to his car as Thomas laid back down to cry into his pillow.

It all sounded so simple when he went through everything in his mind, and yet it was so hard. He didn't grasp it fully or understand what was happening, and yet he let it all happen without any thought. It was almost as if he understood the basics that seemed so easy, yet didn't understand it in depth and what it all really meant.

And so he cried instead. Most of his hatred, almost all of it, went to himself. He always

found himself back in Newt's arms and loving him regardless of anything he did, and Newt did almost everything he shouldn't be doing. Thomas let Newt break his heart whilst hopelessly hoping that the blonde might put it back together, but he never did. He left it broken as it got smashed and shattered as sobs racked through Thomas' body. But he didn't know that Newt had started to feel almost the exact same way.

It worked a little differently for Newt, but the concept was basically the same. He felt broken when he'd come home, not feeling the usual satisfaction after being intimate with Thomas like before. Newt dragged himself around the apartment before crashing down onto the couch, looking out the balcony door as he let out a sigh. He felt an unusual and unpleasant pain in his heart, and all he could think was how Thomas had caused his pain.

Thomas was doing this to him. Something had happened. He'd let something happen and his emotions took over despite his willpower to fight it. And now he was drowning in sadness as he wept because of what he'd done. He could never have Thomas. Not with how their barely there relationship had been established.

Something seemed to click in that moment as Newt was lying on his couch, watching the down pour outside as he felt himself be completely crushed from a nonexistent force. He could only conclude that that source was love, hurting him whilst trying to get him to see everything that was right in front of him. He was utterly and hopelessly in love with Thomas.

It was funny how realizing that he loved someone, made him want to cry even more and die in a ditch for being so cruel. But it wasn't like he'd meant for anything to go the way it had. Newt had focused on something turning into one thing when the final product turned out to be the complete opposite.

So, he went to find his phone in the mess that was his room, barely thinking about anything anymore as he just needed to do this one thing. Newt needed to get what was trapping him, off his chest before he'd burst. The blonde decided to just leave a voicemail, not wanting to speak with him in person anymore. And when the beep sounded and ringed in his ear, he shakily and unsurely spoke.

"I'm so sorry." Silence. What else was he supposed to say?

"I'm so sorry you had to fall in love with me, Tommy." He hung up, and he quickly realized that it hadn't been enough to stop the ache in his chest. Newt hadn't told him exactly what he needed to say, or what Thomas deserved to know, and he was being told exactly what through his unbearable and invisible pain.

Thomas was still lying in bed when his phone indicated that he had a voicemail. He grudgingly got up to walk to his desk where it lay, reaching for it and listening to it with no hesitation despite it being from Newt.

But after hearing it, he'd wished that he had hesitated, because what Newt said made him drop his phone and stare at it for a good few minutes before bending down to get it back in his grasp. He didn't know if he should respond with a voicemail, or call, text, or even go to his place. Thomas ended up pacing in his room instead, pulling at his hair as he bit his lip anxiously.

He ended up calling Newt ten minutes later, and the blonde answered quicker than he'd expected him too. What he first noted was that Newt seemed to be out of breath for whatever reason, and he seemed to be in a public place as well as Thomas could hear cars in the background. He let his own thoughts take over as whatever words came, slipped off his tongue.

"I'm not sorry for any of it." He waited for Newt to say something, but he heard a knock on the door that interrupted the thought. Thomas walked out to the living room as he heard Newt's breathing seemingly calming to a regular pace before he finally said something.

"I need to tell you something." Thomas mumbled an okay whilst he looked at his different colored socks, walking swiftly to the door as he opened it. The sight made him gasp out in shock and drop his phone once more.

Newt was standing there, his hair a mess and drenched with water dripping down at the tips and onto his tinted cheeks. The blonde still had his phone to his ear, but his eyes were focused deeply onto Thomas' own dark and seemingly surprised ones. Thomas managed a smile, one that Newt returned kindly before he bit his lip, subconsciously looking down at Thomas' own. Thomas knew that Newt had been crying just as much as he had, his eyes and hesitant smile showing him the truth, and he was oddly relieved that the blonde seemed to be in just as bad shape as himself.

And then it only took another second for Newt to reach out to Thomas before he pulled him into a kiss, his cold, wet lips pressed against Thomas' warm and chapped ones, and the blondes hand went to Thomas' thin waist whilst Thomas let his hands weave its way through the others hair. They kissed until Newt could no longer breath and neither could the other, and they looked at each other longingly with their foreheads against each other.

And then Thomas saw it. In that moment he could see precisely what that kiss had been for Newt.

It was Newt's way of saying his first I love you.

Alright so the surprise is... a new Newtmas story called The Devil Within :O and the first chapter is up now and yeah if you wanna you can read it but yeah I don't know XD. Byeeeee.