Alexander

John was so cute when he slept. His head was on my chest, and I was just combing my fingers through his hair. I kissed the top of his head and carefully got out of the bed, careful not to wake him. I went down to my car and pulled out the box of letters of made for him, though it seemed that there was actually one letter worth reading in the mess of crumbled drafts. I tied a wide green ribbon around the box to keep it shut. I went back upstairs to the apartment and saw him still passed out. I couldn't help but smile.

I got down to put the box under the bed, so I could pull it out later, when I noticed an article of clothing under his bed. I stretched out for it, and looked at the fabric in my hands. It looked almost like a sports bra but without any type of padding. I looked over at John and noticed his shirt was tugged up from how he was laying. And I could see something black on his chest but I couldn't make out what it was.

I wanted to check under his shirt but he shifted in his sleep and I couldn't risk it. So I took the clothing in my hand and went out to go talk to Lafayette and Hercules.

"What is this?" I asked. Both of them had a blank expression on their faces. They turned to each other, and Lafayette started to curse in French. "What is this!" I repeated.

"It's John's binder," Hercules said. "Do you know what a binder is?" I looked down at the binder in my hands.

"Yeah... Yeah, I know what a binder is. Why wouldn't he tell me about this?"

"Alexander, why don't you go with Hercules to get some food. John will tell you when he's ready to tell you," Lafayette said softly.

"No, I need to know. I need to ask him-"

"John will tell you when he's ready to tell you," Lafayette repeated.

"Fine!" I shoved he binder into my jacket and left with Hercules. But when we came back, I pretended like nothing bothered me. It was then that I noticed the slight curves on John's body when he walked or the very slight abrasion on his chest when he wasn't hunched over. Or when I put my hand around his waist and felt the fabric over his skin. When I kissed his cheek, it felt different.

I had to confront him. So when he went into the bedroom, I pulled the binder out of my jacket and held onto it. "Alexander, I don't think this is a good idea," Hercules said.

"I need to talk to him." I took a deep breath and walked into the room. "Looking for this?"

John looked up and he had this face that looked like he was a lost puppy. "Alex. I-"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want to. I didn't know how."

"John!"

"What the fuck was I supposed to say? Hey, I'm John Laurens. I'm a guy but I'm not really a guy?"

"Please just... Tell me."

"Fine," he muttered.

So he told me. He told me everything, from the very beginning to now. How he was on testosterone and how he was getting top surgery in less than a month. I didn't have a problem with John being transgender, I was just hurt that he didn't tell me, because that's not news you hear from someone's friends. "Alex..." he whispered. "Please Alex..." I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, but I tried my best not to let them fall. "Try to understand..." I didn't know what to say. "Alexander please..." And then John started crying. Sobbing. But I couldn't bring myself to go anywhere, I just stayed still, standing in front of him.

"Goddammit Alexander! Aren't you going to say something?" he said aggressively.  It caught me off guard.

"I..." was all I could get out.

He looked up at me with this big puppy dog eyes just flowing with tears. My heart dropped, but I didn't know what to do.

"I..."

He started to stand up, and I took a small step back. I don't know why but I did.

"I need to go," I said.

I saw his shoulders drop. I felt so terrible. "Alex..." John whispered, taking another step. "No..." I couldn't move.

"I need to go," I repeated. So I took a deep breath and left. When I got to my car, I let everything out. I cried and hit my steering wheel. I was in there for God knows how long, just crying. I hurt him. Oh my God, I hurt him. But I couldn't find it in me to go back and apologize. He probably never wanted to see me again. I should've said it didn't matter. I should've said... I should've told him that I loved him.

There was a knock on my window. It was Lafayette. Oh God. I wiped my eyes and stepped out of the car. "Alexa-"

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to hurt him. I just... I don't know what I was thinking!"

Lafayette just stood there, taken back by my outburst. "I think you need to give John some time before you talk to him again." Of course. He was right. So I just nodded and took a deep breath. Lafayette put out his hand and I shook it. It felt like I as making a deal with the devil. Give John time? What if John didn't want to see me again? What if John never forgives me?

I got back in my car and drove back to my dorm. It was so cold and lonely. Most people left home for the break. But I was one of the few who had no where to go. I had somewhere, and I blew it. I'm such an idiot. I just crawled back into my bed and cried.

John

*two weeks later*

I sat on my bed, facing my wall, completely and utterly heartbroken. I hadn't moved, I had barely eaten. I just sat in bed and slept. I could tell Laf and Hercules were worried about me, but I couldn't help it. I wouldn't even take my pills. Just another week. Just another week. Just six more days and I can feel more like myself. I'll miss the first day of class for the second semester, but I'm okay with that.

"We aren't going to let you stay in here. It's the last week of break. C'mon let's at least go outside John!" Hercules said. I sighed and decided to go ahead and let them enjoy their break. Since I had just kept them inside the whole time. So I got dressed and we walked all over town. I got a haircut. We ate lunch. It wasn't anything all that special. But it was nice to just get out of the apartment for a while. We were out for a fairly long while. By the time we got back home, the sun was already setting.

I froze when we got inside. Alex was sitting there, looking straight me. I didn't know if I should've felt happy or upset. "John... Please don't be upset with me. I just want to talk," he said. He sounded genuine. I looked over at Lafayette and Hercules. They nodded and went up to the apartment.

"Okay," I sighed.

[i know this really sucked but I feel like crap guys... but I wanna update still. it will get better in time. the next chapter should be better - k i t]