Alex

John rarely spoke. Rarely ate. Rarely moved. He just sat in a constant state of shock. It had been two weeks since the rape. John didn't want to talk about it, and I didn't blame him. I just wish he'd open up to me. I wish he wouldn't flinch every time I tried to hug him. I know there's nothing I can do but I wish I could. I took a deep breath and walked into our room. He was asleep, curled up into a small little ball on the left side of the bed.

I went and laid next to him, gently brushing my fingers through his hair. I loved his long curls, and I know he wanted them gone. I told him I'd take him to get a haircut whenever he wanted, but he was hesitant to go outside again. Laf went to go buy clippers so we could just cut his hair here. He would feel safer that way. He agreed, but he's been in such a rut that it's hard to get him to do anything. My heart went out to him and I just wanted to hold him forever. My love, ripped apart at seam. I had to fix this, or I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

I kissed his forehead and gently tried to wake him up. He rolled closer to me. "Hey, why don't you get up and we can cut your hair like we talked about?" I said softly. He shrugged and sat up. I helped him stand up and went to the kitchen where Laf set up a chair and we draped a towel over John's chest. "How do you want it?"

"Short." His voice was raspy from lack of use.

"How short?" Laf asked.

"I'll tell you when to stop."

So Laf handed the clippers and I started cutting. I ended up shaving the sides more than the top. There was light curls left on the top of his head. That's how he wanted it. And God, he could work that hairstyle. He could work anything. I could tell he was a little happy about this as a smile flickered on his face in the mirror. He ran a hand through his hair. He gave me a hug. It was the first time he'd hugged me without hesitation in a while. I hugged him back.

"Do you like it?"

He nodded. I was a bit disappointed. I wanted him to say something. I was beginning to miss his voice. "Thank you," he squeaked. I smiled and he intertwined his fingers with mine.

"Anything for you, Johnny." He smiled a bit more and kissed my cheek. I followed him into the bedroom as he climbed back under the covers. I sighed. "Why don't we go do something?" I suggested. He ignored it.

"I've never had my hair this short before. Do you like it Alex?" I was surprised he was trying to initiate a conversation. His voice was cracking still but was slowly fixing itself.

"John. I love your hair. But are you listening to me?"

His hands plopped down from his head into his lap. "I-I don't know. I like being in here. I-I don't want to be out there anymore."

I frowned. "But I'll be right beside you. Don't you trust me?"

"Of course I do. I just don't trust other people. I just like being inside. Is that so wrong?"

"I guess not. I'm just getting worried John. You've barely eaten or moved or talked or anything in two weeks." He looked down sadly at his lap. "We don't have to leave anywhere. Just please don't shut down babe," I said, putting a hand on his shoulder. He turned into me and teared up. He started to shake and cry I could tell because I could feel the dampness on my shirt seeping against my chest.

"I can still feel him Alex..."

"It's okay."

"But you're right. I shouldn't have shut down on you two like that. I-I'm sorry. I just... I don't know..." He used a pillow to dry his face.

"And I wouldn't expect you to. Now why don't you go sit on the couch, lay down out there. I'll make you some food. Okay?" I gently took the pillow from his hands and put it behind him. I used my thumb gently to wipe the remaining tears away.

"Okay," he replied. He gave me another hug and a brief kiss. "Thank you for everything Alex. I love you."

"I love you too." He intertwined our fingers. "I'm going to be right beside you. I promise you I'm not going anywhere." I ran my fingers softly through his now super short curls. He leaned against me like a cat and kissed my cheek. I left the room and let him change and I had to figure out how to get today off as well.

Getting a day off was not easy by any means. So while John was changing, I had to call my boss.

"Mr. Washington?"

"Hamilton. Why aren't you at work?"

"Mr. Washington, do you remember the day I had to leave early?"

"Yes."

"Well you see sir. My boyfriend went through some trauma. I-I have to be here for him."

"Well what happened?"

"I-I-I don't want to say-"

"Hamilton if you're going to ask for more than one day off I have to know why. You missed two days last week and the week before that. I need to know what is happening to my employee."

"He... Someone... Someone raped him, sir. He's very vulnerable and doesn't want to be alone. Please, sir, understand. He needs me."

"I see. Does he wish to press charges?"

"He wants the memory gone, sir."

"I don't know who wouldn't."

"He doesn't want to take anything to court. He doesn't want there to be a lack of evidence and for his word not to be taken seriously because he's..."

"He's what, Hamilton?"

"He's... uh...."

"Hamilton!"

"Trans, sir."

There was a deep sigh. "I see. Well... Don't tell anyone I've given you time off. I hope you understand you won't be receiving pay. I understand you want to be there for your boyfriend. And I understand that this is serious stuff. If he ever wants to press charges, we can help him. When will you be returning Alexander?"

"I don't know. He just... He needs me. Thank you so much for understanding, sir. Thank you."

"Have a good day, Alexander."

"You too, sir."

I put my phone down and felt relieved that I was going to have time to help John recuperate. I knocked on the door to our bedroom. "John, c-can I come in?"

"Y-Yeah."

I came and John was curled up on the bed. He wiped his eyes and apologized immediately for crying again. I just ran up to him and scooped him into my embrace. "You don't have to apologize for anything. Why don't we go for a walk? We can go get some coffee or something."

"Yeah. That s-sounds nice," he smiled. He smiled. Genuinely smiled. His smirk was so cute and made my insides melt. He fixed his hair with his fingers which made him smile wider. I loved it when he looked so happy, which was beginning to become a more rare thing. He weaved our fingers together and we walked to the elevator. John rested his head on my shoulder as we waited for the elevator to stop.

We walked, and not once did John let go of my hand. He stood closer whenever a man was walking our direction and had me put my arm around him. The wind made his curls bounce, since his usual peppy step wasn't there anymore. They were pushed back and flopping all around his head. The wind brought a pink tint to his cheeks and his perfect lips curved into a soft smile. His breath was visible and this obviously entertained him. He looked over at me and my breath hitched at the captivating sight of his big brown eyes. I tried counting every freckle on his face, but lost count around fifteen before getting completely lost in the absolutely breathtaking beauty that was John freaking Laurens. He nudged me, pulling me out of my trance.

"Hey, are you listening to me?"

"I..uh, Of course I am."

"Then what did I just say?"

"You... uh... I-I... Sorry...."

He just laughed and squeezed my hand gently. "I said 'do you want to go into this coffee shop or find a Starbucks'. I mean, it's New York, it can't be that hard to find a Starbucks."

I looked at the building. The outside looked rather plain, like any other building, I mean, besides the LGBT flag painted over one of the door's windows. I shrugged and said sure so we walked inside. It was warm and looked just like a Starbucks just with a lot less people. The walls were painted a light pink and they had pictures from pride parades and LGBT milestones cut out from newspapers in thick black frames. There were two women behind the counter, and both looked utterly happy. So did John. I smiled and kissed his temple. I let him pick a table for us to sit at and I went and ordered us some coffees.

"Hi! What can I get you?" a woman with dark hair and a light blue t-shirt said.

"Hi. Can I have two black coffees?"

"Just plain coffee?"

I shrugged.  "Yeah, I-I don't really know what my boyfriend likes."

She just giggled. "Well why don't you ask him?"

I blushed but walked over to John and brought him back with me to the counter. "Is there a specific type of coffee you want, babe?"

"Uh... I-I mean, Laf makes this really sweet coffee that kinda tastes like chocolate. Can you guys do something like that?"

She nodded furiously. "Of course!"

"Thanks," he mumbled and he went and sat down.

"I'll just have what he's having," I said. She smiled sweetly and nodded. I paid and went to sit down with John.

"Wait, did you say Laf? As in Lafayette?"

"Uh, yeah."

"No way! Are you John Laurens?"

"Y-Yeah..."

"Oh my God!" She practically jumped over the counter to run up to him and hug him. I'll admit I felt a little jealous. But at the same time concerned considering John was still recovering. "Laf's told me so much about you! I'm Eliza Schuyler." She smiled and put out her hand.

"Hey..." he replied awkwardly. "H-How do you know Laf?"

"He used to work with sister, Angelica. But then Angelica got married and moved away. Then he used to work a bit here to help me and my girlfriend land on our feet."

"Wow. That's incredible. I'm surprised I've never heard of you."

"We don't really talk much these days, he's always so busy and I'm making constant changes to the shop."

"Shame. But it was nice to meet you."

"You too. And who are you?" she asked me.

"Alexander Hamilton. John's boyfriend. You can just call me Alex."

She smiled and shook my hand. "Nice to meet you Alex. Now let me get you your coffees." And she skipped off happily. I looked at John, who seemed completely unmoved by a total stranger hugging him. He sat down and tugged me down next to him so he could lean on me.

"I love you." I was taken back a bit by this. I wasn't expecting him to say anything.

"I love you too."

"No, like. I really really love you." His voice cracked.

"Hey babe, what's wrong?"

"Nothing. I just don't want to lose you," he whispered, gripping onto my arm and turning into me. I gave him a tight hug and a quick kiss to his head.

"You're not going to lose me. I promise. I'm always going to be right here."

Eliza came out with our coffees and smiled at us and John drank his, holding his cup with both hands likes small child. She asked if she could take a picture to put up on her 'Acceptance Board'.

"We only have a few pictures. It's a work in progress. I'm trying to make our place as friendly as we can," she explained.

"Sure, we don't mind," John said. Eliza got all smiley and called out for someone named 'Mariah'.

"This is my girlfriend, Maria. Maria, this is John Laurens and Alexander Hamilton. Laf's friends."

Maria smiled at us and shook our hands before pulling out a polaroid camera from behind the counter. I asked Eliza to take one with my phone as well. I just put my arm around John and smiled at the camera. John put his arms around my neck and kissed my cheek, making me blush and smile even wider.

"You guys are too cute. I hope we see you around soon."

We said our goodbyes, grabbed our coffees and left. John looked so happy as we continued walking. His hand was in mine and he stayed attached to my hip, not that I was complaining. "Did you mean that?"

"Mean what?"

"That you're always going to be here for me."

"Of course."

"Thank you," he whispered. I squeezed his hand gently and kissed his temple.

"I love you John. As long as I'm here I promise I'll always protect you."

He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and we kept walking. I don't even know where we going but I could tell just walking with him helped. His smile slowly began to come back and stay on his face. You could see it in his eyes. His bouncing curls put me in a trance and I barely avoided collision with three posts and a handful of people walking around me. John asked if we could go to a park, which I responded yes of course. And we found ourselves sitting on a damp table and shivering as the snow melted beneath our asses and seeped through our pants and underwear.

"Alex... I-I have something I need to tell you."

Any sign of happiness had flushed out of his face and he looked like he'd just seen a ghost. "John, what's wrong?"

"I...I..." He started to cry. I brought him into my arms and rocked him until he caught his breath. "I-I think I might be pr-pr-pregnant..." he stammered.

"What?"

"I-I don't know for sure. But... But I have to know."

"Why didn't you tell me any sooner?"

"Because I didn't know what you'd think. And besides, most at-home pregnancy tests require at least two weeks after sex for accurate results."

"But John... What did you think I-... Did you think I would leave you?"

He didn't verbally reply. He just softly nodded and started to cry again. "I totally get why you would. I-I mean, I would be pregnant with someone else's kid!"

"Hey. No. John. Stop. I would never leave you if you were pregnant. I'm not that type of guy. And it's not like you had a choice. He took you away from me John."

He muttered something under his breath while wiping his eyes.

"What?"

"I said I wish it was yours!"

I was taken back a bit. "John. If you're pregnant, even if it's not mine, I will love this baby with all my heart. Just like I love you."

He smiled as more tears fell and he pulled me into a kiss. We went to the nearest corner store and bought a pregnancy test. John winced slightly at the extremely feminine packaging. "I-I'm scared Alex," he said, walking into the elevator.

"I know babe. But, it doesn't matter. Nothing is going to change the way I feel about you. Just calm down and do your thing." We walked into the apartment and John made a beeline to the bathroom. I started to put together some hot chocolate for us and while the cup turned slowly in the microwave I made my way over to him and knocked on the door. "I-I'm right outside the door John," I said.

"Okay," he said faintly. "Alex I-I-I can't... What if it comes back positive?"

"Shh, hey. Don't worry about that. We'll discuss it if it comes to it. But I will support you no matter what Johnny. I'm right here for you. Like I said I'd be."

"Okay. Y-You're right. You're right. Okay," he sighed.

He left me in the dark for the next ten minutes as I felt anxiety building up inside me. The pressure of not knowing what my dearest John was going through. My heart ached and I wished I could just hold him in my arms. My heart was racing. I was nervous. What if John really was pregnant? I was stressed beyond relief. "J-John, are you okay?"

He didn't reply. I could hear his footsteps but no answer.

"John," I repeated.

"Oh my God," I heard faintly. I stood up and rattled the doorknob, panicked.

"John please open the door." He did. And he stood there with red cheeks and the rest in his hands. "So, what does it say? Are we going to be parents?" I asked.

"It's negative."

I didn't know whether to feel disappointed or relieved so I searched his face for a reaction I could supply. He ran a hand through his hair and dropped it.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

He just shrugged. "George didn't get me pregnant, so I guess I'm okay." He plopped himself down on the couch and just sat there. I sat next to him and scooped him into my arms.

"Did you want to be pregnant?" I asked.

"I don't know. I want kids, sure... But pregnant... I-I-I don't think I could handle that."

"It's okay. Maybe one day we can adopt some kids. But as of now, it's okay for it to just be the two of us."

"I love you," he said, leaning against me.

"I love you too." I kissed his forehead.

"How do you feel?" he asked.

"I don't know. I would've supported you either way, you know that. I love you too much to do anything different."

He smiled and wrapped his arms around my neck. "What would I do without you, Alex?" he said softly. John stayed sitting on the couch and I went and brought him some hot chocolate and threw away the test. "Hey do you want to watch a movie or something?"

"Sure, why not. What do you want to watch?"

"Anything with a happy ending."