... this was originally supposed to be smut for the Smut Apocalypse but it kinda ended up as crack 😂 The smut just wouldn't happen so I decided to make it full-on crack so yeah... THIS IS CRACK (there might be a few 'sexual hints' tho but eh)

Just your every day in the Cage together with Michael, Lucifer & Nick.

~~~~~~

Nick wasn't exactly sure just where he was supposed to look. The poor man wasn't even sure what was going on, or how he got stuck here for that matter. It all seemed like a particularly cruel - and not funny at all - joke to him.

He glanced between Michael and Lucifer from his own corner in the cage they were stuck in. The last clear thing that Nick remembered was Lucifer leaving him for Sam, and before he knew it, he was somehow in The Cage in Hell. Together with not only Lucifer, but Michael as well. Nick wasn't sure where Sam and the vessel Michael used had gone to, but they weren't here, that he knew for sure.

A deep sigh left his lips as he curled in on himself, trying to ignore the fighting Archangels to the best of his abilities. That was no easy task. Nick was strongly convinced that all of Hell could hear the shrieking and howling of those two.

Angelic my ass, Nick grumpily thought.

"Let's just ask Nick then!" Michael loudly exclaimed out of nowhere. Nick blinked. "Hey, Nick!" The Archangel called out. "What is your favorite ice cream flavor?"

Nick blinked again, wondering if the two of them had officially lost it. He doubtfully answered, "Strawberry."

"We're not getting any further with this," Lucifer said to that, scowling at Michael with his pink plumage puffed out like some greatly offended bird, "now we have three flavors!" He whined before turning to Nick. "Vanilla or chocolate, Nick?"

Nick could only stare. "... are you two seriously fighting about which ice cream flavor is the best?" He blurted out, unable to hide his disbelief. If only Heaven and Hell knew about this and saw the 'mightiest' Archangels as they were now.

"Yes," the Archangels said in perfect sync with each other. Upon receiving Nick's look, Lucifer added, "It gets boring down here quickly."

Nick couldn't help but agree with that. "Chocolate," he replied, just wanting to get it over with, "I never liked vanilla ice cream."

Michael fist pumped the air in victory as a small cry came from Lucifer. Before Nick knew it, he had a certain pink-winged angel wrapped around him like a huge suffocating blanket. "That's just mean, Nick! I thought you were my human!"

"I'm sorry about that, Luce," Nick told him, awkwardly petting one of the huge wings and shoving a fistful of sparkling feathers out of his face. Why he could see angel wings inside the Cage was beyond him, but he didn't mind much. They were very pretty to look at; both Michael's and Lucifer's wings shone and sparkled as if made out of thousands of tiny gems in radiant shades of blue and pink respectively.

Not being able to resist himself, Nick reached out and placed his hand on one of Lucifer's immense wings, marveling over how soft they felt and how they sparkled like a precious stone in the little light they had. A shiver went through Lucifer's body at the contact and Nick smiled at that.

A distressed sound of some sorts came from Michael's direction and then Lucifer was pulled off him with a loud shriek and flailing limbs and wings. Michael thew Lucifer off with ease - the latter yelling loudly - and then Nick was pulled on his feet, pressed flush against Michael's firm chest. What the heck is going on with those two? He couldn't help but think.

In a way, it made him think of a nature documentary he once watched years ago, being forced to do so by his former wife. It was about some kind of territorial species of bird he could never remember the name of. The way Michael and Lucifer were acting made him think of those birds. And in this analogy, Nick was the territory they were fighting about.

For a second, he considered telling them this fact but decided against it - not wanting to offend them or anything.

Standing on his toes, Nick peeked over Michael's shoulder - who appeared to be humming softly - and looked at Lucifer who was sprawled on the Cage floor like some glorified starfish. His pink wings completely stilled when he noticed Nick in Michael's arms and those red eyes narrowed. "Michael! Let go of him. He's my human!" Lucifer called out.

"No," Michael replied with a huff, "he's my human now."

Territorial birds alright, Nick thought, trying to wiggle out of Michael's hold. Michael's arms tightened around him and Nick sighed slightly, realizing that it was pointless trying to free himself from the eldest Archangel. If he had to be brutally with himself though, he didn't mind being held like this. Being touched by Michael was like being touched by fire, Nick concluded. Dangerous but with a certain pleasant thrill to it.

The flapping sound of wings was the only warning Nick got before he and Michael got tacked to the floor by Lucifer. A yelp left Nick's lips when he got squeezed underneath the two of them. He gave Lucifer a glare who in return put up his most innocent expression as if he had done no wrong.

"Will you please get off?" Nick asked, moving his face away so he wouldn't end up choking on feathers.

Lucifer lazily shrugged, wings flapping behind him. "I don't know. I'm rather comfy this way." The Devil said with a sly smirk, wiggling around on top of Michael, who appeared to be rather happy to be where he was.

Shaking his head at the two of them, Nick suppressed a smile. While they might be occasionally annoying, he had to admit he had grown fond of the two angels.

Reached out, he managed to touch Lucifer's face where he lightly petted his cheek. Lucifer followed his movements with a child-like curiosity, tilting his head slightly. "If only the world could see the two of you now," Nick spoke in amusement, stroking Lucifer's cheek who leaned into his touch.

"Why's that?" Michael asked, nuzzling his face against Nick's neck.

Nick shrugged. "It's just that the two of you don't seem so terrifying now compared to what most believe," he replied, removing his hand from Lucifer's face, who seemed almost disappointed at the lack of contact.

Before Lucifer could say something, a startled yelp left Nick's lips when Michael started nibbling on the sensitive skin of his neck. A shiver went through him and Lucifer's eyes widened almost comically at what he was witnessing. In a flash, Lucifer took a hold of one of Michael's immense wings, and he bit down. Hard.

A loud shriek left Michael and he jumped up, throwing Lucifer off his back. Wide-eyed, he turned to look at him. "You bit my wing!"

"You bit Nick!" Lucifer retorted.

"Please don't make such a big fuss out of it," Nick helplessly tried, sitting up slowly, not wanting them to fight again.

Lucifer stared at him. "He bit you."

"Actually," Nick started to correct him, "he only nibbled my neck. It didn't hurt or anything."

At that Lucifer walked to the corner of the cage and banged his head against the wall with a groan, rattling the cage slightly. Feeling a pair of eyes on him, Nick looked up to see Michael's mischievous smirk. I know that look, the human thought, backing away and starting to run. Michael sprinted after him but because they were trapped inside The Cage they ran around in circles.

A pair of strong arms wound around his waist after a few rounds and Nick's feet left the floor. Michael held him above his head as if the human was some kind of trophy, a triumphant cry leaving his lips. Nick meanwhile curled himself into a ball, not wanting to be dropped.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY NICK?!" Lucifer bellowed. "Give him back, you ass!" The Devil cried.

"Nick is mine now!" Michael cried back to him. Nick just wanted to be back with his feet on the ground.

"You two are dorks!" Nick yelled at them. But the fuming Archangels didn't seem to notice, too busy glaring at each other. Nick nervously wiggled around in Michael's hold, knowing that if they started to fight now he would be caught in the crossfire.

"This means war," Lucifer whispered, placing his hand behind his back so Michael and Nick wouldn't see what he was doing. Slowly, Michael put Nick back on the ground just for something pink and sparkling to fly at their faces.

Nick and Michael were hit with something square in the face. They both fell as Nick started coughing, looking at the pink glitters Lucifer had thrown at them.

Is he seriously attacking us with glitters? Ran through his mind in pure disbelief.

A war cry came from Michael. Nick watched how the first being ever created - and 'Heaven's Greatest Warrior' - jumped at Lucifer and started bombarding the Devil with glitters of his own, completely covered in hot pink glitters as he did so. Blue and pink glitters flew around as the screams of the Archangels filled the air. In no time at all, every corner of the cage was covered in sparkling blue and pink glitters. As well as its three occupants.

Shaking his head and making a shower or blue and pink glitters rain down, Nick took a closer look at said glitters. In the corner of his eyes, he could see the angels rolling around with wildly flapping wings.

Nick recognized those glitters. "Wing glitters," he muttered. "They are fighting with wing glitters." He shook his head, wondering how they even got them. Angel Magic was limited in the Cage, the human knew. He knew that birds molted so a tiny voice inside him wondered if Archangels 'molted' with glitters instead of feathers. The idea alone was greatly humorous to him and a laugh escaped his lips at the idea of Michael and Lucifer scattering their glitters all over the place.

Nick went back to his corner of the cage and sat down, watching the angels roll around - still tossing glitters at each other - with a fond smile on his face.

Something unbelievable had happened. Way down in the deepest and darkest pit of Hell, in the greatest prison of the universe, Nick had managed to find his home.

With his two angels.