Dear all,

as promised I post the second new chapter of  "Loving you is forbidden" :-)

Thank you very very very much for your amazing and warm welcome back, it is fantastic, as Travis would say, to be back here with you all.

I hope you will enjoy this one, too.

A picture of our Alexi (--> very handsome Kerry Degman) and a song that somehow I saw going well with this chapter and the difficult relationship the Mighty Sasha and Tolya had.

I dedicate this chapter to my twin and dearest friend Purva! Thank you for everything!

And now...enjoy!

And please remember: tomorrow I will post a new chapter of "Fallen for an Angel", so stay tuned!

Cheers,

-TheWitchAndTheCat-

The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for", by Bob Marley

ANATOLY POV:

I was alone with the Mighty Sasha. I swallowed down silently and felt something prickling my skin, and it was related to being alone with him. I was not used to it anymore and something heavy still weighted on me when it came to him.

I looked at Sasha and didn't know what to say, but he wasn't someone to beat around the bush and he talked to me immediately.

"I came here to talk to you, Tolya. I had thought to give you some time, as for sure forcing you never worked but my love, my Travis, said that maybe this time I could risk it." The way his eyes softened the moment he spoke about his man let me clearly understand that indeed Travis had been able to discover new sides of my friend. That crazy dude was a lucky and special sexy dude.

"He's quite the person, I kinda like him," I admitted without thinking about the possible meaning of my words and immediately realized them as I went to explain myself, but Sasha only chuckled.

"I know what you mean and however, you'd have no chances. We are soul-mates," he said it looking straight at my eyes, as if searching for something, but then he smirked clearly showing he meant what he said. He surely was very territorial and I bet rather possessive, given his reaction. I wondered what kind of man Oleg would be: jealous, very easy going, territorial or not? I could not tell yet. Silence dropped between us and his eyes kept staring at me, but then he broke it. "Tolya, it is not just what Travis suggested, but I thought about everything and I want to understand what happened. I know something happened, because after thinking about it and about what happened in general, I came to the conclusion years ago you changed in a way that was not normal. What happened, Tolya? Do you feel like talking with me?"

To say I was surprised was the statement of the year. The Mighty Sasha stood there in front of me asking if we could talk and if I was open to that. I had underestimated my friend and that was crystal clear; I sighed and once more realized that bastard was right.

"Is it OK?" He asked once more, studying my face.

"Yeah, sorry, you just surprised me," I admitted. I passed a hand in my hair and dropped a moment on the couch, thinking about this, and then decided to man-up and trust what Oleg said. "Maybe we could go to my room, if you don't mind it, because there we can talk quietly and well, you know...yeah, a lot happened and to be honest it was long time I was waiting for the right moment to talk to you, but I am a bit of a freaking coward and didn't know how to...never mind. We can go upstairs if that is fine with you." Sasha simply nodded.

I had to admit that I still felt not completely relaxed being alone around him, for the simple reason that what happened years ago had left quite the mark in my friend and had completely destroyed the friendship we had. But maybe I had a chance today to improve what we already were both trying to re-build? I knew Sasha was making an effort, too. Also, he was in a way in which it was very hard to forgive such deep betrayal. I had no idea from where to start and what would come out from that, but one thing was absolutely certain: I had to stop being a fucking coward and I owned an explanation to my friend.

I closed the door and Sasha once more looked around in my room, probably remembering the time we used to spend here all together talking about bullshit, or about yesterday's game as I tried to find those sports as interesting as it was for my friends, or simply playing a game together. We used to study together, because my brother has never been very bright and he often needed to review something with us, given that Sasha and River were real smartass. In that I was similar, because my brain easily memorized notions, formulas and information, and apparently it was smart enough to elaborate everything in the right way. Well, almost everything. I let my friend -finally I was able to associate that word with him without feeling regret or shame- wander around the room and then he stopped right in front of my desk and picked a book. He read the title and smiled, turning to me. It was one of my favourite books of all times and to be honest, nobody knew about it for the simple reason I thought they would tease me. Now, I felt at ease with him, because his smile was not to tease me. His smile reminded me of the old Sasha and of our old times.

"I see you still read and like this book here," he took it in his hands, "Travis loves this book."

I looked at "Wuthering Heights" and then at him, and then damn, his words hit me.

"What do you mean I still read this book?" Oh joy, they all knew about it? I could imagine Derek making jokes about it, probably together with Dima.

"I saw this book in your room years ago and it was clear you had read it a few times, right?" Sasha placed the book back and set his strong eyes on me. "Nobody noticed that, well maybe River, but you know him. I always knew you liked, no wait...that you loved reading and I'm happy you still do. I know you kept it personal, because you and I are similar: we keep many things for ourselves. I think we used to keep too much for ourselves," he paused a moment sighing and I wondered what was passing in his mind, but I always sucked at reading people's faces. He then smiled briefly at me and I had to look away feeling suddenly shy, because I wasn't used to the Mighty Sasha smiling in that way. He was very handsome and he had a touch of sweetness that took me aback.

"I always knew that of you, Tolya, and you know what? Travis loves reading, too. He had read this book several times and we watched an old movie based on the story. I gave it a try and I liked it."

"You read and liked 'Wuthering Heights'"? I asked very surprised.

"Yeah, Travis can be persuasive and I think you had an idea yourself," he said looking at me, knowing for sure we had talked over the Skype.

"Yeah, he's quite the guy; he sure knows you well and loves you like crazy. But you love him like crazy, too, right? It was clear from the reaction you had before."

"I do and I want to spend my life with him. I would cross hell for him, everything for my Travis. We both want the same. When he'll be back from London we'll live together." He had no doubt about that and I felt jealous in a good way, because shit, would I ever find so much love? I doubted that, but the words that bastard, Oleg, told me this morning, the way his eyes stared at me as if wanting to mark my skin with them, as if wanting to carve them in my brain, in my eyes. I sighed and Sasha was too smart for my good, because one look at me was enough for him to guess enough.

"You seem to understand what I mean, or however, you have someone in mind, right?" I didn't say a word and kept silent, but he understood my silence better than any stupid word. "I noticed the way you two interacted that other day and the fact that somehow, you ease down with him, because you hate to be looked after, but that man is probably the only person that found some hidden switch in you, correct? That man would probably kill anybody wanting to hurt you." His words made me think to what happened around late summer and I wondered if what Oleg did was only for my family or if deep down, it was a bit for me, too. I shook my head and realized once more I was trying to hold onto nothing. Oleg was Oleg and he was loyal to my father and therefore to all of us. He would have killed anybody trying to hurt our family and not for further reasons.

"That man is a creepy bastard that looks after our family and he would probably do it for all of us." Sasha looked at me and smirked. "What?"

"You have it wrong, I think. I saw his eyes that day and the day of months ago...Tolya, I recognized myself in those eyes, when..."

"I know and I am sorry," I said and he immediately understood, because he nodded as to say thank you for understanding and thank you for avoiding bringing it up once more.

"He is very loyal to your family without doubts and I know it, but what moved inside of him was not dictated by loyalty, Tolya. I might be wrong, because I don't know him, but there was something in him."

"You imagine things," I said, feeling now more confused and hating that with burning passion. Could that be true? What I felt, or actually imagined to feel, was real? Was it possible? Argh...I shook my head to chase those idiotic thoughts away.

"I will not ask questions, if you want to talk to me, I am here for you. However don't worry; I doubt other people noticed that, at least, Dima didn't notice anything for sure." What he said didn't put me at rest, because in that room were also present River and Adrian, and fuck me: both were probably sharper than the Mighty Sasha.

I swallowed down and looked away, thinking about Oleg and about what happened this morning. Was Sasha right? I could not tell and I could not think about it, because it would have been a huge mess and no, it could not be possible. Oleg was not...no, it wasn't possible. Out of question. Anatoly, do not let yourself get in deep shit once more. This was dangerous on too many levels.

I looked at my friend again and decided it was time to tell him everything. Now I knew from where to start.

"Sasha, I'm sorry." My shoulders squared up and my eyes stopped straight at his, wanting to tell him that I meant every word. "I am sorry for everything and for all the shit I said and did."

"You already apologized, Tolya."

"No, not in the right way and you need to know. I have no excuses for what I said and what I did, I behaved in the worst way...like a piece of shit and I could say sorry until my voice is gone and my throat hurts, but it will never be enough. It will never make it up for the shit I did to all of you, I am so sorry Sasha...I really need to tell you all the shit that happened. I don't mean it as excuse or anything, but I just want you to know and well, as selfish as it might be, I know I'll feel better after." He interrupted my rumbling because I was talking fast and without catching breath. It felt as if a river had been left free and my words streamed away with overwhelming force; yet, his words shocked me.

"I am the one sorry here," Sasha said setting his hard and sincere eyes on me. Silent was so damn strong that he probably heard me swallowing down.

"What?" Was he out of his freaking mind? Sorry for what? "Sasha, what the hell are you talking about, sorry for.."

"I am sorry Tolya, because I let you down when you needed your best friend. I was so taken by my own crap and problems that I did not stay beside you as I should have."

None of us said a word nor moved for many long moments. I think I had gone daft or dumb or something like this, but then I think I heard my heart going crazy, beating faster and faster and Sasha moved closer, about to say something that I immediately interrupted, because there was no way I had the right to listen and get his apologies. Apologies for what? I behaved like a piece of shit and he was the one sorry? This was mental and he had to see it. I deserved no apologies, I deserved shit. My blood began to boil as my mind ranked back to everything and self-disgust surfaced in me once more, making me feel a terribly bitter taste in my mouth. Shit. I had behaved as fucking garbage and so why people were so fucking understanding with me?

"What are you talking about? I did it on purpose, Sasha. I wanted nobody around me, because I deserved nobody to be around me and help me. I behaved like a huge and fucking piece of fucking shit and I deserved nobody around me because I was shit. What the hell is wrong with you? Why you say sorry, Sasha? I insulted you and your family, I beat Jasper, I beat helpless people and I fucking joined a gang...what the hell did I do?" I started to talk way louder and move around the room, passing my hands in my hair and feeling like some wild animal in a cage. I had to let it out. "Don't say you are sorry, you tried to talk to me, but I deserve nothing...I am sorry, I am so freaking sorry you have no idea. I wish I could turn back to the time and change everything, or maybe forget everything but it is not possible and simply forgetting would be only selfish...I am so sorry, Sasha..." I dropped on my bed and ran my hand over my hair, sighing out loud as my heart was about to jump out of my throat. I almost felt like throwing up and the blood was painfully pulsing in my head. "I...I knew you very well, Sasha, and I knew how to push you away and make you despise me. I must admit it all worked well."

He kept very quiet and still for a long moment, simply observing me. I had no idea what was going on in his mind, then he moved his head to the side and stood like this, silent and motionless for a few seconds.

"It sure did," he spoke in a very quiet voice and he then sat beside me, placing a firm hand on my shoulder.

"What happened, Anatoly? I already guessed something shocking happened because you were one of my best friends and I knew you, so you could not change that much because of nothing. I want to understand. Travis told me he sensed something rather traumatic must have happened and I think he's right. Will you tell me? Will you trust me once more?"

I stared at him without breathing any word out because what he said left me tongue-tied and because I could feel the sincere worry in his voice and the honest feeling of being sorry, and not being sorry for me in any pitying way. He felt sorry for how he behaved...sorry for what I had no idea, but the Mighty Sasha was like this.

I swallowed down hard, feeling my hands suddenly cold and sweaty, my heart beating very fast and my mouth dry. Now that I had to tell him everything I felt suddenly scared, scared of remembering the whole crap, scared of his reaction, scared of losing a friend that I had probably re-found after long time...scared of my own words...in a few words, I felt like a pathetic and helpless coward. I was pathetic indeed. At first I wanted to trash everything out to feel lighter, but as the moment came, I began to feel scared like an immature brat. Damn, was he always right? His words echoed in my mind and my eyes closed as I felt his touch on my skin, his hand stopping on the nape of my neck in a reassuring and protective way.

I think Oleg would be a very protective man.

"Sasha, I'm not sure..." Travis's suggestion to open up with Sasha with whatever was burdening my mind and heart struck me and I smiled. He knew his man well and also, wasn't that creepy bastard always right? I sighed and decided to talk. Finally.

"I am afraid you won't pretty much look at me in the same way," I had to admit, because of that I was certain.

"Just tell me, please. We are friends, aren't we?"

His words hit me and mostly, the expression of his eyes hit me deeply and it made feel as if something had been lifted from my shoulders, something damn heavy. I took a deep breath and began to tell him everything and for everything, I meant all the complete and out of mind crap.

As my voice kept talking, Sasha started to change expression and grew tenser and tenser. He suddenly stood up pacing around the room with a very hard expression, breathing slowly and clenching, unclenching his fists. I had no idea how, but I kept talking, shit after shit, telling him everything, not letting anything interrupt me. I knew he was pacing around and I could feel his anger, but I kept talking. However, as my words found their end, he stopped in front of me, his fists clenched like his jaw, his eyes hard and piercing. The Mighty Sasha in that moment looked freaking scary and I had to look away a moment, thinking and fearing I had probably ruined everything. As I tried to turn my eyes on him once more, the way his stare pierced and the way his face was set hard reminded me of Oleg.

I knew they were completely different, but the way they both had that hard and cold way of assessing people, the way of repressing sudden anger, the reaction while hearing certain things, that well masked protective side...they were different of course, but the Mighty Sasha reminded me of him and I now understood why I had to break him that much once I pushed everyone away, why I had to be that cruel with him, rub it in him is such low way. I was attached to him the same way I was attached to Dima. I had to break with them completely, break them from me, break their trust and love for me...break them completely. Sasha has always been someone rooted to loyalty and trust. I was attached to River, too, but with him it was different and he was right in calling Aleksandr our sun. Breaking Sasha that much and also my brother meant breaking River and then Derek; it broke everything. He really was our centre of gravitation, because even though he had that cold and distant air around him, Sasha was the person every one of us loved dearly, for one reason or another. You could count on him always. I was happy he had found his own sun and centre of gravitation in Travis.

"Sasha, I am sorry..." I said in a barely audible voice, trying to look at him.

"Anatoly," He interrupted me suddenly, staring straight to my eyes. "Tolya, forgive me if you can. I don't know what to say, I feel miserable now. I feel an unforgivable piece of trash. Forgive me and promise me to never push me away in that way. I remember seeing that bastard on the TV news being arrested and I remembered him teaching in our past school. I felt sick when the journalist explained the story and now, I feel like going to hunt him down and give him what he deserves. I feel like killing him."

I froze at his words and once more my mind ranked back to Oleg. He told me that he had stopped from killing him because he had to, but he would have done it. I felt my mouth and throat dry. The words he told me this morning and what Sasha told me before...he...he hadn't done that just out of loyalty for my family.

No, there was much more than that.

Why I had to realize it now, only now?

"I think he already got that." It stupidly slipped my lips without realizing it and Sasha looked at me, for then quickly moving his stare to the door, thinking about something. He let go of a dark smile and I swallowed hard. Shit. He had probably guessed right, but I knew he would never mention a word to anyone, nor ask me anything. He smiled in that dark and rather scary way for another moment and then shook his head, going to sit beside me.

"Travis thought something might have happened to you, to drive you to change that much. He is always right, and far more sensitive and emphatic than I am." He sighed and took his head between his hands just a quick moment, for then straightening his back and turning his eyes straight at me. "Tolya, forgive me for the miserable way I behaved and for not being there for you. I promise you I will never let you down again. I am the sorry one, please forgive me."

I had no idea what to say and I kept shaking my head like some retarded idiot. I mean, had he listened to what I said? I told him I liked my twin brother!

"Sasha, listen, did you hear what I said?"

"About Dima?" Shit, he was sharper than I remembered. He nodded and chuckled, a reaction that let me completely speechless. "Weird taste, I'll admit that, but jokes aside, it is not the issue here and I don't care about that. I doubt you still feel the same, am I right? I take you completely changed your taste in men," he said assessing me with his usual one-side smirk, knowing he had hit the right spot. I said nothing and he chuckled once more. "So I am right." However this was not the problem here. The problem was that I didn't want him to feel guilty.

"Listen, you have nothing to be forgiven for, it was me that behaved like a gigantic asshole and you know all the shit so please...I am really not good at this, I suck at these things and don't know, I...I missed you. I am the one sorry and let's drop this sorry-forgive-me thing or else I think I'll turn into some cheese fairy, just like that dofus and his chipmunk." I felt a smile on my lips and I tried to restrain it as much as possible, but I miserably failed. He saw it as I turned my head away and I could see with the corner of my eye him smiling, too. He had understood me and that was all I could wish for. I felt his hand on my shoulder and a lump formed in my throat.

The Mighty Sasha had really understood me and most important, he had really forgiven me. My eyes closed a moment and I said nothing for a while.

"The old and awkwardly shy Tolya is back, I see," he smirked and I went to say something smart back, but his sincere smile stopped me. Yeah, maybe he was right. Something of our old selves was back.

"You are right, Tolya. Let's drop it, because I am not very good with a lot of big words, too. Let us start from now on, deal? I'm sorry for what happened and I am happy that piece of shit got what he deserved. However, let's leave it. You need to talk? This time do it."

"Deal, Mighty Sasha." I let my smile free this time and then something flashed in my head. "Can you tell your crazy man that he was right?"

"You should tell him yourself. Travis likes you, so he'll be happy to hear from you. However, yes, I will tell him."

"Spasiba."

"Pashialsta"

I scratched my head and let out a long sigh, dropping long on my bed.

"I am beat, after all of this I am beat," I admitted.

"How about a break then?"

"Shall we call Dima and maybe do something?" I was sure my brother wanted to know what had happened and was curious to hear about this.

"Sounds good to me. Just one question: will you talk to River, too? I am sure he deserves to hear this from you directly and he will be a better person to talk with, because he is way more perceptive."

I thought about it a moment and then nodded. Yeah, River deserved that and to be honest, I missed him like crazy.

"You are a perceptive bastard, too, don't worry about that." I said and he chuckled about. "I'll talk to him and Derek, too. Actually...should we call them?"

"Dee is busy with Shenice, if I remember correctly, but you should definitely send a message to River." And so I did. "But, just a question: the chipmunk is Jasper?" He looked at me clearly amused and I rolled my eyes.

"He looks like a chipmunk and together with my brother they are so cheesy that is unbearable...they call each other kitty, tiger and that's enough to know," I snorted and Sasha chuckled shaking his head.

"You did not change much," he mused as he got up. "Well, Dima is crazy for Jasper and I know it's mutual."

"Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for him and how the chipmunk reacted with me is cool, I mean, after all the shit he forgave me and we kind of normally talk, but you know...I'm not into that cheesy stuff."

"I can imagine."

"You don't call Travis kitty or crap like that, right?"

Sasha's eyes darkened in a moment as something crossed his mind, which without doubt was related to his man and sex; damn, they sure were pure dynamite together.

"Not really and Travis isn't a kitty, but much more my wild and crazy cat that loves to scratch and be scratched," he smirked at me in such a way that I blinked my eyes twice, trying to think if I had ever seen my friend in that way. No, I hadn't and I understood how crazy they were about each other and that they were freaking dynamite in bed, and I realized why Dima called them a kinky couple of beasts. Then he took out of guard with a question. "What about that man, how do you imagine him?"

I swallowed down and looked away. Shit, he had read into me way more than I thought. How I imagined Oleg? Damn, I better don't indulge the thought on the idea too much because just barely moving in that direction was enough to make my blood boil. Damn, this was dangerous and deep dark water.

"I...I don't think about that," I lied and he simply assessed me with a firm glance and his usual poker-face.

"You don't think about that?" He asked and then smirked at me going to open the door. "Well, you can still take your time and think about it."

"Is this Travis's influence?" I asked honestly curious.

"My love has an amazing dirty mind and I love it," he said openly and without any problem in stating such thing. "And so he does with mine," he smirked more and he stepped out of my room leaving me with my jaw almost hitting the floor. I shook my head and let a soft laugh out. I really liked this new and more open Sasha and, as cheesy and sappy as it might sound, I was grateful he had forgiven me and talked to me in that way.

When we walked downstairs we found my brother in the game room, pathetically losing at some game in which his chipmunk was awesome, at least listening to what he said. I teased him a bit, but he was about to burst out of curiosity and sure wanted to know if we had talked or not. You could guess from his huge grin he was happy to see us two together in such relaxed way, but this is how I felt now beside my friend. Yeah, Dima was as happy as a brat in front of a candy shop with a free voucher to buy whatever he felt like.

"So, you guys talked?" We both nodded. "About everything?"

"Yes dofus, about everything," I groaned, because I knew at what he aimed.

"So did you hear that, Sasha? He had a soft spot for me," he laughed and patted my shoulder. Oh dear God, how idiotic was my brother? "Can you believe it? But well, now we can shower together without issues," he joked waggling his eyebrows at me and I almost felt like throwing up at the idea.

"Gross Dima, for crying out loud, drop it before I throw up on you...gross..." I slapped his neck and he just laughed out loud, punching my arm. Honestly, the idea was now enough to make me lose my appetite.

"It's good to see you two back to your usual selves," Sasha said barely containing a laugh. I grunted and moved to the kitchen, now feeling hungry. OK, it did not cancel my appetite, because all the talking done with my friend completely drained me. They followed me, as Dima gave up on the game and took the occasion to snack something else.

"Man, where do you store everything? You probably just ate like a pig a while ago," I said looking at him stuffing his face with a slice of cake.

"What can I say? I felt something and the cake is so yummy...Sasha, you have to try it."

In that moment mum stepped in the kitchen and in one quick look she understood that something had changed between Sasha and I. She smiled at me and then served cake and snacks to us three. Dad joined almost immediately and he stopped a moment to look at me with a kind smile. Oh God, was everyone aware of the fact the Mighty Sasha came here to talk to me? It was embarrassing in a way, but on the other side I stopped a moment and looked around me: when was the last time that I enjoyed such normal afternoon with my family and friends? I could not remember it. A smile was about to form on my lips, but I refrained it, shaking my head. Honestly Anatoly, don't get too corny. I chuckled though, because talking to myself in my mind was starting to be a habit. A sign that I had gone crazy? I already did and the reason wasn't that I talked alone in my head, but it was that I had to fall for that bastard.

We all talked together for a while about pretty much everything: school, university, which plans I had for college (none so far and that was not smart; actually, I did have, but I knew that Dima would make fun of me so I shut my mouth), hockey of course and much more. My twin kept messaging probably with his chipmunk and Sasha and I took the occasion to tease him. Then River surprised me by stopping by our house instead of meeting where we had decided. Someone had rung the doorbell and my brother ran for it, making me think it was his precious pet, but then he stepped in the kitchen with River, winking at me with his dofus-like grin, and I looked at my friend not understanding what he was doing there and then I realized my brother probably had something to do with that.

"Hello Natasha, Yevgeny," my friend politely greeted my parents smiling in his typical charming way. "Hello Tolya," he winked at me and quickly caressed my hair, a gesture he used to do many years ago, the same he did with Sasha. "This is for you all, because if I remember correctly, you, Dima and Sasha love these donuts very much," he handed me a rather big box full of every sort of donuts. "Of course Natasha they cannot be compared to your cakes that are always the most delicious," he smiled at my mum and I rolled my eyes. He hadn't changed one bit, always the charmer and the sweet-talker.

River and Sasha exchanged a quick look: they have always shared a great connection and friendship, and I believe River among us was the one that better understood my friend. Something passed by them and probably River guessed we had talked. It surprised me very much to see River so relaxed around me and once more sharing that little contact with me; he knew I wasn't found of touching, hugging and such, but he also knew that once in a very while I did not mind it. Oleg had probably guessed that, too. Oleg...I shook my head and realised that with him I didn't mind that at all and not only once in a very while.

Mum prepared coffee and snacks for everyone and after staying with us for a while, she left with my dad, saying they wanted to go for a walk. So it was just the four of us, almost like the old times, just missing that clown of Derek right now busy to be bossed around by his chick. From the pictures she gave me the impression to be a tough babe and Dima confirmed it to me: I laughed picturing Dee dealing with such girl. At first the idea was to go out and sit somewhere for a couple of drinks, but then we decided to stay at our place and play some video games.

"Hey man, how about Hayden? Is he busy with Diane?" Dima asked River.

"How should I know? Just send him a message," he replied winking at me and sitting closer. He quickly gazed at my brother now busy in chatting with that Hayden dude and at Sasha, who had received a call from Travis. That guy shouted a "Hi" to all of us from the phone and then my friend took a moment of privacy to talk with his crazy half. It was then that River approached me with nonchalance and quietly spoke to me.

"I see you talked with Sasha, correct?" I simply nodded and his blue eyes stopped a moment to study my face, for then nodding, too. "Yes, I can see that and I can see how he finally decided to take the step. Actually, how you both decided to take a step toward one another. You are very alike in some points, so I was not surprised it took long." He smiled in that way of his, as if testing you, as if enjoying showing you how sharp he was. Damn, he sure was.

"Yeah, we talked and well..." my mouth went a bit dry at the idea, but hey, no more being a freaking coward, remember? "Well, I would like to talk to you, too."

He kept silent a moment, thinking about what I had no idea; he then shifted his eyes on Sasha and on Dima. Once more he quickly caressed my hair.

"I do not want to push you or to rush you into something that it might be very hard for you. It is enough to see how you and Sasha got back to your old selves, how he opened up with you. It means for him all is forgotten and it means he understood what happened with you. I tried many times to talk with you, but it always failed and at one point I genuinely thought you hated us all and it was painful. I will be happy to hear you, Anatoly, whenever you are ready. For now, let's not stress yourself over it and let us enjoy this afternoon."

"I don't know what to say...I feel like a.." River stopped me immediately.

"Tolya, I saw you a few months ago: something was eating you inside completely and now I finally see my old Anatoly. Welcome back, Tolya. I missed you," he quietly whispered to me, knowing that I would not have liked the others to hear that.

Dima sat beside us trying to guess what we discussed, but I quickly shook my head and for once in his dofus life he got the message.

"I still wonder: you really are going out with the chipmunk's brother?" I asked curious and I had to move away on time to avoid Dima's punch on my arm.

"Drop it, man. My boyfriend isn't a chipmunk. He's my sexy kitty," he grunted.

"Jee...huge difference, thanks for telling me," I smirked.

"Man, I can't wait for when you'll find a boyfriend! Then I'll be the one having fun," he began to laugh in his very loud and cheerful way. I felt like punching him and laughing at the same time, because he could be contagious in that; however, without realising he had touched a not very rosy note and my mind once more raced to that impassive bastard and to what happened in the morning. I wanted to talk to him more, but at the same time fucking feared it.

I went to say something smart like that I would never find a lame boyfriend to call kitty or the hell like that, but my eyes caught River's expression and I froze on the spot. My head quickly adverted to Sasha, but River immediately shook his head and then winked. Shit. How the hell did he get it? When did he freaking get it? The moment I understood he winked at me again and quickly whispered me something almost impossible to hear, but that left me completely speechless.

"Interesting taste, Tolya. He is an extremely compelling man. All considered it will not be easy for you two, but if you need anything, I'll be here."

I went to ask something, but I shut my mouth right on time before putting myself in some ridiculous and embarrassing situation. The Mighty Sasha perhaps grasped something, because when he finished his call, he sat there with us and smirked.

"Are you teasing him now, River?"

"What do you mean, Sasha?" He clearly faked ignorance and innocence. Let me tell you something: River was incredibly handsome and fucking charming to a point that many people fell for it easily, smoothing his way in many situations and he liked to do that, he was damn great at that. Which means, there was nothing of innocent in him. But damn, I liked him and yeah, hear this and laugh me if you find me cheesy: I had missed my friend.

"Have I missed something? So I picked this game, what do you think?" Dima dropped the cover in my hands and I face-palmed.

"Are you an idiot or what? You suck at this," I deadpanned.

"Today I'll make sure to kick your ass," he replied grinning from ear to ear. My brother was genuinely happy today and you could clearly see it by how he never stopped grinning.

"Good luck with that," I smirked. "Last time, you lost big time."

"Jasper taught me a couple of tricks."

"By the way, why isn't your chipmunk here today?"

"Got some family business and I guess he'll go skateboarding. And well, this is cool sometimes." What he said left me tongue-tied and the smart remark I had ready was swallowed down. My idiotic twin really missed this. Shit: what an asshole I had been and shit, how right that impassive bastard always was.

"Oh yeah, Hayden will be here soon and I made sure to tell him to bring food. He said he has ordered pizza for all of us."

"You must be kidding us, Dima," I said staring at him with wide eyes. He had wolfed down tons of donuts just a while ago.

"What can I say? I am hungry."

"Now that I think about, I'm hungry, too." Dear Lord, I had forgotten that the Mighty Sasha was another bottomless pit, but less inclined to eat crap. I shook my head and then paused a moment: pizza and videogames? Ha, it sounded freaking good to me, but hey, I kept it for myself.

"C'mon Tolya, you love pizza. We got mayo here!" Oh right, we both liked to put mayonnaise on pizza. Many people found it gross, but we always could care less about it.

"Alright and well, I'm sure soon enough I'll be hungry again," I admitted and Dima punched my arm asking who now was the pig. He obviously was the "piggest" pig, if that word even made sense.

As Dima was trying to win against Sasha, their friend Hayden arrived and at the same time the pizza guy came with something like 10 pizzas: where they out of their minds? The Hayden guy paid and said we'll later split it, so I helped him to carry the food to the game room. He looked at me curious and without bothering to cover it.

"What's up man that you keep looking? I heard you got a girl, so it cannot be that you find me hot," I said sarcastically and in all response he began to laugh.

"Oh man, the guys were right in saying you are quite the sarcastic bastard," his massive shoulders shook with laughter and I couldn't help thinking that this one was even dumber than my brother. "Nah, sorry for staring, it's just that you know, I heard some stuff and things seem different now, so don't know, I was just trying to understand what happened. But hey, never been on the bright and sharp side, so I'll leave it. If they are cool with you, I'm also cool with you." A rather easy-going type: this couldn't be denied. "So who's playing now?"

I stayed a moment in silence, thinking about what this simpleton said and realised that he didn't seem a bad person at all. He minded his own business, avoided stupid and unnecessary questions and simply believed in his friends' trust and decisions. I could understand now why even Sasha became friend with this guy.

"Dima and the Mighty Sasha, but I'll kick my brother's ass in the next round." I then remembered he was dating Derek's older sister and since I knew her, it was rather amazing she fell for him. "So, you dating Diane?"

"You know her?" He asked surprised.

"Yeah," I simply said and once more he didn't press for more.

"Cool then. Well yeah, I totally love her, she's amazing, but well, today she's studying for an exam and I wasn't of much help, so she pretty much kicked me out." He scratched his cheek balancing the pizzas in one hand and chuckled a bit.

"Hey man!" Dima greeted him. "Oh sweetness, pizzas!"

"Who won?" I asked

"Dima won," Sasha admitted and well yeah, I recalled he wasn't much into videogames and he played with us just for the sake of it.

"Well dofus, I'll kick your ass here now, tricks from your chipmunk or not."

"Bring it on, moron. You'll see what I have learnt."

We played the whole afternoon and after receiving a message from Adrian asking how I was, an idea came to my mind. He had helped me that day and pointless to deny, he was helping me in school by always standing beside me. I took the risk and invited him over, telling him to bring Viola. I knew it was a dangerous move because she could go ballistic and super hyper with my friends, but I owned her that much. Mum and dad were OK with everything and mum was clearly happy to have us in her house. However, the crazy girl fucking surprised me big time as she behaved as much normal as it was possible for her, probably keeping on a low level for some reasons. The thing was that my friends liked the Taylor siblings and I could see River getting along with Adrian. Dima liked Viola and Sasha behaved not as icily as usual, being patient enough to show pictures of his man to V; I think she won his patience by the enthusiasm she expressed toward the crazy dude. Derek eventually joined us, saying he was happy to have break from arguing, as apparently it had not been a very easy afternoon for him. I called him a loser and he grunted something at me, but then flashed me his usual joyful smile and said he would wait for me to explain him all the shit. Nice to see some things never changed.

"Hey V, we got some pretty good donuts from River, do you want one?" I asked and she beamed at me looking honestly like a fairy and well, her clothes sure added to that. How long would it take her to get dressed like that every freaking day? She went to move up suddenly, but she stopped in the meanwhile and simply shook her head a few times. OK, that was rather creepy and freakish: was she not feeling well? Was she hearing voices in her mind? That would have not surprised me that much.

"I'd love that, Anatoly!" She clapped her hands and I quickly gazed at Adrian, who understood me and simply smiled.

"Cool, I'll go get them," I simply said.

"I'll help you," she offered and I let her, because I had to give it to her: she was behaving incredibly quiet and to be honest it was starting to creep me off big time. Was she OK?

The moment we stepped in the kitchen, far from indiscreet eyes and ears that could find an excuse to tease me, I went to ask her if she was fine or if maybe she had eaten something wrong; it wasn't normal to see her this much tuned down. But she surprised me by suddenly jumping on my neck and hugging me tightly. I froze and stiffened at once, but she let go after a couple of seconds.

"Sorry Anatoly," she said bringing her hands together as to ask forgiveness. "I couldn't resist it. I know your friends are not used to me and that sometimes I can be very exuberant and energetic, so I didn't want to do anything that would not be good for you, but I'm so happy you invited us here to play with your friends, thank you! And I am so happy you are doing well after what happened this week and to see you with your friends and everything and...yes, I will close my mouth now and be quiet." She gave me once more that bright and child-like smile and this time I had to admit that I couldn't resist her.

"You actually freaked me out for being that quiet. I thought you ate something that zeroed your usual atomic energy. You are creepy when quiet, know that?" I smirked and she stuck her tongue out.

"How mean of you!" She chirped and once more, probably in her own intent to punish me for being mean, she jumped at my neck and planted a quick kiss on my chick. I stiffened again, but let her be.

"V, don't get used to this," I warned as she hopped back.

"I know you are not a touchy-feely person, Anatoly." She took me aback with that comment and it was clear I had underestimated her. "It was just to say thank you and to tell you that I love you very much and that you are my best friend." Yes, I could be a gigantic asshole and sarcastic dick sometimes, but right then I didn't feel like saying anything mean or smart.

"Donuts?" Instead I offered her. "Look, there is one all pink and purple: it'll match with your hair." Well, one small joke wouldn't do any harm and she actually appreciated my advice.

"Oh please yes and look how cute it is! It has stars on it!"

"You are not going to eat it?"

"Maybe we could bring them to the other room?" She timidly asked and for a moment I looked at her in complete silence. Yeah, I had way underestimated this super skinny and loud doll.

"Sure, why not?"

"Anatoly?" She asked as she carried three bottles of sodas and plastic cups in her skinny arms covered in countless colourful bracelets.

"Yeah?"

"I like your friends; they are really cool and very nice." She smiled and then skipped in front of me reaching the room first. "Guys! We have soda and sweets for you!" She chirped and immediately I put what I had in my hands down and helped her, because I was sure that her arms would soon break under the weight of those huge bottles.

OLEG POV:

I reached the Denisov's residence a bit after dinner time, because I wanted to be ready for Monday morning and because I had received an email that would interest Mr. Denisov. We quickly discussed over Monday's schedule and he then asked me how Anatoly behaved and what the purpose of his visit was. He studied me a moment with his hard clear eyes and once more I realized that indeed life was not always fair; Anatoly's parents cared about him very much and they probably realized he had become attached to me, and therefore they wanted to make sure no potentially risky situation would be triggered for their son.

I also realized I was in a very difficult position.

"I know, or I should say I understood that my son likes being around you, but of course he would not admit it to any of us. I am genuinely glad he had found a person like you to rely on." He stopped a moment to study my face because it was evident he wanted to understand what I thought about it. He wanted to understand my point of view, but without being too straightforward and I knew the reason; Mr. Denisov had trust in me and just like Anatoly, he always gave me too much credit that I did not deserve.

"Sir, it is an honour for me and I am glad that Anatoly can rely on me if he needs it. I can understand that perhaps he might feel for now more at ease to discuss certain topic with someone not part of the family," I explained, because in a way I thought about it in the morning, after what happened, and I weighted that option. Perhaps he was not attached to me in the way I suspected, but he probably found it easier to open up with someone less related and less involved in his life.

In all answer Mr. Denisov softly chuckled and placed a hand on my shoulder, once more stopping his hard eyes on me.

"My dear Oleg, you are part of this family. We all consider you part of our family," he sincerely said and after a moment I simply inclined my head.

"Thank you, sir. It is more than I deserve."

"You are always too hard and strict with yourself, very much like my son." He paused a moment reflecting over something and then spoke again. "I believe he does not see you as someone not part of our family; instead I believe he is simply at ease with your for the way you are, for the fact he knows what you have done for him. There is nothing wrong in this, in the fact he has found a person in you to talk about certain things. I know you very well Oleg and I trust you." His words hit two very different nerves: they hit my pride and gratefulness, because hearing this from this man always brought me immense pride, knowing what he had done for me and how he had given me the second chance everyone needs. Then it hit a nerve I had no idea to possess in this way: a hidden emotion that made me guilty. I had feelings and I was deeply attracted and attached to his son and his words were like a very cold shower.

Mr. Denisov trusted me and I already knew it, but what he meant to say was that he trusted me with his son Anatoly; he trusted that I would behave in the right way. My face showed nothing and I simply returned the firm stare at him, nodding with my head.

"Thank you, sir." I quickly explained why he came over my place, but I knew Anatoly and I never touched the real reason why he visited me yesterday. "Anatoly wanted to discuss about his tattoos and asked me whether I could make an appointment for him. I had already told him to let me know because I would take him to the best place."

"He has finally matured the decision?" He asked surprised and relieved at the same time.

"Yes sir. He wants to modify his tattoos and I can guarantee you that where I will take appointment for him, they will do an impeccable job."

"That is very good," Mr. Denisov said softly smiling.

"He then simply said that he needed to rest a moment and I let him stay at my place, because I saw nothing wrong in that," I explained always keeping my voice levelled and my face void of any personal emotion. He nodded once more and went to talk.

"My wife wishes that Tolya would open up with us more, but to be fair, I understand his point of view and I understand why he seeks you in certain moments. Please, do not take it personal from Natasha, she simply loves our son very much and I understand her point of view, too. She is afraid that Anatoly might develop some sort of attachment for you, more like some romantic attraction and I can see the way she still looks at him sometimes, still afraid that the balance he finally found can be broken. I am sorry Oleg to bother you with such issue, I do not mean to make you feel uncomfortable, nor am I asking you to take distance from Tolya." He pondered his own words and walked towards the desk, where he leaned at. He half smiled and shook his head. "Truth to be told, I actually believe my son has a soft spot for you. He clearly cares about your opinion and knowing how he is, I was surprised he did not mind spending an entire day in your company. He is rather private and he likes to stay alone sometimes." He paused another moment and I silently swallowed down.

If I could have destroyed something in that moment I would have done it, destroying it in a million of pieces. How blind had I been? What Mr. Denisov explained was true. Anatoly had a soft spot for me and I could still not understand where it stopped. What was Mr. Denisov thinking of it? I suspected that Mrs. Denisov would not react in this calm way, because she was very protective and I noticed how she gazed at her son, still afraid to lose him, almost not believing he went back to his usual and real self. I mentally shook my head and took a silent deep breath.

I had no right to destroy this and mess Anatoly's life.

I had no right to have feelings for Anatoly.

I only had the right to stand beside him and be there for him whenever he needed me, to watch over him, to take a bullet for him if problems would arise.

"I apologise to you Oleg for bringing this topic up, but Natasha asked me a few questions today but to be fair, I would be happy if our son would find a partner like you," he gave me a sincere and deep look, as if searching into me. His words came on me like a lightening in a clear starry sky. I returned the straightforward and impassive look, simply inclining my head. He had no idea what those words meant for me.

They moved something that should have not been moved nor awakened.

"I do not believe Tolya could go back to what was before and I do not believe he would retract from us once more. I do not think his newfound balance is weak as it appears to be. I have observed him in these days and I realised my son is actually a strong and different person now." At those words I could not help my smile and Mr. Denisov looked at me almost surprised.

"I apologise for my reaction, sir, but what you just mentioned I believe it correct. Anatoly is actually very strong. He only has to see it for himself and stop still blaming himself for all that happened," I said. In all answer Mr. Denisov observed me silently and then spoke.

"You are right Oleg. However I understand my wife completely. What happened really threw our family in a long nightmare that we want to forget." He moved once more toward me, stopping right in front of me and placing a hand on my shoulder. "Please Oleg, keep an eye on him. I am already doing it, but you understand me."

I nodded and replied in all honesty.

"I would not let anything or anyone harm him, sir. You have my word."

"I know, Oleg. Spasiba".

ANATOLY POV:

I just won another game where I paired with Sasha, kicking Dima's and Hayden's ass. I could see Viola and Adrian talking with River, Derek sitting with them and talking no stop like the chatter box he was. I made fun of my brother for losing this game and he grunted that it was not fair, challenging me for another one, but Sasha and Hayden declared they had enough of it for a while. They were not much into games and I was beginning to get tired, too. In that moment I felt eyes on me; I turned around looking at the door and a shadow seemed to move behind it. I knew to whom that shadow belonged.

I swallowed down and clenched my hand. He had come back and I wonder what he was now thinking about. That was Oleg without any doubt and I just knew it. Why he had to check on me? What he wanted to make sure of? I groaned under my breath and called myself a gigantic prick.

He was not checking on me...he was not making sure I was out of troubles in the same way he did before. So why had he stopped there? I found an excuse to get out of the room and walked to the door, that was left ajar; when I reached it I caught sight of his massive back walking away. Oleg did not check if everything was OK out of duty and of this, I was damn sure. I debated for a moment if to go after him or not, not being entirely sure about what to say, but damn it. I wanted to see him and I wanted to...My feet moved alone and in no time I was behind him, wanting to stop him, wanting to talk to him.

"Oleg," I called.

He turned around and gave me one of his infamous impassive and distant hard looks, which tick me off at first, but then I let it go. I stared at him a moment and understood how much I liked this man. I also understood what I had to do, because the last thing I wished for was to lose him. What I really wanted to tell him? Not much, but I found the first thing that passed by my mind: he had been right in pretty much fucking everything. He had to know that.

"I saw you before and I wanted to talk to you a moment."

OLEG POV:

I stopped silently in front of the door of the game room, with Mr. Denisov words still very fresh in my mind and carved in my brain. I simply looked at Anatoly being together with his friends, feeling immense joy for that, which was a feeling I had never experienced before in my entire life. It made me smile to see him so relaxed, exchanging jokes with them and talking with his old friends, seeing two new friends there beside him, the Taylor brother and sister, playing games together, as if all the bad were finally left behind. This should have been his life and Anatoly should just find someone that could give him that normal and peaceful life. My eyes indulged another moment on him, now mocking his brother Dmitri for having lost the game against him; I shook my head and silently sighed.

Oleg, let it go. Anatoly does not deserve more issues and more complications in his life. But those words surfaced once more in me and I felt like tearing something apart. It was not possible and Mr. Denisov was possibly just testing me.

I left without sparing another look and went to walk to my room, where I would have made good use of the punching bag. However, someone stopped me.

"Oleg." I stopped and turned around to look at him with the most impassive expression on my face and at first it took him aback, but he let it go immediately. "I saw you before and I wanted to talk to you a moment."

"I see you are with your friends," I said staring at him with a detached expression. "This is very good, Anatoly."

"I know, it is good," he murmured looking away while passing a hand in his hair. He was thinking about something and this time I could not understand what it was.

"What is it, Anatoly?" My voice sounded a bit too assertive, because he immediately darted his eyes on me, looking annoyed and about to say something clever, but he refrained from that.

"Never mind impassive bastard, be the emotionless bastard you want to be, ignore me if you feel like it. It doesn't matter now because I will tell you what I have in mind." He took a step closer to me and then another one. I had never seen him looking so confident and resolute, his eyes almost challenging mine, once more invading my personal space. "Oleg, you were right about pretty much everything. I talked to the Mighty Sasha today and I told him every-fucking-thing, the whole crap. He understood me and River, too. You were right about trusting them and opening up with them."

I said nothing and silence passed between us, but it was not heavy or unpleasant, only very quiet and somehow it brought us closer, for I took a step closer to him.

"I am honestly happy for you. It is good you talked with your friend," I offered him a rather stretched smile and went to leave, because once more I felt the need to touch him. However, Anatoly stopped me.

"You are actually capable of human feelings, impressive."

"I told you many times: I am a human being."

"You are not a common human being Oleg and we both know it."

"Once more, you give me..." he cut me off immediately.

"Don't start with the bullshit of this morning. I know how I see you and I know who you are and what you are for me. But don't get premature white hair: I understand what you think of everything and I shall not be a pain in the ass for you."

"Anatoly..."

"No, spare me from the usual lesson, will you? I'm not confused by shit or such. Stick it in your mind and in your ears, OK?" I shook my head and that evidently inflamed his temper. "You impassive bast..." I stopped him.

"Anatoly, you should go back to your friends and enjoy your time with them. Once more: it give me real happiness and I will always be here for you if need me." With that I left and he of course had to challenge me.

"And you say that you are a normal human being? I wonder if you actually feel real emotions, real happiness as you just said," he spoke with sarcastic tone.

I let it go and walked away, quietly saying mostly to myself that unfortunately I could feel real emotions. That was careless of me, because he somehow heard me and ran after me, grapping my arm.

"What do you fucking mean?" Once more his eyes burned with resolution and once more we were dangerously too close. He knew that and instead of helping it, he stepped closer. I knew we both felt the same that passed by this morning in the kitchen and I composed myself. I had to. "What do you mean, Oleg?"

"Nothing, Anatoly. Nothing that concerns you."

"You fucking annoying impassive bastard," he grabbed my shirt and tried to pull me closer. "You piss me off so much sometimes that you have no idea..."

He was now upset and this was not my intent. I had failed with him right now, because my presence had altered his previous good mood and the previous peaceful atmosphere. I softened my expression and surprised him by placing a hand on the back of his neck.

"Forgive me, Anatoly. It was not my intention to upset you." His eyes widened at my words and his hand let go of my shirt. "Please go back to your friends and enjoy the time with them; you deserve it and seeing you at peace with them is very good. Tomorrow I shall make an appointment for your tattoos," I explained looking at him and suddenly feeling very tired. I had to leave and go to my room; I needed to be alone. He looked at me even more surprised and he looked at me thinking about something that once more I could not read.

"What are you thinking about?" I asked hoping it would break this tension that somehow had formed between us; but he stared at me in silence simply searching my eyes.

"For once you cannot read into me?" He asked smiling in that honest and shy way of his. "So you are a bit of a normal human being."

"I told you I cannot always do that."

"I thought about what you just said and realised I am the fucktard one here. I piss you off and it is all because of my bratty side." I shook my head smiling because what he said was partially true, even if he did not "piss me off", to use his words. And then suddenly he was the one surprising me to a point I completely stiffened and felt my blood turning into ice.

He sighed out loud and rested his forehead on my shoulder, letting one arm going around my back. My mind blackened for a split of a second, blinded by the sudden emotion his gesture woke up in me. It was like yesterday, a moment of pure and damned bliss. I closed my eyes and swallowed down quietly. I did not want to chase him away, but I did not want this to happen.

Mr. Denisov's words played still in my head and I knew where my place stood in this family. But his other words...what if there would be a very small chance, one in a million? I found myself completely taken aback by the train of my thoughts. This was not healthy, not prudent. But feeling our bodies pressed together, his warm breath on my skin, his arm firmly snaking my back...I took a deep breath and he felt it.

Anatoly tightened the grip, clawing my shirt as if scared of letting go. His body completely pressed on mine and I felt his hair tickling my neck; it was all too good and at the same time all too wrong. I wanted to return the gesture and pull him closer to me, to leave no space even for air.

"You didn't upset me before, I mean you did, but not in the way you were thinking. Never mind, I know what I'm talking about." He stayed there another moment and my eyes opened up, because this was not a dream. It was raw and crude reality. I went to move, even though it did cost considerable, painful effort.

"Anatoly, this is..." He understood what I was about to say.

"I know it very well, Oleg. Give me just a moment, please." I closed my eyes and nodded, sure he had felt it.

There was no easy way to explain the clash and tumult of emotions in my head and in my heart. Why I had to meet this brat here in such circumstances? I took a deep breath and gave him his moment, giving a moment to myself, too. I let my arm circle his shoulders for a short while and I savoured that brief blissfulness and peace. In that moment I indulged myself in my feelings and desires, pulling him closer to me. He must have felt it, because he grabbed the side of my shirt with his other hand; I felt him shake his head and take a deep breath. What was he thinking about? What was passing by his mind? I rested my chin on his head. It was all very unfamiliar and foreign to me, but in that moment my instinct and feelings guided my actions. I felt him reacting surprised at the sudden closeness and at my gesture, and once more he grabbed my shirt even stronger than before, pressing on me to the point I felt his muscles and his warm breath over my clothes.

How much I wished for all this to be completely different. How very much I wished to not be capable of emotions, feelings and...love. I could not deny my attachment anymore; the only thing I could do was to realise how out of place it was and lock it deeply inside me. The moment my eyes before stopped on him was precisely when I realised that my attachment meant I had feelings for this punk: he was having pleasant and relaxed time with his friends, smiling carelessly and openly, not being on guard anymore, being finally his real self and normally interacting with them. I felt such deep joy suddenly pulsing in me that it was clear to me the mere attachment had grown into something deeper and more dangerous. How could I have let that happen? It was pointless to question it now.

Anatoly tightened the grip even more and murmured something extremely quietly.

"Spasiba, Oleg." He then let go and immediately turned away going back to his friends. He didn't turn back, only stopped a second to say, "So you'll let me know about the appointment for my tattoos, right?" I wished I could see his face and read what was passing by his mind, but he gave me his back, trying to conceal everything at his best.

"Yes, I will let you know." He nodded and quickly walked to the game room, closing the door behind him.

I stood there a moment and looked at my hand, the one that a very short while ago had grabbed his shoulder. I severely reprimanded myself and then drily laughed. I was being ridiculous: I reprimanded myself but at the same time I let a brat fifteen years younger than me play with my strings and let him pull them in very dangerous ways. I turned around as well and walked to my room, shutting the door close behind me.

We had both stepped in a very dangerous mines field, so I massacred the punching bag to let out all that came to me and once sweat rolled down my neck I froze on the spot. Anatoly's words had meant something different; his last "thank you" had meant something different. I had not interpreted in the correct way immediately but it became clear to me now. I had underestimated him very much and misunderstood the real nature of his attachment. He knew in which dangerous positions we both stood and he took the situation in his hands, by letting go.

I sat down and closed my eyes.

I had failed.

I had completely failed in this.

Anatoly had been the one capable of letting go. Something rather foreign and painful gripped my guts and I stood there staring at the bench press. I closed my eyes a brief moment and stood up, ready for another training session, but instead my eyes moved to the door and I took a step toward it, until I reached it. My body and mind froze there on the spot. This was not normal and definitely it did not belong to the man I was, to the man I had to be. What was I even remotely thinking about?

I had to forget what I just felt a few seconds ago and return being the usual composed and controlled Oleg.

However I could not deny that foreign feeling that kept hold of my mind and heart.

For the first time crude realization hit me completely: would I ever be able of losing Anatoly to another man?

Author's chit-chat:

Where you expecting this meeting and talk between Alexi and Tolya? It was due I believe.

What about our Oleg?

I am looking forward to reading your comments!

Thank you once more for your welcoming me back, you guys made me very happy!

I will post another new chapter possibly next week, I will keep you updated.

Lots of love and meows!