There's nothing quite like returning to a place that hasn't changed to see how much you've grown. Xamuel couldn't exactly remember the last time he visited back to an old place, specifically the country he spent the ups and downs of his youth.

Xamuel adjusted the plane's air conditioner to a higher temperature when he felt himself shivering by simply imagining the things he had been avoiding thinking of for the past years. His left hand lazily pulled down the window's shade to prevent himself from daydreaming.

He knew his flight from America to the Philippines would be long, so he reminded himself not to be emotional this early. He wasn't supposed to be gloomy or anxious, but his nerves refused to cooperate.

He instinctively grabbed his phone from his pocket when he felt it vibrating. It was an incoming call from his loving wife, Klassey, who was left home with their children.

"Muel, nasa plane ka na?" Klassey asked.

"Yes, we're about to take off any time now," Xamuel said with a small smile visible on his face.

"Good! Balitaan mo ako once you already landed in the Philippines."

"Sure. I'll take pictures, too, para ipakita sa mga bata."

His wife was unable to answer directly. Instead, he heard one of their children shouting something from afar.

"Be back on the said date raw, sabi ng anak mo. She already misses you!" Klassey interpreted what their daughter said.

Xamuel chuckled. "Yes, hon. I'll be back in five days."

"Okay, hon. Ingat palagi, we love you!"

Their conversation ended when he said "I love you" to his wife afterward. He didn't want to switch off his phone, so he put it on airplane mode to avoid disturbing his surroundings. He couldn't help but think about it again now that he was on board and had nothing to do but wait for the plane to take off.

"Thirteen years na rin pala ang nakalipas," bulong niya sa sarili nang napagtanto kung gaano na katagal simula noong opisyal siyang lumisan sa bansang nakagisnan.

Hindi ito ang unang pagkakataon niyang magkaroon ng oportunidad na bumalik sa Pilipinas. Maraming lumipas na pagkakataon si Xamuel upang bumalik sa bansang iniwan sa loob ng mga nakaraang taon ngunit tila hindi niya kayang tumapak muli sa lupa nito. Ngayon niya lamang naisipang bumalik dahil negosyo nila ang nakasalalay. Walang ibang pwedeng utusan o gawing pamalit sa kanya kaya hindi na rin siya nakaiwas.

Maraming naiwan si Xamuel sa Pilipinas at isa na roon ang mga matatalik niyang kaibigang sina Lion, Frost at South. Lahat naman sila ay may sari-sariling social media accounts kaya kahit papaano'y nanatili silang konektado sa isa't isa pero hindi na rin sila gano'n kadalas mag-usap.

Noong nalaman ng mga kaibigan niyang babalik si Xamuel saglit sa Pilipinas ay daig pa nila ang mga kasapi ng isang patimpalak sa saya. Natuwa rin si Xamuel sa kanilang naging reaksyon kaya naman nahikayat na siyang tumuloy. Hindi napansin ni Xamuel ang pagsilay ng kanyang ngiti habang iniisip na makikita niya na muli sila pagkatapos ng isang dekada.

Sa loob ng nagdaang mga taon, tanggap na ni Xamuel ang katotohanang maraming nagbago hindi lang sa kanya kung hindi sa kanilang apat na magkakaibigan. Simula noong nangyari ang paglisan ng isa sa kanila, pinilit na nilang pakonti-konting tanggapin na hindi na sila mababalik sa dati.

Xamuel frowned when he noticed his phone lit up. He held it in his right hand just above his thigh. His eyes narrowed as he struggled to read the notification that had suddenly appeared. He knew he couldn't receive messages or calls now that his phone was in airplane mode, which determined him to find out what kind of alert was sent through.

There, he saw a reminder that would remind him of Yara's birthday yearly.

Tila siya ninakawan ng hininga sa loob nang nagdaang segundo. Sapat na ang apat na letrang pangalan iyon upang pabigatin ang damdamin ni Xamuel. Pikit mata niyang inignora ang reminder na ito sa mga nakalipas na taon dahil hindi niya rin kayang burahin ito sa kanyang kalendaryo.

It was something close to his heart, so close that it could easily hurt him all over again.

He lifted his head tiredly and strained to swallow as if his throat was clogged. Her name alone brought back the emotions he had thirteen years ago when they had no idea she'd slip away from their hold unexpectedly.

Wala sa sariling napatanong si Xamuel sa kanyang isip kung kumusta na kaya si Yara sa kung saan man siya nananatili ngayon. Ika-dalawang pu't walo ng Disyembre taong dalawang libo't labing-pito ang naging huli nilang araw kasama ang dalaga. Ito rin ang petsa, maliban sa taon, ng kanyang kaarawan. Ito rin ang petsa ngayon ng pagbalik ni Xamuel sa lugar na pilit niyang iniwasan.

Iniwasan dahil sa takot at lungkot na alam niyang kailanman ay hindi na mawawala sa kanyang sistema. Iniwasan dahil gaano man karaming taon ang lumipas, hindi pa rin niya kayang pakawalan ang sarili mula sa nakaraan. Hindi pa rin niya lubos na matanggap ang nangyari sa dating kaibigan kaya't hindi niya magawang bumalik sa bansang kinalakihan.

Naging mahirap, hindi lamang para kay Xamuel kung hindi sa lahat, ang mawalan ng taong naging bahagi na ng buhay nila sa hindi inaasahang pagkakataon... at sa dami ng mga nagbago sa nagdaang mga taon, ang pakiramdam lang yata na ito ang hindi naapektuhan.

There were only things to regret yet nothing to forget. Xamuel couldn't help but blame himself whenever it was about Yara. He believed he simply had a lot to be guilty of.

Dahan-dahan niyang dinulas ang hinlalaki sa screen upang mawala ang reminder. Gamit ang nanginginig niyang hintuturo ay pinindot ni Xamuel ang gallery ng kanyang cellphone at doon hinalungkat ang dating ginawang album na punung-puno ng alaala mula sa ginuntuang taong kasama pa nila si Yara.

The four made the same compilation album back then to have something to look back on when they wanted to reminisce. Xamuel felt tears form on the sides of his eyes when he saw the photos taken.

Yara was deeply imprinted on his memories, her essence burned indelibly into his mind. She was a spectral presence from his past, capable of invoking a torrent of euphoric and devastating emotions whenever her shadow crossed his thoughts.

He was a man of certainty. Until her, Xamuel never made any spontaneous decisions. Yara made things complicated for Xamuel. He started to second-guess almost everything, rendering his logical reasons useless.

Rason. Sa lahat ng kuwestiyon, kinakailangan lagi natin ng sagot na may kaakibat na eksplenasyon. Maiksi man o mahaba, basta't mapaparamdam nito sa atin ang tama. Pinag-iisipan at iniintindi ngunit lahat ba ng rason, gusto nating marinig? Lahat ba ng ito ay ating ikabubuti? Lahat ba ng ito ay ating mahahanap at masasabi?

For the past few years, he has been busy with responsibilities to the point that he has never looked back at this album even once. Seeing the images today reminded him of how things were back then. It wasn't the sweetest time, but it was memorable.

Despite the pain, she was truly worth remembering.

🌻

"Xamuel!" His eardrum almost broke when his friends shamelessly called his name.

Although he didn't want to cause any disturbance in the airport, he couldn't resist the overwhelming joy he felt meeting his friends personally for the first time again after a decade.

"Frost, South, Lion! Mga brad!"

He yelled each of their names and ran towards them like a kid. Xamuel let go of his large luggage to embrace his friends. The bastards opened their arms to welcome him, which only lasted a second. They began punching him in different parts of his body and caused Xamuel to laugh out loud.

"Ang tanda niyo na!" Pang-aasar ni Xamuel matapos siyang bugbugin ng tatlo.

South snorted. "Nagsalita! Akala mo siya pabata."

"Tara, ano? Inom tayo ngayong gabi?" tanong na may pagyaya ni Lion.

Xamuel smirked. "Why not?"

"'Yon! Akala ko tatanggihan mo, e. Tara na!" Natatawang sabi ni Frost.

Ang mga gago, umakto pang parang bodyguards ni Xamuel sa paglalakad nila palabas. The people were watching them and were probably disturbed by the group of men acting like teenagers.

Iisang sasakyan lamang ang kanilang dala at kasya na roon ang apat. Lion was the driver and Frost occupied the front seat next to Lion. South entered last because he helped Xamuel carry and arrange his luggage at the back.

Sa biyahe ay puro kwentuhan at asaran lamang ang kanilang ginawa. Nakaramdam ng ginhawa si Xamuel nang napagtantong hindi naman pala gaanong nagbago ang mga kaibigan niya, mga maiingay at makukulit pa rin ngunit hindi na gaanong kagaya noon.

"Tang ina nito ni Xamuel, akala mo hindi tumanda," Frost said, making Muel laugh.

"Iba ba talaga kapag sa ibang bansa tumitira?" Walang kwentang tanong naman ni South.

"Ba't 'di mo subukan, ang dami mo namang pera," Xamuel said.

"Balak ko na talagang manirahan sa ibang bansa at doon mamatay but my mom is now in her age. Alam niyo na... I want to take care of my mother," South said.

"Hindi na ba makapag-travel si Tita?" Frost asked while his sight was wandering outside through the window.

"Hindi na rin..." bigong sagot ni South na mukhang pilit pa niyang tinatago.

"Ayos lang 'yan, brad, at least kasama mo pa si tita. Bibisita ako bago umalis, sana kaya pa niyang gumawa ng paborito natin—"

"Puto!" sabay-sabay na sigaw nilang lahat. South laughed, he probably felt nostalgic when Xamuel mentioned their favorite.

"Nako, susubukan 'yan ni mama, for sure. Basta para sa atin," South firmly said.

Xamuel sent a message to his wife informing her that he landed safely in the Philippines and met his friends at the airport. May katagalan din bago nakarating ang apat sa tinuluyang hotel ni Xamuel dulot ng mabigat na traffic. Mabilis nilang nahanap ang tamang unit ni Xamuel at ang mga gago, nauna pang pumasok kaysa sa may-ari. Napailing na lamang si Xamuel habang may multong ngit dahil kailanman ay hindi talaga nagbago ang parteng ito ng mga kaibigan niya.

Somehow, the fear he felt while onboard slowly lessened. Their never-ending fights and jokes made him comfortable. He thought he would have a hard time returning, but seeing how normal his friends were, he thought it wasn't that bad.

South occupied the couch, Lion grabbed free or not junk food, and Frost, the one with the thickest face, went to his bed and took a selfie.

"Ang ganda ng lightings dito," anunsyo pa ni Frost.

"Sama ako," sabi ni South at lumipat na rin sa kama.

"Ako rin!" Lion inserted himself, too.

"Ang gagaling ninyo," Xamuel sarcastically said as he watched his friends occupy his bed.

"Inggit ka lang, halika na rito, kasya ka pa," natatawang sabi ni Frost.

Hindi masabi ni Xamuel kung tumanda ba talaga sila o hindi ngunit siya ring si tanga, nakisama rin. Minuto matapos ang kanilang kabaliwan, nagsimula na si Xamuel mag-ayos ng gamit. Lion was still eating his junk food while the other two bastards continued their photoshoot. Xamuel didn't mind them and finished arranging his things.

Nadistorbo lamang siya muli nang lapitan ni South. "Xamuel, bibili lang kami ni Lion ng beer at pulutan," pagpaalam ni South.

Xamuel timidly nodded.

"Magdala ka rin ng mga chiks, brad!" pabirong sigaw ni Frost.

Ito, pasimuno talaga kahit kailan—Xamuel thought.

Binatukan niya nga si Frost para magtigil. "Aray!" Sinamaan naman siya nito ng tingin.

"Biro lang pala, South!" bawi ni Frost sa sinabi habang iniinda pa rin ang sakit.

Natatawa siyang tinanong ni Xamuel, "Ang tanda mo na, hindi ka pa rin nagbabago?"

"Aba, teka... faithful na 'to—" Tinuro pa niya ang kanyang sarili. "Itong g'wapong 'to, ngayon!"

Xamuel scoffed hearing that coming from Frost, the most notorious playboy back then. "Buti nga sa 'yo, natali ka rin."

Frost allowed Xamuel to excuse himself so he could clean up and take a quick shower before Lion and South returned. Puno ng kuwentuhan tungkol sa bawat karanasan nila nitong nagdaang taon ang naging simula ng inuman.

Everyone seemed cool even Lion who he heard had it tough. Xamuel thanked every deity in this world for making Lion—at least—a little happy after all that happened. South was chill too but he looked stiff. Being his usual self, Frost kept joking around like he wasn't in pain.

They jammed to the old songs they used to sing. Hindi namalayan ni Xamuel kung paano napunta sa panliligaw struggles ni Frost ang topic ngunit naaliw naman siya sa mga kwento nila.

Xamuel chuckled. "Dapat pala umuwi ako rito noong nanliligaw 'tong si Daddy Frost."

Frost made a disgusted face because of the word daddy. "Shut up, Xamuel. Only my wife can call me that!"

"Muntik na nga siyang itapon ni Jabe sa putikan noon," kuwento pa ni South na siyang naging saksi sa nangyari.

"Jabe na naman, 'di ko na 'yon gusto," Frost said and rolled his eyes.

"Alam ko pero siya lang kasi ang babaeng ilang beses kang tinanggihan. Mukha kang tanga no'n," South pointed out.

"Tangina niyo lagi kayong nag-aaway, baka kayo talaga ang para sa isa't isa," tukso ni Lion sa dalawa.

"Putang ina naman," naiiyak na mura ni South.

"Baka nga talaga!" pakikisabay ni Frost. "South, okay lang naman siguro sa 'yo ang tulad kong single father—"

"Putangina, lumayo ka sa 'kin gago kang demonyo ka!" histerikal na siyaw ni South nang akitin siya ni Frost na muling naging dahilan ng malakas na tawanan.

Nagpatuloy ang kwentuhan hanggang pakonti-konti'y naging seryoso na ito. Mukhang may mga tama na ang tatlo at nawalan na ng enerhiyang itago ang mga tunay nararamdaman gamit ang mga biro. Hindi na nila napansing dinuduga rin ni Xamuel ang inom.

South looked at Xamuel and asked, "Hindi mo ba dadalawin ang puntod ni Yara?"

He swayed his head twice. "Hindi ko alam kung saan."

Lion joined in, "Tulungan tayo? We also want to visit her. Ilang taon rin kaming naging busy at nawalan ng oras para bumisita man lang sa kaibigan nating... sumakabilang buhay."

"Sure," Xamuel muttered as he played with his beer.

Suddenly, their mood went down. When South brought it up, the festive noise and smiles on their faces disappeared. Xamuel could obviously tell that they were all still affected by the past.

"Sayang," Lion whispered. "Kung buhay pa si Yara, siguradong masaya siya para sa inyo ni Klassey or maybe, kayong dalawa ang nagkatuluyan."

They all let out a deep sigh.

The room was silent when Frost initiated to speak. "Gano'n talaga ang buhay mga brad. May papasok, may lalabas."

Napamura na lang si Xamuel sa kanyang isipan sa narinig. Ano pa bang maaasahan kay Frost? Magbibigay na lang nga ng payo, madumi pa ang naging halimbawa. Bahagya namang natawa ang dalawa sa sinabi ni Frost.

"Tanginang magkakaibigan 'to, lahat bigo sa pag-ibig ang puta," mura ni South at iritadong sinabunutan ang sarili.

Frost chuckled. "Dapat Broken Hud ang pangalan ng grupo natin, e."

"Pwede pa namang palitan." Xamuel chuckled.

Limang minuto ang lumipas saka lamang nila napagdesisyunang mag-ayos. After the cleaning, they each received a call from home. Hindi maiwasang humalakhak ni Xamuel dahil sa mga hitsura ng mga kaibigan, akala mo kung sinong aso na biglang umamo.

"Sige, brad! Sa susunod na lang ulit," pagpapaalam ni Frost na nagmamadali nang lumabas dahil umiiyak daw ang anak niya dahil wala pa siya.

Kinawayan sila ni Xamuel bilang pagpapaalam at sinarado na ang pinto nang nagsimula silang lumakad palayo. Hindi mapagkakailang naging masaya si Xamuel ngayong unang araw niya muli sa Pilipinas dahil sila ang bumungad, kahit ang nakaiiritang pagmumukha ni Frost.

After everything, Xamuel finally landed on his comforting bed. He texted Klassey to inform her that he was about to go to bed, but an hour later, Xamuel dumbfoundedly stared at the ceiling because he couldn't fall asleep.

He decided to check his phone's gallery just to see the memories again they made with Yara. Kumuha pa siya ng maayos na patungan ng phone para komportable niyang mapanood ang slideshow. Kahit pa may pag-aalinlangan ay pinilit niyang pindutin ang play button. Hindi pa naipapakita ang unang litrato ay mabilis niya itong inexit at pinatay ang cellphone.

"I would rather dream about it than watch it play and hurt me," he whispered weakly as his eyes began to close.