25. Arya

After school I wait anxiously beside Seth's car. For once he doesn't make me wait very long. He comes storming out of the school, his backpack slung over his right shoulder haphazardly. His eyes fixate on me the minute he steps out of the building. Instead of taking his time and keeping his cool, he jogs towards me, pushing past people and ignoring their annoyed shouts at him.

"I..." He starts but cuts himself off at the sight of me.

"Let's just get in the car, please. We can talk inside." I suggest and he nods, gladly accepting my offer. 

His anxiety is clear in the way he holds himself. Something has changed in him. I'm not sure what it is yet but I will do what I have to to find out!

Instead of starting the car, Seth slumps down in the driver's seat. I shut my door and take a deep breath, not sure what to expect. He grasps onto the steering wheel, staring down into his lap. The muscles in his jaw flex and his whole body tenses up. I can't help but reach out to touch him. My hand moves at its own volition, gently sliding over his right arm until I grab hold of his wrist. His head turns painfully slowly and then there's so much emotion burning in his eyes that it almost hurts to look at him. Never have I seen this amount of pain in Seth's eyes before.

"May I explain something to you?" I whisper, my voice cracking slightly, fingers still wrapped around his wrist. 

He simply nods and drops his head again. I pull his hand into my lap and start to playing with his fingers tenderly.

"I'm not here to take anything from you. I'm not trying to interfere with your family situation. Really, you have to believe me. The only thing I'm trying to do is help you." Sucking my lower lip between my teeth, I try to organize the thoughts that are buzzing through my head like a bees. "I'm not quite sure why I even am trying to help you.

"When Paulina ran away and you wouldn't listen to me... I wasn't mad because you were trying to take care of your family. I understand how important she is to you but I just wish you would have listened to me. You could have at least given me the chance to..." A knot forms in my throat and I squeeze Seth's hand in mine.

"I know," he whispers. "I'm a bastard. I get it."

He pulls his hand back and starts the engine.

"That is not what I'm trying to say. You've been through a lot, so have I, but if we were to try together, maybe we could figure this out. I'll talk to your parents again. Maybe I'll be able to convince them of not hiring the babysitter."

"That's not going to happen, Arya. They're not the kind of people you just talk to, don't you get it? If it were that easy, do you think I would be the way I am?!"

"And what exactly would that be? Do you even know who you are?" I snap back at him. This is going into a totally different direction than I expected but maybe this is also an opportunity to get some real emotion out of him. 

Seth steps down on the gas pedal and speeds off. Our surroundings blur by and I have to clutch onto my seat as I hate driving fast. My breathing goes rapid and I feel panic rising up from the pit of my stomach. I get the feeling that while Seth may be a safe driver, he is also an emotional one. 

"Can you please slow down a bit?" My pleas don't go through to him as he just keeps on getting faster and faster, completely ignoring the speed limit. It's only a matter of time until we get pulled out of traffic.

"Do you know how hard it is?" He asks out of the blue, eyes focused on nothing but the street in front of him. "The last couple of days I have been trying so hard. I've been trying to make everything right. School, soccer and most of all Paulina. I... It's hard! So hard! And I still get fucking criticized! Everyone's constantly nagging, disapproving and trying to tell me what I should do better. Well, guess what... I am so sick of it."

I take a moment to let his words sink in. It doesn't take long for me to realize how close to home they hit. I know exactly what it feels like to constantly be patronized. To be sized up and criticized no matter what I do. People do it all the time even if they don't realize it. The looks they give me, the whispers and of course the comments. I just hadn't thought of Seth that way. He always comes across as someone who has it all. Someone who doesn't have any problems. Higher and mightier than anyone that crosses his path.

"I get it! Of course I do but you have to learn to live with it or you will not be able to get through it. You have to be stronger than them and not let them get to you." I try to explain as best as possible although panic is starting to turn into fear and I am barely able to breathe now. The fast driving is making it hard for me to think as I break out into a sweat.

Seth pulls onto the highway and my eyes almost bulge out of their sockets as he speeds up even more. The engine roars and his hands grip onto the steering wheel until his knuckles turn white. 

I'm about to ask him to slow down again when he shouts at me.

"That's easier said than done!"

"Don't you think I know? How do you think I deal with being mistreated every day? You have to be the bigger person in order to grow stronger! You're not alone in this... I know it might feel like that right now but you're not. There are so many people that care about you. You just have to open your eyes and realize that." I am now screaming my words at him as he appears to slip off into a world of his own.

"Slow down please..." I mutter but he can't even hear me over the loudness of the engine.

I push my hand into the pocket of my jeans where my phone is pressed against my thigh and pull the device out. I automatically dial Sam's phone number and press the phone to my ear. I'm not even sure why I'm calling him, all I know is that I'm not getting through to Seth and I can't be in this car with him any more. I'm panicking!

"Who are you calling?" Seth snaps and I turn my head to stare out the window. Our surroundings blurring by in a haze. I try to breathe evenly through my nose as heat rises inside me and black blotches appear in front of my eyes. 

Finally Sam picks up his phone and a sigh of relief slips from my lips.

"Yes?" He slurs into the phone.

"Where are you right now?" My voice is panicky and I can't hold any of my fear back.

"Home. I'm just getting my stuff for soccer practice. Why? Where are you? I thought you said you were getting a ride home!"

"I'm with Seth," I lower my voice and twist my body away from Seth who keeps glancing over at me, taking his eyes off the road. "Tell me what to do, Sam. I'm scared. I can't think straight. We're on the highway, I-I'm panicking. He's going so fast. He's not listening to me."

"Arya?" Seth asks and at the same time Sam curses into the phone.

"Okay, Ary. Try to calm him down as much as possible. I'll, I'll... I guess I could call the cops to get you."

Sam hangs up the phone and I can feel tears well up in my eyes.

"Who was that?" Seth demands.

"Nobody. Seth, can you please calm down and pull over? You're really scaring me," I beg, covering my face with my hands.

It only takes one look at me and all color gets drained from his face. His muscles visibly relax and he throws his head over his shoulder, slinging his arm around the back of my seat to look behind the car. The car swerves as he twists the steering wheel around. Suddenly a loud honking noise fills my ears and echoes inside my head. I slap my hands over my ears and Seth shouts out before pulling the car around again. The car we almost just hit, speeds off and the driver makes sure to flip us off. Seth pulls the car over and pulls the keys from the ignition. 

"Shit, Seth!" I shout at him and get out of the car. I bend over, putting my hands on my knees. The fresh air is intoxicating and suddenly I can't focus on anything but one scenario in particular.

My father is driving, my mother next to him. They never used to dress up but now they are. My mother is wearing a beautiful red gown that matches my red cocktail dress. Hers is glamorous while mine is playful and age appropriate. It is my birthday and we are going out for dinner. I am happy because my parents are my best friends. The people that I love the most. The people that make me happiest. My father gives me a proud glance through the rear view mirror as I tell him about my day. At the same exact moment, my mother starts screaming in pure panic. 

The exact same scream won't leave my head right now. My hands cover my ears again as Seth climbs out of the car and appears in front of me. 

"Are you okay?" He asks, walking towards me.

"Okay?!" I scream. "I am not okay! I told you to slow down! We could have died just then! If that man wouldn't have paid more attention... We could have died!"

My sobs are pathetic but I don't care. If there is one thing I fear, it is dying in a car crash. I try to push the memory of my mother's blood curdling scream to the back of my head and stand up straight, breathing like I just ran a marathon. My heart is going a hundred miles in my chest.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know you meant it..."

"How could I not have meant it?!" I'm getting pissed now. He just doesn't see it. "Seth not everything is about you!"

"Arya, I'm sorry!" 

"It's not enough," I yell and am painfully aware of the look on his face. He thinks I'm crazy. He thinks I'm overreacting, dramatic, over the top.

"You know what, Seth?! Fuck you! I like you, I really do but after this, you're dead to me! I should have never even given you a chance in the first place. Sam is right! You need to sort out your life before you drag anyone else into your misery! Maybe you should try therapy for your own good!"

Seth steps back from me, narrowing his eyes but I am more than serious and I don't regret one word.

"I called Sam earlier because I was afraid! I was afraid that you wouldn't be able to slow down. I don't even want to imagine what could have happened. Try to imagine how you would feel if you had a life on your conscience just because of one stupid mistake!"

"I wouldn't have let anything happen to you. I was in control the whole time—"

"You don't know what you're talking about! In a situation like this, you're not in control! You don't control these things!" My voice gets raspy from shouting so much and I just wish Sam would hurry up and get me already.

"Look, I can't be with someone or even be close to someone that I constantly have to fear and I don't think I can help you. I am just not strong enough. You need professional help. Talk to a teacher. They can refer you to psychologists."

"You can't be serious." Seth grabs onto my arm to make me look at him but I tear it away from him.

"Don't you dare touch me! I am serious, Seth. Until you get your act together don't talk to me. Don't contact me. Don't even look at me! Go home and get some help because you need it. The world doesn't revolve around you. You need to grow up and get a hold of yourself and I'm sorry that I need to be the one to tell you this but it is the truth."

With that I turn my back to him and start walking. As cars rush by me, I feel like breaking down but I keep my head up and sling my arms around my body. I know I am right. It might hurt now but this is for the best.