22. Arya

"You need to stop letting your insecurities get to you! You are beautiful. Fiercely real!" The top model on television tries to convince the wannabe model but seems to be talking right back at me.

After my breakdown earlier today, I somehow manage to get a grip and drag myself back home in utter shame. Sam has locked himself in his room and has turned up his stupid electronic music that I know he only plays when he's pissed and wants the world to know. Deciding to leave him alone is probably the best idea I've had all day. 

The search for the next best top model on television caught my attention once I rolled up on the couch in our living room, dressed in the slouchiest clothes I could find. Now I have been watching it for the last thirty minutes, following the struggle of one particular girl that interests me. Her being the only ''plus-size'' model has me relating to her in a strange way. The blonde bombshell is not nearly my size and she's probably the type of model that causes outrage because she gets labeled "plus size" when she's truly just got perfect curves but I still relate to her. 

"There are two beautiful ladies standing in front of me but," the beauty on the screen is interrupted by my phone ringing upstairs. 

You might wonder how I manage to hear my phone all the way from down here? Well, imagine never ever getting a phone call and then all of a sudden you hear your ringtone blaring through the house like a siren warning you about social interaction. That's me right now. I quickly jump off the couch and run up the stairs at lightning speed.

When I finally reach my room, I locate my phone next to my backpack and quickly answer the call, not paying any attention to caller ID.

"Arya, it's Mel." I can't respond as realization hits me like a ton of bricks. "Not sure if you forgot or if you're sick or something but I was expecting you to come in to work today."

"Mel, I'm so sorry. I totally forgot... Do you still want me to come in? I could..."

"Don't worry about it." She chuckles and I'm relieved that she's not mad at all. "I'm on my own today so I'd love it if you could come over. It's a slow day but I would appreciate the company."

"Right. I will be right there! Give me twenty minutes, okay?" She agrees and we say goodbye before I hang up the phone.

I quickly strip out of my lounge clothes and put my jeans and shirt back on. Forcing my tangled hair into a top knot, I don't bother reapplying my make up and skip back downstairs. On the way down, I grab my bag with some art supplies, my uniform and my notepad in it.

On the television screen the plus size model is currently hugging the host of the show and waving her photo at the other girls while another bleach blonde model is crying on the catwalk. I grin to myself, satisfied about the fact that the bigger girl beat out the typical beauty but my elation doesn't last long. Turning off the television, I run from the house and leg it to the art store. Usually Sam would drive me but he is so pissed off right now, asking him is not an option.

The only other people with cars I know are either Seth or Ethan. Neither of them are actual options. I have already embarrassed myself enough and I wouldn't make it any worse now. 

So I keep walking... and walking, and walking. 

My feet are tired and sore when I finally make it to the art store. Mel is already waiting for me by the door, stepping on a cigarette bud and blowing out a cloud of smoke. 

"You didn't see that," she mutters, ushering me into the tiny store. "Do you mind sorting out the acrylics, please? They're all messed up and people have been confusing the paints and the according descriptions." 

I happily accept the request as it will be a much needed distraction. Surprisingly, the walk did help me calm down a lot, clear my mind somehow. The whole way down, I didn't think of Seth once. Or Ethan for that matter. The two of them were buried at the very back of my mind. Now, on the foreground was the self serving smile of that curvy model on television. Something about her beating out the skinny girl put a pep in my step. What if that whole thing is a weird metaphor send down from the gods? What if this whole time I've been putting myself down for being different, for being bigger when all I needed to do was accept the fact that I'm not perfect and just go with it. The girl on television was beautiful and no one argued with that although she struggled with her own self-image...

"Excuse me!" I hear a young voice calling out to me and I turn around with a smile on my face, setting down a stack of description cards for the acrylic paints. 

The smile drops as soon as I recognize the little girl who the voice belongs to. Bright-eyed, brown curls tied up into a high ponytail, Seth's younger sister stares up at me. 

"Huh?" For this I receive an authoritative glance from Mel who hates it when I don't put on my happy face when speaking to customers. Of course she doesn't know that Seth and his little sister aren't just some random customers. Although I'm not sure she'd have me treat them any different if she knew who they are.

"Can you give me some crayons?" Paulina chirps, looking back at Seth for affirmation. He smiles down at her and my heart does a double take. I ignore Seth's glance towards me and lead the little girl towards the shelf that holds many different crayons, coloring coals, coloring chalk and coloring pencils.

"If you want, you can pick out the colors you like and I will pack them up for you in a pretty little box, okay?" I suggest, slightly bending down to her and she nods excitedly. I grin and step back to give her space but still observe her as she eyes the display of colors in front of her.

"You okay?" Seth stands next to me but I keep my eyes focused on his little sister.

"I'm fine." I shouldn't be so short with him here. I don't want to risk this job and can feel Mel's eyes burning holes into the back of my head so I take a few steps closer to Paulina who seems to be trying to decide between a pink coal pencil and a purple crayon. "We've got some more up here. Let me get them down for you."

I reach up to take down a box of crayons from one of the higher shelves but don't even get the chance to lift it as Seth appears behind me and takes it from my grasp and puts it on the ground in front of his sister. The tiny girl gasps in excitement and kneels down in front of it, rummaging through the colors and smiling non stop.

Seth grabs onto my arm, forcing me to look at him. His eyes show his confusion as I lower mine. I can't stand to look at him as it makes Sam's words shoot back at me like tiny daggers of betrayal. I know how much it hurts my cousin that I spend time around Seth... so could I really continue to ignore Sam's concerns?

"Can we talk somewhere?" He almost begs but I lower my eyes and shake my head, thinking that I may have made up my mind.

"I'm at work, Seth. Can't it wait until tomorrow?"

"I really just need to talk to you. Alone," he glances over my shoulder at his little sister. "When are you getting off work?"

"In about an hour," I say as I check my wristwatch. 

"Fine." He steps around me, bends down to his sister and wraps his hands around the bundle of crayons Paulina has picked out. He then puts them onto the counter by the cash register. I follow him and take my spot behind the register. I pick out a black and pink striped box to put the crayons in and wrap them with a pink bow. 

"That'll be $9.99 for the crayons and the box," I mutter, feeling almost embarrassed at having to charge Seth.

He doesn't seem to notice that, slams a ten dollar bill on the counter, turns and leaves. 

A bit disappointed, I go back to work but now it is way harder to consciously push Seth to the back of my mind. Especially after Mel investigates me about the handsome stranger that appeared to have entered the store just to talk to me. Her words not mine. She doesn't know how right she actually is and I don't feel the need to tell her. Why does Seth get to walk into my life whenever it suits him? 

The later the evening gets, the less customers come in so I take a seat behind the counter and pull out my sketchpad. 

Flipping open a free page, I pick out some graphite pencil and start drawing. When I draw, my mind just goes somewhere completely different. What ends up on the paper is never what I expect in the first place and it's always a surprise. Sometimes I don't even know what the drawing is supposed to mean. It's kind of like dreaming. Everything that's on my mind mashes together. Doesn't matter if it's fact or fictional. And then it somehow ends up in my notebook. My notebook is more than just my diary. I've had it ever since I was ten years old. You can add new paper to it if you need to but the cover is all torn up and about to fall apart. I don't care though. It holds so many memories that I can't let go of it.

I am so deeply in thought when I draw that I don't hear the front door opening. 

"That's really amazing." I jump and shut my sketchpad immediately. 

"You weren't supposed to see that," I shriek, getting off the chair and creating distance between Seth and me. "What are you even doing here? I thought you were long gone!"

"I just brought Poppy back home. Like I said, I have to talk to you," he urges and checks his phone. "It's seven. You're off work now, right?"

I look around and see Mel putting up the chairs.

"I'll have to help clean up," I explain, pointing my thumb at Mel.

"Just get out of here, kid," she calls and I sigh. So much for buying myself some time.

"Thanks," I call almost sarcastically and disappear in the back to change out of my uniform and back into my normal clothes. I regret not putting more effort into my outfit now but immediately curse myself for even worrying about this.

When I come back out, Seth and Mel are gushing about little Paulina. Mel seems absolutely in love with her despite not having spent any time with her at all. I can't blame her, though. Paulina does seem like a sweet child... except for the fact that she is easily manipulated and has a big mouth. Then again, what child doesn't?

"If you ever decide to give her up for adoption, feel free to contact me," Mel jokes and I cringe slightly at her joke. That woman has no filter.

"I wouldn't mind that sometimes," Seth laughs and Mel is clearly enchanted by his charm. Where is this charm even coming from?! Mel is falling hook line and sinker for whatever act Seth is playing right here.

"Let's go then," I snap a bit too dramatically, crossing my arms in front of my chest, my bag hanging off my shoulder.

Seth nods and we both say our goodbyes to Mel, taking off. The close by park seems to be our mutual destination as we wordlessly make our way towards it. It's best we don't talk on our way there as I'm not sure I can have a civilized conversation with Seth anymore. Once we get to the park, we end up on the swings. Surprisingly, Seth looks even more uncomfortable on the swings than I do and I can't help but smirk at him. The high and mighty Seth Smith on a children's swing at the park. What a view.

"So, what did you want to talk about?" I start swinging back and forth slightly, letting my feet graze the sand underneath them, creating little craters.

"Just thought I would apologize..." He looks down at the ground and once again my stupid heart does one of its acrobatic acts inside my chest. "I know Miller, um, your cousin, doesn't like me."

"Don't apologize." And then my earlier conviction starts to crumble. Sam is going to be ashamed of me if he ever finds out but the apologetic look on Seth's face has my insides turn to mush. "You know, I should be the one apologizing. Not you. After what Sam did today, I really don't know how to make that up to you. Sure, you guys have never been friendly with each other but he's just impossible. Not even I hate you this much."

Seth cracks a smile and shrugs his shoulders, "He has every reason to hate me, Arya. You probably don't see this but I kind of get where he's coming from."

I narrow my eyes at him and he shrugs his shoulders again.

"You're like a sister to him right?" Seth continues, body turned towards me, eyes boring into my unabashedly. "Well, I would never let anything happen to Poppy. She is everything I have. Sam thinks I am some spoiled asshole, which I have been all my life so I don't really blame him for that, and he doesn't want you to get hurt. It's not just rivalry between two soccer players any longer."

"I'm sorry," my smile is crooked as I meet Seth's eyes. "When did you get so wise?"

"I realized that being an asshole and resting on my dad's money won't get me any where," he chuckles darkly but there is pain behind his eyes- "Hey, I was wondering. Why are you always hiding your drawings? They're amazing."

"They're personal," I shut him down, remembering that this wasn't the first time he had seen my drawings. He had seen one of the most personal things I had ever drawn. Something that wasn't supposed to ever get out to the world and only exist in my imagination and notepad. 

"Oh... Well, maybe you'll feel comfortable to... you know... show someone," he suggest hesitantly, wetting his lower lip with his tongue.

"Maybe someday. By the way, what you saw back in the day... the drawing of... well, that. It doesn't mean anything. It's in the past. You don't have to worry about that now. I'm much better now," I assure him and he smiles.

"That's good to hear," a genuine smile spreads across his face as he gets up off the swing. I mimic him but instead of heading off as I expected him to do, he turns towards me and before I can stop him, he wraps his arms around my body and pulls me to him. My head presses into his chest as I am quite a bit shorter than him. For once, I don't worry about how my shirt might rise up over my hips or how my skinny jeans create a muffin top. No, right now I listen to Seth's heartbeat through his shirt, feel his hands on my back and enjoy his chin resting on top of my head. 

He pulls away too early and gives me a last brilliant smile, showing his teeth. 

"I should probably get you home. Wouldn't want to piss off your cousin." He winks at me and I feel a blush rising.

"That's... probably a good idea," I sigh, already missing the feeling of his body against mine.

At that moment I realize, I am in this way deeper than I thought.