21. Arya

My heart pumps painfully as I watch the distance between Seth and me grow bigger and bigger. His back so tense and taking large strides away from me somehow tears at my heart. I want to scream in frustration or hit something but I have to keep myself together. People are starting to fill the hallway around me. I watch them talking and laughing with each other while I'm standing here, realizing that I ruined that tiny bit of progress made in the matter of seconds. A few words and now we're back at the beginning.

I can't let this happen! I'm not going to be a passive participant in my own life anymore. Color me crazy but I'm going to run after this guy. 

Ignoring the looks I'm getting from my class mates, I rush through the crowd to catch up to Seth. I have lost sight of him now but there's only one way he could go. To the parking lot. Once I escape through the large front doors, I spot him again. He's almost at his car now.

"Wait," I gasp, out of breath now. 

When I finally reach him, I grab onto his arm and watch him twist around at the contact. His face is unreadable and I quickly recoil, taking my hand off of him. I don't want to make things even worse.

"What?!" He snaps but his voice breaks and he can't hide the disappointment in his eyes from me. I can see right through him which gives me a certain satisfaction. I wasn't wrong. There is more to him than his ice-cold masque. 

"Where are you going?" My voice comes out in huffs as I try to catch my breath.

"Home," he states simply and is about to turn around again but I step in front of him to block his way.

"I'll come with you." A muscle in his jaw twitches and I think I see the hint of a smile tug at his lips. 

"No, you're not." Within seconds his voice is back to its usual icy cold and he avoids making eye contact. He looks over my shoulder and then all around us students seem to notice our conversation and try to watch without getting caught. 

I start to feel uncomfortable and wrap my arms around myself. My hair automatically falls in front of my face but I don't bother pushing it back. Finally, Seth looks down at me again, taking a few steps  towards me. He reaches out for me but quickly withdraws his hand. He clenches his jaw, blows out a breath through his nose and pinches the bridge of his nose. Then he does reach up to touch my cheek. His fingers only touch my skin for a second but in that fraction of a moment, he manages to push my hair back and tuck it behind my ear. My whole face suddenly feels like it's bursting into flames. A wave of something inexplicable renders me motionless.

"Fine, come on." Seth sighs in defeat and starts walking towards his car. I follow and excitement rushes through my whole body, putting me on edge. I wish I could get rid of this constant anxiety when I am around him but my whole body reacts to him like it gets drunk of just being close to him. 

As he slips into his car, I make sure to copy him as gracefully as possible and hope to god that he doesn't see my shirt rise up over my hip as I climb into the passenger seat. 

Instead of starting the engine, he leans back into his seat and puts his face in his hands, sighing. I can't help but glance at his bicep flexing as he does it but what catches my attention most are his trembling lips. I notice them the second he lets his hands drop down on his lap.

"Did I fuck everything up now?" He asks, barely able to look at me and I give him a sad smile, shaking my head.

"No." There's nothing else I can say but it seems to be enough as he grants me a real smile. A smile that brightens up his whole face and creates tiny dimples on his cheeks. My hand moves on its own account as it reaches up to touch his face. Seth is tense at first but soon he leans into my touch. 

"Good... because I don't know what I would do without..." He cuts himself off before finishing his sentence and I pull back my hand. 

Me? I finish his sentence in my mind. He couldn't possibly have meant... me. Just mere days ago I still thought of him as the bane of my very existence. What had changed? When had all of this happened? But maybe... maybe this has been happening inside him for far longer than I'd imagined. 

"You know, this is all really messed up, right?" I try to keep my voice calm but emotion betrays me, adding a shake to it. 

Seth scoffs, shakes his head and stays quiet for an agonizing couple of seconds. 

"How do you feel about me?" Seth completely ignores what I said and now fully turns around to look at me. His face is serious again and I can feel a blush, coloring my face a deep shade of red.

Am I really ready to have this conversation with him? I can't even admit any kind of feelings I have towards him to myself. I don't really know how I feel about him. First, I hated him with everything inside me but my gut tells me that Seth really isn't your typical, egocentric jock. The minute I saw him with his sister, I knew.

"I... I'm trying to figure that out myself. I guess, I just need some time to get over..." I pause, trying to figure out how to say this. "You know..."

"You don't have to protect me, Arya." Hearing my name coming from his mouth sends shivers down my spine. "Say what you have to say. Trust me, I have heard worse."

There's something so incredibly honest in his words that I barely recognize him now. I try to imagine where those words might come from. Maybe it's his father that constantly talks down to him or maybe it's teachers... or his mother. But I'm over-analyzing now. 

"I barely know anything about you." Just as the words leave my mouth, I realize how true they are. Although I've seen his parents, I haven't officially met them. I don't know much about his past or present. Don't know his dreams and goals for the future. "I can't say how I feel about you. I don't even really know you. All I can say is that for some strange and incredibly stupid reason, I am attracted to you."

He smirks and stares ahead, pushing his keys into the ignition. The engine roars up and Seth pulls out of the parking lot, the self-satisfied smirk never leaving his face.

"That's not so strange. I am pretty hot." The cockiness makes me giggle instead of angering me because I know he's not trying to upset me.

"I've seen better." I tease back, lying shamelessly.

"Liar."

"This cockiness isn't helping determine my feelings for you!" Instead of concentrating on the road ahead, Seth twists his head around to stare at me, his face so shocked, I burst out into laughter. "I was joking!"

"You--" But he can't finish his sentence as my phone starts ringing. I quickly pull my bag onto my lap and start digging for my phone. As soon as I grab onto it, I hit the answer button without looking at who it is. I immediately regret picking up when Sam's voice shouts at me through the phone speaker.

"Arya! Where the hell are you! I just got a call from your principal! Are you skipping?!" How had they noticed that I've been missing this quickly? 

My voice gets stuck in my throat as I suck in a deep breath. As if I hadn't angered Sam enough in these last couple of days. Now this will just top it all of. 

"Arya, answer me right fucking now! I was pulled out of class to call you and make sure you go back to school." He takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself down but clearly fails. "I am home right now and if you're not in this house in five minutes, I swear, I'm kicking you out!"

Before I can defend myself or say anything at all, he hangs up the phone.

"Who was--"

"You need to bring me home." I stare ahead, my voice panicky.

Seth must have recognized the distress in my voice as he pulls the car around and speeds off towards my home. I don't know if Sam would actually kick me out but considering the way I have been behaving, I wouldn't blame him. I haven't once talked to my social worker and now, I am skipping class. Sam could actually lose custody!

Fortunately we weren't far away from my house and Seth somehow manages to get me home within ten minutes. When we get to my house, though, Sam is already waiting in the driveway, pacing and clearly fuming with anger.

Seth parks the car in front of Sam's house and I jump out of the vehicle, rushing towards Sam.

"I am so sorry!" I exclaim but he holds up his hands, his eyes fixed on Seth who is coming up behind me.

"You were with him?" Sam shouts, pointing an accusing finger at Seth. "After everything, you actually side with that spoiled ass bastard? I thought you knew better! Guess I had you all wrong, Arya. I thought you actually had some integrity. I thought you were smart enough to know better. He is only playing with you!"

Seth steps beside me and I can feel him tense up at the accusations.

"What the hell do you know about me, Miller?" Seth snarls and I wish he didn't. Him speaking up only causes Sam's anger to flare even more. He looks about ready to pounce on him. 

"Enough! Now back the hell away from my cousin. Actually, get off my property or I'll call the fucking cops! I am so sick of you." Sam's threats are real and I know it but he is definitely over-reacting. 

Seth glances down at me and I give him a small smile. "It's okay. I'll be fine. Just go home. I don't want you to get in trouble."

"You sure?" Seth whispers, glancing at Sam who watches the whole scene in disbelieve, shaking his head and scoffing.

I just nod, trying to give a reassuring smile and turn away from Seth to walk towards my cousin. I grab Sam by the arm and pull him into the house, knowing that he would regret making an even bigger scene.

When I face him in the kitchen, there is nothing but pure disappointment on his face.

"Why are you doing this, Arya?"

"Doing what exactly, huh?" I'm getting upset now as my own anger mixes with the feeling of disloyalty. I don't like seeing my cousin like this. He almost seems heartbroken. And he probably is. I only now realize how all of this must look to him. He is my only family and I am all he has left to hold onto and now I'm going behind his back to see the one person that he despises.

"You know exactly what you're doing! I know you're not that stupid! Please tell me you're not friends with Seth Smith." Sam pleads and I just stare up at him, biting down on my bottom lip. "You're not friends with him, are you?"

He furrows his brow and suddenly he looks a century older than he actually is, "You like him. You think you have a chance to be in a relationship with him..."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I shriek, dreading the answer already.

"Come on, Arya! Your mother didn't raise you to be such a fool. Seth plays in a different league! Look who you're turning into just to be with him. You can't even see what he's doing to you. He has you skipping your classes! He is taking you away from me. Your only family! And the worst part is, you're letting it happen." Sam's face is red and he is creating distance between us, leaving me standing on my own.

I can't defend myself as the words, coming from him, hit me hard. Suddenly, everything between Seth and I seems like a complete fraud.

"I... I didn't mean to hurt you... I promise, I won't skip again." I stammer but Sam just scoffs.

"You wanna know what your promise means to me? Nothing! You keep promising and you never stick to your word. I don't even know you anymore. You should be ashamed. After all we've been through, you ruin our bond for this... this idiot."

I only now notice the tears, streaming down my cheeks. I don't want to cry but I can't stop.

I can't listen to this any longer, turn around and run out of the house. I don't know where I am going but I am running as fast as I can. I just need to get away from all of this. As my feet pound against the concrete, Sam's accusations echo in my head and I cry harder, making it incredibly hard to see and breathe.

At some point, I collapse and drop down on the ground. I pull my knees to my chest and cry into my hands, hyperventilating. The feeling of being pathetic and the anxiety of how I must look right now is overwhelmingly strong and puts me into a state of panic. I panic so hard that I can't stop images of my parents flashing in front of my eyes. The events that lead to their deaths repeat over and over and over again and they mash together with Sam's outburst. I can't stop it all and want to scream as I dig my fingers into my hair, gripping at my roots. 

I don't want to fall for Seth! That's the last thing I want but I just can't help it. Sam doesn't understand. I don't even understand but he doesn't even want to try. He only sees Seth one way and isn't willing to change his mind. At this point I'm not sure if I can have both, Sam as my family and Seth as the guy I want...