18. Arya

An awkward silence fills the room as I place two cans of soda on the coffee table in the living room and take a seat on the couch between Seth and Ethan. I cross my arms in front of my chest and try to scoot as far away from the two of them as possible.Despite my efforts, my shoulder rubs up against Ethan's ever so slightly and my thigh is only a mere inch away from touching Seth's. Turning my head, I first glance at Ethan and then Seth. I let my eyes linger on his profile as he stares ahead. For the first time today, I see the dark circles under his bright eyes and the slight stubble on his jaw. For someone who scrutinizes other people's appearance like he does, this sure is odd. 

I scold myself for wasting thought on his looks and clear my throat awkwardly.

"So..." I begin hesitantly. "Someone please start talking. I don't care who. Just... explain."

As if to torture me even more, both of them stay silent for another painful few seconds. I am starting to get the feeling that most of the explaining will be done by Ethan. He takes a deep breath and gets up off the couch. I immediately take the opportunity to scoot away from Seth as far as possible.

"I should start off by saying that there is a lot you don't know." Ethan wrings his hands, his eyes apologetic. I lift one eyebrow, urging him to go on. With an awkward chuckle, he continues. "Obviously. But there is also a lot I have been hiding from Seth as well. So, I guess, I should start at the beginning. I know Seth told you that we used to be neighbors. What he doesn't know is that I had a slight obsession with him back then."

"Dude, that is so fucking creepy," I cringe and frown at him. In return he gives me an unreadable look and scoffs.

As a blush rises up my cheeks, I glance back at Ethan who smirks at the two of us. "It's not that creepy. I was just a kid. My dad owns a few entertainment businesses around town so he made a lot of money. He had expectations. He wanted me to be exactly like you. You had everything. You were great at sports, you had a lot of friends and provided a good image for your family. I was the opposite. So, I started watching you. I tried to figure you out."

Ethan's usual carefree expression hardens and I can see flickers of the pain and jealousy he must have felt as a child. I can only imagine what it feels like to always have to prove yourself to your parents. The people that are supposed to love you no matter what. It must have been incredibly hard for him to be confronted with Seth every day and know that your own parents would rather have him as a son.

"You moved, though. Why?" Seth's voice tears me from my thoughts.

"Well..." Ethan sighs and focuses on me with a sad smile. "I didn't learn fast enough. My father shipped me off to my aunt's. You met her, Arya. She owns that bar we went to before."

A hazy memory of an older woman with long blond hair enters my mind and my eyes widen. The way he had acted around her didn't make it seem like they are family at all. And she served us alcohol. She must have known that we are minors.

"Yeah, yeah. I know. She was never an aunt to me. Not in the conventional way at least. She's not very caring. Of course my father knew damn well that she wouldn't be able to take care of me but he... he just didn't care anymore. She would take me out drinking when I was ten years old. Had my first drink at eleven. Dad couldn't care less. To him I was dead."

"And you're back because...?" 

"Well, Seth, like I just said, my aunt owns a bar in town. She bought it a little while ago and we moved back here," Ethan continues, his voice emotionless and somewhat cold.

"So you decided to pick up where you left off and just went straight back into obsession-mode? I get it, your childhood was a bit fucked up but why the fuck couldn't you just leave me out of it," Seth spits and I give him a disapproving look. Ethan just laughs sadly and shakes his head.

"I wouldn't call it an obsession. At least not anymore. I came back and when I saw you again, I couldn't believe my eyes. You were like an old friend. More like the memory of an old friend. Of course you didn't know me and I knew that if I tried to get close to you, you would just reject me like you did with her." Ethan nods towards me and I bristle.

Although I know what he says is true, it still hurts to hear someone say it. The fact that Seth presents him as untouchable and feared makes me mad because I know that deep down, he is the opposite of that. No matter how hard he tries to convince everyone of the fact that he's an asshole, I believe that there's good in everyone. I've seen it before. It's in there, he's just not willing to let the world see it yet. I might be stupid for giving him the benefit of the doubt but I was raised to give everyone a chance. Especially the ones that reject that chance the most, are the ones that also need it the most.

"Thanks for telling me this, and I don't mean to be impatient but none of this explains why you involved me. What is my part in all of this and... why did you kiss me?"

Seth scoffs and turns his head to stare at the door. Anywhere but me, it seems. I can now see how uncomfortable all of this makes him. He starts bobbing his knee up and down and Ethan stays quiet, eyes fixated on Seth, waiting for him to explain. When Seth still doesn't speak, something inside me snaps. I jump off the couch and stand next to Ethan with my hands on my hips.

"Come on, you owe me this much." A muscle in Seth's jaw twitches but he still doesn't speak. "You either grow a pair right now or get out of my house. I am so sick of this... of you!"

"Damnit," Seth growls and finally locks eyes with me. "I don't know how I could possibly owe you anything!"

"Cut the crap, Seth," Ethan interrupts. "We've been through this. Tell her."

My mind spins and suddenly I'm not so sure I'm ready to hear what's about to come. Nonetheless I stay quiet and focus all my attention on Seth. 

"Fine," he chokes out and gets off the couch as well. He takes a few hesitant steps towards me. Once he gets too close for comfort he blows out a breath and runs his hands through his hair. "For some reason Ethan got the idea that I might... That I might not hate you.

"So he decided to help me get you. His words. Not mine. He did everything to get you close to me. He took you to the park when he apparently knew I was there. Obviously he had to act like he hated me in order to make you believe it. He wanted you to stand up to me so you start being yourself around me. Whatever... So then he pretended to get with you and well, I didn't like that very much. He pretended to get drunk and I flipped. Of course, I didn't know that he was pretending at the time." Seth shoots Ethan a glare.

"That's it." He sits back down and turns his head away before I can read his expression.

That's it? Obviously not. 

Annoyance fills me to the brim, threatening to turn into full blown anger and spill over. Ethan at least told me his side of the story but what Seth is giving me is less than half-assed. 

"What did you tell Ethan to get him to stay away? Why are you even here now?"

Nothing out of Seth. Ethan puts his hand on my shoulder and squeezes it. I shrug him off, not sure what to think of him. He orchestrated all of this to get Seth to admit to me that he doesn't hate me? Talk about a waste of time.

"Are you sure that that's it?" I'm not sure where the confidence comes from but I'm glad it doesn't fail me as my voice stays strong and demanding.

Seth simply nods, his lips tight.

"Fine, then get out of my house," I order and point to the front door, determined.

Ethan laughs but Seth's eyes widen, anger clearly displayed in them. 

"Get out of my house right now. I wanted an explanation not just more secrets. I am so sick of not being able to sleep at night because I am confused and afraid to go to school the next day. I gave you the chance to explain yourself and you gave me nothing. So do yourself a favor and get out of my house." I turn towards Ethan."You too. Please leave."

As they both stay right where they are, annoyance turns to frustration. I can't help but feel like they're trying to upset me on purpose. My heart starts beating faster and my eyes fill up with tears of frustration. I cover my eyes with my hands and turn away from the two sets of eyes that are glued on me. A few salty tears roll down my cheeks and I quickly wipe them away. Why do I have to start crying now? Stupid tear ducts! 

When I hear the door being shut, I turn around and notice that Ethan has left. Seth got up off the couch and walks towards me. I want to back up but feel like my feet are glued to the spot. I want my theory on him to be true. I want him to be good and a tiny part of me even wants him to like me. 

"What are you still doing here?" My voice cracks and I curse myself for being such an emotional wreck.

"I couldn't... couldn't really talk to you with him here," Seth admits. "Will you sit down? You're driving me nuts."

For some reason, I remember the time I came to visit him at his house when he just got out of the hospital. The way he speaks. It is somehow softer. The person that I know is inside him is coming out. The person that I know he is afraid of showing.

I sit down on the couch again and he sits next to me but turns to face me. This time he's not making an effort to avoid looking at me. Instead it seems as though he's comfortable just like this.

"It's hard for me to open up to anyone. Not just you."  The words come out strained and his face almost looks pained as he closes his eyes for a second. "I've.. I really have been an ass to you. To say the least. God..."

I clench my jaw and stop more tears from falling. I tell myself that this is what I want. From the first time I met him, Seth has made my life hell. Every time we've seen each other up until now, he has found a way to make me feel awful about myself. 

"He was right. Ethan was right." He stares at me and now it's my turn to break eye contact as his gaze is too intense. "Ethan was trying to make me realize something. Something that I tried really hard to ignore."

"And what is that," I whisper, my mouth getting dry and my mind starts to race. Strangely I want him to say it and not say it at the same time. 

"Don't make me say it," he pleads and for a second, he looks like a lost little boy.

"Please. I need to hear it."

He sighs and puts his head in his hands before looking up at me again, "I like you, Arya. There, I said it. Are you happy now?"

Although this is what I expected in the very depths of my stupid head, I am not happy. The fact that liking me causes him this much agony and discomfort just makes me more upset. He can't cope with his feelings. He had so many girlfriends. Girlfriends like Leena that he probably had mindless sex with and it didn't matter because she was popular and gorgeous and perfectly bitchy. But I am not. I am different. I am fat and awkward. No where near Leena's standards.

"Maybe I should go," he suddenly says and my chest hurts. I don't want him to leave. I want him to sit there... just stay. Stay so I can listen to him speak. Watch his full lips move. Observe every feature of his beautiful face. Enjoy the feeling of my tingly skin and racing heart.

"Seth..." His lips twitch as I say his name. "I hate you. I hate you for what you did to me, I really do. Every mean word you said is burned into my mind. You don't know what it's like to live in my skin. Everywhere I go, people give me looks. Little kids call me names and I just have to laugh it off because their parents secretly agree. I am constantly worrying about how I look. Back at my old school, I was bullied to the point of... Whatever... It was terrible and I wanted to start over at this new school. And then there you are, trying to make my life miserable."

I let a stray tear roll down my cheek as I tell him about my feelings. Never in a thousand years did I imagine, telling him about any of this but right now it feels right. Like he needs to know.

"You didn't even give me a chance. You never got to know me and every time you were so cruel to me, I had to pretend to be strong and act like you didn't hurt me... but you did."

"And I am sorry, I really am." He shakes his head, ashamed. 

"Are you? If you're with your friends on Monday and I come up to you and try to talk to you, are you going to ignore me, maybe make fun of me and leave me behind or are you going to introduce me to the group? Next time Leena makes a bitchy remark, are you going to defend me instead of ignoring it?" I already know the answer so I don't expect him to speak. No, he just stares back at me and I offer him a smile.

"I don't know what to say." He reaches his hands out to me but I step back and away from him.

"I know you don't which just makes this worse. I don't expect you to be perfect but if you think you can just come in here and put down this confession and then have the audacity to expect me to jump into your arms, you are more conceited than I thought... and maybe even a little naive. I might not have many friends and surely don't get much attention from guys but I am not desperate. No matter what my feelings are towards you, I just can't... I can't be close to you if you don't know how to treat me properly." I don't know where these words are coming from as I let them slip from my lips. I honestly just want to shut up and let him hug me. I want to know what it's like to be admired by someone like him but I am glad that I don't give in. I don't want to be hurt and this is going to prevent that from happening.

"How do I do it?" The question comes out of the blue, his hands dropping back to his side. He is still wearing that heartbreaking expression that is making my chest tight.

"How do you do what?"

"How do I... you know... love you? How can I do it. Please tell me. I am so sick of being me. So sick of always trying to please everyone around me. So sick of being an ass. My father's son. I hate it. Please tell me how to do it," he begs and his voice cracks, sending shocks through my whole body. 

I just shake my head because I honestly have no idea. The person standing in front of me, so vulnerable and clueless... so broken is not the Seth I know. He is a totally different person and although he finally told me everything, I am more confused than ever.

So I do the only thing that I have been craving to do. The only thing I can think of to comfort him.

I step towards him, ignore the voices in my head that tell me to step back, and wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him to me.

He hesitates but wraps his arms around me, barely touching me.

The moment doesn't last for long. He steps away and I let my hands slide over his shoulders before breaking contact. He looks down at the ground and clears his throat.

"I should go. I.. I need to go."

And with that he disappears out of the door, leaving me in the middle of the room, alone and desperate for something to make sense for once.