14 - Exhaustion
14. Seth
Anyone who says that Monday is the worst day of the week, has definitely not lived through a Tuesday like mine today.
All I had wanted to do last night was fall into bed. My whole body had been on edge, anger and frustration cursing through my veins.
So I put Paulina to bed and then fell into my own, forcing my eyes shut and willing my body to get some rest. But that wasn't at all what happened. After about an hour of tossing and turning, checking my phone and staring at my ceiling I gave up on sleep. Instead, I stumbled towards my bathroom and took a hot shower. The water scalded my skin but I didn't mind. All I wanted to do was sleep and maybe just maybe a shower would help.
It did not work.
So I just stayed in my room, wide awake yet exhausted and waited for the sun to rise.
It was extremely strange to hear people waking up in my house when I usually slept until Poppy woke me up. She is my own personal alarm clock. But this morning I listened to Lily shuffle through the house before the sun had risen as she started cleaning and preparing everything for the day. I even stayed face down in my pillows to listen to the gardener mow the lawn. Needless to say, the noise from the lawn mower just worsened my already dreary mood.
Now, bright red numerals show 07:00 am on my alarm clock and I decide it's time to peel myself out of bed and get ready for school.
As I drag myself towards my closet, I realize that I am not only mentally but also physically exhausted. I barely manage to put on a pair of sweatpants and hoodie. As I struggle with my clothes, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror but quickly avert my gaze. I look like shit.
It's all her fault.
"Seth..." Lily's concerned voice greets me when I enter the kitchen where she's working on breakfast for my little sister. "Is everything okay? You look ill."
She lifts her hand and reaches for my forhead but I flinch back from her touch. Her arm drops back to her side.
"I am sure we can arrange for you to stay at home just this once if you're not feeling well," she offers.
I know she means well but I choose to ignore her anyway. I am already irritated and I have enough of people talking to me all together. Why can't they just leave me the fuck alone and let me live my life? This must be karma.
Grabbing a bottle of water, I sit down on one of the barstools at the kitchen isle. The cool water does nothing to calm my headache.
A hand touches my shoulder lightly and I twist my head to the right to see Lily, Aspirin in hand. She places the Aspirin in front of me and takes the empty bottle from my grip. Within seconds she returns with a tall glass of water and places it in front of me.
Her disapproving gaze doesn't leave my face for a second and I wonder for a second if this is in her job description. Did my parents tell her to look after us while they're obviously incapable of doing that themselves?
"Take this." Lily nods towards the white pill and I don't hesitate to place it on my tongue before washing it down with more tab water. My stomach rumbles but I stubbornly ignore it. I know that if I eat now, the food is not going to stay down for very long.
"Do you want me to go wake up Paulina?"
"Yes, please," I mumble, my voice sounding rough so I clear my throat. "I think I'm gonna head out. Tell her that I'm sorry."
"I will. Please come back home if you're still not feeling well later. You shouldn't take a head injury too lightly." I furrow my brow at her for a second before I realize what she's talking about. Of course she thinks that I still feel ill because of that concussion. I don't let her see my pained expression but I know that I won't be feeling better for a while because this pain isn't all that physical. No, this pain I'm feeling has been installed inside me for a long time and last night it has been brought back to the surface, putting me on edge, driving me insane.
"I'm off to school," I simply mutter, grabbing my backpack and car keys.
I remember Arya's words so vividly that even just repeating them in my head would render me useless for the rest of the day. If I let these words get to me any more, I won't be able to stop myself from self destruction and that surely wouldn't be pretty.
All these years, I have learned to keep my private life to myself. For a damn good reason. The only person that I somewhat let into my life is Brice and I kind of fucked it up with him now. And then Arya comes along. She just came into my life and found out things about me that no one knows and she's using it against me. I should have known better... I should have just ignored her from the beginning instead of even giving her the chance to get a view into my life. But then... there's just something...
I don't finish that thought as I pull into the school's parking lot. By now, I can feel the repercussions of my sleepless night as my eyelids are getting droopy and I curse myself for not being able to get any rest at all. It was my own fault for letting Arya get to me. Fucking stupid.
I unbuckle my seat belt and slide out of my car. Immediately I can feel eyes on me. I clearly looked like a mess as I hadn't bothered to do any damage control this morning. Hence I probably look the way I feel; like shit.
Today I could not care less.
When I reach my locker after what feels like an eternity, I feel like I am about to pass out from exhaustion. A long yawn ripples through me and I steady myself against the locker. The alluring thought of taking a nap in my car creeps up but I quickly shove it to the back of my mind. I have something to prove to my parents. I can not miss class. I can't lose soccer. I just can't. That's literally the only thing I have to work towards now. The only thing that's keeping me sane.
The first few classes pass in an uneventful blur. Only when I drag myself through the hallways towards my Ms Crones' class with my head hanging low and eyes closing slightly, I start to feel mania take over. Miraculously, I get to the class room without causing mayhem and drop down in the first free seat that I can find.
Arya is not here. That's the first thing I notice. Relief fills me and sit back in my seat, letting my head lull forwards. For once I really don't want to deal with her. I don't want to tease her, watch her get frustrated with me or have her blushing at whatever insult I throw at her. I just don't want to be anywhere near her and her judging eyes.
Of course instead of her judging states, I feel those of my classmates burning holes into the back of my head.
It's like people sense weakness in me the second I really can't deal with it. The second I actually need people to have my back, they turn on me.
Or maybe I'm just being paranoid.
"It's a good thing that Mr Smith is paying attention to my class today." Ms Crones suddenly appears in front of me. Her face is too close to mine and I scoot back a little as she eyes me with a somewhat curious smile on her face. "You know, when you started appearing in my class on time, I thought you were going to make progress but this is not going to work out. Please come see me after class has finished."
She doesn't give me a chance to protest but turns her back on me instead and leaves me to groan and put my face back on my desk. I hadn't even noticed class starting and now this. How do I manage to get myself into trouble without noticing? How do I manage to fuck everything up when everything I want is to be left alone?!
It's not that I am not trying to pay attention but I seem to be missing the math gene and none of this makes sense to me. Usually I would glance over Arya's notes and see how she's solving the problems but now that she's not here, I feel extremely lost.
Fortunately the bell rings after a few more painfully boring minutes and I watch as students shuffle out of the class room. Each of them sends me a curious look. Some of them seem to be sympathetic, some of the judgmental. I pretend not to care and make my way over to Ms Crones' desk. She straightens up in her seat and waves her hand at me to sit back down. Great. This is going to take a while.
"Seth, what is going on with you? I really thought you were making progress," she argues and I get the feeling that she's trying to play the role of a guidance councilor instead of confronting me because of my school work. She's trying to break down Seth, the jock. The popular kid. She's obviously delusional if she thinks I'm actually going to talk to her.
"Nothing's wrong with me," I spit through clenched teeth, not caring about how it sounds.
"Watch your tone," she orders and I roll my eyes at her. "Seth, I am only worried about you. I know about your situation in this place and I know that you need good grades or else you will be thrown off the soccer team. And that's not even going to be the worst case scenario if you keep going like this. You can and will be expelled if you don't clean up your act all together."
Once again I roll my eyes at the middle aged woman and lean forward cockily, "You know full well that that's not going to happen. Mr Stark may be the principal of this place but he's a pussy. He would never expel his star player."
"Don't be so sure of yourself." Her voice sounds threatening and that's when I decide I have had enough.
"But I am." I get out of my seat and walk up to her desk, leaning forward. "I am incredibly sure of myself."
End of conversation.
Next class has already started and I didn't get a slip for being late which means that I'll either have to go back to get a slip or talk myself out of detention. Both of which make a trip to hell seem pleasant. I clench my jaw and turn on my heel, stalking back into the class room. Ms Crones is already holding up the slip for me and I sigh, snatching it out of her hand. At least she didn't make me ask for it. My day is already bad enough.
I care less about getting to my next class and don't pay attention to where I am walking. And of course, the second I stop paying attention, I run into someone. Knowing my luck, it is probably someone I really do not want to talk to right now.
"Sorry." I mutter, surprising myself. I try to walk away but I earn a mocking laugh from the person and of course I recognize the voice.
"Well don't you just look peachy?" I lift my head up to see that Ethan guy, obviously trying to get a rise out of me but at a second look, he doesn't look that great either. His lower lip has a cut on it and it looks like he barely cleaned it up. He has dark circles under his eyes and I am pretty sure he is still wearing last night's clothes.
"Right back at you." Instead of willingly trying to fight him, I just turn and walk away from him. This is definitely not what I want to do. No, I want to bash his face him. I want to make sure that he feels just as miserable as I do because I know that Arya probably wouldn't have said anything to me if he hadn't been with her. He's a bad influence.
"Hey. Wait up, pretty boy!" Before I know it, Ethan is by my side again.
"Pretty boy? Are we developing a crush? Sorry, I don't swing that way." Ethan's face scrunches up for a split second before he snorts.
"Shut up, Smith. What's got you so snappy? Haven't got your daily dose of Arya yet," he mocks and I stop dead in my tracks.
"What makes you think that--"
"Oh stop the fucking act, Seth." Ethan crosses his arms in front of his chest and I feel my hands ball up to fists. "We both know that you're into her. If you're willing to admit it or not. She might be a bit dense and even a little afraid of you but I am not. I know full well what's going on."
"You don't know shit," I almost yell but try to keep my voice low as I step towards him, now completely irritated. The only thing I feel for Arya is utter disgust and I make sure to let her know about that.
"Oh, don't I? You really think nobody notices the way you act around her?" Ethan chuckles and my knuckles crack as I clench my fists painfully right. "The way you sneak glances at her. The way you tense up when she speaks... and I bet you'd like to know what confirmed the suspicion after just one day of really knowing you two. The look on your face when she talked back to you last night and the condition you are in right now, Seth." The smug look on his face drives me even more insane than I already thought I was. He is reading into things that clearly aren't there. I have no feelings for Arya and will never feel any more than hatred towards her. Especially after what happened last night.
I just run a palm across my face in an effort to ignore Ethan but he doesn't stop there.
"Don't you care at all what we did last night? On our date."
At that moment, my ears seem to perk up involuntarily and I feel myself awaken a little.
I do want to know what they did. Fuck.
"No, Ethan. I really do not care what the two of you did!" The lie rolls off my tongue easily. "The only thing I care about right now is how I can get through school without punching someone or something. Obviously you're not up for debate as you look like you already got your fair share of being someone's punching bag."
I nod towards his lip and he chuckles humorlessly.
"Oh yeah, my little accessory I got... from Sam. He didn't seem very happy with me when I--"
"I really don't care!" I take a deep breath before leaving Ethan behind.
My whole body is trembling when I enter the class room I am supposed to be in. The teacher gives me a disapproving look but I just slap the slip onto his desk and take a seat in the back. He continues his lesson, ignoring me and letting me get away with this.
I still can't really comprehend what happened and if this is how Tuesday starts, I can only imagine how it's going to continue...
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