The next few days did nothing to lighten my dark mood. My mother had been extra clingy, calling me more often than usual. It only put me under more strain because I was unable to give her what she wanted from me.

Couldn't she understand that years of neglect couldn't be wiped away with a couple of years of sobriety and love? She told me she loved me often enough but, with her actions, I didn't feel it. I'd spent most of my life feeling unloved and unwanted. Maybe I wouldn't be so screwed up if at least my father had played some part in my life. But I had been an unwanted mistake.

I was on my way into class when a girl I knew from one of my classes approached me and asked if I had some study notes.

It was a ploy to talk to me but I played along. Besides, I needed a distraction from the ongoing torment of my life and the blond girl who had been plaguing my thoughts constantly. She had made me question my actions.

I leaned against the wall as the girl fluttered her eyes and smiled at me sheepishly, loving the attention I was getting. It was feeding my ego and after my upheaval of emotions over the last two weeks I needed it.

It was one of the reasons I loved sex. It was a purely physical act for gratification. There were no emotions to mar or confuse it. Just skin against skin, one body against another. The rush and for a few moments an ecstasy that superseded any other emotion or physical reaction. I could understand why people wrestled with sex like a drug addiction. You took drugs for the rush, it was the same with sex.

Something pulled my attention from the girl and my eyes meshed with familiar blue ones. My immediate reaction was a stutter in my breathing. She still had a way of affecting me with just a look. No other girl had ever been able to do that. Then my insides twisted when I saw the guy standing beside her.

He looked like the type of guy she deserved. No tattoos, piercings, well dressed with a bright future ahead of him, possibly taking over a family business. The preppy type, who drove the right car and could give her everything I couldn't. Yeah, I had money but I couldn't give her dating or feelings. My future was uncertain.

She blushed, reacting to the boldness of my stare. She was the first one to look away, focusing her attention back on the preppy guy. It only reinforced what I already knew, he was better suited for her than I was. It should have confirmed any doubts I had wrestled with before, but it only made my chest ache with that same feeling I'd experienced when my mother had reached for the bottle, turning her attention away from me. I tensed my jaw as I worked through the feeling, being careful not to show it.

I should have looked away but I couldn't drag my eyes from her as she walked past. Maybe I was hoping she would look back at me, but she didn't.

"You want to go to a movie sometime?" the guy asked her. I waited for her to answer even though my attention was back on the girl still trying to chat me up.

"Yeah, that sounds nice," she answered lightly.

It wasn't unexpected but the sharp pain that ran through me was. I had no idea what I was feeling but I didn't like it one bit. That was the thing. With her I felt way too much and I needed to find a way to stop it.

He was the right guy for her but knowing she was going to go out with him messed me up in a way I struggled to handle.

Packing up and moving somewhere else held a lot of appeal at that moment. It was the only way to ensure I never set eyes on her again. But I liked the area and I had settled in nicely with Slater. I couldn't just up and leave. And how would I explain that to Slater? I had to figure it out and deal with it. I was no coward and there had to be a way to fix the unsettledness she had created in me.

They disappeared into their classroom and I was left with the girl frowning at me.

"You okay?" she asked, stating the obvious fact that I had been unable to keep my emotions guarded.

"Yeah, but I think we might be late for class."

We made it into class just as the lecturer was about to start. He glared at us above his glasses on the bridge of his nose and we took our seats.

I couldn't remember what he had said the entire class. My mind had been focused on Taylor and the guy she had agreed to go out with.

The following few days I was determined to prove I didn't care what she did. She was an adult and she could do what she liked. It had nothing to do with me. She saw me talking up another girl but I had refused to allow myself to look in her direction. I was sending a clear message that I was unaffected by her.

When Friday finally arrived I was looking forward to putting any complicated thoughts of Taylor behind me and let loose. It was time to get back to the guy I had been before. I would find a beautiful willing girl to help me unwind for a few hours. Maybe that was why I was so worked up about Taylor? I'd never gone this long without sex.

The party was just starting when Slater walked in with some more beer.

"I invited that girl," he said as he put the six-pack on the counter.

"Which girl?" I asked.

"The one who came around the other day—Taylor."

I frowned. I was looking forward to a Taylor-free evening and now I was annoyed that I would have to keep up my guard again.

"Why did you do that?" I asked, unable to hide my irritation.

Slater studied me as he straightened up. "Is there a reason I shouldn't have?"

I shook my head. I wasn't getting pulled into a conversation I was far from ready to have.

"No."

While the party started to get busier I drank a beer, telling myself there was a chance she wouldn't even make it and I was getting all wound up for nothing.

Relax and have fun, I told myself. I wasn't going to let her ruin my night.

I was eating those words a few hours later. I couldn't take my eyes off her no matter how hard I tried. She was dressed in a skirt and a fitted top. She looked hot but that wasn't the reason my attention was glued to her.

She was drunk. The unsteadiness of her feet and the glowing smile on her face was a dead giveaway that she'd had a few drinks already.

Slater was dancing beside her and I wasn't happy about it at all. Once I had a girl I didn't care who had my seconds but this time was different. I saw the way other guys looked her up and down with a hunger I shared.

Damn it! My control was slipping and I didn't know how much longer I could hold on. My anger simmered beneath the surface. My night was getting worse with every minute that passed.

Why couldn't she go off and find someone nice to lose her virginity to? But she was gazing up at my best friend. Slater treated girls the same way I did. I had already decided I wasn't good enough for her and there was no way in hell he was. In some ways he was more messed up than me.

The moment he leaned closer to say something, I broke. Before I even realized what I was doing I was headed toward them. I caught her wrist and she looked at me with surprise. I focused all my anger in a glare at my best friend.

Slater lifted his hands in mock surrender, understanding that I wasn't finished with this girl.

I pulled her off the dance floor, ignoring the curious looks we were attracting. I led her up to my bedroom.

Inside my room, I let go of her as she entered and closed the door behind me, blocking out the world, leaving us alone. I faced her in time to see her wobble slightly as she sat down on the edge of my bed. Any anger that had only moments been directed at Slater was now solely focused on the tipsy girl staring up at me with confusion.

***********

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