Afterwards, as Ashe lay on his side next her, hearing only the sounds of their breathing as the wind howled outside, Riley traced lazy circles along his shoulder blade. Ashe could almost hear her thinking, seeing her brow furrow as she watched him in the semi-darkness. It almost felt as if an invisible wall had risen between them, and it made him sad.

"I should have given you time to think about it, flower," Ashe said softly. "About my past, and whether it's something you're comfortable with."

"Like you said. It's your past. And as much as I don't know much about it, how it works, or what's involved -" Her words faltered, but Ashe chose not to say the words for her. He wanted to hear her thoughts, all of them. "- if it's now a part of your past, then it should remain there."

Ashe took a deep breath and touched her cheek. How he wished he'd have told her about that part of his life before now, though when he could have done so and how he could have broached it, he had no idea. He hated to admit it, but he'd long moved on from that part of his life.

"Did you like it?" She asked. "Living that lifestyle?"

And there it was, Ashe thought, rolling onto his back and staring at the ceiling. That lifestyle. One could simply call it what it was - BDSM - or at least in his and Catriona's case, dominance and submission. He dominated and she submitted. It was as simple as that, yet just as complicated.

"I'd be lying to you if I said I didn't," he said.

"So you don't like it anymore?"

"No," he replied, his jaw tightening at the memory that rose, when Catriona, in an effort to broaden his experience, decided that pushing past the boundaries they had set within their relationship would entice Ashe deeper into the lifestyle.  Instead it had done the opposite.

"Then what made you stop?" She asked, turning towards him and nestling herself under his arm. It surprised Ashe at first, feeling her snuggle next to him, but it was also one of the things he loved about her, and the very same thing that he did not want the likes of Catriona to use against him.

"When I realized that true control doesn't require whips or chains, nor cause the pain or humiliation of another person, even with their consent," Ashe replied. "In the end, I realized that my needs were quite simple. Underneath it all, I'm just a simple lad, one who prefers the fairy tale castle without its dungeon."

"So basically you quit."

Ashe smiled drily. "More or less, yes, though it's not that simple."

"How can it not be simple? Wasn't it consensual?" Riley asked. Ashe saw the curiosity in her eyes, her need to understand something that he barely gave her time to process before taking her.

"Of course, it has to be, otherwise it's just abuse, a violation of that submissive's rights. But doesn't that apply to the Master as well? If I, as her Master, withdrew my consent to be part of it, shouldn't that be respected, too?"

"I guess," Riley shrugged. "But how did you get involved with her in the first place, Ashe? I mean, you never talk about your life when you first moved to London."

"You never asked."

"I'm asking you now," Riley said, her brow furrowing. "If Catriona is going to cause trouble between us - and I have a feeling she will - then I want to know what she's fighting for, Ashe. I want to know the version of Ashe that she knew." She paused, her gaze intent on him, blue eyes flashing with anger. "So, how did you meet her?"

"Cat was the one who discovered me," Ashe began, weaving his fingers with hers though she resisted at first, before allowing him to rest their hands on his chest as he spoke. "I was eighteen-years old, just a country lad visiting London with his mates - Ben and Lance were there - and we'd gone out to see a play. Cat played Lady Macbeth and afterwards, as we were standing in the theater lobby, deciding where to go next - pub or club - her assistant came outside to invite us backstage. She then told me that she'd seen me in the audience, and she thought I was beautiful."

Ashe chuckled drily. "I won't deny that I was very flattered. I was very impressionable then, and it was through her contacts that I got my first job as a model a year later. My parents didn't want me to go to London but Hazel had just been disgnosed with leukemia and I thought that being a model would bring some extra money for her treatments, extra expediters that I knew would weigh on my parents. It wasn't much but it helped and Hazel was cancer free for almost five years. Two years after I started modeling, I decided to be an actor, which meant I had to go to school. Models don't usually get any respect when they decide to go into acting. You're just another pretty face, and nothing more. I was more well-known for my looks more than anything else, but I wanted to be more. So I went to RADA and I used the money I'd earned from modeling to pay for that first year."

He folded his arm behind his head, pulling Riley closer to him as she rested her chin on his chest. "But a modeling schedule and school don't go together and so I had to quit school. Hazel was still going through her treatments then. It was Cat's suggestion that she pay for the remainder of my training."

Ashe saw Riley frown as he continued. "Knowing that I wasn't going to accept any money from her just because we were seeing each other, we drafted a legal contract, which stipulated that while she paid for the last two years of my schooling, I'd repay her within a year after I earned my degree."

"How long were you together?"

"Five years - though she didn't introduce me to the lifestyle till two years in.  Before that, we were what you call, vanilla. Or at least I was. I had my nights at the pubs with my mates, and she had hers. Only she went to the fetish club, Club Fet, where she was known as Mistress Cat, and where men paid a fortune to be dominated by her.  She didn't have sex with them - not all domination involves sex.  She merely dominated them, humiliating them, and for that, men paid her a fortune.  I'd never seen anything like it, but it wasn't for me - being dominated," Ashe said, frowning. "Anyway, after I graduated and started working with the RSC, I paid her using money I'd made from my first theater run - and a loan from the bank. It was our agreement after all."

For a few moments, he stopped speaking, a frown creasing his brow.

"What happened then?" Riley asked.

"By then, I'd already left her - and the lifestyle - for about a year and I was in the midst of writing my screenplay for Besties, my first feature," Ashe said. "Cat returned the bank check to me and on the endorsement line, she wrote, Come back to me. So I paid her in cash. She then donated the money to the school - under my name." Ashe's face grew hard, pained almost. "She said that I belonged to her, and that she wouldn't let me get away from her that easily. She reminded me that although she had switched for me by becoming my submissive, she was a dominatrix first."

He exhaled. "And that's when I decided it was time to tackle Hollywood, even if I had to start from the bottom to do it. And I've been running away from my past ever since."

"That contract?" Riley asked. "Do you still have it?"

"Of course," Ashe replied. "It's the only thing that proves that we had reached an agreement - a legal one - that stipulated that while she pay for my school fees, I'd pay her back, with interest. The agreement alone is three pages long, but even if it stands in court, it means that our life together - that lifestyle - will be brought out in the open. And she knows that I don't want that to come out, not while I'm still building my career."

"She's much older than you, isn't she?" Riley said.

"She's probably about 49 now," Ashe said.

"She was your sugar mommy," Riley said and her tone, Ashe felt, was teasing, though he picked up a note of accusation as well.

"So?" Ashe asked, frowning as he lifted his head from the pillow to look at her. "Am I to end up in hell because she was much older and that she paid for part of my training? Or do I belong in hell anyway because I dared dabble in the lifestyle and believe I could walk away from it like it was nothing?"

"Is that why you are the way you are? So cautious? So controlled? So restrained in your emotions - at least, outside of us?" Riley asked.

"What do you think, Riley?" Ashe asked. "People who live that lifestyle are judged quickly, harshly even, to the point of ridicule. It doesn't matter that you may have dabbled in it. What matters is that you did."

"Are you worried that it can affect your career?"

Ashe took a deep breath. "I used to, but I'm a grown man, and whatever it is I've done in my life before I met you, I need to be accountable for it, even if it's something that I'm no longer proud of," Ashe said. "But my worst fear was that you'd find out from someone else."

"We all have our secrets, Ashe," Riley said. "Still, it would have been nice to know them before tonight."

"Aye," Ashe said, suddenly feeling tired. "It would have. But I'm afraid I've been preoccupied with other things Riley, and I apologize."

As he said the words, Ashe realized he'd yet to give her that last present, her mother's picture book. But the perfect evening he'd planned so far had unravelled the moment Catriona called his name in the restaurant.

"Would you really have let me walk out that door tonight?" Riley asked.

"Ideally, no," he replied. "But I also can't stop you from doing something you really want to do. And you have good reason for doing it, Riley."

"Ashe, that's not true -"

"I am what I am, Riley," he said quietly. "I've made my mistakes, and I've done what I can to make up for them and move on. I try to live my life the way my parents live their life, though mine is obviously more complicated than theirs. And then there's you."

"What about me?"

"For five years after Cat, I was afraid to fall for anyone," he said. "I used whatever excuse to not fall in love, even my sister's illness. I used work to distract myself from how lonely I really was, and it worked - for awhile. As long as I didn't let anyone come too close, I was fine. Even Isobel proved to just be a distraction from my sister's illness, and a career move that benefited us both. But that's not the way it is anymore, Riley - not with you."

"I've fallen in love with you, Riley. You know I'd do anything for you."  He turned to look her. "But I also want you to do what you feel is right - for you.  And if it means walking away from me, then walk away now while you still can."

"Is it really that bad - this thing with Catriona?" She asked, frowning. She let Catriona's name roll of her tongue slowly, pronouncing every syllable. Cat-ri-yo-na.

"You nearly walked out on me at the mere idea of BDSM, Riley," Ashe said, arching an eyebrow as he remembered how she'd gathered her purse and made her way to the front door. "You've discovered your limit without realizing it. How much more if that idea of what I used to be becomes real? If Cat decides to bring my past out in the open, can you handle that?"

Riley took a few moments to answer, but Ashe saw her brow furrow, anger flashing in her eyes as she disengaged her fingers from his and sat up.  "Wait just one minute!  Are you implying that should Catriona-fucking-Marks want you back, I'm letting you go without a fight?"

Ashe sat up to face her, something about the look on her face inflaming him. She didn't even bother covering herself, like she always did, and her boldness surprised him.

"Are you?"

"The hell I am," Riley retorted. "I might be vanilla, Ashe, but I sure as hell am not a quitter. If I ever do leave you, I'll do it only when I know what exactly it is I'm leaving behind, and that includes your past and everything about it. But not before then. And certainly not because of what you used to be or what used to turn you on."

"And what if it still does?" Ashe asked slowly. "What then, Riley?"

"Then I'll just have to find out for myself if that's what I want, too, won't I? Because I sure as hell am not about to let you or that woman decide for me whether I'm leaving you or not," Riley said, her blue eyes flashing angrily. "Unless that's what you want, Ashe. And is that what you want?"

Ashe stared at her, surprised by her response - and incredibly turned on. She must have noticed the way his body responded, for her hand moved under the covers and found him, hot and hard.

"You know that's not what I want," Ashe whispered, drawing a deep intake of breath as she squeezed her hand around him, stroking him. "You're all I've ever wanted, Riley. No one else," he said as Riley moved towards him, pushing him back down on the bed with her other hand. 

"I know," she murmured as she straddled his hips, lowering her face towards his, her lips brushing against his mouth. "But enough of that. Right now, it's not what you want that matters to me. It's what I want."

"And what exactly do you want?" Ashe asked, his voice catching as he felt her guiding herself above him and slowly sliding down. He gasped as he filled her.

"You," Riley replied, resting her hands on his chest as she took charge of every movement of her hips against his, driving Ashe mad with want. "All of you."