She's absolutely beautiful, and I want her.

I have always loved her.

But... I know now that I screwed it up.

I screwed everything up.

I thought for a second that maybe it was okay to be who I was.

I thought that maybe I could stop hiding in the shadows and finally step out of the hole I've been hiding in for the past three years.

But... no. I can't.

My name is Charlotte Mitchell, and this is my story.

It all started in sixth grade. My friends Cheyanne, Caroline, and Leslie were all crushing on Thomas Jones, a boy in my language arts class. He was everybody's crush. He was the hot bad boy player you always hear about.

One day, we were at lunch, and they were talking about how hot he was. Well, of course, he just happened to walk by and heard them.

What he said was, "Charlotte's the prettiest one out of you four."

The girls were freaking out. They were sad that he hadn't chosen them, but they were super happy for me.

Needless to say, they were more happy than I was.

I didn't see what was so special about this Thomas guy. I swear he'd dated almost half the girls in the grade, and I knew that even if we did get together, it wouldn't mean anything to him.

I had my eyes on someone else.

This someone was special, beautiful, and sweet. This person was one I loved hanging out with, and she meant a lot to me.

This person was Caroline White.

I knew I loved her, but I didn't know how to deal with it. I was unlike any other girl at the school, or so I thought. Every day, I would go home and cry.

"You're a coward," I would tell myself in the mirror. "She's your best friend. Just ask her out!"

The rest of sixth grade and the entire seventh grade year, I would pretend I was into a guy. I read on the Internet that most girls my age liked a different guy every week. I didn't want to be too obvious, so every two weeks, I would change my "crush." One time, it was James. Another time, it was Rick. So on and so forth. Also, I became closer with a new girl named Amy. She was really nice, and she's my best friend today.

Finally, in eighth grade, I decided it was time to change something, no matter how scary it would be. I invited Caroline over for a sleepover. Just Caroline, and nobody else. Days before the sleepover, I would have panic attacks. My mom got worried, but I assured her I was stressed about our upcoming test in Algebra.

Caroline came over on a Saturday night. I smiled and hugged her when she came, just like always. I took her to my room and she dropped off her stuff, just like always. We painted each other's toenails, just like always.

But I was terrified.

I decided that it was time to make a move when we sat on my bed, trying to decide what to do next. I breathed in and out quickly, and Caroline noticed.

"Are you okay?" she'd asked in her sweet voice.

At that point, I couldn't hold it back any longer. All the love and all the feelings I'd felt towards her since sixth grade came bursting out like a storm.

As quickly as I could, I held her neck with one hand and put the other around her waist.

And I kissed her.

Caroline had no idea how to react at first, but after a few seconds, she pulled back.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" Caroline had screamed.

"I love you, Caroline," I'd replied. "I always have."

"But... you're not a lesbian! You have crushes on boys!" Caroline had exclaimed, glaring at me and scooting as far away as possible.

"I made those up, but I've always been into you."

The rest of it cannot be directly quoted.

Caroline had jumped off the bed and ran out of my room. I'd chased her, but she opened the door and went outside. I had hurried after her.

Once I finally got her to speak, she told me that I should be ashamed of myself. She told me I was a terrible person. She told me it was a sin to love people of the same gender. She told me I shouldn't have ever been born.

Worst of all, she told me she'd never even liked me much as a friend.

Caroline White broke my heart.

I stayed home from school for the next week. I told my mom I was sick. And I did get sick multiple times because I was so worried about seeing Caroline at school again. She was in my Algebra class, and there's no way I could avoid her since we sat at the same table.

So, I took matters into my own hands. I e-mailed my teacher and told her to separate us because Caroline was too much of a distraction.

Through all that make-up work, I realized something.

Caroline was right.

I'm a freak.

Which brings me to now...

It's currently Sunday. My mom is making me go to school tomorrow. I haven't seen Caroline since last Saturday. None of the girls are responding to my texts except Amy. This is how she became my best friend.

But what am I going to do now?