"I live in my own little world. But it is okay, they know me here."

A quote that I had grew to love in years.

A quote that defined my life.

Just that, that little world is so little that it comprises of five people; my family alone.

But I was another personality at home; accepted, confident, unreserved.

The absence of the heavy chunk that was always there whenever I stepped a foot outside our home made me lay my head on my mother's lap comfortably as we both watched my cousins practice a dancestep they called 'poco lee'. It looked as if they were trying to rupture their legs more than dance.

To distract myself from the dance that seemed painful, I let my eyes wander around them until it got stuck at their face. I couldn't help but acknowledge the striking resemblance between them and my mother, again. For Christ sake, they were my cousin!

What struck me more was the fact that looked not an inch like her at their arrival. Now, neighbors that witnessed their arrival swore that they were her biological daughters. It didn't help that my mother tried to instill the same character and also gave the same amount of attention to us all. She always beamed when she overheard the confusion in the arguments concerning our natility.

"Will you two just sit down and not tear my carpet in the name of dancing?" My mother eyed them.

"Fools." I muttered under my breath.

"Just like you." Mary, the older one returned as they both sat down.

"So how was your first day in a university?" My mother asked me again.

She had asked me earlier but I ignored it. I wasn't ready to tell anyone about what happened today, and mostly not about my insecurities.

I couldn't let them all know I was a weakling outside the house.

But I suspected my mother has hints of it.

...because she is my mother and she knows everything.

"Mum, tell Idera it's a bad habit to just go blank when being talked to. " Mary pinpointed and my mother nodded in agreement.

"Perhaps, it's because of the cliche question mum asked," Susan chimed in, " it turns me off too."

"Why?" My mother asked.

"Thanks for asking." She answered quickly, " Well that's because cliched terms lack effects..."

"Okay!" we all chorused to stop her.

She always had long educational talks about everything in her head and only waits for an audience to tick off her bomb.

"So answer the question then since you don't want to be saved." Susan frowned at me.

"I wasn't avoiding the question before, I just had more important things to worry about." I answered.

"And what would that be, Tinker Bell?" Mary asked with an irritating mischief written all over her face.

"Can you just shut the fuck up, Mrs Observer?" I said sitting up.

"Idera!" My mother glared at me. "What is wrong with you?"

"Maami, how would I pay my school fees?" I returned. "That, is what is bothering me!" I glared back, though not so sternly.

My was taken aback for some seconds, then she said, "That's for me and your father to worry about."

"Let's not pretend like you have it. You don't have anything to sell again like those times because the only things of importance we have in this room is a wornout sofa and a mattress. And everything won't even be up to ten thousand if sold." I ranted, then watch her nod repeatedly before looking away from me.

"So in short, where will you get the money?" I concluded.

"When your father comes back_"

"Maami, don't! Don't tell me that. Father doesn't have. They sent him away from the factory because he was owing a lot of people, the factory only gave him back the job with the promise that he will pay them back in three months, and I am telling you, that is a very big amount for such time. Don't even think of telling him to go borrow." I stated.

"Why do I feel like you have a backup plan?" Susan asked, "because this level of your pessimistictism, eh..." she chuckled dryly.

"Maybe I should just stay back at home." I blurted.

Eyes popped from sockets when they must have registered what I said.

"What did you say?" Mary said while shaking with laughter.

Her laughter was irritating to me, I didn't know what was funny to her. I shot her a glare and she went mute immediately.

My new decision was mainly as a result of the humiliation I suffered at the later part of today.

Just like I had expected, everything was a disaster.

Singing to a bunch of degrading students was a disaster!

My voice wasn't that good, but it was at least, friendly with the ears. The voice was even of no use because it was stuck in my throat when my turn to sing came, and that was after the songs I knew automatically disappeared from my brain and I had to steal a song some girls were talking about.

When I finally got it out, it was so shaky and croaky and I knew I was sounding like a faulty radio. I succeeded in giving myself a well packaged embarrassment galore as students were rolling with laughter.

The worst part was that this would be my life for the next six months.

Going to a university was one of my great dreams and hope of delivering me from this suffocating personality of mine, but if it involved six months of this sort of torture, I would rather give up the dream.

"Try to understand me, there's no one to help us." I explained further, "it's not only about the school fees alone, my accommodation, handouts and many more expenses. Yes, it is a federal university, but it takes money. And that money is above us."

I wasn't lying about that. I have been to a University now, and I saw what people wore, what they ate, how they spent. It required money.

"I.D" Mary cooed. A nickname she coined from my name.

" I.D," she started, " Have you forgotten your promises already?" She asked and my face went blank.

Jargons loading...

"You made a lot of promises. And one of them was you completing your education, so you can get a job and eradicate this poverty that is consuming us. When you said it, I believed you. We believed you." She pointed at Maami, Susan and herself.  "We are doing everything we can to support you, and we won't stop. You musn't let us down because we greatly believe in you.

I will be collecting my two months salary from my boss very soon, that would help a little bit." Mary poured out.

Okay, it wasn't jargon but it is still my decision to make.

" You want that money for your UTME, you gave up your last one so I could register for mine. You also have a life to live, you can also be that person that will eradicate poverty in our lives. You have done enough already." I informed.

"And that's why I can't stop, all those efforts would be for nothing." Mary yelled.

Oh God! This shit is getting intense.

"No, I don't want it." I declared, trying not to give in to the threatening waver.

"Idera," my mother called out gently and inched closer to me, "I was and is still jobless, your father was jobless, and how we survived through those times is still a mystery. We've had so much challenges that have claimed the lives of others, but we always overcame. It is a sign that God has not forsaken us, and he won't.

In the meantime, why don't you leave the worries for God, your father and me? Don't forget that Proverbs 12:25 says 'Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.' Also, 1st Peter 5:7 says 'Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.' How about that?"

" Maami, God that left us to suffer for a very lon_"

"Shut up." My mother interrupted, placing a finger on my lips. "You are just frustrated. I don't know the reason for your frustrations, but I know you are frustrated."

Maybe.

"How about you rest, and tell your worries you are bigger than them." She whispered softly in my ear.

I looked at all their faces before nodding, their faces already told me that I couldn't win the battle.

I moved away from my mother and faced the other side of the bed. After some seconds, I heard their slowly exiting footsteps.

Now I had to think everything over.

I had a mother that tried her best to keep me happy despite her worries, she was my safe zone. I had cousins that sacrificed their happiness for me, I had a father that immersed himself in debts to satisfy me.

Most importantly, they made me experienced what being accepted means, what being loved and wanted felt like. That was the best gift I have ever received so far in my life.

And all these people were all counting on me.

And there was the expense of my life. They weren't considering my happiness first. Am I supposed to sacrifice myself to fulfill their dreams?

Oh, shut up.

They weren't asking for too much, I was just being dramatic.

I can make it.

I would grant them their wishes.

Which is also my dream.