I had lost a big chunk of myself throughout the last few months. With Luke being gone and then Luke coming back, things had seemed to spiral completely out of order and completely out of my control. One moment, I was completely dependant on the blond I had loved for as long as I could remember. And then all of a sudden I was an independent person who wanted to do things for myself. Alternating between the two was tiring and honestly something I wished would just stop. I wish I could just pull the plug on everything I had ever felt towards Luke and move on with my life. But then I'd look into those ocean blue eyes and hope he would move on with his life after Ale and just fall in love with me instead. It was a never ending cycle and I was sick of it.

I had been sitting on my childhood bed for the past five days, getting up only to eat and shower. I had lost the will to go outside and do stuff, to face Luke and tell him everything that was wrong and everything that I felt. Even when Mum came into my room the night before yesterday telling me that Luke was back in the hospital, I did nothing about it. I told her I had no strength whatsoever to get out of bed and go see him. I told her I couldn't deal with it and I wouldn't deal with it. Not because I didn't care for Luke, but because I had to care for myself more. I spent the rest of the night awake wondering what had been going wrong and the same question persisted, up until now. I had been sat looking out of the window at the familiar view for the past forty minutes, trying to come up with a way to cheer myself up and get me back on my feet. Walking away from Luke never felt so numb as it did at that moment. 

I closed my eyes as I heard a knock on the door. I expected it to be my mother, telling me to come down for lunch or something of the sorts, but I was surprised to see the lot of brown hair that peeped into my room, followed by the squint brown eyes of my former Kiwi roommate. Calum seemed the same, Ashton seemed the same. They had split up and maintained their friendship and living agreement and everything was fine between them. Why was it that things between Luke and I weren't fine? Why was it that Luke and I hadn't remained the same? Calum smiled; not the awfully fake smile he had been sporting for the past while but a normal smile. One he would flash me whenever I got back home from work or Uni. One he would flash when Ashton announced he had ordered pizza and rented a movie for the three of us to watch together. It wasn't a bright smile like the one he would flash when Ashton told Calum he was beautiful; it was an okay smile and at that moment, even okay was enough for me.

"Hey you." Calum murmured, sliding into my room with one arm behind his back before he closed the door gently. "Long time no see."

"Yeah," I sighed heavily, pulling my knees up to my chest as I wrapped my arms around them. That was how I would usually sit when I felt vulnerable. That had soon become what I liked to call the Luke position. Because somehow, whenever thinking of Luke, that was always the position I'd end up in. "Sorry about the missed calls and everything, I just wasn't feeling too good."

Calum clicked his tongue, plopping down on my bed with a half smile as he pat my knee with his free hand. I could see he was holding something in his other hand, but the rest of Calum's body blocked the view just enough so I couldn't make out what it was that he was holding so secretively. 

"I get it." He nodded, eyes meeting mine and I could tell he was being sincere. "I wish I could give you one of your comforting speeches but I'm afraid I'm not as good with words as you are." I snorted and Calum seemed to smile softly at that. "But I just want you to know it's okay to be upset, and I'm here if you need anything. You've been there for me even when things got bad with Ash, I owe you so much."

"You don't owe me anything." I shrugged. "Friendship doesn't require payback. I'm there for you because I care for you, not because I expect you to do the same for me." I could see Calum visibly slump as he shook his head, eyes flickering closed.

"It takes two to tango, Michael." He said almost playfully. The expression wasn't quite suited, but I knew what he meant. "A one-sided friendship is not really a friendship. You deserve better. I'm here for you because I care for you. But your support has not gone unnoticed, and it was highly appreciated. That's what friendship is supposed to be like, for future references." 

I could notice the hints seeping through Calum's words and for once, I felt so small next to him. It had been years of knowing Calum, in which he had barely even seen the way things worked between Luke and me, but it was rather shameful to see how he noticed things were wrong before even I did. I felt stupid and blind and everything in between. Calum didn't seem judgemental, however. He was genuinely being a friend: supporting me instead of judging me. For once, I felt like I had a real friend in him.

"Anyways," He sighed. "Luke's in the hospital, as I'm guessing you already know." I nodded. "I went to see him today and he gave me this." He lifted his hidden arm, revealing the same journal Luke and I had found in his old apartment in Melbourne. "He said it was really important to him that you read what was in here. You and no one else."

I nodded, taking the journal from Calum's hands ever so hesitantly before the Kiwi stood up with a small sigh. He turned to me, smiling encouragingly before heading towards the door again. He didn't say anything other than a quick 'see you soon' before exiting, leaving me once again alone with my thoughts and now Ale's messy handwriting inked onto a journal. My heart was thumping in my chest but my hands were already reaching over to open the book. As I flickered through it, I noticed there wasn't much written in it, but it seemed to be just about enough to have something important that Luke wanted no one else to read but me. I pushed myself to open it on the first page and read through the words. It started:

Dear Luke,

I know that by the time you get your hands on this journal, I will be gone. I know you well enough to know that, at first, you will not be reading this. You will have it next to your bed for the next six months or so, wondering when will be the right time to open it. I also know that, by the time you read this, you will be with Michael again. Let's face it, this whole soulmate thing is nothing more than a big fat lie. Okay, maybe it's not, for I love you so dearly that nothing could ever make me stop. But I also know that even in a world of soulmates, this is not the most important thing. I see it in the way Michael looks at you, and it pains me to say I see it in the way you look at him too.

Maybe your love for each other is not the same. If it were, you wouldn't be moving to Melbourne with me. But I know that Michael will always be your number one person, even though you try your hardest to conceal it and make it seem like it is me. You dreamt so long about your soulmate, about finding that one person with the same tattoo as you only to be face with the disappointment that I didn't make you feel the same way Michael does. And that's okay, I don't blame you. But I do think you blame yourself.

In blaming yourself, you have ruined Michael. I saw it, Calum saw it, your parents saw it. Everyone saw it. I doubt that you haven't seen it. But you did it for what you thought was worth more than Michael could ever be: your soulmate. For that, I love you. God, do I love you. But in loving you, I have ruined more than I could ever fix. Not only because it is not my place to fix it, but because I will be dead soon. I have allowed you to ruin your friendship with Michael and I have allowed you to ruin him. Does that mean that I, too, have ruined him? 

I have ruined you, too. By the time you read this, you will be crying. If not, you will cry once you finish. I have kept the biggest secret of my life from you. Because I love you too much or because I love you too little. I could never really decide. Because I love you too much to tell you everything and risk having to let you go, or because I love you too little to let you in on it and therefore, putting you at risk. I know than you will eventually know what is wrong with me. You'll hate me, and God, and fate and everything. Because my disease will take me from you. You will hate everyone and everything because you will realise that leaving Michael behind was not worth it.

And I am so sorry I allowed you to do that knowing I would be gone. I am so sorry I never told you about my HIV and I am so sorry I put you at risk. I am so sorry I allowed you to ruin everything you had built for someone who you barely knew but that was so infatuated with the thought of you. I was so selfish. I know you'll be hating me right now. But I also know you'll be hating yourself. For I was selfish but you were selfish, too. You see it now, don't you?

You see more than you ever have and now is the time for you to fix it with the one person who would never abandon you. Not for someone else, not for anything in this world. I took you away from the one person who held the world in his hands, ready to hand it to you because of my selfish ways. I have ruined myself for not treating my disease, and I have ruined you for not telling you. I have made the mistake of ruining and being ruined, and my one wish is that you don't do the same. Don't ruin him for someone who ruined you.

Fix him. Fix him in the way you would want someone to fix you. Let him fix you. Love him. If there is still any part of you that loves me, that misses me, that doesn't despise me after this confession, use that for Michael. Give him what you cannot give me and let him give you what I am not capable of giving you now. Luke, don't let me be the end of you. You have such kindness in your heart, such beauty in your soul. If I cannot be there to drown in the light of your presence, please let it be Michael who does so. Be it in the way you feel most comfortable with: whether it be loving Michael in the way you loved me or loving Michael in the way you loved him before finding me. But keep him in your life and live every day remembering that fate gave you a second chance with him. Because believe me, Luke, no one in this world deserves you more than Michael.

Love always,

Alessando x

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i was hating this story for a bit. i still am slightly. not the whole story just some bits in general, but i'm happy with the way this is ending and i can't wait for you guys to read the final 3 chapters!!!!