I sighed heavily, closing my eyes as I let my back hit the mattress. I could already picture Ashton rolling his eyes before he even scoffed, meaning he was thinking exactly what I thought he was. I could feel the droplets of transpiration rolling down from my damp hair down the side of my face. My breaths came out short and puffy, attempts to catch my breath and start recomposing myself failed. I felt the other side of the bed dip, meaning Ashton had just fallen down onto the bed with me, also seeming tired. His breaths didn't match mine, but he was also breathing heavily and it was almost like I could feel the heat radiating off his body.

"That was...." I sighed, shaking my head as I ran a hand through my hair. "A lot."

"Michael," Ashton snorted, and even with my eyes closed I could feel him turn over so that he could look up at his bedroom ceiling. The rest of the apartment was quiet, Calum thankfully being away so he had no idea of what was going on. It felt awkward, knowing that we were doing this without Calum even knowing about it. I was starting to feel slightly guilty. "All we did was get my new bed into the room, it wasn't that much work."

I let out a huff, finally opening my eyes so that I could glance at the curly haired blond from the corner of my eye. "I know, but still. I don't usually exercise."

"Well, you should."

"And you should've told Calum you were moving into my room."

Ashton remained silent, eyes avoiding mine in what I could only describe as shame. He bit his lower lip hesitantly, letting one of his hands move from under his head so that he could rub his face out of pure frustration. I couldn't say I knew what Ashton was going through, because honestly, I didn't. But I knew desperation when I saw it and looking at Ashton at that moment made me wish I could go through all of it instead of him. He wouldn't admit it - not to me, and not to anyone else - but he was hurting. He was broken and desperately trying to put all his pieces back together without any help. I wished he'd just ask for help.

"I know." He whispered after a long silence. I could hear the pain in his voice as he spoke, swallowing down a lump in his throat before he continued. "I just couldn't look him in the eye and say we were never going to sleep in the same bed again, you know? We've been together for years and I'm just... It's not because I'm not in love with him that this isn't killing me inside."

"I know." I muttered in response, turning over completely so that I was laying on my side. Ashton did the same, eyes boring into mine for the first time since I walked into my old apartment that had become Calum & Ashton's apartment and was now Calum and Ashton's apartment. Now I knew I couldn't come back to this place, this wasn't my home anymore and it was hard to figure out if the house I shared with Luke felt like home just as much as this apartment once did. Looking into Ashton's eyes, I realised just how much I missed seeing him every day. "And it's understandable; you don't have to be in love with someone to not want them to get hurt. Honestly, you don't even have to know them to want their wellbeing. Don't think you're in the wrong if you're upset over hurting Calum just because you don't feel the same way about him as he does about you."

"How do you do it, Michael?" He asked with a slight frown. "You're just so forgiving and selfless all the time. I fear for you sometimes."

"Why would you fear for me?" I muttered, letting my knees move up almost to my chest so I was curled up like a ball. It was almost like a shield for myself. Ashton was cracking down all the walls and he was bound to see everything soon. I wasn't one to open up, but I was this close to opening up to Ashton completely. I was this close to pour my heart out and make things about me. Me. For once, things would be about me.

Ashton shook his head, letting out a heavy sigh as his eyes fluttered closed almost tiredly. "Because this world is nasty, and you're going to get trampled over by it. I know it's none of my business, really, but I'm not okay with knowing that you'll get hurt by other people. I'm really not okay with it, Michael."

"I don't think you have to fear for me." I smiled softly. I could see the confusion flashing through Ashton's eyes, but while my brain was just screaming at me to tell Ashton everything, my entire body still yelled no. I wasn't sure what it was: if I had spent too much time with Luke or if I had only noticed this about him because I was exactly same, but there I was, keeping my feelings under lock and key.

Neither of us said anything for a while, and I think that was when Ashton realised I wasn't going to speak more of the subject. He cleared his throat, giving me a light slap on the arm as he sat up in bed. "Come on, I think you better go home and get ready before dinner tonight."

I nodded, getting up and preparing myself to leave my old apartment with Ashton standing right behind me. I gave Ashton my farewells and walked down to my car, knowing that once again I had left my best friend completely oblivious to most things that happened in my life. I hated myself for it.

-

My birthday was never an occasion that was celebrated with big parties or dinners or get togethers. It was mainly just Luke and I eating pizza, and once Luke had left to Melbourne, pizza with Calum and Ash. This time, under my own call, my birthday called for a big dinner. Mum, Dad, Liz, Andy, Ben, Jack, Calum, Ashton, Luke and I. Everyone was confused when I first told them about the celebration, I knew they were, but all of them agreed on dinner anyways. It was almost comical seeing how hesitant Luke was being as the two of us got ready to head out to the restaurant.

"I don't know how to act." Luke frowned as we headed to the car. "We've never celebrated your birthday before."

"Just don't think of it as my birthday." I shrugged. "It's just a nice dinner with close friends and family."

Luke didn't say anything as the two of us entered the car, hands instantly finding each other's over the centre console and fingers laced with each others. The more time I spent with Luke, the more it felt like soulmates meant nothing and Luke meant everything. At that point in my life, every second away from Luke made me feel like I could live without him, like I was ready for Greece. Every second with Luke made me feel like there was nothing without him and Greece would be a mistake. I was tired of being torn between the two.

We arrived at the restaurant not too long afterwards, letting our hands fall to our sides as I held the door open for Luke. It was hard to determine what we were: friends? Friends with benefits? I didn't know, and in all honesty, I didn't care. It was simply having Luke around that mattered. I didn't know how I would handle it if I were to go to Greece. Would I fall back into the darkness of Luke's absence or would I shine in the light of my own triumph? I pushed the thought aside as we walked to the table where everyone was already seated, smiling widely as we approached.

The greetings were the same as always: hugs and kisses and bright smiles. Except this time there were the excited 'Happy Birthday Michael!' here and there. All I could do was thank them shyly and move on to the next person. Once that was all done, things fell back into normality and we were all just close friends and family at dinner, like I had hoped it would be. Luke's hand rested on my knee, rubbing it gently every so often as he turned to me and smiled. That made my heart race and my body ignite like fire. Looking at Luke, watching him talk to his brothers and laugh along to whatever was said made me smile softly. Luke was what I always wanted, but Luke was not what I always needed. Greece was what I needed.

I cleared my throat, causing everyone else around the table to turn and look at me. I gulped down nervously, watching as everyone's eyes fell on me curiously. My heart was beating like crazy and I suddenly felt hot. I didn't know what I was doing, my mind had gone completely blank as my eyes met Ashton's across the table, but my mouth opened before I could stop it and the words that escaped my lips surprised me just as much as it surprised everyone else.

"I want to thank you all for coming tonight." I smiled. "I'm glad to be able to spend my birthday with all of you, and I have something I'd like to announce." Everyone frowned slightly, leaning in closer to the table as they waited for my announcement. I turned over to see Luke eyeing me in confusion. Surely he was wondering why I was announcing something I hadn't discussed with him beforehand. I could read that much in Luke's eyes. "I have been offered an internship in Greece with the University." Everyone sat up straight in shock. Ashton's mouth hung open and Calum turned to look at his soulmate in surprise. I felt Luke's hand slip off my leg and Mum and Dad glance at each other with a glint of pride in their eyes. The Hemmings family all turned to look at Luke. I couldn't bear to look at him. "I have accepted the internship and I'll be going to Greece by the end of January." I hadn't. But the words came before I could stop them.

I didn't know what I had expected from saying what I had said. I knew Mum would cry and that Dad would stand up to give me a hug. I knew Ashton would look bummed but assure me it was just because he would miss me a lot. Calum would be excited as hell. The Hemmings would congratulate me and tell me they were proud of me. I knew all of that, and it was no different from what I thought it would be. It was Luke who was unpredictable. It was Luke who I never thought would stand up and sniffle, turning his back and walking out of the restaurant without another word. It was Luke I never expected to hand me the key to the lock on his feelings. The lock was open and the key was broken. Luke's feelings were out and I didn't know where to go from there. Once again, things were no longer about me. They were about Luke.

~~~

me: *hates everything*

5 chapters left, my children