I hadn't slept at all. I spent the entire night listening to the clattering of raindrops on my bedroom window, trying to drown out the giggles and murmurs that came from Calum and Ashton's room. I knew they weren't doing it, because they were usually a lot quieter when they were. I was pretty sure they were watching some sort of Disney movie because I could constantly hear Calum protesting that 'she shouldn't marry a guy she just met.' If I paid attention to that, I knew I would be pulled into a darker place. I knew I'd start to cry and I wouldn't be able to stop because in my heart I knew that was supposed to be Luke and I. I also knew that would never be me, because I had no soulmate and that would no longer be Luke because Alessandro was dead. 

Dead. Gone, suddenly. When he called me up to say he didn't have much time, I didn't think he meant two and a half weeks. I didn't think I'd get a call from Mrs. Hemmings at four in the morning, asking me if I wanted her to get me a plane ticket to Melbourne to be with Luke and attend Alessandro's funeral. I was in such a state of shock, that I instantly said no. I knew she understood, and I could tell she felt bad for me, in a way. I didn't know what it would be like to see Luke again. I didn't want to think about it, I didn't want to imagine it. But I couldn't stop wondering how it'd go since the moment Liz called me again to say Luke was coming home to Perth with her. I never knew that the thought of seeing him again would ever hurt more than the thought of never seeing him for the rest of my life. That was what I had gotten used to, knowing that I would never see him again. And now, once again, everything was different.

I could see my room start to brighten up slightly, clarity seeping in through the closed windows. I couldn't see the sun rising from behind the clouds and for some reason, it felt like the sky was the same as I was. Grey and gloom, raindrops falling from the sky as tears threatened to roll down my cheeks. I pushed myself to keep them in. I couldn't cry for Luke anymore, I promised myself I wouldn't cry for Luke anymore. Moving on had been an illusion and I knew it. It was just hearing about Luke coming back that I was pulled into the same hole I had desperately clawed myself out of when Luke first left. I felt like I was seventeen again, but I didn't know if I knew how to hide those feelings anymore. I hadn't done so in years. Five, to be exact.

I grabbed my phone from the nightstand, seeing it was already ten past seven. The hours felt like minutes. Sitting up in bed, I rubbed my eyes, making sure they weren't glassy from all the tears I was desperately hoping to hold back before deciding to head out for breakfast. I didn't have much money on me, but I couldn't bear to be at home when Calum and Ashton woke up. I wouldn't be able to sit there and watch the two be so madly in love with each other without feeling my heart being ripped to shreds and my soul being crushed to one big nothing. I couldn't deal with it, and I wouldn't force myself to. Not when I was seeing Luke for the first time in five years.

I climbed out of bed, stepping over all the dirty articles of clothing that were scattered around my bedroom floor, sticking a hand inside my messy wardrobe until I pulled out a pair of jeans and a random t-shirt. I quickly pulled them on, deciding on not taking a shower because I knew I'd freeze to death. Getting hot water in our apartment during winter was almost a miracle and I didn't want to have to try my luck. I didn't smell that bad anyways. It wasn't anything a little cologne couldn't fix. Taking a hoodie and pulling it over my head, I headed out of my room, making sure to keep quiet so to not wake my best friends and roommates. Once I was by the front door, I took my shoes and stepped outside, slipping them on as I took my car keys from the pocket of my hoodie. I needed coffee and I needed it soon.

I pulled my hood over my head as I jogged down the stairs to my car, turning the heat on first thing as I sat there, with my hands rubbing against each other in an attempt to keep me warm. I watched as the raindrops splattered over my windshield, plenty at a time. The rain was light, close to a drizzle, but it was enough to make me want to go back inside and lay in bed all day. I didn't want to have to deal with what that morning held in store for me. I did not want to feel the way I did five years ago. But all in all, I was already starting to remember the sickening feeling in my stomach, I was starting to remember the way I had to force myself to smile whenever Luke talked about someone else and how I'd constantly have to pretend to be happy when I was miserable. And it sucked not being able to talk to my best friend about it, because he was the reason for it.

I pulled out of my parking spot, taking the quick drive down to the city where I knew there would be coffee shops open. It was a very early Sunday morning, very few cars littered the highway and even less people walked down the sidewalk. I felt alone, as per usual. It didn't take long before I was parked outside the coffee shop I liked so much, heading inside with my head hanging low as I ordered a large expresso and a chocolate muffin. If I didn't eat, I'd be sick. Taking my order and sitting down by the window, I pulled out my phone from my pocket, checking to see if I had any missed calls. There was only a text message from my mother, from about a minute ago.

From: Mama Bear

Come over to Liz's as soon as you wake up, Luke is here. Miss you Baby Bear xxx

To: Mama Bear

Be there in a few. Miss you too. x

I sighed heavily as I downed the remains of my coffee, ignoring the burning sensation on my tongue and throat before taking a large bite off my muffin. Thinking about Luke made me lose my appetite. It took me a while to force myself to get up and head back to my car, heart already starting to flutter and stomach already doing flips. It was a forty minute drive to Liz's down in the northern suburbs and I hated knowing it'd be another forty minutes of feeling this way. I knew Calum would make me drive down there sometime soon so that he could see Luke too. I couldn't even imagine how that would go and how Luke would react when meeting Ashton. I didn't even know if Luke and Calum were still good friends. I wonder if their friendship deteriorated like ours did.

My mind was reeling. So much that I didn't realise I had arrived at the Hemmings household until I found myself pulling into their driveway. I turned the engine off, gulping down nervously as I could see the light on in Luke's old bedroom. It made me think of all the times I'd climb up there during the night and we'd play with our Pokémon cards, of the times we used to sneak out to watch the sun rise in the park just close by, the summer nights we snuck out to go stargazing. I thought of everything Luke and I did secretly and of all the secrets we shared between us. I still couldn't believe I hadn't told him my biggest secret of all.

"Michael!" I heard my mum's voice, pulling me back to reality as I saw her coming out the front door with Liz right behind her. I got out of the car, giving my mother a tight hug before hugging Liz. I hadn't seen either of them in quite a while. "How are you doing baby?"

"I'm good." I sighed with a quick nod. "How's he doing?"

"Getting by." Liz shook her head with a sad smile. "He wants to see you. Upstairs in his room."

I nodded, giving my mother a quick kiss as I stepped into the house. Andrew, Ben and Jack were sitting in the living room, giving me a wave as I walked past. I was intimate enough with the Hemmings to not have to shake every single one of their hands and for that I was glad. I was shaking like crazy and my palms were sweaty. I had no idea what to expect from this, except that I knew it was going to hurt. But standing by Luke's door made me feel a completely different way. 

He was sitting on his bed, legs open and elbows leaning on his knees. He was tracing his fingers over the scruff on his jaw. Luke looked different. He had lost weight, but at the same time, looked a lot more built. His wide shoulders had become even wider and his blond hair was now styled to the side instead of the tall quiff. From where I was standing, I could see the lip ring on his lower lip as his bright blue eyes trailed over his room. He still hadn't noticed my presence and I used that as my time to analyse him. He was dressed in his usual black jeans and black Converse. At least that hadn't changed. His room hadn't changed either. It was like a wave of nostalgia hitting me right in the face.

"Hey." I breathed. Luke looked up in surprised, jolting up from his bed as he wiped his hands on the back of his jeans.

"Hi." He cleared his throat. We stood in silence for a few seconds as I walked further into the room. I only now realised how much I had grown over the last five years; Luke and I were the same height, whereas in the past he was always a few centimetres ahead. "Your hair is silver. And you didn't come to the funeral."

"I know." I nodded as I bit down on my lower lip. "I'm sorry."

"Did Mum tell you?" Luke spoke softly, looking down at his shoes to avoid Michael's gaze. "About Ale's, um, illness?"

"Ale told me." I sighed, seeing Luke's lower lip quicker at the mention of the man's name. He pulled himself together, blue eyes flickering over to me. "He called me up almost three weeks ago. Do you know about yourself yet?"

"Not yet." Luke shook his head as he frowned. "I couldn't do it alone, Mike. What if it came out positive? I'd be alone there, I don't know. I just couldn't do it."

"You have to, Luke."

"Will you come with me? Please?"

"Of course." I smiled tightly. I could feel my heart break into a million pieces as I opened my mouth to speak again. "What are best friends for, right?"

~~~

okAY YOU GUYS I WASNT GOING TO UPDATE BUT THEN I MANAGED TO GET TICKETS TO SEE THE BOYS IN MELBOURNE AND I NEEDED TO SHARE WITH ALL OF YOU BECAUSE I AM SOSO HAPPY. TO ANYONE TRYING TO GET TICKETS FOR AUSTRALIA, GOOD LUCK!! I REALLY HOPE YOU CAN MAKE IT!

and if any of my readers are going to the soundcheck in melbourne or at least getting tickets, let me know and we can meet upppp! i'm pumped