The day Luke left for Melbourne, it felt like he was physically tearing my chest open and yanking my heart out with his own bare hands. It felt like he had pushed me into the sea and left me there to drown, silently screaming for help as the water fill my lungs and pull me under. If I were to drown, that'd be in my own tears. The day Luke left for Melbourne, I managed to feel more alone than I ever did in my whole entire life, I managed to feel invisible, small, helpless, defenceless, vulnerable. I was a mess, inside and out. But Luke didn't even know. Luke was too busy hugging Alessandro and talking excitedly about how their life in Melbourne was going to be. 

I hadn't actually properly spoken to Luke in months. I was mentally preparing myself for his departure ever since the day he told me he'd be moving to Melbourne with Ale. I wasn't even worried about him not getting into UniMelb; I knew Luke could do whatever he set his mind to. Which was why I knew Luke would be absolutely fine in Melbourne without me. He had set his mind to being happy with Ale, building a life with Ale, being completely and utterly in love with Ale. He wouldn't even notice my absence, just how he barely noticed it in the last few months I always came up with excuses not to hang out with him, not to go over to his house or have him come over to mine. They were lonely months, but nothing felt lonelier than that moment.

I was sitting by the window in my room, knees brought up to chest and head leaning against the warm glass. The sun was shining heavily on me, making my skin start to burn. I knew that if I stayed there much longer, I'd get a pretty bad sunburn, but in all honesty, I couldn't bring myself to move as I gasped for air, letting the tears stream down my face freely. The only people who could possibly walk into my room and see me in such a state were my parents. And it wasn't like they didn't already know I was hurting, it wasn't like they didn't already know Luke was everything I could ever want in my life. I just wondered if they even had a clue that I was born without a soulmate. I wondered if that ever crossed their minds.

A quick knock on my door made me jump slightly, hands reaching up to dry the tears that streamed down my now rosy cheeks as I turned my head towards the door. "Yes?"

"Mikey." My mum murmured as she opened the door just enough so she could stick her head inside my room. "Are you sure you don't want to go say goodbye to Luke?"

I bit down on my lower lip as I looked out the window again. I couldn't see Luke's house from my bedroom window, but I could see the street where we first learned to ride our bikes. I could see the park we used to sneak out to at two am when we were thirteen and just sat there on the grass, looking up at the stars. I could see the rose bush Luke once fell into when he was learning to ride his skateboard, and smiled as I remembered seeing him standing up full of little cuts on his arms and legs from the thorns. I could see the doors of all the houses we used to knock on during Halloween as we asked for candy. From my bedroom window I couldn't see Luke and I couldn't see his house, but I could see our entire childhood displayed before me; all the memories that would always have a place in my heart, even if they didn't have a place in his anymore. 

"He doesn't need my goodbyes." I sighed, pulling my knees closer to my chest as I leaned my chin on my knee. "He doesn't need me anymore."

"Honey," Mum cooed, entering the room and softly closing the door behind her. She walked over to where I was seated, kneeling down next to me as her hand cupped my cheek. "Of course Luke needs you! You're his best friend, Mikey, he loves you." 

"All he cares about is Alessandro. He doesn't even know I exist anymore." I shook my head angrily, hiding my face so my mother didn't have to see me cry. I knew how much she hated it when I cried, I knew how much it broke her heart. I didn't want to break my mum's heart, because at that moment, I knew how much a broken heart could hurt. I didn't want my mother hurting like I was. "He's better off without me, anyways."

"Mikey," She whispered, clicking her tongue as she rubbed my back soothingly. "I know it's going to be hard for you to understand this. Believe me, I know what it's like to have your best friend find their soulmate when you still haven't and I know how exhausting it is to try and wrap your head around that fact. It took me so long to accept that my best friends were finally a whole, you know, and I wasn't exactly needed. But believe me, Luke is like this now because it's the start, he's love struck and he's just getting used to his soulmate. You are still his best friend and you will always be. He'll come around soon and things will be back to the way they were. It's just giving him time to adjust to it. Finding your soulmate is something big."

"Things won't be back to the way they were, Mum." I choked out as I looked up at her, seeing just how upset she got at seeing my tearstained cheeks. "He'll be across the country. He'll have his own life and I won't be a part of it."

"Come here." She sighed, hands resting on my shoulders as she pulled me in for a hug. I allowed my mother to wrap her arms around me tightly, holding me against her chest like she did when I was a child. I cried and cried and cried like I did when I scraped my knees and for the first time since I could remember, Luke wasn't there by my side saying he could kiss my boo-boo to scare the pain away. Luke was the pain this time. "Everything will be okay. I promise you."

"Thank you." I sniffled, using the back of my hand to clean up the snot that threatened to run down my nose.

"Gross, Michael." Mum clicked her tongue with a short laugh. "Here, have a tissue."

I allowed myself to laugh lightly, taking the tissue from Mum's hands before cleaning the back of my hand and proceeding to blow my nose. I couldn't remember crying like that in a very long time. I couldn't remember ever feeling as much pain as I did in that moment, not even when I broke my arm when I fell off the trampoline Luke got for his seventh birthday. Not even when I accidentally stapled my fingers together. Not even when Luke first told me about Ale. Not even when I first realised I was in love with my best friend. That was when I realised everything in my life was about to change: I was no longer in high school, my best friend was no longer living down the street. The only thing that remained the same was my lack of soulmate.

"Come on, honey." Mum smiled at me. "I think we should go over to see Luke. Just give him a hug and wish him a good flight."

I huffed, but nodded nonetheless. I didn't know if Luke would be happy to see me. I didn't know if he'd cry or if he'd smile, if he'd give me another half-hearted hug like he always did when Ale was around or if he'd actually hug me tight like he used to. I wondered if Luke would tell me he was having second thoughts, if he'd hesitate before opening the car door or look back at me once the car drove off. My mind was spinning with scenarios and unanswered questions, and every step closer to Luke's house made my heart race pick up and my hands start to sweat.

As I walked up to Luke's driveway with my mother next to me, I could see Ale rolling a suitcase to his car, picking it up without much effort before putting it in the boot. A cigarette sat behind his ear as he slammed the boot shut, leaning against the car with his arms crossed over his chest as he watched with a smile as Luke hugged his family. They hadn't realised we were there for a few seconds, Liz being the first to notice us and gasp in surprise. She hadn't seen me in a while, months even, and the shock was evident in her eyes as she saw me standing there with my hands stuffed in the back pockets of my jeans.

"Michael, darling!" She squealed, giving me a hug. "It's so good to see you! Where have you been all this time? I've been asking for you for ages but Luke always said you were busy."

"Year 12, you know." I chuckled slightly, clearing my throat as Liz pulled away, turning around to hug my mother. They had most likely seen each other in the last couple of days, but they were always just as excited when they saw each other again. I watched them for a few seconds as they talked excitedly before my attention was directed to the blond who was already staring at me with a sad smile.

"Hey." He said softly as he took a step closer to me. I could see Jack and Ben call Ale over into the house for a glass of water and the parents were quick to follow, closing the door and leaving Luke and I alone in the driveway. It felt weird, knowing that everyone in that room most likely knew how hard this was for me, how they all knew about my feelings for Luke and the blond was still oblivious.

"Hi." I whispered back, looking down at Luke's beat up Converse. It had been a while since I had seen those, and I wondered if he had gotten a new pair since the last time I saw him. I wondered how much had actually changed since I cut him off.

"I'm glad I got to see you before going." He nodded slowly, hurt evident in his voice. "I didn't think I'd see you again."

"I was busy." I shrugged, crossing my arms over my chest. "Studying a lot to get into UWA."

"Did you?" He asked with a hopeful smile.

"Bachelor of Arts." I said proudly. No matter how upset I was, I would always take pride in what I had accomplished. "Classics and Ancient History."

Luke nodded slowly, stuffing his hands into his pockets. "I'm proud of you, mate."

"I am too."

Luke took a step closer, taking his hands from his pockets before wrapping them around my body, pulling me towards him into a hug. I wrapped my arms tightly around his waist, knowing that I wouldn't be able to be the first one to let go. If I could, I'd never let go. I felt Luke's lips on my cheek, giving it a quick kiss before he looked me in the eyes. "I'm going to miss you."

"I am too."

~~~

i'm updating this so that i can say: i have never been more disappointed in 5sos in my whole entire life.

and honestly, don't you dare tell me i'm overreacting.

enjoy, goodbye.