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Chapter 29 – Excuses in November (Brennan Conrad POV)Pt.2

Then. "W-we should not be here today," I whisper swallowing thickly, the biggest knot in my throat as I stand facing over two thousand people.

Black is all I see.

It surrounds me everywhere I look.

Black pants, jackets, shiny black loafers and heels. Onyx dresses, casket, limo, hearse and gray.

Gray clouds. Rainy days did not stop Silas, I thought errantly.

A mournful endlessness that is near weeping as though it knows the loss that we had gathered to grieve.

Be strong, I think silently but my sadness has nothing to do with being strength. Maybe strength of character, but being physically strong had literally nothing to do with today.

I look down at everyone and we're missing someone. Samson and a part of me wonders if maybe he was the lucky one right now. Drugged and sleeping at home while the rest of us said goodbye to Silas.

"But we're here because we all love this one person that should be here with us," I continue my written speech, though I'm only looking out at the audience blindly – I don't see the faces.

Just black.

"I-I feel like this is all just some horrible misunderstanding and knowing Silas, he'd jump out at this last minute and laugh-h," my vision blurs further.

Nothing is grounding me now, and feel as though I'm in too many places at once. As my mother and father are near me, I hear mom release the tiniest of sobs and my heart doubles in this staccato rhythm.

My heart has thrummed, beating so fast that it sounds like a continuous hum, like this before. The only difference is the pain that accompanies it now.

"But – but Silas was a jokester, he was not a cruel person. I remem-remember that and that is the reminder that he is no longer with me, with all of us."

"I do not know how to go on from here, I keep thinking about Silas and what he would've wanted right now. The person I knew he was in my head, he'd be-be furious at all the tears," I cannot look at anyone in that moment and I blink away moisture. Inhaling, my body shudders, "I think – think he'd want to-"

My body involuntarily jerks with the force I'm using to suppress my aching. I wanted to be brave enough to joke around, to say something witty about Silas, and tell everyone our private antics.

Halfway through my speech, I gasp just feeling my chest squeeze in panic; he's gone. The desolation of the thought only surges the ache.

"I've got you Bren," Devin whispers, beside me, "It's okay... you're dad is going to speak," she coos, pulling me not just away from the microphone, but from all the peering, sadden, red and swollen eyes, the runny noses, the flushed faces with blurred vision probably much like my own.

Just away.

Devin was my strength that day and all the days that followed.

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Now. "Samson just – will you listen to me!" I snap loudly as he walks away from me for the – I'm not even sure how many it's been now.

I hadn't done a single thing wrong; I didn't spill anything to Devin, yet I was the one paying for it.

Following him down to the kitchen, "If you'd just give me one damn second to explain," I plead, the same words I've said repeatedly since Devin threw in his face the comments he made to me in confidence.

How long was he planning on being angry with me? He's stubborn, and though I'm not in the wrong, Samson is in the right.

Indirectly of course, but I couldn't let this fester and grow, so I had to be on his back. In reaching distance, I place my hand on his shoulder and with sharp reflexes; Samson strikes me right near my collarbone. Stumbling backwards, I watch with wide eyes as Samson just continues on leaving the house.

Gaining my composure I hang my head back, just looking up at the ceiling, even though I can see my mom from the corner of my eye.

Everyone knows, or they assume that I've betrayed Samson and my siblings give me the side look that reflects their disappointment in me.

The problem I was facing was much worse.

I took a break from Devin, but after much thought I couldn't tell the family what she'd done. If the truth came out, I couldn't see Devin ever being given a chance. It was already too late.

When Devin first started hacking and breaking into networks that was when I should have said something. That was nearly eighteen months ago.

I've given myself so many excuses that now; it was too late to come forward.

I expect mom to say something, but when she just continues about, I turn to her, "what mom?" I ask softly.

"We get to choose our friends and our mates Brennan," she starts, "I'm not taking the fault for your decisions, but I will say that you may have chosen the people around you because your father and I placed them there." It's her thoughtful but apologetic tone that shocks me, makes me feel worse inside.

Shaking my head slowly, I want in that moment to tell mom the truth; it's on the tip of my tongue. But my cowardice knows no bound.

"I chose Devin mom," I shrug, "yeah, but... after this, the way she's treated Faith – we're all seeing a side to Taylor and Devin that we haven't seen before and when it comes down to family Brennan," she says softly but with a hint of authority that makes me gaze right into her gaze.

"Family first Brennan... and if I see that Devin's presence is impacting Samson or Faith negatively, she will not be welcomed in this home anymore," the finality in mom's voice throws me.

I shake my head angrily, "what?"

"How is that fair? Javier can come here, but Devin cannot?"

Mom was slicing bread, but the knife in her hand stilled, and she put it down on the counter. "Should Javier do, what Devin has, then he too will be banned from entering my home," mom says monotone.

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How could I make any of this right? I thought sitting in my room, spinning from side to side on the computer chair, thrumming my fingers on the table. I continue doing so, my nerves building until I groan, turning to my computer.

With everyone freezing me out... despite putting space between Devin and I, I decide to throw her a bone. At lunch she had told Taylor to leave Samson alone, granted that wasn't staying out of the Samson Taylor drama. It was her trying to hold Taylor back. It was something.

If she could do that, then what would one little conversation hurt?

In my mind I try to recall the way that Harleigh had shown me to get into Devin's computer, when I wanted to leave a surprise Valentines Day image on her desktop. Show her that I had gone the extra mile to learn to do something that brought her great joy.

Normally when she talked computers, I listened dutifully, though I truly had no clue what she was going on about. Checking the clock, noting the time, I decide she's probably in her dorm room studying.

As I'm about to retrace the steps Harleigh gave me months back, my hands still right over the keyboard and I shake my head. I'm literally ignoring her for doing what I was about to do. Reaching for my phone instead, I find her number and call, "Oh hey Brennan," Devin's shared dorm space roommate answers her phone, "oh – uhm – hey is Dev around?" I ask.

"Yeah sure let me just tell her, she's talking to Tay," Brooklyn answers, moving I realize from the background noise. "In the main office – just help me with this one thing Devin, you have access to-" I hear the conversation and when Brooklyn taps on a door, followed by a creaking of the door, my eyes move around my room though I'm not looking at anything before me.

"Just get Faith's physical file-"

"Hey Dev, it's Bren-" pulling the phone away from my ears, I end the call a bit of disappointment filling me ten times over. I wasn't Samson smart, but I could surely put together what was being asked of Devin.

Get Faith's physical file for Taylor. Devin had already hacked the computers in search for information, now Taylor wanted her to steal from the Headmasters office? What was the real problem Taylor had with Faith I wondered? Devin had said she couldn't find anything on Faith, but again it's the way it's said that I remember.

If they found nothing online – what were the chances that they found something in her physical school documents? What did they hold that would make any difference to Taylor? But out of all the questions that bloomed, the most staggering was wondering if Devin would in fact help Taylor?

I would never be able to see her the same if she helped Taylor. My family... none of them either.

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Brennan has a TERRIBLE case of the: wanted to have my cake and eat it too.