"I love you, Alissa," Clay said with a pout.

        Alissa snickered. "I love you, too, Clay."

        They chuckled as they cuddled on my and Honoka's couch, and I watched them with a look of disgust.

        Fucking Darian.

        I had no idea what the hell he said, but whatever it was, it made Alissa forgive me and Clay. Now that these two made up, they were even mushier than usual, and it was gross and adorable at the same time.

        I had to admit that I was being salty, but I was glad that someone's relationship was doing well, since mine wasn't. Recently, Darian and I hadn't talked much, not since Arya "outed" me and Clay. He was declining my calls and when I texted him, his response was always curt and disinterested. I didn't know if he was pissed off or embarrassed or confused, but I felt like a terrible person.

        Of course, I had to ruin things.

   Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

        My therapist advised me to counter attack negative thoughts, but fuck that. I ruined one of the best relationships I could have had.

        My cellphone rang, and I instantly thought of Darian.

        Finally!

        But it was my mother.

        My shoulders slacked in disappointment, but I answered. "Moshi, moshi, Kaa-san." I made my way to my bedroom, needing privacy.

        "Moshi, moshi, Kenji-kun," she replied with enthusiasm filling her voice. "Honoka told me about what's been happening with you and Darian."

        I groaned. Honoka needed to stop telling my mother things. I could do it myself, now that we made up. "What did she say?" I plopped into my bed and put my phone on speaker.

        "She said that you two are fighting over some middle school incident," my mother said, and I stopped breathing momentarily. "But she won't tell me what that incident was."

        I could breathe again. Phew. "It's not that important."

        "He obviously thinks it is if he's this upset."

        I placed my hands behind my head while staring up at the ceiling. "He's avoiding me, and he won't talk to me."

        My mother tsked. "That never works. Arguing isn't the problem. Avoiding your disagreements and letting them grow is. You two need to talk and work on communicating and trusting each other. Those are probably two of the most important things in any relationship."

        "Why does he want to be with me, anyway?" I asked her. "Maybe he's finally come to his senses and realized he deserves better and—"

        "Iie," she cut in. "Definitely not, musuko. This is about him, not you."

        I ran my hands down my face, trying to keep my nerves under control. I'd been doing better these past two days, compared to before, but I was still pretty rocky. This situation wasn't helping because I couldn't help but think I fucked everything up.

        "How can a person be so considerate and kind one minute and be a complete jerk the next?" It was more of a rhetorical question to her. "I don't get it. Right when I think Darian is changing, he slips back into his old ways and does something stupid." I knew I played a role in this, but he was being an ass. "He says he's trying to change, but this continues to happen."

        "But that's what happens when you try to change," my mother said. "Changing isn't a linear process, Kenji. In the early stages of it, most people often relapse. You can't just wake up one morning, decide to change, and change without any struggles. Letting go of old habits is tough, and we all fall back into those patterns every now and then. The more you change, the less that'll happen until eventually, it won't happen at all."

        I'd never thought of it like that. "I really want to make this work, but everything is going wrong." I grabbed my head and groaned in frustration.

        "Okay, take it easy," my mother said. "You think everything is going wrong, but if you reflect, it's not that overwhelming. You have depression again. Okay, but you've overcome it before, so you can overcome it again. You've just been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. I know that's scary, but this knowledge can help you understand it and manage it better. You and Darian aren't talking, so guess what? Talk."

        "He doesn't wanna talk to me."

        "Do you want to talk to him?"

        "Yeah," I said. "I wanna figure this out and get past it."

        "Then talk to him," my mother said, "and make your voice be heard, whether he likes it or not." I fumbled with my fingers as she spoke. "You have to take initiative, Kenji. You can't always expect Darian to make the first move. This isn't tango, where only one person leads."

        I peeked over at the list he made me, and I smiled.

        What was wrong with us?

        "And listen to him, Kenji," she advised. "When you talk to him, and he gives his side of the situation, don't get defensive." I'd been working on my temper lately, so that was good. "The worst thing you can do when trying to recover from a fight is to get defensive because that only escalates the conflict. So you need to listen. Hear him out and try to understand why he feels the way he feels. Then do something to fix it, if you can. Will you do that?"

        "Hai, Kaa-san," I replied with a sharp nod of my head even though she couldn't see it.

        "Yoi," she said. "The one thing I admire most about you and Darian's relationship is the fact that no matter how many years past or how much you both change, you always stay in each other's heart." I sat up and grabbed my phone. "Now go get your ichiban."

        A new wave of determination and zeal went through me. "Hai."

        As soon as my mother and I said are goodbyes, I exited my room for the front door. I needed to see Darian.

        I wanted to stare into his lively, green eyes and watch his lips curl up into a smirk, and I wanted to caress his stubble while running my hands down his chest. I wanted to be around him, whether that was just sitting together silently or talking or watching movies or sucking each other off.

        I wanted to be around him.

        I moved over to the mirror near the front door, and I ran my hands through my hair a couple times. Once it was good, I adjusted my jacket and posed to make sure I looked presentable. It didn't give me the same satisfaction it used to, but might as well.

        "You look fine, Kenji," Honoka said from behind me. I glimpsed back at her to spot her watching me with her hands on her hips. "Now, go. Hopefully to Darian. Clay and Alissa worked their shit out. Now, it's up to you two."

        That was the plan.

        I grabbed my Jordans to put them on, but they were the ones Caroline Leigh ruined. I had to stop myself from scowling. I couldn't visit Darian with jacked up shoes. I'd been trying to get into fashion again, and since Darian and I were fighting, I had to look exceptionally good.

        So I sprinted back to my room, and I dug out my second favorite pair of Jordans from my closet before running back to the living room to put them on at the entrance. I only left when everything appeared on point, and I jogged down the stairs as fast as I could. When I reached the bottom, I snuck a peak at Honoka's Hatchback.

        I wasn't ready to drive it yet. Darian and I had only driven a handful of times, and I needed him beside me to find the courage to press down on that pedal.

        The bus it was then.

I stood outside Darian's apartment with my heart in my stomach. I didn't know why I was getting so nervous, but the anxiety escalated during the bus ride, and it was on overdrive now.

        Darian and I had known each other for years. I shouldn't have been trembling in my Jordans. We hadn't spoken in days and now that I was here, I didn't know what to say to him.

        Sorry I messed around with Clay in middle school.

        Sorry I never told you.

        Please talk to me.

        I miss you.

        None of it sounded right and for the first time, I was completely lost.

        Then the door swung open.

        My eyes went round when they landed on Darian. He had a towel wrapped around his waist while another hung on his shoulders. His hair was damp, and his eyes penetrated mine with a hard stare. Even though he was shirtless with droplets of water dripping down his chest, my eyes focused on his.

        I couldn't look away. They were that captivating. He was that captivating.

        "Hey," I finally said, and he stared at me blankly. "'Sup?" I tried again, but he said nothing. "Can I come in?"

        His expression didn't soften, but he widened the door for me to step through. "How was the gym?"

        I already knew that he had probably just taken a shower after finishing a round at the gym. I was aware of that it, but I wanted an excuse to make conversation. That and I wanted to hear his voice. I'd missed his voice.

        Darian didn't respond, and he turned around to walk away while I removed my shoes. He stopped in front of the couch, and once I straightened up, I knew what was up.

        He wanted to put distance between us.

        I fought the urge to think it was because he didn't want anything to do with me, but scowl still fought its way through. I was done with his games. "Okay, Darian." I took a step forward. "Why don't we cut the bullshit? No more silent treatments or declined calls or immature responses over text. Lay it all out there and tell me what's up. What's gotten into you?"

        "Are you really asking me that right now?" Darian asked with a brow arched.

        "Yeah," I said with a nod. "I'm dead serious. What's bothering you so much that you're acting this way?"

        He slit his eyes at me. "You don't get it."

        "You're right," I said. "I don't."

        Darian shook of his head. "You want to know why I'm so hurt?"

        "Please," I said with my arms opened up. "Enlighten me." That was why I was here.

        "Okay." Darian took a couple steps towards me, too. "I'm so fucking hurt because I went through a lot of shit in middle school." Confusion edged my face. "I was going through a lot, both at home with my dad and with my sexuality and just me in general. I needed you, Kenji." Our gazes met. "But no. You were getting your dick sucked by Clay."

         "Darian, c'mon." He couldn't hold that against me.

        "Let me finish," he said, and I kept my mouth shut. I was going to listen, just like my mother said. "That hurts. But you know what hurts the most?" He paused for a second before going on. "The fact that I wish it was me." I was confused again. "I wish it was me you had that fling with. I wish it was me you found sexually attractive, and I wish I was the one sucking your dick while you sucked mine."

        I stared up at the ceiling with my mind jumbled. What?

        I peeked over at Darian as he approached me, stopping when we were at arm's length. "I wish I was the one you desired. I wish I was the one who had your attention and affection." I maintained eye contact with him, despite the urge to look away. "I've wanted you for so long. Since sixth grade and probably before that. I've wanted you before most guys started developing crushes on girls, and I've wanted you even when I hated myself for wanting you." My expression fell as the guilt sunk in. "I liked you so much, Kenji, but you never even gave me the time of day. Because you were there experimenting with straight guys instead of the guy who actually wanted you. The guy who'll do anything to be yours and have you desire him in return."

        "Darian..."

        "Instead," he kept going, "you were there crushing on girls while Clay remained your side hoe. You were dating girls who treated you like shit and took you for granted." Kimiko. "You were dating girls you had no romantic feelings for, for almost two years." Rosalyn. "You were doing everything, except noticing me. That's what hurts the most, Kenji." He took another step forward, leaving only inches between us. "Having you notice everyone but me."

        I was speechless. Speechless as I looked into Darian's defeated eyes. Speechless as his warm breath brushed against my face. Speechless because all I wanted to do was kiss him.

        When I finally gained my voice, I said, "I notice you now." Darian didn't look convinced. "I mean it."

        He chuckled, but there was an undertone of hurt to it. "That's another thing. Lately, I've been on this high because for the first time, it seems like you feel the same way."

I do!

        "But maybe I'm delusional." He put distance between us again. "Maybe that's just what I want to believe." No. "I'm always chasing you. I'm always telling you how I feel. I'm always confirming us and our relationship. But you never do the same."

        That wasn't true.

        I had to bite my tongue to keep myself quiet. Don't get defensive.

        "You don't know what it's like," he said, "to be crazy about someone, to the point of thinking you'll lose your fucking mind, only to realize they may not give a damn about you. At least, not the way you want."

        "Darian..." I couldn't stay silent anymore. "That's not true. We can never know for sure what's going through each other's mind, but that doesn't mean my feelings aren't as strong as yours."

        "Fair enough," he said with a shrug. "But answer this, Kenji. Do you feel like I care about you? Compassionately and romantically? Do you feel appreciated?"

        "I know you do," I answered, "and of course, I do." It didn't matter what happened. Deep down, I always knew Darian cared.

        He sent me a sad smile. "I wish I could say the same." My breath caught in my throat as my jaw dropped. His words cut me so deep that I couldn't wrap my head around them. "I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I have been for a while now. Everything blowing up only made it worse. I just want you to care because if you cared half as much as I do, that'll be enough."

        I shook my head. "Don't say that. How can you possibly believe I don't care about you?" He bit his lip without saying a word. "Darian, I don't care half as much as you do. I care as much as you do. If only you could read my mind. If only you could hear the thoughts I have about you or know how I really feel when I'm around you."

        "Why can't you just say it?" he said. "When a thought about me crosses your mind, tell me. When I make you feel especially good, let me know. Just tell me how you feel, Kenji."

        I massaged my temple, still in disbelief at this. "I'm not good at expressing my feelings. Not like you are, Darian."

        I wasn't the type of person who could naturally declare my "like" or "love" for people. I felt it, but it was a hell of a lot more difficult expressing it.

        "You think this is easy?" He crossed his arms. "You think it's easy to put your heart on the table? You think it's easy for me? You're my fucking weakness, Kenji!" he hollered while throwing his arms up. "That day when you gave me a blowjob in my car, I blurted it out. It wasn't an 'in the moment' thing. I meant it. I melt in your hands because you have this weird power over me, and the sickest part is, I feel most powerful when I'm around you. It makes no sense." He raked his hand through his hair while exhaling loudly.

         "I don't want to to be your weakness," I said. "I want to be your strength. I don't want you to be afraid of your feelings for me."

        "I'm not," he said, louder than necessarily. "I'm not afraid of the way I feel anymore, and that's the frightening part. I embrace it. I find joy in it." He took multiple deep breaths. "But you still seem afraid, and that scares me."

        I took half a step forward. "Why?" He gulped as he averted his gaze. "Why, Darian?"

        His eyes returned to me. "I don't want to keep falling faster than you."

        The room went silent. I stood back, stunned, while Darian hid his face with a hue of red painting his neck.

        "It'll be nice to hear it sometimes," he continued. "I'll be nice to know I'm not the only one putting my all into this. To know that the way I feel about you mirrors how you feel about me."

        "What can I do, babe?" I marched over to him, and grabbed his hands in mine. "Tell me. What can I do to make you feel appreciated? To make you feel cared for. I don't care if it's out of my comfort zone. I'll do it a thousand times and more just so you can feel what I feel."

         "I shouldn't have to tell you." He glanced down to the ground, but I made him look up at me.

        "Yes, you should," I said. "That's how communication works. I'm not a mind reader, Darian. If I'm doing something you don't like or if I'm not doing something you want, tell me. I won't get mad. I just want you to be happy." A smile tugged at the corner of his lips, and I took his hands and placed them on my pounding heart. "Feel that?" He nodded, his eyes never leaving mine. "That's all for you, and it'll always be for you." I cupped his cheek in my free hand. "You're the now, Darian. You're the present and probably the future, and that means you're what matters. Not Clay. Not Kimiko. Not Rosalyn. Certainly none of those other girls I had crushes on, or kissed or dated or even slept with. Only you matter." He leaned into my touch as I caressed his skin."I want you to know that. I want you to feel that. You're my ichiban. My one—my number one."

        "Kenji." He grabbed me and squeezed me into an embrace with his face buried into my neck. I shielded him with my arms, letting him know I was staying. "You can hurt me," he mumbled into my neck. "You can hurt me so bad, but you can also make me feel..." He groaned and held me tighter.

        I chuckled. "You couldn't have said it any better."

        "You've always been all that mattered to me," he confessed, and I smiled.

        "So have you," I said, and he went still. Darian peeked over at me with his lips parted in shock. "It took me seven years to figure it out, but I know now." He smiled. "If you need me to be more expressive of the way I feel, I'll try. I'll remind you of how I feel, and I'll show you how much I care. I may not do the best job in my state."

        "I'm sorry, Kenji," he said while resting his head onto my shoulder. "I'm being an asshole and making demands when you're fucking depressed."

        "Don't," I said while running my fingertips up and down his back. "Depressed or normal state. It doesn't matter. You should still know how I feel about you if that's what you need in order to feel cared for—to feel appreciated. We have to take care of each other."

        Darian circled a finger along my chest, and I never noticed how much I missed his touch, his proximity, until now. "Right now, I need to take care of you more." We smiled at each other. "No more silent treatments or declined calls or immature texts. If we have a problem, we should talk and work it out. No more finding reasons to not be together." His eyes bored into mine. "Okay?"

        I nodded. "Okay."

        He grinned. "Good. Because I can't stay away from you." He buried his face back into my neck, inhaling this time. "God, you smell so fucking good." He moaned as he held me. "I've missed this."

        "I've missed this, too." I played with the hairs on the nape of his neck. "Don't be afraid to fall, Darian."

        "I want you to fall with me," he mumbled, barely audible.

        "I will because you can have me," I blurted out, making us both stiffen. "If you want me, you can have me." He released me and stood up straight. "You can have this." I imbedded his fingers into my hair, and he caressed my scalp himself. "You can have this." I took his other hand and ran his fingers along my lips, making sure to fan them with my breath. "You can have this." I moved that hand down to grope my crotch, and Darian's eyes went wide at the growing bulge in my jeans. "I haven't been turned on in a while, but you do this to me." From the glazed over look in his eyes, I knew he was turned on, too. "But most of all, you can have this."

       I moved his hand up to my rapidly beating heart, and he watched me with caution. "You can have all of me, Darian Ansel," I confirmed, and in record time, he grabbed a fistful of my hair and smashed his lips to mine.

        The both of us grunted, instantly granting each other entrance. I'd missed the warmth of this. The passion and brute force. The intimacy shielded by groans and aggressive limbs. I grabbed Darian's towel from around his neck and flung it to the side while our tongues and mouths moved in unision. He smirked against my lips, and my tongue poked out to caress his. It was a distraction as I yanked the towel from around his waist, letting it fall. Darian jerked when I pulled him closer to me, keeping my hand on his ass, but he tugged on my bottom lip when I attempted to pull away.

        "That hurts." My voice came out hoarse when I had finally managed to pull away, and I touched my sore lips that were quirked up into a smirk of their own.

        "I'm sorry, baby." Darian rubbed my sides, and he ran his tongue along my bottom lip. "Better?" His kisses moved down to my neck.

        "Better," I replied as he alternated between sucking on my neck to blowing on the abused flesh. My clothed cock pressed against his bare one, and with each passing second, they both grew firmer. "You know what's even better?"

        "Mhmm," he hummed against my skin, and the vibrations went straight to my cock.

        I pulled him away so he could stare in my eyes as I said. "You." I cradled his face in both of my hands, and he peered up at me with slightly hooded eyes. "You inside of me."

        Darian's eyes nearly popped out. "Kenji..."

        "Shhhh." I pressed a finger to his lips. "You can have me." I wrapped my arms around him, and he did the same, but I moved his hand further down to grab my ass. "All of me," I whispered in his ear, and he gulped.

        "Are you sure?" he asked, a mix between fear and anticipation. "I want to. Fuck I want to, but should we wait? I don't wanna fuck this up. What if I hurt you? I hope you don't feel pressured."

        He groaned, and I gave him a chaste kiss. "Shut up. I'm not feeling pressured." He glanced my way when I began running my hands up and down his chest, letting the hairs brush through my fingers and the hard muscles press against my palms.

"I want this, so no more waiting." I sent kisses along his cheek and jaw, enjoying the feel of the prickly hairs against my lips. "When it comes to each other, no more holding back. We need to give into your desires, and we desire each other." He nodded weakly, and I bit his earlobe, provoking a moan from him, before blowing on it. "So..." Both his hands were massaging my ass by now. "Where's the lube?"

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* I told you guys this is one of my favorite chapters. 😁

* What are your thoughts? Kenji talking to his mother? Kenji and Darian talking? What's going down in the next chapter?

* There's this thing called a love language. It's what makes people feel loved and appreciated, and I think Kenji's dominant love language is Quality Time while Darian's is Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation.

* Most couples have different love languages, and the boys weren't any different. This was a huge source of conflict, but they're getting past it. The boys have made a big breakthrough here because making someone feel loved is an important aspect of any relationship.

* Who's excited for the next chapter? 😉