I didn't know what the hell was wrong with me. I didn't know how I moved from sitting in my apartment, looking ratchet as fuck as I evaluated my life, to being in a car with Darian on another of our driving lessons.

I drove in the apartment complex, but I freaked out when a car showed up, so Darian had to take over. He drove us to the outskirts of Shirley Heights because there were less cars there, and I was grateful for that. One car passed and I nearly lost my shit again, but Darian refused to back down, so I had to endure it.

Asshole.

It would have been wise to say "no," but I had accepted that I was a dumbass when it came to Darian, and I had no right to be angry at him. If he wanted to fuck other guys, it was his prerogative.

The idea still made my chest tighten.

In a way, I was glad he came because that look I had going on was neither cute nor was it me.

Then again, I hadn't felt like myself in a while.

Darian was playing our favorite rap station that we usually listened to when we were in a car together. We moved to the music together, rapping and moving our upper bodies along to the beat. Every time the beat dropped, Darian and I would slow down and switch things up. We were laughing and having a blast.

Lately, I hadn't enjoyed music like I normally did, but I was entertained by Darian's dancing. I had to hand it to the guy. He had rhythm.

But the music couldn't drown out my fears. It was evening, which made me slightly uneasy since night driving scared me the most. I was also on the lookout for other cars, even though we were away from the heart of the city, but being so far from the city made the streets darker. My paranoia seeped in and every shadow made me a little more on edge. The more time passed, the jerkier my driving became and...

What the fuck was I doing?

I wasn't a good driver, and I was a hazard on the road.

Why was I still trying to drive?

Darian studied me for a moment before turning his attention to untitled 07 | 2014 – 2016 by Kendrick Lamar. "Aye!" He bobbed his head in approval as he turned up the volume. "This is what I'm talking about." He moved to the beat while I cracked up.

"Are you sure you're a senator's son?"

Darian eyed me. "What's that supposed to mean?"

I shrugged. "When I think of a senator's son, you're the last person that'll come to mind. You're even further from what I envision when I think of a republican senator's son. You're nothing like your dad."

"I think that's our problem." He opened the window to hang his arm out. "We're too different. Different ideologies. Different lifestyle choices. Different views. That's really hard for him." I snuck peeks between him and the road, which furthered my anxiety. "It's difficult for him to accept the fact that I'm everything he isn't. My father is really big on sticking to what he knows. He doesn't know me, and that's because I'm everything he doesn't want to know, in more ways than one."

"Like you being gay?"

He hesitated for a second but nodded. "Like me being gay. And me being Liberal. Me being irreligious. And also me liking hip-hop and rap. Hanging with my boys. Not going to college. Getting in trouble. Being rude as fuck."

Yeah, I couldn't disagree with that last part.

Darian was a sweet guy when you were on his good side. If you were on his bad side, good luck.

"I'm a disgrace in his eyes," he said, "and I don't know how to change that."

Okay. We needed to stop. I could barely drive when my mind was focused solely on driving. I certainly couldn't drive and talk at the same time.

I sloppily pulled over onto the side of the road and put the car in park. Then I turned in my seat to face Darian, making sure to turn off the music.

"What are you doing?" he asked while studying me.

"We need to talk," I said.

"Obviously." He sent me a "duh" look. "We need to work this out," he said while motioning between us.

"Not just that. We need to talk about you," I said, and he scratched his head. "Things have been pretty rough on you lately. Your whole life has practically changed in the matter of a couple months. Now, you actually have to be an adult and do shit."

"Right?" he agreed in bewilderment. "What has the world come to?"

We chuckled. "We haven't touched base on each other's lives in a while," I said. "I don't care if things are rocky between us. I still want us to be there for each other and at least know what's going down in each other's lives. So let's talk. About anything. Your day. What's been happening lately. Your family. Anything is game." A spark of joy filled his eyes as he watched me. "What?"

His grin never diminished as he turned in his seat to face me, too. "You wanna talk?" I nodded. "About my life?"

"Why not?" I said. I had been feeling like shit lately thinking about my life, so it wouldn't have hurt to focus on someone else's, especially when that person was Darian. "I don't care if we're not together. I want us to at least be friends. Friends care. I care."

Despite all the shit that had been happening between us, I would always care.

Darian visibly relaxed. "And that is why you're the guy for me, Kenji Kai."

"Gyan isn't the guy for you?" I teased, only partially joking.

He groaned. "Will you let that go? How would you like it if I kept bringing Rosalyn up?"

"I'm not mad anymore." He sent me a look. "Okay, maybe a little."

"Let's talk about it then," he said. "We can't just keep being mad at each other. You wanted to talk, so let's talk."

"I have no right to be mad."

It pissed me off, but I had no right.

"It doesn't matter if you have 'no right,'" he said. "That doesn't change the fact that you are mad."

"Gyan is a fucking sex god!" I hollered.

"What?" Darian's brows knitted together.

I didn't blame him. Why would he want to be with me when there was Gyan?

"Gyan is literally tall, dark and handsome," I said. "Muscular too." I wasn't scrawny, but compared to Gyan, my muscles were pathetic. "He's hot."

"Why does that matter? You're hot, too," Darian said. "You may not be literally dark, but you are tall and handsome."

I sent him a sideways glance. "You made me believe you wanted to be with me."

"I do want to be with you," he said.

"That's what I thought, too." He scratched his head, still appearing confused. "I didn't understand it, but I thought you liked me, and it felt good. Not a lot of things have felt good lately, but that did." Darian's expression softened. "After Rosalyn and I broke up, things were rough. Even though we're not meant to be together, she was still a fundamental part of my life, and breaking up with her was tough. But I still had you. At least, that's what I thought."

"You do still have me." He grabbed my hands in his.

"At the moment, it hurt, Darian," I told him while releasing his hands. "Right when I break up with Rosalyn, I find out you're fucking another guy. Right after I tell you about my past, you decide to fuck a sex god. Not another ordinary guy, but a fucking upgrade from me. At least downgrade, Darian. Damn."

That was salt to the wound, knowing he found someone better than me.

"Gyan is not an upgrade from you, and my decision to be with him had nothing to do with you. It was all me." I scoffed. "I'm dead serious, and we never fucked. How many times do I have to tell you that?"

"Hooked up. Messed around. Got together. I don't care, Darian," I said while dismissing him with a wave of my hand. "All that matters is that you were with him."

"You were with Rosalyn," he retorted.

"Not anymore."

He threw his arms up. "How was I supposed to know? You should have told me."

"I would have." I leaned in close to him. "I would have told you that day. Maybe sooner if you talked to me, but no." I put some distance between us again. "You were too busy sucking Gyan's dick."

"That's not fair," he whined, but a crease formed in his forehead. "Wait a minute. What makes you think I was the cocksucker?"

Really? This was a serious conversation, and he wanted to ask that?

"That's your specialty, right?" I crossed my arms, not even hiding my frown. "Isn't that how you seduce people?" He didn't respond. "You drop down on your knees and suck them off." I shook my head with a forced chuckle. "Works every time. It sure worked on me. That's how this started."

All this happened because of one blowjob.

Wow. I was that easy.

Darian wagged a finger at me. "You're funny, Kenji."

"Not tryna be."

"What do you want me to say then?" His tone came out frustrated. "No matter what I say, you're mad at me. No matter what I do, you won't trust me. When I pursued you, you pushed me away. When I let you go, you pushed me away even more. What do I do, Kenji?"

"I let you in," I countered, and he stayed silent. "Right before you went M.I.A. on me, I let you in. I contemplated starting to trust you. Right when I decided to let you in, you pushed me away."

I glared at him while he watched me, and it took him a while to respond.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that, but you've been pushing me away longer." He chuckled, which confused me. There wasn't anything funny about this. "When I let you in, you push me away, and when you let me in, I push you away. I guess our timing is off."

"We're off!" I yelled, and he frowned. "What the hell are we doing, Darian? Since when do we do this? Since when are we ever more than friends? Since when do we banter like a married couple even though we've never dated?"

"You're finding every reason you can not to be with me," he stated in a matter-of-fact tone. "You can't keep doing this, Kenji. Stringing me along by pulling me close only to push me away again."

"It doesn't make sense." I raked my fingers through my hair. "Why do you even want to be with me, Darian? Why not Gyan? Why not any other guy? Why me?"

I always wondered that. He could definitely find guys hotter, smarter and nicer than me, so why did he want me so badly?

"Because of the way you make me feel," Darian replied. "You don't feed me bullshit. You keep things real with me, but at the same time, you find a way to make me feel incredible. Like I can do anything. Like I'm a good guy. Even with all the tension between us, you never give up on me. You may push me away, but you never let go of me. You always give me another chance, even when you try convincing yourself of every reason not to. Some may think that's stupidity." Me. "But I think that's faith," he said with a smile spreading on his face. "Faith in me. The more I think about, I don't think our problem is you not having faith in me. The problem is you not having faith in yourself." I narrowed my eyes. "Why don't you just trust yourself and go after what you want?"

"Why should I get that?" I asked him. "Why should I get to go after what I want? Be happy? Have a future ahead of me? Why should I get all those things, Darian?"

He appeared taken aback. "W-why shouldn't you?"

Lately, I had been thinking about Camila more. About her personality. Our friendship. The moments we shared together, especially that last night with her. I didn't know I would never see my friend again. I didn't know I would never hear her voice or see her smile in person.

I didn't know.

If I did, I would have done things differently.

I wouldn't have driven.

Even if I would have driven, I would have taken a different path. I would have been more aware of my surroundings. I would have been a more competent driver.

I would have been better.

"It's not fair." My voice was barely audible as I stared at the steering wheel. "Why should I be here when Camila isn't?"

"Kenji, don't do this to yourself," Darian sighed.

"Maybe I should have died that night instead."

His head snapped in my direction with a glare my way. "Don't say that."

"Yeah." I nodded. "Things would have been better that way."

"Do you hear yourself, right now?" His tone came out harsh, almost as if he was offended.

"So many people loved Camila," I said. "She was a good person. She had a lot of potential. It would have been less of a casualty if I died that night."

"Kenji, what the hell are you saying?" Darian watched me more intently.

"Camila would be alive, and Rosalyn wouldn't have her heart broken," I kept going. "My old friends would be fine because they survived without me just fine for two years. You would be great." He stared at me in disbelief. "You wouldn't have to deal with this emotional roller-coaster that is our relationship. With me gone, you can finally move on."

"I don't wanna hear this, Kenji." He rested his head in his hands with a tired voice.

I wasn't done. "My mother wouldn't have someone constantly reminding her of her mistakes. Honoka and Tou-san may be in pain at first, but they would be better off in the long run."

"Stop saying this!" he yelled, but sadness coated his eyes.

"They wouldn't have to worry about me anymore," I said. "They wouldn't have to deal with me. No one would."

I had been ruminating on what life would have been like if I died instead of Camila. The people in my life would be better off without me.

My life was worthless.

I was worthless.

Camila wasn't.

"Maybe we like dealing with you, Kenji," Darian said. "That's a pretty sweet deal if you ask me." My gaze returned to his. "I would rather be hung up on you and never have you then to have you be dead. It's not even a question. We care about you, Kenji, and life wouldn't be better without you. It'll be a little darker, just like Camila's death made things darker, too."

"I've never been good enough," I said. "Always too slow. Too weak. Too cocky. I'm always on one side of the spectrum but never enough." Tears coated my eyes as I stared ahead while Darian's eyes stayed on me. "Why should she have to pay for my mistake?" He didn't reply, and I didn't expect him to. "Why did she suffer the consequences of my incompetence?"

I fumbled with my hands until I noticed the trembling.

I squeezed them harder. They continued to shake. I fumbled with them some more. Massaged them. Anything, but they wouldn't stop shaking!

The sting in my eyes became more intense as my breathing increased. Don't cry, Kenji. Crying was useless. Crying wasn't going to bring Camila back. It wasn't going to un-break Rosalyn's heart.

It wasn't going to make me worth shit.

There was no point.

Darian suddenly hopped out, and my gaze followed him as he moved around the car to stop beside my side of the vehicle. I opened the door and sent him a look.

      "What are you—" I was cut off by Darian yanking me up to my feet and pulling me into an embrace. His arms squeezed me to his body while mine stayed to my sides as the shaking traveled to the rest of my body. "Darian..."

"Shhh." He held me tighter and smoothed my hair back. "Stop talking and just cry." His words made the tears pool in my eyes more, but I shook my head in stubbornness. Darian pulled me back to look me in the eye, and he said, "No more being fake around each other, remember?" I pressed my lips tightly together to hold back what I knew was inevitable. "You've seen me at my worst, at my most vulnerable, and at my best." His eyes softened. "Let me in so you can say the same about me." He pulled me back into the embrace, and my arms wrapped around him this time. "Let me in, Kenji," he whispered into my ear, and that was the final straw.

I burst into tears, clutching him to me, as the emotions attacked me all at once.

Guilt.

Shame.

Worthlessness.

So many more, and I felt like the boy from junior year all over again.

The tears became more audible and more agonizing as the seconds passed, and Darian rubbed my back and held me close to him, as if shielding me from the world.

If only he knew the real danger was within me.

I cried harder at the thought, and we stayed in our embrace. We only pulled away once I calmed down, and I took out one of my handkerchiefs. As I wiped my face with it, Darian sent me an amused grin.

I paused and rose a brow. "What?"

"Nothing," he said with his grin in place. "It's just good to know Pretty Boy Kenji is not completely gone." He pointed at the handkerchief, and I rolled my eyes.

"Cocky bastard doesn't wanna leave," I joked while pocketing the handkerchief, and Darian laughed.

I cracked a smile, but he watched me carefully and opened his mouth but closed it without saying anything.

"What?" I nudged his arm.

"Anyone can blame themselves for what happened to Camila," he said. "The bastard who ran into us definitely should. Even I can blame myself."

I jerked my head back. "You?" He nodded. "Why?"

Darian sent me a sad smile. "If I never abandoned you guys, that day never would have happened. If I wasn't such a shitty friend, Camila will probably still be alive."

That day was supposed to bring Darian back into our friendship group. It was all about him.

        But it wasn't his fault.

"Anyone can find something to feel guilty over," he continued, "but Camila wouldn't want us to suffer any more than we already have."

I wanted her to be there.

I wanted my friend back.

It had been two years, but lately, it felt like two months. The guilt. The loss. The sadness. It was all hitting me again.

"Hey." Darian ran a hand up and down my arm. "You have to forgive yourself, Kenji." I looked away, but he grabbed my chin so we could hold eye contact. "It's a process, but you have to. It's easy for you to forgive other people, but you won't forgive yourself."

I didn't forgive my mother. What kind of son didn't forgive his own mother?

Darian continued to watch me with his brows furrowed in thought. "You're not happy," he said. I didn't rebut his claim, and he moved closer to me. "Why aren't you happy?"

I stared at him, taking in his concerned eyes, and his warm hand that moved up to caress my cheek.

Darian always made me happier.

If there was anyone who could make me happier, it was my ichiban.

"Kenji—," My lips covered his before he could finish his sentence.

He groaned as I grabbed a hold of his shirt while my tongue traced his bottom lip. He granted me entrance, and I dominated the kiss even as Darian reciprocated it. I took note of every gasp, every breath, and every caress that accompanied the movement of our lips and tongue.

God, I missed kissing him.

We only parted when I switched our positions by slamming his body against the car, but I reclaimed his lips once more. He put up more of a fight now, with his body pressing to mine while I played with the hairs on the nape of his neck.

I missed touching him, too.

I needed to touch him more.

I pulled away from his lips, and he groaned in annoyance, moving in for more. I gave him my cheek instead, and he frowned.

"Please don't tell me you're going cold on me again," Darian said with a worried look.

I smirked. "Get in the car." He hesitated, perking a brow. "Get in the car," I repeated more assertively.

His lips curled at the corners. "That turned me on way more than it should have." He followed my instructions, and I was right behind him.

He was seated when I entered the car, and I tried finding a position that would make us both comfortable. "That's not fair, Kenji." It was Darian's time to smirk at me. "Kissing me like that to dodge my question?"

I straddled him. "Shut up." He laughed, and I sat up too straight and banged my head on the car ceiling.

"Ow!" I grabbed my head with my back slightly hunched.

"Oh, no. Baby." Darian rubbed the sore area for me, and I froze, suddenly not caring about my head.

He called me "baby."

I kind of liked it.

I smiled, and he stopped rubbing. "Did I do something?" Worry spread along his face. "Did I say something?"

I shook my head with my grin widening. "Call me baby again," I said while adjusting his shirt.

Darian's muscles relaxed as our gazes locked. "Baby." He grabbed my hair and pulled me close.

I couldn't take it anymore, and I closed the distance between our lips. Darian didn't hesitate to kiss me back, and his hands roamed all over my body from my legs to my back to my hair and even to my ass while my hands stayed focused on his face and neck. This kiss was less aggressive and held more purpose. There was no rush.

I could kiss him forever.

Darian pulled his lips away from mine, so I moved my kisses down to his neck. "I don't want you with Rosalyn."

I paused and peered up at him. "Rosalyn and I are through." I sat up, but not enough to bump my head like before.

He brushed my hair out of my face. "I don't want you with anyone." He brushed his lips against mine, and I struggled to keep my eyes opened as he said, "I don't want you with anyone who isn't me."

We stared into each other's eyes as we continued to breathe against each other's lips. "I don't want you with Gyan." I put some distance between us. "Or any other guy who isn't me."

That feeling of worthlessness came back.

"Not even a problem," Darian said while running his hand up and down my chest. "It doesn't matter how hot all those other guys are"—His gaze met mine—"they'll never measure up because they aren't you."

I was supposed to smile, but I couldn't. Darian said the right things, but the worthlessness was still there.

All the other feelings came rushing back, too.

No.

"Kenji, you okay?" Darian asked when I remained silent.

"Fuck me," I blurted out, and his eyes went round.

"W-what?" he stuttered, but my hands had already begun to work on his belt.

"Fuck me," I repeated. "I'll take it up the ass. I don't care. I just want you to fuck me."

"Kenji." I removed his belt and got to work on his fly. "Kenji, stop!" He pulled my hands away, and I slit my eyes at him. "What's wrong with you?"

I snorted. "I'm asking you to fuck me and you're asking what's wrong with me?"

He should have been happy. Unless...

"Gyan," I said as it sunk in. Confusion edged Darian's face. "You could be with me before Gyan, but now that you've been with him, I'm not good enough."

"What?" Darian's eyes widened. "I didn't say that!"

I got off of his lap and sat beside him with a blank stare.

"Kenji, no!" Darian turned his body towards me. "I want you." I glanced over at him. "I want you so fucking much, but I don't want you only for sex. I want all of you."

The worthlessness was still there.

"Okay," I said as we faced each other in the seat, "but I still don't get why you won't fuck me."

"It doesn't feel right, Kenji," he said, and I scoffed. "And I bet deep down, it doesn't feel right to you either."

It didn't.

A lot of things didn't feel right anymore.

"You make me happier," I confessed, and he seemed confused. "Being with you, whether sexually or just hanging out, makes me happier."

He was silent for a second until he scooted closer to me. "This brings us back to my first question that you dodged. Why aren't you happy, Kenji?" I averted my gaze. "No." He made me look at him. "Answer my question."

"I don't know," I said, even though deep down I did.

Rosalyn's words rang through my ear.

Just because you survive something doesn't mean it won't come back.

"You do," Darian said, "and I think I have a clue, too." The tears began to well up again. "Kenji..." He opened his arms, and I allowed him to hold me again. "This behavior isn't normal. It's certainly not normal for you."

"You make me happier," I whispered with the heaviness returning to my eyes.

"I make you happier when you're already happy," he said, and I clutched onto his shirt for dear life. "As much as I'll love to, I can't fix what's happening to you. I could fuck you in this car, but I have a feeling you wouldn't enjoy it as much as you should." I laid my head in his lap, and he ran his fingers through my scalp. "You deserve to enjoy that first time, and I want you to be happy, Kenji." A single tear slid down my cheek. "I want you to be happy so that I can make you even happier. But I can't make you happy."

"Right now, I'm an emotional wreck, Darian," I said as more tears slid down my face and landed on his lap.

He started massaging my scalp and some of the tension eased out of me. "I know." I sat up, and we held eye contact. "I wish you weren't going through this, but I'm glad you let me in to be here with you."

I reached for my handkerchief. "You turned down sex."

I chuckled at the strange occurrence, but Darian wiped away my tears before I could use the handkerchief. "I turned down sex because your well-being matters more to me than my hard-on," he said, and I stared at him, in shock and in admiration. He grabbed my handkerchief from my hand and placed it back into my pocket while saying, "And that is one of the reasons why I like you and not those other guys. There are many more reasons. You just don't see them."

Even though all those emotions were still present, being around Darian made me feel better than being alone, but he was right. I didn't enjoy the moment like I should have, and I definitely wouldn't have enjoyed sex with him like I should have, so I was grateful he put my "well-being" over his "hard-on."

And that was one of the many reasons why I liked Darian.

"What do we do now?" I asked, and he smiled.

"You don't need sex," he said, "even if it is from me." I playfully smacked his arm, but his smile didn't diminish. "I don't know what you need right now. Only you know, so tell me, Kenji. What do you need?"

"I need you to hold me," I told him. "We don't need to talk or do anything. I just need to know you're here."

He nodded. "I can do that."

And that's what he did. Darian held me in his arms in the backseat of his GMC. No words were exchanged. No sexual contact was made. He held me, even though I was an emotional wreck.

My feelings for Darian Ansel grew a little stronger.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* What do you guys think about this Danji-filled chapter? What's happening to Kenji? How Darian handled it? Darian turning down sex? Comment your thoughts.

* I'm SO SORRY GUYS!!! I'm usually so good at updating, and I'm so sorry I haven't updated in more than a MONTH. I've never done this before, and I won't be surprised if I've lost some of you. I'm so sorry!! This will NEVER happen again.

* These past couple months have been really hard for me. Every aspect of my life has been affected so far, and I was hoping my writing would be an exception. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. Finding the motivation to do anything was a struggle, and that included writing. Right when I found the motivation, I got admitted into the hospital. I'm so sorry guys, but I'm going to try separating my life from writing because writing gives me solace. I could use that solace now more than ever.

* I've missed these boys and I've missed interacting with you all. This will definitely never happen again. You won't have to wait a month for the next update. Trust me. 😊