I released a heavy breath from Darian's text. I couldn't hide anymore. It was time to face him. I trudged towards the door and put on my Jordans before making my way out. I hoped this went smoothly. I was still trying to recover from what happened at the Alvarez house.

I moved nonchalantly until I spotted the familiar black GMC.

My pace slowed.

The driver's door opened and revealed a grinning Darian, who slammed the door behind him. "Ready, kid?" He approached me, and I stopped in front of him.

"I'm not a kid." I walked past him, and he turned around with his grin transforming into a smirk.

"Of course not." He made his way to the passenger seat while I got settled into the driver's. "Kids don't do the things you do." He glanced my way while closing his door.

I ignored him, and we both buckled ourselves in.

I froze.

Was I really doing this?

There was a reason I stopped driving. I was a hazard. I wasn't a good driver. Why was I even trying? What good could come from this?

"Stop psyching yourself out," Darian said with his arm on the window sill. "You'll be fine. Don't overthink it."

"Easy for you to say." I reached to shift the car into reverse.

"Whoa." Darian grabbed my arm. "Check your mirrors." Oh, that. "And make sure you're comfortable. Is the seat the right distance for you? Is it close enough or far enough from the foot pedals? Can you see properly with the way the mirrors are adjusted? You have to keep all this in mind."

I rolled my eyes, despite his good intentions. "What are you? My driving instructor?" I still did as he said.

"Why not?" he said. "I'm here to help you, aren't I?"

"Says the guy who drives a hundred miles per hour."

"Okay, that's not fair," he said. "That only happens sometimes."

"Whatever." I reached for the shift lever, but I couldn't move it to reverse. That's when I noticed how bad my hand was shaking. Both of hands were shaking, even the one on the wheel. I yanked them back to me and rested them in my lap.

I didn't know if I could do this.

"Hey." Darian turned in his seat to face me. "You got this."

"Just because you say that doesn't mean it's true." I looked out my window. "This was a mistake."

I was making a lot of mistakes lately.

I opened the door, but Darian grabbed my arm before I could step out. "Don't." He turned me around to face him. "You told me you were ready."

"I was wrong."

"No you weren't," he said. "You believed in yourself then. The only thing that's stopping you now is fear, but you can get past it. I believe in you, but you have to believe in yourself." This inspirational shit wasn't doing it for me today. "You told me I could be unstoppable if I used my full potential. The same goes for you. You can be unstoppable, too, Kenji."

"I'm not you," I said.

"No," he agreed. "And that makes it even better. You reminded me that I could be great just being myself, and you can, too. Together, Kenji, we can both be unstoppable. We just need to remind each other of that. You reminded me, and now it's my turn to remind you."

He grabbed a hold of my hand, and I stared at our interlocked fingers. He held on, but I didn't.

"You're the only person stopping you right now," he said. "But it doesn't have to be that way. Unleash that chain. Don't be a slave to this fear anymore."

I caught a glimpse of his tattoo.

Unleash the chains.

Now or never.

I released his hand and shifted to reverse. "Don't hate me if I kill us."

He chuckled as we moved backwards, and my heart dropped at the motion. "At least, we'll die together."

"Doesn't make me feel better." I reversed out of the parking space but halted as the shaking resumed in my hands.

"Keep going," Darian prompted, but I turned the wheel too far, and the GMC almost crashed into the other side of the road. "Whoa!" Darian intervened by grabbing the wheel to swerve us back on track, and my breathing increased.

"Sorry." My face felt hot, and I cleared my throat, but it still felt constricted. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay." He released the wheel and I grabbed it again, but it only made my breathing heavier. "Keep going." I shifted the lever to drive, and the car jolted forward. "Okay, easy." The GMC moved in a jerky motion as I alternated between accelerating and braking. "You don't have to keep stepping on the brakes."

I couldn't help it. My feet naturally pressed down on the brakes without me even thinking about it. Then we approached a speed bump. Oh, God.

"What do I do?" I didn't glance at Darian, out of fear of moving my eyes off of the road and something bad happening.

"Slow down a bit," he said, "but keep your foot on the accelerator to go over the bump." I nodded, but as soon as I reached the bump, the car refused to go over. "Press on the accelerator a little harder," Darian instructed. My foot hesitated. "Come on, Kenji. You can do it. Just a little harder." I squinted my eyes as I pressed down on the accelerator—hard. "Kenji!" The car raced over the speed bump, throwing us forward in our seats from the force.

I stepped on the brakes again and threw my arms up. "I suck."

"You're just rusty," he said.

"I suck."

"Stop," he sighed. "You just need practice, which is what you're doing. We have to start from somewhere."

"Yeah," I scoffed.

"Right now," Darian said, "you're not driving at your fullest potential. You're driving with fear, and that's the real problem here. Not your 'sucky' driving."

I didn't know if I believed him, but right now, he was all I had. Whether I liked it or not, I had to trust Darian.

So I did.

I slowly released the brakes and pressed down on the accelerator. The car still didn't move smoothly, but it wasn't as jerky.

"I knew you could do it." I didn't miss the smile in his voice, which made me smile. "Now make a left turn."

No.

But I did it anyway. I was going to trust Darian, and I was going to listen to him.

I began to make the turn, but I slammed on the brakes at the sight of a car coming.

"Kuso!" I cursed while grabbing my head.

My foot stayed on the brakes as Darian's GMC was partially in the middle of the road. The other car stopped beside us.

"Kuso, kuso, kuso!" I chanted while covering my face.

"You still do that?" Darian glanced at me. "You still curse in Japanese when you're freaked out?"

I started cursing in middle school, but I only cursed in Japanese when it was really bad. I hadn't done it in a while, but this felt really bad.

Why did this car have to show up?

But what was I expecting?

Other cars were bound to show up when a person was driving. This was exactly why I couldn't do it.

I couldn't react to other cars.

The other car honked its horn, but I didn't move. I stared at the wheel, and it honked it's horn again.

"Kenji," Darian said, "we have to move. We're blocking the road."

I caught a glimpse of the grey Nissan inching towards me, and I drew in a breath. "I can't."

"Yes, you can," Darian said. "You just don't want to. There's a difference."

The Nissan continued to honk its horn, but it didn't matter how many times it honked, I remained motionless.

I couldn't do this.

I was a fool to think I could.

        I put the car in park.

"Take me home, Darian." I removed my seatbelt and got out of the car.

"Kenji!" He followed suit, and we met up in front of his GMC. "What are you doing?"

"Take me home." I crossed my arms. "Driving lesson is over. I'm done."

Before I could pass by him, he stopped me. "Don't quit now. You can't live the rest of your life like this."

"I can't do this either, Darian!" I yelled. "Maybe you're right. I don't want to do this. Call me a coward. Call me weak. I don't care. I'm not doing this."

He stopped me from walking off again. "Kenji—" He was cut off by the honk of a horn.

A middle-aged white man peeped his head out of the driver's side of the Nissan, and he glared at the two of us. "Can you move your car out of the fucking way? Have your argument or whatever shit that's going on somewhere else. I have places to be."

Darian sent him a sideways look, and he advanced towards the man. "Oh yeah?" He moved closer, and I didn't like the tension in his fist. "Why don't you repeat that? I didn't catch it."

I didn't have time for assault charges.

"Darian!" I caught up to him and held him back. "Don't let him get to you."

The man honked his horn again. "I just want to visit a friend. Can you get out of my fucking way?"

"I'm trying to help my—" He stopped himself and looked at me.

What was I to Darian?

"I'm trying to help him out." He pointed a thumb at me. "The last thing we need right now is you being an ass."

"Is this how you speak to your elders?" the man asked.

"I don't give a fuck," Darian said, and I hid my face in embarrassment.

"All I want is for you to get your car out of my fucking way," the man hollered.

"I don't like your tone of voice." Darian stepped forward, but I held him back again.

"Calm down," I said through gritted teeth, and his gaze locked on me. "You're better than this. At least you should be."

"You know what?" The man rested one hand on the back of the passenger's seat and the other on the wheel. "Fuck this." He began to reverse, and he maneuvered the car around. "You two boys continue whatever the hell you're doing." He spun the car around and drove off.

"Son of a bitch." Darian grabbed a small rock from the side of the road, and he flung it at the man's car.

"Darian!" The rock hit the man's bumper. "What the hell?"

"He had it coming." He shrugged. "We're not boys. We're fucking men. He's lucky I didn't find a bigger rock."

Darian will always have his tendencies.

"I'm walking." I shoved my hands into my pockets and turned around to begin my journey.

"What?" He followed me.

"Might wanna get your car." I motioned to it with my head. "You can't afford a ticket right now."

"Kenji, wait up." He continued to follow me.

"Your car!" He stopped and ran back to hop into his GMC.

I didn't stop. I walked, feeling at ease for the first time since I left my apartment. Driving could never beat a good walk, and I lifted my chin up. I couldn't enjoy it fully, however, due to the fatigue that weighed on me. I wanted to lay in my bed and not come out.

I was doing just that when I got home.

"Kenji." Darian's GMC drove beside me, and he kept the speed slow enough to match my walking. "Kenji, get in the car."

"I refuse to be in a car with a goon."

He rolled his eyes. "When are you going to let that go?"

"When you stop being one!"

"He had it coming," he defended.

"Is that your justification for everything?" I said. "They had it coming?" He didn't say anything, so I continued. "When we're together, bad things happen."

"Bad things that are so good." He winked at me, and I deadpanned.

"I'm not good for you, Darian."

Confusion laced his face. "I thought I was the goon? Why are you not good for me? Shouldn't it be the other way around?"

We got to my apartment building, and I sat on the sidewalk in front of the parking spaces. Darian parked and got out of the car to sit beside me.

I stared forward while he watched me. "Answer the question, Kenji. Why are you not good for me?"

"I'm not good for anyone." My voice came out soft.

"That's ridiculous. Why would you think that?"

"You haven't seen me at my worst."

"This isn't going to work." He shook his head. "Look at me when you speak."

I faced him. "You think you want me, but you've only seen the good sides of me." His smug grin diminished. "You've only seen me as Annoying Kenji or Pretty Boy Kenji. You've never seen me as Broken Kenji."

"What are you—?"

"How can you be sure?" I interrupted him. "How can you be sure you want something, when you haven't seen every aspect of it?"

"No one can know all the sides to a person," he said. "Even married couples see a new side to their partner with each passing day. When it comes to people, there's always a new layer to unravel. It's not about whether or not you know all the layers of a person. It's all about being willing to accept all those layers—even if that layer comes out twenty years from now."

"You haven't seen me at my lowest, Darian." I rested my hands on the sidewalk. "Rosalyn has. She's seen me at my worst, but she still stuck around. She proved her loyalty. Her reliability. Her love. She proved it all, but you haven't proven anything." He frowned. "But you expect me to leave her for you. Do I look like an idiot?"

I was, but that didn't mean I looked like one.

"I... I don't know what..." He pressed his lips together.

"You expect me to leave a girl, who entered the boys' restroom just to comfort me. A girl who chose to spend her birthday lying in bed with me instead of hanging out with her friends at her own party. A girl who was half your size but still stood up to you when you were being a jerk to me. A girl who encouraged me to get the help I needed before I did something we would all regret. You expect me to leave that girl?" He opened his mouth but said nothing. "Leave that girl for you? The guy who dropped me for new friends. The guy who made me cry at night like some heartbroken teenage girl. The guy who took all his anger out on me when I did nothing to him. The guy who's trying to be better but still has those tendencies. Tendencies that make him unreliable and unpredictable. The guy who I'm an idiot for. The guy who's still my ichiban, despite it all."

I rested my head on my knees and covered it with my hands as my mind raced.

Rosalyn was perfect for me. The two of us together made sense. It was reliable. It was predictable. It was safe.

"Rosalyn and I are comfortable," I said. "You and I are a risk. A risk that I don't know the outcome of."

"I'm not that guy anymore," he said while straightening up. "That douchebag in high school? That isn't me anymore. I'm not perfect, but I'm no devil. Not anymore."

"You were never a devil."

"Kenji, you confuse me!" He was smiling but his tone held anything but joy. "One second, you make me out to be this terrible guy, and the next, you're bringing me up. Making me seem amazing. What is it? Do you think I'm a bad guy or do you think I'm amazing?"

"You're amazing," I answered without a doubt. "You're an amazing guy who does bad things sometimes."

"Not amazing enough for you to want to be with me."

"I never said that."

"So you do want to be with me?" His face lit up.

"I never said that either."

"Then what are you saying, Kenji?!" He stared at me wide-eyed.

"I don't know," I said. "My mind has been kind of a mess lately. I don't trust myself to make any rash decisions."

"That's your problem. You're trying to be rational. You can't be rational with this."

"I don't want to get hurt again." I peeked down at my Jordans. There was a dust stain on the toe of my right foot, but I didn't care. "That's what I want—to not get hurt. You and my mother are the two people most likely to hurt me. You've both hurt me before, and there's a high possibility of it happening again."

"That's not fair."

"Rosie wouldn't hurt me," I said. "But you can."

"Alissa was right." He pressed his hair back. "Comfort leads to mediocrity."

"What?"

"Comfort," he said. "Right now, you have to make a decision. Be comfortable—with Rosalyn—and live a life of mediocrity, or take a risk—with me—and have a shot at real happiness."

"What makes you think I'm not happy with Rosalyn?"

"If you were as happy as you should be, you never would have cheated."

I stared at the ground, the disgust and the shame returning. I was a terrible boyfriend to Rosalyn, and she was the best thing that ever happened to me. If I couldn't be good for her, how could I be good for Darian?

He wasn't getting my point. He wanted me now, but would he still want me if things got rough?

If I stopped being the Kenji he's always known?

"There's something you guys don't know about me," I said, and he moved over to sit on the ground in front of me. I had no choice but to look at him.

"What is it?" He grabbed a hold of my hand, and I held his back.

I peered down into his eyes. "I've suffered from some form of depression all throughout high school."

His hold weakened as he tilted his head. "What?"

"When people look at me," I said, "they see a stylish boy with swag and confidence that borders arrogance. No one would ever suspect what I've been through. No one would suspect a person like me to suffer from depression."

He continued to stare at me. "How did this happen?"

"It started freshman year," I said. "I lived life regularly. I went to school. Hung out with friends. I even started dating Kimiko Yamada, and we were together until the middle of sophomore year. Other than you and my mother, things were perfect. At least, they should have been." He broke our eye contact.

Was I making a mistake by telling him this?

What if he decided he didn't want me anymore?

No. I had to. His reaction to this would tell me what I needed to know.

It would tell me whether he wanted all of me or only the pleasant parts.

"My life was good," I went on, "but I always felt like something was missing. I never enjoyed the little things in life like I should have. I was always a little distant and all my emotions were dulled. I was gloomy most days and the more time past, I forgot what it was like to truly be happy. I started getting into fashion and hair products and self-care, but it didn't change anything. It didn't change the fact that I never felt good enough. I had no reason to feel this way, but I did."

"You seemed fine," he said.

"Yeah," I agreed. "Just because you feel a certain way doesn't mean you have to show it."

"So you were suffering from depression since freshman year?"

"I was suffering from a milder form of it called dysthymia," I said. "I only found this out after it had transitioned from dysthymia to major depression."

"I'm guessing that happened junior year?" He bit his lip, almost as if afraid of my response.

I nodded. "After Camila's death and after our group separated, everything felt more intense but not in a good way. The days felt gloomier. My dislike for myself intensified along with my guilt over what happened. I remember, getting out of bed was the hardest thing to do in the morning." I stared past him as the memories returned. "I wanted to stay in bed all day because I was so tired—physically and emotionally. I felt alone. I felt worthless. I felt like I was wasting my time."

"What do you mean?"

"At that point in my life, there was nothing to look forward to. I wasn't looking forward to my future. I wasn't looking forward to the day. I wasn't looking forward to anything. There was nothing I could think of that made me excited to get out of bed."

I looked at him to catch his expression crumble. "Kenji..."

My eyes blurred, and I wiped at them, refusing to cry. "Even though Rosalyn and I were becoming close. Even though my mother started inserting herself back into our lives. Even with Tou-san's love and support, none of that mattered. I felt like shit and even when I did get out of bed and even when I went through the day, nothing worked. Eating my favorite meal provoked nothing. I couldn't enjoy a good joke. Then again, the last time I remembered enjoying a good joke was middle school. Clay had gotten me into rap by then, and I forced myself to listen to it, even though I couldn't be as pumped about it like I wanted to. For the first time in my life, I could understand why a person would kill themselves."

"Don't say that." He shook his head.

"I knew I wasn't going to kill myself," I said, "but that didn't mean I didn't fantasize about it. I kept thinking of what I would miss out on if I was no longer alive, but I couldn't think of anything." Darian covered his mouth with his free hand. "I couldn't think of one single thing that I would miss if I stopped living. Not enjoying anything. Not looking forward to anything. Living inside of a person you hate. What kind of life is that?" I asked him, but he only remained silent as moisture collected in his eyes. "When you're in that mindset, the problem isn't wanting to die. It's about not wanting to live anymore. Because all I could ask myself is: how can I live the rest of my life like this? And it did feel like the rest of my life would be like that. I thought there was no hope of things ever getting better. There was no point in trying."

I pressed my thumb and index finger against my eyes to stop the tears that were getting harder to control. "It makes me sad that some people feel that hopelessness so badly that they go through with killing themselves." I released his hand to wipe at my eyes. "I can see why they do it because when you're in that state, it's very easy to want to end it all. But it's sad how their last moments are spent feeling that way, and they never get that taste of happiness again. That happiness that seems so far away and so unreachable. That happiness I thought I'll never experience again. But I did. Near the end of junior year, I got the help I needed. I started taking meds. Rosalyn and Tou-san were there for me the most. It took all of senior year, but I gradually got better.

"This past summer was the best summer of my life." I smiled at the memories Rosalyn and I shared. "These past months have been the happiest I've felt in more than four years." A tear finally slid down his face, and I wiped it away. "Don't cry. I got that happiness I thought I would never have, and all I can think now is thank goodness I didn't end it all." Darian pushed my hand away and covered his face with his hands, but he had to hear this. "It would have been so easy to end it, but I'm glad I gave myself the opportunity to enjoy life again."

"You went through all of this?" I nodded, and he ran his hand down his face. "I only made things harder for you."

"No," I said, "you were right. I need to cut you some slack."

"No, you don't," he said while glaring at the ground. "You have every right to hate me."

"I don't hate you."

"You should," he said. "You were battling depression, and I only made it worse by bullying you on top of it."

"You said it yourself," I reminded him, "you're not that guy anymore. And you were right. I can't keep putting all your shortcomings in your face while bringing you up. You're an amazing person, so I need to focus on that, even if you do dumb shit sometimes."

I sent him a smile, but he didn't return it. "I hurt you," he muttered with another tear sliding down. He laughed as he wiped it away. "It's funny, Kenji, how you've seen me cry twice now, but I've never seen you cry once. You may get close to crying, but you never cry."

I rubbed the tattoo behind my ear. "The more you feel something, the more you adapt to it, and it has less of an impact on you."

Crying was pointless.

I cried a lot junior year, but it didn't make me feel better.

Emotional pain and sadness were my constant companions for four years. I was so used to them by now that there was no need to cry anymore.

"Are you happy now, Kenji?" Darian asked, searching my eyes for something.

"I'll be okay," I replied.

I wasn't happy anymore.

I hadn't been happy for weeks now.

But at least I knew happiness wasn't impossible. I felt it before, and I could feel it again. It was only a matter of when.

"You didn't answer my question," he said.

"Don't worry about it." I squeezed his hand, but he didn't look convinced. The darkened skies finally caught my attention when the street lights turned on. "It's getting dark." I stood up, and he did as well. "Maybe we can try driving next time."

"You're still up for driving?"

"Yup." I massaged my shoulder. "I can't keep living in fear."

"Good to know." He smiled, but it didn't seem authentic. "Thanks for trusting me enough to tell me about this."

"It's time I start trusting you." It was going to be a process, but I wanted to be able to trust him completely one day.

"See you later, Kenji."

"Bye—" He was already making his way to his car before the word could leave my mouth. I watched him get in and reverse out, and I waved, but he didn't look my way as he drove off.

I turned away and made my way into my apartment. As soon as I walked in, I discarded of my shoes and moved to the mirror to the side of the door.

Junior year, to counter the feeling of worthlessness, I always made sure I looked good. My hair was always intact. I kept my skin clear and smooth. I kept my lips soft and my clothes stylish and matching. I always told myself I looked good, and I said it so much that I started to believe it.

Now, I stared at my reflection in the mirror.

No matter what I saw, there was one thought that took over my mind:

I didn't look good.

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* What do you guys think about this chapter? Kenji driving again? Kenji confiding in Darian about his past? Darian's reaction?

* I'm going to be honest. I was scared to write this chapter, which is why I took so long to post it. But it so happens that the chapters that intimidate me the most, end up being my favorites. I hope the length made up for the wait. :)

* Also, Loving a Goon got nominated for the Rose Awards by honestcritiques for Best LGBT+. Nominations are over but voting has begun. If you guys think this book is worthy of it, I'll appreciate it greatly if you voted for it. Only if you want to though. Voting ends September 15th.

* Honestly, the most rewarding thing is getting all this support from you guys and unraveling the boys' story. 😊

* Song is "Disarm" by Smashing Pumpkins