An hour later, I barged into Kenji's apartment and turned to face him with a scowl on my face as he closed the door. He faced me with a blank look and his arms crossed.

        "You had no right telling on Arya like that." I knew I said I wasn't going to get involved, but since I was in deep shit no matter what I did. So why not just speak my damn mind, no matter what that got me in? "You have no idea what's going on. You don't know what you've done."

        Kenji's expression dropped. "Darian..."

        "No!" I yelled, staring at him in disbelief. "You just made things worse for her, Kenji." Guilt flashed over his features. "You don't know the details, yet you're fucking things up without even knowing the consequences."

        "You aren't telling me anything," he said with a look of defeat on his face.

        "If I could, don't you think I would?" My voice became leveled as we held eye contact, my gaze firmer than his. "Do you think I like keeping secrets from you?" Kenji didn't say anything. "Do you think I like holding in this huge secret that I would love to tell someone about but I can't because that'll be an ultimate betrayal?" He still didn't respond. "Exactly. I don't. It's not because I'm a selfish sadist. It's not because I don't trust you. It's not because I want to jeopardize our relationship. I don't. I just can't tell you because it's not my secret to tell, Kenji. I can't do it. If I had to keep one of your secrets, I'll do the same thing for you." My demeanor wavered as his words from our last argument returned to me. "Contrary to popular belief, I'm not a bad person."

        Kenji's expression softened. "Darian, I didn't me—"

        "Yes, I made mistakes in the past and yes, I'm not the 'best' person in the world. But I'm not all bad. I'm working on it. I know I was the ultimate jerk to you in high school." I took a step towards him and reached for his hand. He didn't fight me. "I just want you to realize that I'm not that guy anymore. I'm not this awful person who enjoys tormenting people for the hell of it. It may have seemed that way then, but I'm not. I'm not a goon like you think. You need to let go of the Darian you think you knew and embrace the new one. I'm past it; now it's your turn to get past it, too."

        "I'm sorry, Darian." Kenji's eyes never left mine, and he gave my hand a squeeze. "I never should have said those things. I know you're not a bad person, and you're right. I need to give you more credit. I'm so sorry." His face didn't hold an ounce of insincerity. "It was just anger talking, just like it was anger acting when I told Arya's parents." Kenji hid his face with a sheepish look, and he released my hand to rub the back of his neck. "I never should have done that. The victory I felt when I did it was short-lived. I've felt like shit since." Kenji's eyes returned to mine. "I need to apologize to her."

        "You should probably let her cool off." I snickered. "She's pretty pissed right now."

        "I'll be pissed, too." Kenji stared off past me. "I never should have done it." I moved his chin so he would look at me. "You're right. I don't know what's going on, so I shouldn't have interfered."

        "Kenji," I started while cupping his cheeks in my hands, "I wish I could tell you. I really do."

        "Is it that bad?" he asked in a small voice.

        "It's pretty bad," I said. "And it's personal, and it's not something I have the power of sharing. It's Arya's secret. If you told me something like what she told me, I wouldn't tell anyone either. It wouldn't feel right. It doesn't mean I don't trust you; I just don't want to betray Arya's trust." Confusion stretched over Kenji's face, but he still gave me a slow nod. "I know this may be hard to believe, but I have some integrity, especially when it comes to the people I care about." Kenji smiled at me. "Even though I still could treat those in my life a little better."

        "Don't." Kenji shook his head. "You shouldn't feel that way because you do treat us well. Yeah, you've done some shitty things, but we all have. I had no right judging you like that and saying all those things. All those things you did was the old Darian. Like you said, you're not that person anymore. The current Darian keeps his friend's secret and is there for them." I smiled. "It just took me a while to realize it. My record isn't all that clean either. I'm partially to blame for one of my best friend's death. I cheated on her sister. And I just betrayed one of my old friends."

        "Kenji, stop." I hated how he was so hard on himself. I hated it even more how my tormenting probably made it worse. "You need to give yourself a break."

        He smiled at me. "I guess we both have to give each other the break we won't give ourselves." I pulled him closer to me. "I should have accepted the fact that you can't tell me whatever this secret is. Even though I'm curious as hell." We chuckled. "I have to accept it." Kenji's eyes moved up to mine with a warm look. "I have to trust you in this."

        "Arya and I aren't fucking."

        Just wanted to clear that up.

        "Sexuality can be fluid," he joked, fighting back a smirk.

        "My feelings for you aren't," I countered, staring him dead in the eye.

        I couldn't even wait for his response before his lips were on mine. I cupped his cheek in one hand, and he pressed his lips harder to mine as he clutched onto my lower back, moaning against my lips from the pure passion I released in that one kiss. I didn't want Arya's secret to get between us. I wouldn't allow it to.

        However, before it could deepen too much, I pulled away, making Kenji groan. I brushed my thumb against his lips. "Let's never have a fight like that again."

        "Agreed," he said. "Next time, let's just talk things out instead of getting upset."

        "I can do that," I said. "I have to appreciate you."

        "We have to appreciate each other," Kenji added, moving my eyes up to his. "Even with all the shit we've done."

        "I couldn't have said it any better."

        He smirked until he glanced down to my feet. "Why're your shoes on?"

        I rolled my eyes. "Priorities much? We were in the moment." I shook his shoulders, making him laugh. "Speaking of which, you need to put your shoes on because we're heading out."

        Kenji tilted his head to the side. "Where?"

        "Put your shoes on." I turned him around and pushed him in the direction of the doorway.

        As Kenji put on his Jordans, he focused on me. "Are you going to make me face more of my fears."

        "Well," I said, acting as if I was thinking about it, "you are driving." Kenji groaned. "But most of all, we're living in the moment."

        "What does that mean?" he asked while standing upright.

        I grinned. "You'll find out."

        I grabbed his arm and dragged him out the door, and we were off to Shirley Town Center.

        Kenji did drive, and he did it well. He had come a long way from that initial lesson. It was all muscle memory. He knew how to drive; I just allowed him to tap into it again. The next step was for me to allow him to drive alone.

        Kenji only drove when I was in the car.

        It was flattering, but it was also holding him back. I would never want to hold him back.

        "What're you thinking about?" Kenji asked while we stepped out of the car, arriving at the busy park.

        "Driving," I answered. "I'm proud of you."

        "I'm glad you were on my case about it. I never would have done it otherwise."

        "That's me." I wrapped an arm around his shoulder. "The guy who's on your ass for your own good."

        Kenji tensed up. "Darian?" I looked to him as we stepped foot on the sidewalk. "We're in public."

        I yanked my arm back.

Shit.

        How could I be so careless? We were silent as I rubbed my forehead in frustration. Why was this such a big deal again?

        My dad. Right.

        "Come on." Kenji grabbed my hand to drag me along with him. "Let's get ice-cream. I'm paying."

        He led the way, and he bought himself strawberry ice-cream, and then he got me chocolate chip ice-cream. "That's what you want?" he asked as we walked away with our cones.

        I nodded. "Gotta be diverse. You have to add a little color to all this vanilla." Kenji laughed. "If there was a rainbow ice-cream, I'll get it."

        Kenji perked a brow. "For real?" I nodded. "Darian, we can hardly show PDA in public. Do you really think you can buy a rainbow ice-cream? Especially a macho guy like you?"

        Why not? Why was I holding myself back? I had no problem standing up for myself and my beliefs to Dr. Jacobson, and even my father knew about them. Why was this so different?

        It was different, but no more hiding.

        I grabbed Kenji's free hand with mine, and his eyes went round.

        "Darian..." He watched me closely as we kept walking. "What are you doing?"

        "Holding your hand." I focused on my ice-cream.

        "I see that," he said. "But what about keeping things on the down-low? What about your dad? Being out in public?"

        "Kenji," I said while stopping to face him, his hand still in mine, "relax. You're right. No more acting like this is a clandestine relationship. If we wanna show PDA, we'll show it. I don't care about the public. I'm not going to let my dad hold me back anymore. I refuse. It's just you and me."

        "I hope I didn't pressure you," he said. "I wasn't trying to challenge you earlier with the whole 'rainbow ice-cream' thing. I was messing around."

        "You're not pressuring me into anything," I reassured him. "I want to do this. For me."

        He nodded with a smile. "Okay, then."

        His grip tightened around my hand, and we continued walking. It was different. I was on edge more than usual, and I paid more attention to how people perceived our presence. Most people walked by without even catching a glimpse of us. Some noticed but continued minding their business. Some people's gazes lingered, but their expression was either unreadable or they smiled.

        No one looked at us with disgust.

        Hopefully my father wouldn't either.

        Kenji and I eventually found ourselves along a trail and a gentle breeze persisted.

        "It's a beautiful day," I said. "I can't wait for the moment you get to fully appreciate such a beautiful day. A moment that isn't clouded by depression."

        "I'm doing well," he said with his eyes forward.

        I almost smiled, but then I remembered what Gavin said. Kenji seemed okay, but was he really okay?

        "Look at me," I said, and he did. "Are you okay, Kenji? And I mean, really okay. Not the okay you try to pass off to the rest of the world."

        He hesitated. "I'm better."

        "But are you okay?"

        You could be "better" and still be in deep shit. Not being suicidal anymore is better than depression with suicidal thoughts, but the depression is still there. Kenji's words didn't comfort me like they should have.

        "Are you okay, Kenji?" I asked again, and he held back. "You don't have to hold back with me. You know that, right?"

        "I know," he said. "I just don't want to be a downer."

        I stopped. "So, something is wrong."

        He hesitated again before saying, "This stuff is complicated, Darian. You don't have to lay in bed all day or cry in a corner to feel a little dead on the inside. You could be taking antidepressants, working out, attending therapy and doing everything right, but that doesn't mean it'll all just go away in a couple days. You could live a high-functioning life and seem perfect but still have days and even moments where you're washed away by all this sorrow, most of the time, for no reason at all. Or worse yet, you feel nothing at all. There're all these happy moments that would make anyone be grateful to be alive, and sometimes, all I can think is what's the point of me being alive."

        "Kenji." I rested a hand on his shoulder.

        "It's complicated." He shook my hand off. "I'm doing everything right, but it takes a while for this thing to go away. I want it to go away, and I tell myself that it does, but I don't know anymore." His eyes met mine. "I don't know, Darian. I don't know if it ever truly goes away. Or am I aiming for a point where I can pretend it's not there anymore because it's so faint. And will I have to spend the rest of my life waiting for the next moment it strikes again?"

        I had no words.

        I didn't get it. I wanted to so badly, and I wanted to get into his mind to understand how he could feel this way, but I couldn't understand. Not fully. Not like he could.

        And it killed me a little on the inside.

        "Why didn't you tell me?" My voice was small. "Why am I now hearing about this?"

        "Just like that, I've ruined our happy moment with my dark thoughts."

        "No, you haven't." I led us to a pile of stones stacked together to make chairs, and we sat. "I'll rather know this stuff than be living in ignorance. Stop trying to protect me from this."

        We trashed out ice-creams and turned to face each other. "I try to be perfect," Kenji said, "but I'm not. I try so hard. Perfect clothes. Perfect hair. I even got the swag and confidence down, or I thought I did. I try to educate myself, not just with school but also life and people. I try so hard to be this person that people would want to be around. That people would want to keep around. But this just fucks everything up. Depression. Anxiety. Abandonment issues. That doesn't make you a fucking catch." Tears welled up in his eyes. "I'm broken. I tried so hard. Damn did I try hard. But who would want a broken person?"

        I had a feeling this wasn't just the depression talking. It was something talking that Kenji  often didn't give the spotlight to.

        "I want you," I said as he wiped at his eyes. "I want Kenji. The boy who used to like J-pop but is now an avid rap fan." He chuckled. "I want the boy who hated tattoos but now has one behind his ear. I want the boy who wore ordinary jeans and plain tees but is now all about Gucci and Jordans and Rolex watches." His smile persisted. "I want the boy who's an amazing cook..." I leaned closer with a smirk. "...but is also an amazing lover."

        Kenji pushed me back with his cheeks heating up. "Darian, you're an idiot."

        "I want all the different parts of you, Kenji, and I don't know how many times I have to say that for you to get it."

        I had liked this boy since sixth grade, and Kenji had undergone drastic changes, but I still adored him. I wasn't letting go of this boy that easily.

        "I don't want to lose you, Darian," he told me. "I don't want to lose a lot of people, but I especially don't want to lose you."

        "You're not going to."

        "You say that," he said. "I try telling myself that, but the fear is still there. I'm so tired of being afraid, Darian. You don't know what it's like to live every day of your life in fear. It's exhausting."

        "What are you afraid of?" I asked. "Tell me. Maybe it'll help you to voice them out."

        Kenji groaned. "Are you trying to be my therapist, Darian?"

        "No, I'm trying to be your boyfriend." I patted his leg. "List them out."

        "I'm afraid of my mom moving again and losing contact with her," he started. "I'm afraid of her realizing I'm too much for her, and her pulling back. I'm afraid that Arya and I would never get to a good place again. I'm afraid that I'll drift away from Clay and Alissa again, and that me and Honoka would never be as close as we were before. I'm afraid that I won't do well in school because school doesn't interest me as much as it used to. I'm afraid I'll never know what I want to do with my life. I'm always afraid that I'll miss my classes because I wake up too late. I'm afraid I'll make a fool of myself when I raise my hand to answer a question in class even though I know the answer. I'm afraid to wonder the campus of SHU for shortcuts because I'm afraid I'll get lost. I'm afraid to venture out and try new hair products or things in general because I'm afraid it won't work out. I'm afraid every time I drive.

        "I'm afraid to go to the gym because I'm afraid I'll make a fool of myself because of my fears or I may even have a panic attack. I'm afraid to go to the store and buy things because I'm afraid I'll run out of money or I'll be clumsy and awkward and something bad will happen. I'm afraid to join a group to study because I'm afraid they'll see through me and not think I'm smart enough or worthy enough. I'm afraid to date because I'm afraid of letting them see past the perfect Kenji. I'm afraid to date because I don't want to get too attached and be crushed when they leave or hurt me." He looked at me. "I'm most afraid of you."

        "What?" I ran my hand through my hair. "Why?"

        "Because I am attached to you," he said. "I have let you in, and you see past Pretty Boy Kenji. Because of that, you can crush me, and leave me and hurt me, and the possibility of that happening scares me every day. You say you won't, and I trust you, but the fear won't leave. I'm so used to being afraid that I don't know how to not be afraid."

        "Everyone feels afraid sometimes," I said.

        "Yeah," he agreed, "sometimes. I'm afraid all the time."

        I grabbed both his hands in mine. "I'm not leaving you. I won't crush you, and I won't hurt you. I'll never do so intentionally. I hate that I can't get rid of your fears, that's something you'll have to work on by yourself, but I am here. I'll be here with you through anything, whether that's going to the store or driving or dealing with mothers and friends or just cuddling. I'll be here, and you can be honest with me. You told me how communication works, so let's put it in practice. If you're having dark thoughts, let me know. If you're feeling anxious, let me know. Don't keep me in the dark to protect me from the darkness. I'm here." I placed his hands into my lap. "And I'm not going anywhere."

        I stood up and pulled him up with me. Kenji only watched me and said, "And that's why you're my number one."

        He pulled me into a hug, and I rubbed his back. This day didn't turn out the way I expected, but I was glad Kenji and I had this talk. It was informative for me, and the more educated I was, the better.

        Kenji pulled back. "No keeping you in the dark to protect you from the darkness."

        "Glad you're catching on," I said, making him chuckle. "Now, how about some of this." I planted a kiss on his lips, and he appeared taken aback when we pulled away. "It's time for me to face some of my fears, too."

        Kenji ran a hand along the back of my neck, and he smiled. "We'll face them together."

        His lips were back on mine, and my hands moved to his waist as he played with the hairs on the back of my neck.

        I didn't care that it was daytime. I didn't care that we were in public. I didn't care that we were making out in public during the day.

        I only cared about Kenji and the things he had shared with me.

        No more living in fear.

        It was exhausting.

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* What do you guys think about the boys making up? How the misunderstanding was resolved? The boys' day in the park? Their talk concerning Kenji and their relationship? The boys showing PDA?

* This chapter hits home for me, and that's probably why I like it so much. What about you guys?

* I'll be updating the next part soon. Until then!